scared crapless

[spacemonke]

I'm a soon to be Dad scared crapless. So scared that I even have begun having an irregular heartbeat. I even ended up in the ER and observation the other day. None of this stuff started until my wife started jiffy popping out and the baby was able to be felt. It's embarassing to me. I have quite a few other stressors as well but I think that this is the major one. I even had my blood pressure medication changed to one that controls the arrhythmias as well as blood pressure. Anyone else feel/felt scared crapless?

[snowbunny81]

Just so you know, i'm using my wife's account.
Anywho, I too am scared crapless. sometimes I constantly wake up at night and do get quite stressed. I try to look beyond the here and now. Look into your life in the future, about all the wonderfull times you'll have with your new one. It helps me.

[JamieCatheryn]

I think all dads to be have at least a little while of feeling like that. In this one movie Knocked Up they describe it as the "Back to the Future moment" where you want to go back in time and undo it, great as it is and whether it was on purpose or not. Worry is a tool to work through issues, use it as such, identify why you're scared and take steps to address it, work through all the what-ifs realistically. Planning together helped my husband and I a lot - financially what would we do, what did I expect from him as far as support in pregnancy, in birth, what would we do caring for our child. You may have an actual anxiety disorder too, perhaps anxiety medication or at least herbal and dietary remedies are in order. EFA's like flax oil or fish can help.

[soso-lynn]

I am sorry your stress is physically hurting you, but I think that the fact that you care enough to be so stressed out is a good sign. Now, it's just a matter of working through it. Perhaps I am just a jaded, cynical single mom, but I find it very reassuring to know that some dads care that much. Good luck.

[anne+arun]

are you mainly scared about the birth process (ie worried something might go wrong, feeling under pressure about that) or are you worried about becoming a dad (responsibility, worried about stuffing up etc)?

Or is it general stress?

arun

[JaneSmith1010]

I have to speak for my husband on this one because he still won't admit it. When I told him I was pregnant you could see the fear on his face. He called his mother to talk about it, he was scared to tell his family because we weren't married yet, and I think he just wasn't ready for the responsibility. Even through all of this he did well in supporting me, but could have been more emotionally available if he hadn't been freaking out over something he had no control over. He is a wonderful, wonderful parent now and the worrying to me was a sign that he was 1)taking things seriously, 2) taking responsibility as a parent by not intending on ditching me, and 3) he intended on trying his best to be a good parent--that was why, after all, he was so frightened.

Now I'm not sure why you are having physical manifestations of your anxiety--some of us tend more towards psychosomatic stuff. But perhaps the best question to ask yourself is, why are you feeling so frightened? is it you hoping everything goes well during the birth? is it you worried that you're not ready for this responsibility? are you worried you won't be a good dad? it's probably all of these things. The only way you can cope with these things is by talking with your partner about them, and the only way you can completely relieve them is for the birth to come. When you have that baby in your arms you will fall in love, and you will know what to do. When in doubt, find the best parent you know and seek advice or emulate them as best you can.

[papa de angel]

My 2 cents.

Feelings of anxiety related to one's own infancy can manifest themselves in this way when the birth of a child is imminent. It's probably not the most practical time to seek any kind of formal counselling right now, so try to direct your thoughts away from yourself and towards your wife and future child as much as you can.

That and find strength and inspiration in the above simple, precious words:
"When you have that baby in your arms you will fall in love, and you will know what to do".

[kriket]

Originally Posted by papá de ángel

Feelings of anxiety related to one's own infancy can manifest themselves in this way when the birth of a child is imminent. It's probably not the most practical time to seek any kind of formal counselling right now, so try to direct your thoughts away from yourself and towards your wife and future child as much as you can.

this could be, but if you are having physiological problems then you need medical attention. You should go with your wife to parents to be classes. You're not the only future papa to freak.

have you talked to your wife or you're sisters or your wife's sisters or a lady that you work with about your fear? I think it would help you to talk about it. I bet it felt good just to tell us didn't it? much love papa, you're going to make a great dad because you care enough to be worried!

[papa de angel]

Yes, of course, if there's time for "parents to be" classes, go for it.

Maybe what the OP partly needs is for a father-friend to put his arm round his shoulder and reassure him. That's what I would (offer to) do.

[ewe+lamb]

My dh completely freaked out - if he had had the sense to have his bp and other things done I'm sure he would have been up there - but moving on to almost 6 years later, he's a great dad and striving to be everything his father wasn't, I love to see him playing with the kids taking care of them kissing their little hands and knees when they've fallen over, doing the daddy dance to calm them down when mummy just can't get there, and although to begin with the adjustment was difficult (for us both) we discussed it the other day and he regrets waiting so long! We have two wonderful children, and although his shock to begin with was quite honestly scary to me, he's a great father, I'm sure you will be too, go to parenting classes if you have the chance - as someone already mentioned - inform yourself - mdc is a wonderful place for both support and information. We're all here for you, brace yourself it is a rollercoaster ride but the high at the end is more than anyone could ever describe - someone already mentioned that worrying already is actually a great thing and very positive in the father that you already are.
loads and loads of hugs - maybe you could think about going LLL meeting with your dw to talk about your fears as well as getting a first footing in breastfeeding. Dr Bob Sears (and his sons) have a website that maybe you could log on to to get some information, good luck - you're going to be a great dad. Love every minute of it they grow up so quick!!!

[Shadow Papa]

Originally Posted by spacemonke

I'm a soon to be Dad scared crapless. So scared that I even have begun having an irregular heartbeat. I even ended up in the ER and observation the other day. None of this stuff started until my wife started jiffy popping out and the baby was able to be felt. It's embarassing to me. I have quite a few other stressors as well but I think that this is the major one. I even had my blood pressure medication changed to one that controls the arrhythmias as well as blood pressure. Anyone else feel/felt scared crapless?

Yikes... the physical stress has got to be causing even more stress!

OK... take some deep breathes and say: "I'm scared." Then try to write down what is scary and read about it. Talk to your wife about it. It will likely make her feel good that you are scared. At least... that is what my wife tells me.... and she is smarter than me and way more in tune to her emotions.

Talk to your doc too... You need to be in good health and spirit to help out after birth!

Originally Posted by snowbunny81

Just so you know, i'm using my wife's account.
Anywho, I too am scared crapless. sometimes I constantly wake up at night and do get quite stressed. I try to look beyond the here and now. Look into your life in the future, about all the wonderfull times you'll have with your new one. It helps me.

I was sooooooo scared. I manifest it in poor ways, too.

My wife bought a couple of parenting books and that really helped. I wish I knew about MDC before... that may have helped too.

Dr. and Dr. Sears were very helpful... but I may not rely totally on them. There are so many good readings it is tough to recommend... but reading is a way to address the fears by owning them and acting on them.

If we papas are armed with knowledge and compassion, we can best serve our families... Not to be high horsed... I am learning this through failure and constantly remembering I am affraid of not being a "GOOD DAD"

you guys recognizing how big this is... CONGRATS!!!!!!

[Gwendolyn's babies]

YES! I used to get so scared. I would worry about EVERYTHING! I would have a racing heart and I went to the doctor to get a EKG. I had to learn to talk myself to a calm state.

I still once in awhile have these "I think I am having a heart attack" episodes. I have learned to control it. I stay away from caffeine, too much salt and too much sugar. I have turned to exercise to release the stress. When I am particulary feeling "overwhelmed" I take a warm shower and tell my dh about my woes. Usually, he just listens and offers a back rub...ahhhhh!

Soon, I will be taking a retreat. I know this will be what I need.

By the way it gets better. This is my 4th baby and I am more relaxed then ever. I guess it all just works out.

What a caring father and husband to worry so much that it causes a physical ailment!

[transformed]

Have you tried Bach's Rescue Remedy? It is wonderful for anxiety. You can give it to the babe too.

[mamahart]

I hope you are feeling better after all the wonderful stuff above...Can you talk to your Dad? I love talking to my dad and it made me less afraid when I was first pregnant cause he just said this is what we do. We are good at it if we realize how important parenthood is. It ain't easy but I do think it is a natural state that we grow into...are you going to catch the baby?
Maybe being MORE connected will make you less nervous. And I would second watching your caffeine intake- 'specially since it is often a hard one for mamas to watch.
Yeah. You'll be fine as long as you take care of the mom as best you can.

[BUNGALOW10]

It's normal to be scared. The good news is that you don't have to be ready for everything right at once. They will send you home with a new baby that will need to be kept warm, fed, and diapered. You will need to snuggle and sing, burp them, and possibly pace the floors. You can handle all of that.

As your baby grows, you will learn with your baby. You will have to learn how to keep them safe as they move around, how to make them smile, how to tickle them (or not tickle them if they don't like it), you'll have to dress a squirmy baby, and feed them food, and answer questions like "why am I a boy and mommy's a girl". But all those come with time. As soon as you think you've mastered one part, a new challenge will come up, but you will be ready for it.

Take it one day at a time. It goes fast. Don't worry about what you don't know and instead focus on what's going on in the moment.

[Labbemama]

Originally Posted by papá de ángel

My 2 cents.

Feelings of anxiety related to one's own infancy can manifest themselves in this way when the birth of a child is imminent. It's probably not the most practical time to seek any kind of formal counselling right now, so try to direct your thoughts away from yourself and towards your wife and future child as much as you can.

That and find strength and inspiration in the above simple, precious words:
"When you have that baby in your arms you will fall in love, and you will know what to do".

A lot of ppl freak out about the time of their baby's birth and seek counseling. It's a good time to get counseling actually if you can work it in somehow. Having a baby can be a catalyst to think about how your parents did and what you are gonna be like as a parent (you know all that stuff you said you'd never do? Abandonment issues, Responsibility Issue, Relationship issues, you name it.
I think it's great that you've sought out some other dads and if you think it's anxiety talking to a counselor couldn't hurt.
If it makes you feel better my dh suffered heartburn and nausea and packed on a few lbs too. LOL We still call his gut the hoagie baby as a matter of fact.
I think once you see the
baby you are gonna still be concerned but be so in love that it will be ok.

I think everyone is like "having a baby-how wonderful" and nobody is really allowed to talk about the anxiety producing side of it.

[GradysMom]

there is atleast one semi-light hearted, comical "expecting father" kind of book out there. My husband, who became a father first 30 yrs ago really enjoyed the book, and I didn too.

Doesn't matter that he had been there before, he was nervous too...

try to see yourself as normal, scared shitless... . it is part of the experience...

about the popping belly, I know, as an expecting mom, I was really embarassed at first that this belly was telling the world I had had sex. I had to really work on a very unhealthy sense of shame that I had been carrying around too long anyway.... just something to consider for you too I guess.

[KSD]

I'm on # 3, 18,16, & 7 months. First on my X-W gained 40, I gained 80. Second one wasn't to bad and I didn't gain weight, but the first two I had a lot of pains and aches in the abdomen. Third was a breeze, mostly because my DW wasn't a panic person, just went with the flow, had a touch of morning sickness. But I don't think I would have done as well if it had not been for DW showing not one bit of worry or concern.

I do understand how are feeling and I think it is normal to be concerned and worried.

Keep an eye on the heart, check with Dr., see about anti-anxiety herbs, teas or medications.

Best to you

[uptowngirl]

I'm sorry you're so freaked. Honestly, I think in some ways it's good because when the baby gets here, you'll realize it's not so bad! But think about this...my dh was 54 when I told him I was pregnant. His first (and mine). So remember that there are many many circumstances out there...and millions of babies born to people who are panicked about it...and love conquers all!

[windsorheightsmom]

My husband also was quite nervous anticipating the birth of our first child. We had a doula, and that helped him a lot. He did reading about labor and birth and parenting and was very present during the birth, but knowing the doula would be there took some of the pressure off him. He didn't feel like he was solely responsible for "coaching" me at an intense moment.

During the postpartum period, we had a lot of early problems with nursing, and our son was not gaining weight. My husband was so stressed out--I swear he had hormonal swings that were not too far off from what I was feeling.

It has been documented that many fathers experience physical symptoms during their partner's pregnancy. Just google "couvade" or "couvade syndrome" and you will see what I mean.

Hang in there--you can do this.