How do you handle ignorant comments

[mpvelaz]

My DS is only 8 months old and I am already getting comments from people that I need to spank him .
I went out to luch the other day with some women I work with and DS was drinking/playing with my water. His attention went to something else for a moment so I took the water glass away and he screamed. The next day at work a couple of the women asked me if I spanked him and made a comment that I needed to. For one he is only 8 months old and second I do not belive in spanking. I told them this and they kind of just blew it off like with the comment that he is my first baby and I will probably change my mind. How do you handle these comments, especially the one I always get about he is just my first baby?

On a side question, is it normal for my DS to already be throwing tantrums at 8 months old? he started doing this at about 6 months. How do I handle this gently and with out breaking his spirit?
TIA

[CaraboosMama]

Are you kidding me? I don't know any parent (even more mainstream ones who do think spanking is ok) who would spank an 8 month old!!

I think your son is not so much having tantrums as just trying to communicate with you in the limited way he has right now. A fantastic book is "What Babies Say Before they can Talk" by Paul Holinger He explains a lot about how preverbal infants and toddlers communicate (not baby sign language - just trying to understand what they communicate w/ different cries, body language, facial expressions, etc.)

If all else fails and the crying is just too much - take a break. Let someone else hold the baby or failing that - set him down in a safe spot (on a blanket on the floor, crib if you have one) and go in the other room to catch your breath and your sanity.

I am NOT advocating letting him cry himself to sleep - just letting you know that it is totally normal to get overwhelmed by the crying sometimes. Some babies cry to release tension when they have been overstimulated etc. It can be very tiring - but it doesn't mean your son is having a tantrum or trying to manipulate you in anyway.

[mpvelaz]

Thanks for your reply. I thought the same think, I was shock that they said that. I wasnt even really able to reply properly because I was so thrown back by the comment. I think they were partially joking, but not completely.

It really doesn't upset me when he does that, I felt the same way as what you said, that he is just trying to communicate that he wants the water back (or whatever it may be) in the only way he knows how.

But some comments people make really bother me, especially when they say he is just my first baby so I don't really know.

I will just keep doing what I feel is right and following my instincts like I have been doing all along. Thanks for the reassurance.

[birdie22]

This happened to me recently. I have a 3.5 yo and I'm 39 weeks preg. DS was playing with his friend in the yard while I chatted with the other mom and another neighbor. I called ds to come back because he had wandered into another yard and ds ignored me. (Selective hearing!) I joked that he's pushing his boundaries because he knows I'm too slow to come after him. The other neighbor said, "Yeah, I guess you'd burn his butt, huh?!"

Very spontaneously I laughed out loud as if it was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. "NO! I would go bring him back, but I would never hit him."

She actually continued the conversation by saying "I guess you girls today do the timeouts right?" The other mom said yes, and I said, "well, I can't remember the last time he had a timeout." I didn't want to get into it too much more because the other mom is a friend and she's really into the "naughty step."

By this time, ds was coming back on his own. I don't know if she's still wondering how I do it, or if she's just assuming that ds is really "easy."

[guestmama9944]

Spank an 8 month old??? Wow....I really hope they are kidding.

Just because you're a first time mom does not automatically make you stupid and open for unsolicited advice. You're an intelligent person and can certainly make your own decisions about how to raise your child without interference. As long as your kids are safe and happy, it's no one else's business how you choose to discipline, sleep, feed, (and the list goes on) your children.

That's what I'd LIKE to say whenever I hear comments like that. What comes out less coherant

[crazycandigirl]

I take a moment like that to inform someone about the distraction technique.

"Instead of hitting a child, give them an appropriate alternative activity to try. It really works."

This is my go to when someone suggests spanking as an only solution.

Sometimes I just look at someone with a horrified expression and say "She's only ___years/months old!" lol It tends to throw people off.

[dubfam]

Are they older? I can't imagine anyone in my age group recommending spanking an 8 mo, but maybe someone from a couple generations ago...

that is just awful!

[Magella]

Originally Posted by mpvelaz

How do you handle these comments, especially the one I always get about he is just my first baby?

"I'll keep that in mind. Oh, look! Would you like some bean dip?"

[verde]

I always have a visceral response to people who suggest or even do spank babies. My evil grandparents did that and continued to abuse their kids and my mother and all my aunts and uncles suffered because of that. If someone suggested that to me I would looked shocked and firmly state that spanking a baby is abuse pure and simple.

Sheesh.

[hedgewitch]

First of all spanking an 8 month old is insane. Those people are clearly off their rockers. Secondly, if someone refers to spanking an older child you could try saying something like:

"If I can't outwit a ??year old then I don't deserve to be listened to."

Sorry you heard horrid people suggesting you hit your baby. I would be tempted to put those nasty ladies over my knee!

[mpvelaz]

Originally Posted by wendyjoe

Spank an 8 month old??? Wow....I really hope they are kidding.

Just because you're a first time mom does not automatically make you stupid and open for unsolicited advice. You're an intelligent person and can certainly make your own decisions about how to raise your child without interference. As long as your kids are safe and happy, it's no one else's business how you choose to discipline, sleep, feed, (and the list goes on) your children.

That's what I'd LIKE to say whenever I hear comments like that. What comes out less coherant

Thank you so much for the incouragement.

These women are not that much older than me (in there 30's). Their exact words were that I needed to "pop" him and then the conversation got onto spanking. I was just as disgusted and shocked as you all are. All of the women that I work with are very mainstream, southern and my ideas definately clash with them.

[EarthMamaToBe]

For the record, I am NOT mainstream, I AM southern and in my 30's and I think hitting children is WRONG!!!

Tell these women that hitting only teaches violence and there is enough of that in the world already.

[Mrsboyko]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

Tell these women that hitting only teaches violence and there is enough of that in the world already.

: Will be using that one this weekend I think.......

[bl987ue]

I cannot fathom the mindset that would advocate striking a baby. If they are too dim to be able to outwit a little baby, what do they do to their older children? Whale on them with 2 by 4s? Incomprehensible.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by CaraboosMama

Are you kidding me? I don't know any parent (even more mainstream ones who do think spanking is ok) who would spank an 8 month old!!

:

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by CaraboosMama

I think your son is not so much having tantrums as just trying to communicate with you in the limited way he has right now.

:

[That Is Nice]

My own personal observation is that people who advocate spanking usually have one or more of these traits:

1. They were spanked as children.

2. They are new to parenting, or perhaps even don't have a child of their own yet. Spanking is one of the few forms of discipline that they are aware of.

3. They are extremely frustrated or overwhelmed.

4. They haven't read a lot of books about child rearing or discipline. (Even most conventional parenting books and experts these days do not advocate spanking.)

So, I treat ignorant comments about spanking as either a chance to empathize with someone in tough parenting situation AND plant a seed for a better form of discipline or I simply use it as a conversation entrance into the benefits of gentle discipline. "Spanking is so passe!"

[Squrrl]

First off, don't sweat the screaming when you take things away thing, cuz I think that's pretty normal. God knows mine does that, and has since 4 months or so. Usually time or distraction do the trick.

To the spanking thing I might say (assuming I was willing to be a bit offensive, which I often am but most people aren't) that sometimes I DO feel like hitting my daughter, but I am adult enough to recognize that this is because I am angry, and not because it will benefit either me or her in the slightest...so I don't. Of course, in the situation described, I quite agree that the most obvious and immediate response to me would be "Spank an 8 month old? Are you freakin' kidding me?"

As for the whole "first child" thing, again, this is more than a little offensive, but I might say that if this child hasn't made me abandon my morals yet then I doubt the next one will. ("This one" is not exactly laid back). Or I guess you could also point out that there are plenty of cultures that don't spank, and that if entire societies can refrain from hitting their children, you can probably do without, too.

Boy, sometimes you don't have to look far to see what's wrong with the world, eh?

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by mpvelaz

I told them this and they kind of just blew it off like with the comment that he is my first baby and I will probably change my mind. How do you handle these comments, especially the one I always get about he is just my first baby?

Originally Posted by Squrrl

As for the whole "first child" thing, again, this is more than a little offensive, but I might say that if this child hasn't made me abandon my morals yet then I doubt the next one will. ("This one" is not exactly laid back). Or I guess you could also point out that there are plenty of cultures that don't spank, and that if entire societies can refrain from hitting their children, you can probably do without, too.

This makes me remember that before I even had kids, I didn't like the idea of spanking. If the topic came up I heard, "Just wait until you have kids. You'll change your mind."

Then when I had my baby, I heard, "Just wait until your child is a little older, then you'll change your mind."

Or "Wait until you have more than one, then you'll spank."

Some people believe in spanking. Most people don't. Most modern parenting experts and books, even the most conventional, advocate for alternatives to spanking entirely or at least to try before spanking.

And that is what I usually tell people.

[One_Girl]

They go away as your child gets older and people see that they behave really well without it. They really won't believe that you aren't going to change your mind until you don't change your mind and he hits teenager years.