getting ready for school

[luvmytwo]

I am at my wits end! I have not posted in a long time; I usually just lurk but I feel the need now to actually reach out to someone. I feel I am the worst mom in the world because my 8 yo dd will not listen to me. I know she thinks I am a nag (she told me today to stop talking to her about it) but what am I to do? When you need to be somewhere at a certain time, you need to be there. Yes, we have had the talk about having a job and losing it if you are contantly late to work.

My main issue is the getting up in the morning to get ready for school. By the time I drop her at school we have argued and fought and she has a consequence when she gets home. This is not how I want us to start the day. I know she is as frustrated as I am. She is not a morning person and usually drags her feet; but I have 3 kids, plus myself, to get out the door so her brother doesn't miss the bus. Do any of you struggle with this or have you? What consequences should I try? We have done the lose your playtime/toys etc. but they don't work anymore.

I feel like I am just stuck in this negative rut with her and it is really eating away at me emotionally. Getting up for school is only one of many issues I have with her listening and doing what needs to be done. This is not how I pictured our relationship to be as she got older.

I need a mentor mom!! Thanks for your help ahead of time.

[SAHDS]

Your daughter sounds like me when I was younger. I could sleep until 4 pm if you'd let me and dreaded getting up in the morning. Waking me was a constant battle for my mom and I can't tell you how many times I was late for school. Still am a night owl (it's 2:30 am and I've yet to go to sleep), but I do rise early.

I know it's not a 'popular' answer on these boards, but have you had her Iron levels tested? She could be anemic; that's part of my problem.

Also, what time is she going to bed? Even though, I could go to bed at 8 pm and I'd lay there for HOURS...

Wish I could be more help.

[karne]

I think there are many moms of girls around your dd's age who can understand your situation, and I am including myself! Please don't be so hard on yourself-I am sure you are just frustrated. I have one who pops out of bed in the am, and seemingly gets dressed and is at the breakfast table before the feet have actually hit the ground! The other, well, lets just say unless the motivation is huge, getting up is a "process". Personally, mI have had to adjust. I put an alarm clock that is set in the room so that there is a consistent waking time. Everything is done the night before. I am huge on a good breakfast, but I've learned to make it super easy for my last minute kid. Backpack packed the night before, etc. Oh, and I set the alarm for a 1/2 hour earlier than needed. I felt that the struggle around getting up was making us tense as well, so the benes for my child to be up an at 'em earlier is that we get some quiet time together before school to talk or play in the kitchen while I do my thing. The incentive thing makes the morning feel more positive.

I don't know if you feel your consequences are helpful to the situation or not? I know that for my kids, the am is usually forgotten after school, so it wouldn't work for us. Is there anything that might provide more incentive in the morning?

Also, I think the age is a tough one in some respects. Good luck.

[Ornery]

Oh how I remember those days! My ds was exactly like that. I dreaded mornings. I honestly don't remember anything that really helped them be smoother. I tried all of the little tricks that other moms said helped them, i.e., picking out clothes the night before, making sure backpack was packed the night before, etc. I used all of them, and did pretty much everything anyone suggested, and my ds was still as slow as molasses. I think third/fourth grade was the WORST. We developed something where right before he left for school, I would suggest that we start the day over. I'm not explaining it well but it was basically something that we used so that we didn't leave each other mad. That way we could part for the day on good terms and he wasn't constantly going to school in a bad mood. Not sure how well it would work for others but it was our only way to survive with a good relationship!

We also instituted the rule (at our son's request) that if he isn't ready to leave on time, that must mean he needs more sleep so bedtime gets moved back.

Just to give you hope, my ds is now 12 and wonderful at getting himself up, ready, and out the door. I've heard that teens are horrible at getting out of bed but we seem to be having the best year ever, knock on wood.

As for the other issues with your dd, I have no advice (and definitely don't consider myself a mentor mom) as my dd is only 4 and is already very strong willed and independent. I'll be watching this thread so I have ideas for when she gets older.

Good luck.

[RN2Bmommy]

I don't have any suggestions as we're dealing with the same thing. Some days it's the 10-year-old some days it's the 8-year-old and some days it's all three! Not sure what I'm going to do when the baby arrives..lol.

[ktmama]

I guess I'd ask her what she sees as the problem and how to solve it. Does she not want to go to school? Does she just need some quiet time after waking but before getting going (does she want to snooze?)? Does she need you to just let her do it? When my dd1 was that age, I provided her with a morning checklist and just let her get her things done in her own way and time. She would ask me for help (will you make me some eggs for my lunch) and a time check now and again. But, the main motivation was that she did NOT want to be late for school, so that helped tons.

I think it's worth the effort to find out what are her motivations and what she sees as the problem, if you haven't done that already. Anything you can do to put the *problem* in her court will save you lots of conflicts. Is there another parent who can transport little bro to the bus so someone can be there for her, even if she's late? The natural consequence for not getting ready on time, is, after all, being late!

[luvmytwo]

Thanks for all your replies. Wow, you have all given me great advice.

I never thought about getting her iron levels checked. That actually would be a good idea since her intake of high iron foods is low; she does not care for most red meats. She does love greens. I'm going to go check out the Floradix this weekend.

A checklist made by her would be a great idea. I have really tried to "put the ball in her court" many, many times to teach her the natural consequences but she does turn it around to be my fault she is late.

On a side note, we have had a rough year this year. My husband has traveled quite a bit for his job and has not been home. This is not a normal thing and we are hoping that it will end soon. The kids do miss him and of course; the stress gets to me and I know I am harder on them. I feel like I need parent counseling because sometimes; I am at a total loss in the heat of the moment on what to do.

Thanks ladies, I will let you know how some of these work.

[mommy68]

Actually it IS technically going to be your fault if your child is late to school. That's the tough part. When my oldest was still in school we were told in the parent meetings that every time a child "that can't drive themself to school" is late to school then it's ultimately the parents fault no matter what the reasoning behind it. It all made a lot of sense to me. I had to do the checklist with my oldest son for a few years. He was really bad about getting himself up, getting ready, getting school work together. He would leave things at home and I'd have to take it to his school so he wouldn't get a zero on the work, etc. etc. Things got much easier when I finally took him out to homeschool him. Now he's jumping out of bed at 6am every morning, go figure.

I don't think there is any sure way to do the whole parenting thing. I finally get through a rough spot with one of mine and then hit another one shortly after, lol. It can be tough. Just do the best you can.

[luvmytwo]

I have really been thinking about homeschooling her alot lately. I am not really familiar with it too much. I don't want to make that decision and think all my problems will be solved though.

Could you let me know what/where you started? My fear is that I pull her out for 4th grade and she ends up back in at 5th.

[AbundantLife]

I don't have much advice. We are still going through that with our 14 year old DS. My brother was the same way throughout his entire school career and he did eventually learn how to get up on time and be ready for work. (I wonder if he days in the Army had anything to do with that? LOL)

This is how our mornings go with our 14 year old. 6am his alarm goes off and I also get up then. I turn on his light and remind him to get up. At 6:10, I give another reminder. Usually by 6:15 or so he is up and in the shower. The bus comes at 6:40, so he is usually carrying a granola bar or piece of toast with him up to the bus stop.

He used to forget his lunch pretty regularly, and I used to take it to the school for him. I am not doing that anymore. He needs to learn that if you don't give yourself enough time to get ready and awake in the morning, you might be hungry during the day. I remind him every morning to bring his house key, lunch, cellphone, and homework with him to school. My son does have ADHD (no meds at this time) so that contributes to this.

I make sure he is in bed by 10pm each night. I have tried getting him to get ready for bed earlier, but that usually doesn't end up with him sleeping more, so I have dropped that.

Keep the morning ritual down to a bare minimum.

[UUMom]

This might not be popular, but here I go: :

She's only 8, so I would help her get dressed. I would also determine what kind of 'waker' she is. Does she need a long time awake in bed before she gets up? If she does, I would go in 30 minutes earlier than usual and put her light on or open the curtains. I would put on some music, softly. I would chat calmly but in a mormal volume voice. I would talk pleasant things and not about getting up. (If there is something she enjoys going on that day, I would talk about that. I would not talk about how if she doesn't get up right now she can't go. Make it all pleasant, make there be a good reason to bother getting up) . I would make a little calm noise in her room. Gathering her supplies etc. Then I would leave the rooom for a bit.

When it was time that she really had to get up, I would go in and give her a kiss and help her pull her jammies off her head and help her slip on a shirt. I would walk her to the bathroom, completely dressed.

This shouldn't take more than a few minutes.

I would break the old routine completely and try a new one and see what comes of it. Some children need your physical presence during times of transition (which waking and readying for the day is. In fact, it's the first and most major tranistion of a child's day). One of mine was like this, and I assure you that I am no longer helping him get dressed.

Of course, I say this hoping that she has no fears of school and there is no horrible teacher or mean bus driver or nasty bully waiting for her during her day.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by mommy68

Actually it IS technically going to be your fault if your child is late to school. That's the tough part. When my oldest was still in school we were told in the parent meetings that every time a child "that can't drive themself to school" is late to school then it's ultimately the parents fault no matter what the reasoning behind it. It all made a lot of sense to me. I had to do the checklist with my oldest son for a few years. He was really bad about getting himself up, getting ready, getting school work together. He would leave things at home and I'd have to take it to his school so he wouldn't get a zero on the work, etc. etc. Things got much easier when I finally took him out to homeschool him. Now he's jumping out of bed at 6am every morning, go figure.

Why would you do that, though? Why not let him suffer the consequence of leaving stuff home? Both of mine learned early on that I would not go back to school to pick up forgotten work or books, nor would I come to school with anything they forgot at home. Gonna get a zero - oh well.

It helps to get bookbags ready the night before. I do make sure that the kids each have some money on account for lunch if they don't bring it with.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Why would you do that, though? Why not let him suffer the consequence of leaving stuff home? Both of mine learned early on that I would not go back to school to pick up forgotten work or books, nor would I come to school with anything they forgot at home. Gonna get a zero - oh well.

.

That advice is disrespectful of the needs of small children. Why do you even read MDC? It's like you're an anti-GD plant from the mainstream world.

[KaraBoo]

have you guys tried getting every single thing she needs ready the night before? Like, make it a habit to keep stuff in a bin by the door. Perhaps even keep extra shoes and socks in the car?

My younger dd doesn't go to school but I had this issue with my elder dd. I was in uni at the time and her dad, my ex, got up hours earlier and was gone by the time we needed to get going. I was basically parenting alone and I HAD to get her to school on time so I could get to MY class on time too. So what I did was make sure it was all by the door before I went to bed. I put my bookbag by the door too. I got her up as late as possible and basically shoved food in her and pulled her clothes on for her. She wasn't (and still isn't) a morning person!

[luvmytwo]

I have gone in and turned on the lights, talked with her, and turned on her music. She has not been using her alarm clock lately so I will get that going again. I'll set it for a pleasant station.
The only thing is when she is tired, she is tired. I do offer her choices that I can help her get dressed or she can do it on her own.

UUMom, I totally get what you mean by that she is only 8 and I am her mom and can help her along in getting ready. I can only do so much with her since I have her brothers who are waiting for me to help them as well.

I think since we took the LandL class I have that voice in the back of my head saying I can't be the helicopter parent and always do things for her. And then I think; she is only 8, at what point do you stop "doing" for your kids? That she will expect it and never learn. I have done the drill sergeant thing with her (out of frustration) when it comes to the point we need to go. I was raised with a drill sergeant parent (my dad was one, literally, in the Army!!) and I did not like it at all. I don't want to do that to my kids.

On another note, do any of you find that you fall into parenting your kids the way you were parented; even though you did not want to be that way? My dd and I are similar in alot of ways, is this why I get so frustrated with her? I can see my mom and dad in myself sometimes with my kids and then I get mad reminding myself I do not want to talk that way/parent that way. It is mentally draining!!

[blueeyes]

I have 2 that get ready & out the door on time if not earlier. On the other hand, I've got 2 others that are just horrible at getting ready & out on time. One thing we have been doing is making sure ALL clothes are ready the night before (including socks, undies, bras, etc) & I check twice to make sure that is absolutely what they want to wear. this has helped tremendously. However, they still are always a good 5 min. behind. Now one is a teenager & she is well aware of her consequences. The High School here will give her detention, but she is lucky she makes it in before the late bell..... but we're still working on her.
The other is my 8 yr. old & she too has gotten better, just making it before the late bell. The one thing I tell her which seems to help if she's being particularly stubborn is "we're going to have to write ion the late note that you were late because.........(crying, talking back, temper tantrum, whatever the occasion is!).She does not want them knowing of she's been acting up that way, too embarrassing, so this has helped too. Oh, I also get her up 30 min. earlier & let her lay in my bed with me, talking, cuddling, etc., until the alarm goes off again. She enjoys this & I think it puts her in a better mood.
I hope things get batter for you & I hope you find some of the advise here helpful!

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by luvmytwo

I have gone in and turned on the lights, talked with her, and turned on her music. She has not been using her alarm clock lately so I will get that going again. I'll set it for a pleasant station.
The only thing is when she is tired, she is tired. I do offer her choices that I can help her get dressed or she can do it on her own.

UUMom, I totally get what you mean by that she is only 8 and I am her mom and can help her along in getting ready. I can only do so much with her since I have her brothers who are waiting for me to help them as well.

I have 4 kids, and I do understand. But when my little guy went through needing me, I found that giving him the 5 minutes of my help, allowed me to better serve the other children. They got more of me, less of my crankiness, and a nice morning. The 5 minute ivestment of slipping a shirt over a head, and a sock onto a foot cleared my whole morning. I wouldn't start by asking her what she wanted...not in a mean way, but rather in a cherrful way "Hey today is pizza day at school" as I slip the pj top off and slip the day one on. "Pancakes or eggs?" as you hand the jeans to her. etc

And don't worry about dressing her forever...it won't happen. She is needing you right now, and that is ok. A need met is a need met. It's unmet needs that keep rearing their ugly heads in all sorts of ways. I assure you that I am no longer helping my 14 yr old get dressed. Haven't in years and years. Seriously, take one day at a time, and break the old habits (crabbing, complaining, seeking attention) and create new , better times.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Why would you do that, though? Why not let him suffer the consequence of leaving stuff home? Both of mine learned early on that I would not go back to school to pick up forgotten work or books, nor would I come to school with anything they forgot at home. Gonna get a zero - oh well.

It helps to get bookbags ready the night before. I do make sure that the kids each have some money on account for lunch if they don't bring it with.

That's what DH said too. I didn't do it every single time but if the class was a morning class then I would usually go back and take it to him, depending on what it was and how important it was.

I am a WAHM so it didn't bother me to take the stuff to him usually. However, it got to the point where he would leave his gym clothes at home and I would not take those a couple of times and he HAD to get a zero on those days and finally he got to the point where he never forgot his gym uniform again after two times of me not taking it to him. But that was mainly because he would call me at like 2pm and said he forgot it (gym was his last period class) and school got out at 3:30pm so I wasn't going to take it to him that late in the day and have nothing to do for a whole hour while waiting for school to get out, no way.

There was also one time my son had a huge project due for a class and didn't tell me about it until the night before it was due. I was angry but I helped him through it. We did it MY way and he was a little embarrassed of how I helped him but I told him either take what I helped him with "last minute" or get a zero and so he took it. He learned from that time.

[mamabeca]

I think there are clearly two camps - not just here, but in general - about helping kids out of a pinch, whether that's gettings somewhere on time, or remembering their 'stuff'. Natural consequences are hard to determine, esp. for someone else's kid! Getting wet because they forget (or refuse to wear) a raincoat is a natural consequence, but if it ends up with a sick kid who misses half a week of school, and a wohm parent can't get their work done, then perhaps we need to cater each decision to the family and the child...

Can you homeschool her? My dd went through a phase of wanting desperately to homeschool only because it meant no wake up (she has a bus that leaves our house at 7:08AM, so I completely understood!) - we didn't, in the end, because she would have lost her place in her school and I told her that it was HER decision, but that if she ever did want to go back to having a regular 'school' day with her old friends, it wasn't going to happen if she left...and she decided to stay (and has been very happy). But if your dd would be happy to be homeschooled, if you can manage it, there are tons of plans out there to help! There's Enki, which is a very nature oriented one...well I won't go into them all, go lurk in the HOMESCHOOL forum and you'll see what I mean - LOADS of options! Otoh, if she's to stay in school, she does need to agree to make an effort to get up and out w/out making everyone miserable. IT's your job to get her ready, but her job to cooperate and be willing to do the necessary steps.

I second the chart of morning activities. I used pictures for my dd for years, long after she could read, because she responded so well to the pictures! We drew them together, and it was a lot of fun seeing her check them off every day. When the chart/sheet was full, we went together to a movie as a reward. After that it was easier to get her to be up and ready.

Another idea is to get her up a LOT earlier (and go to bed earlier!). If she normally gets woken at 7:30, get her up at 6am, and spend some QT with her - an art project, making breakfast for everyone together, reading aloud together, even watching a special show on TV together would be better than the struggle you've been experiencing. Once she's up to do the fun thing, school is just the next thing on the daily menu. It is extra for you, in the AM, which is hard, but if it might work, it's worth a try.

My last suggestion is to make sure of two things: 1. she's sleeping enough and soundly. and 2. that there isn't something going on that makes her not want to go to school. It doesn't sound like the second thing is a problem, but make sure she's getting sufficient sleep (my dd is 9 turning 10 and gets 10.5-11 hrs. every night). If not, she's going to be sleep deprived, which ime is a cranky, attitudey child.

I hope things are turning around for you! Andy