Did I do the right thing?

[Montessorimom8]

I'll try to make this short. Last year ds (then 5) had a friend that kept exposing himself. To my knowledge ds did not. Anyway, when I gently told the parents, they made a huge issue of it, basically told us we were lying and even tried to physically harm me. Later she apologized, the kids started playing together and I haven't heard any other incidents, but ds saw the other mom go postal on me and made a huge negative impression on him.

So yesterday (a year later) his K teacher calls me up and tells me there was an incident with a little girl, that she had her dress up and was either showing her panties or that ds was more involved in it (as in pulling up her dress). She said she didn't see the incident, only the girl having her dress up, and after it was over she called ds over, made sure no one could hear, and gently told him about appropriate behaviour, etc. She pointedly said SHE didn't see the incident.

So last night, I wanted to know the whole story since the teachers said SHE didn't see what really happened. Ds broke down, hysterical, and refused to talk about it. He covered his ears with his hands, and kept screaming he didn't want to talk about it. I was very very gentle, and told him it was important that he tell me WHAT happened because since his teacher didn't exactly see what happened I might be only getting half the story. He didn't understand this and kept refusing. I told him that I would not be angry, that I only wanted the truth, that I loved him and that nothing he could do or say would make me love him less.

He finally broke down and told me that he 'accidently' pulled up her dress. I let the 'accidently' slip because by this time I was pretty sure that he did pull it up to take a look but didn't want to make that an issue. I thanked him for telling me the truth, etc. Then later I come to find that another teacher Did see what happened and she must have told the head teacher.

I feel so bad, because if I had known that the other teacher Had seen him do it, I would not have tried to drag it out of him and put him through so much agony. I wanted to know his side of the story, because we all know there are sometimes two sides to the story. I wanted to know just What was going on so I knew what to say to ds.

Anyway, did I do the right thing by trying to get the correct information? I hated, hated, hated to keep asking ds but I thought maybe she had pulled up her dress herself or something, in which I would have just made a casual comment about appropriateness and left it at that. Ds is very very sensitive, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I just wanted to know the truth. I just feel horrible that he was SO upset. He is very hard to get information out of in general. He is not so much secretive as reserved, and I try so hard to respect that. But I felt I had to know what really happened, you know? Please tell me that I did the right thing?! Or if I did the wrong thing, what should I have done so I won't make this mistake in the future?

Oh, last thing - should I say something to the teacher about the other teacher knowing what really happened? Obviously the head teacher found out this happened from the other teacher, and I'm assuming that the other teacher told her what ds did. Should I mention to her that I would appreciate it if she'd give that information to me next time, even if she's not 100% sure but 'pretty sure' what happened? I would not then have had to rake him over the coals, I would have said my piece about appropriateness and not have had to put us all through that? Thank you so much.

[mrsdocmartin]

My DS is still an infant, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I probably would have done what you did. At this point, I would just leave the whole issue alone. To me, it seems pretty normal for a child of this age to be curious about both his body, and the bodies of other children. I would try to continue to stress the importance of appropriate vs inappropriate touching in the future.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Hm.. I think the obvious question for me is, what difference does it make exactly what happened? Given your son's sensitive nature, would have you said something different if he did it on purpose or the girl did it herself? I think I would probably have just mentioned that pulling on someone's clothing (either gender, up or down or just sideways) wasn't appropriate, maybe made a comment about it being the same as not keeping your hands to yourself, and then let it go. No drama either way. I confess though that I hate it when teachers "tattle" over things that aren't a huge big deal. Generally I don't feel any compulsion to address it with my child unless its going to result in blood or major discipline at school.

Same logic with the teacher -- is talking to her again going to change anything you do? I doubt its likely to change anything she does. Maybe next time you can ask more specific questions, but maybe not. So let it go -- its not worth fussing about.

[lunar forest]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Hm.. I think the obvious question for me is, what difference does it make exactly what happened? Given your son's sensitive nature, would have you said something different if he did it on purpose or the girl did it herself? I think I would probably have just mentioned that pulling on someone's clothing (either gender, up or down or just sideways) wasn't appropriate, maybe made a comment about it being the same as not keeping your hands to yourself, and then let it go. No drama either way. I confess though that I hate it when teachers "tattle" over things that aren't a huge big deal. Generally I don't feel any compulsion to address it with my child unless its going to result in blood or major discipline at school.

Same logic with the teacher -- is talking to her again going to change anything you do? I doubt its likely to change anything she does. Maybe next time you can ask more specific questions, but maybe not. So let it go -- its not worth fussing about.

ITA. It's perfectly normal for children to be interested in this stuff. he just needs to know that other people's bodies and clothing are only ok to touch when that person is ok with it - just like with hitting, pulling, pushing around, and generally being up in somebody's space. It's a big general rule, for everybody, and it applies to a lot of different kinds of situations. I wouldn't dwell on the sexual implications of this because he's just being a kid. You don't want to make him feel bad about it.

[OllieMama]

I also only have a very young ds, but I just thought I'd chime in and say that though he may have been upset about going over it again, it seems like this interaction will at worst show him that he can be confidant that he can talk to you without you getting mad or loving him less or whatever. He told you (though it wasn't easy for him) and from the sound of it your response was loving and supportive, and it's good for him to see that, I think.

[Montessorimom8]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Hm.. I think the obvious question for me is, what difference does it make exactly what happened? Given your son's sensitive nature, would have you said something different if he did it on purpose or the girl did it herself? I think I would probably have just mentioned that pulling on someone's clothing (either gender, up or down or just sideways) wasn't appropriate, maybe made a comment about it being the same as not keeping your hands to yourself, and then let it go. No drama either way. I confess though that I hate it when teachers "tattle" over things that aren't a huge big deal. Generally I don't feel any compulsion to address it with my child unless its going to result in blood or major discipline at school.

Same logic with the teacher -- is talking to her again going to change anything you do? I doubt its likely to change anything she does. Maybe next time you can ask more specific questions, but maybe not. So let it go -- its not worth fussing about.

I've been giving your answer some thought, and you have some very valid points. And had the incident not happened last year with the boy exposing himself, I would tend to agree.

But while I think it's all normal and innocent, I did want to hear what really happened. If my ds is doing unacceptable behaviour, instead of just being a bystander if she lifted up her dress, I want to know about it. Maybe it wouldn't have changed my reaction but I would want to know that it happened.

But I definitely appreciate your point of view, and maybe I should have been more general when I talked to him. That's why the teacher not really cluing me in made me upset. At this age, if I Know ds did something wrong I don't ask him if he did it. I tell him what is appropriate and don't give him reason to be untruthful. But when I didn't have all of the information, I was at a loss. Saying something general might not have worked anyway, because I can anticipate his reaction if I said anything, "Why are you telling me this?"