Tired of having to justify my choices! - Page 2

[pie]

sleepies

While it is my opinion that there is no greater gift than breastmilk, and not only because it is more the more nutritious choice, there are ways to bottlefeed that are better than other ways. I am assuming you hold the bottle like a breast, respond quickly to your baby's needs, and don't let him CIO. That you believe in putting children first and providing a warm loving home with loving discipline. I can see that maybe you are caught in between 2 worlds, and do offer you whatever support I can give you. However, if you give birth again, deeply consider breastfeeding. It is important. It is vitally important to you, your environment, and most of all your babies. If you would like to continue this conversation w me, please use the private message function. I do not condone your choices but am willing to accept them and I for one do welcome you here.

[sleepies]

private message?

Im not sure how to do a private message.

I might even have it turned off.

i'll turn it off and try to reply.

[pie]

Just click on pm at bottom of this post. I'm going to doctor for ds...will reply asap

[cat]

Sleepies -- of course you are welcome here. Please stay! I am glad that I asked for your reasoning, because now I have a somewhat clearer picture of who you are and what you would like to get from these boards. I think your former signature was probably part of the confusion for me.

I agree with mamapie, it does seem like you are between two worlds. Please keep in mind that no two moms or dads practice their AP parenting in exactly the same way. In fact, there is a range in the interpretation of being AP here. But also please keep in mind that while one parenting issue may not be important to one member, it can matter very much to another and should not be readily dismissed.

I hope that you will stay here. We're all parents who love our kids and want the best for them. Just keep an open mind and heart -- there's much to learn and many friends to make!

[caleb's mommy]

It's been my experience that people who want you to justify your choices are having a hard time justifying their own. My mil, for example, has repeatedly questioned me because I do not believe in spanking children. Truthfully, I don't think she wants to debate spanking at all. I think she wants to convince me that spanking is okay so she won't feel guilty about her own choices. I think she fears that I'll judge her. The ironic thing is that I don't look at the world that way. I don't look at what she did or what my own parents did to judge them. I do, however, try to look at what they did that didn't seem to work and make better choices. Just my opinion.

[peacemama]

I tend to see it that way too, caleb's mommy. I feel like those who question me do seem insecure about their own choices. In fact, I'm going to be kind of bold here and say that a lot of these moms don't even seem to have made CHOICES, they just sort of go along with the mainstream, registering for bottles with Mickey Mouse and matching pacifiers at Babies R Us and letting their kids watch Rugrats and yelling or spanking because that's how they were raised and they've never educated themselves about alternatives.

I try so hard not to come across as elitist or judgmental on these boards but sometimes it isn't so easy...

[Ahappymel]

Speaking of justifying my choices...

Hi there,
Speaking of justifying choices, I am bf-ing my 3 month-old and considering extended bf-ing (I'm leaving that up to my baby's needs). We co-sleep and I nurse him to sleep every night. Every time I mention this to anyone, they click their tongues and shake their heads and say that I am establishing bad habits. Does anyone else out there nurse their baby to sleep? Am I denying him the ability to learn an important habit (that is, falling asleep by himself)? Does anyone have any experience to share? I' tired of trying to justify what feels right and obviously comforts my baby. Thanks for the advice--Mel.

[truly_sarah]

I whole-heartedly agree with Peacemama's thoughts about the lack of choice in some parents' behavior. I think for a lot of people, it is too much effort to make a choice. So they do follow along with the mainstream. I suspect it is also an effect of advertising...the more you are exposed to something, whether it is a certain type of food, a particular vehicle, the more it becomes mainstream and therefore a natural "choice" of an individual. It then takes extra effort for the individual to back up and look again at all the options without the foregone conclusion taking the heaviest weight. I myself am going through a routine of avoiding advertising in print, on television, radio and the internet because I am interested in my own opinion and also I believe, probably rightly so, that I can avoid many expenses in doing so. This choice of action has not made me incredibly popular among my former mainstream parenting acquaintances. But there is a lot to be said for being a leader rather than striving to be ever-so-popular by jumping on the bandwagon. In my case, I stopped participating in discussions about mainstream niceties...what's your favorite TV show, what do you order at fast food restaurant, where do you go to have child's portrait taken...as a result I have had a lot more time for myself and my own pursuits, and the interactions I DO have with others seem a lot more meaningful to me. I have lost the feeling of living in a "fake" world. To me, this is a major accomplishment! I am hoping my children won't ever feel like they have to "fake it" to get along in the world.

[peacemama]

Ahappymel - I always nursed dd to sleep, and plenty of people told me not to, saying that she would need it forever. Well, one night when she was about 8 months old, she finished nursing at 9:00 and was WIDE AWAKE! I didn't want her to stay awake until the next time she wanted to nurse, so I figured, what the heck, give it a try. So I put her in bed and she gurgled and babbled for about ten minutes and then conked out. After that, she rarely fell asleep nursing anymore, but had no trouble going to sleep. I think it was just her temperament. I don't really believe you can "teach" a baby to go to sleep on her own, unless you let her cry it out, and I don't believe in that. Take my advice - ignore people!

[pie]

Happymel, ignore people as Peacemama said. I mean, eventuallt everyone learns how to fall asleep on their own, right? You may still be nursing your babe to sleep when he's three and you may not. In the long run, it doesn't reaaly matter. You most likely will not be nursing him to sleep as an adult! I think that your baby is lucky that he has a mom that is willing to try and treat him as an individual. Just follow your heart. I still nurse my 2.5 yo son to sleep and am happy I do as it's really easy! I am too tired in the evening to try and struggle w him.

[Ahappymel]

For Peacemama and Mamapie...

Thank you for the words of encouragment...you are awesome mamas! Peacemama, in a previous posting you mentioned that you don't allow your child to watch commercial television Kudos to you....my husband and I both agreed to get rid of the television when the baby was born. I actually had a person ask me how I expected my child to become oriented with pop culture/society without a television in our home. Oh my gosh! I told her, "That's where WE step in..." I agree that perhaps the reason some people may criticize parenting skills that are different from their own, is because no one really wants to admit that they are/could be wrong. Better to call someone else wrong than admit that fault may lie with themself. Mamapie, I love your signature...I was just discussing the fact that although the days of being a parent are long and often VERY routine, the months (and years, I'm sure) FLY by.
I appreciate the advice about night-nursing. I will follow my heart and nurse my baby until he doesn't want it anymore!

[pie]

Good for you, Ahappymel and very nice to meet you. Look forward to seeing you around these boards.

[wishful]

So what is the big deal with nursing a baby to sleep? Most, no, ALL the bottle feb babies I have known were or are bottle fed to sleep. Is it that I just know the "right" people?

[sleepies]

i read that 65% of people breastfeed
and every one of my friends breasted
so, my bottle-feeding was actually going against the 'norm'.

just wanted to say that.

[Jish]

About the sleeping thing

I nurse my 14 month son right before bed he sometimes falls asleep, but often will finish eating, sit up, crawl up to put his head on my shoulder and his arms around me and play with my hair. We sit like that for a while and I eventually lay him down. He will cry no matter what. If he is asleep he will wake up and cry, if he is awake he also cries, not for long and it no longer bothers me. I have decided it's just his style. My first son was a great sleeper, so this one has been a real trial. I had to kick him out of my bed at six months because neither one of us was sleeping anymore. He did better in his crib but still woke up ever 2 - 3 hours. He just the last month has begun sleeping for eight hours a night, though not always.

If you are looking for a good book on the subject look into the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weisbluth (I'm not sure on the spelling.) He doesn't oppose cosleeping or nursing to sleep, and he talks a lot about the physiology of sleep. He is not a big fan of Ferber, but on the opposite side he is not a fan of Sears either (I am.) I learned a lot from his book and can see everything I did right with my older DS and everything I did wrong with my youngest DS.

Give it a try and let me know what you think. If anyone else has read it, I'd love to know what you thought.

[Forest Sage]

Strong but Silent

I'm to the point now where I don't even discuss my mothering style with anyone unless they ask me questions, then I'll answer truthfully. It's a good thing you ladies are here so at least I know that I'm not alone...my choices, the things I know are right instinctually, are definately not popular around here, where I live. My son is 3 1/2 and he breastfeeds and has slept with me in our bed since he was born. Never has he had to cry for me to come and get him out of a different room. I have never even left him for more than a couple of hours at a time. It's so sweet the way he says, "mom, Donnie loves your breast!"

However, I have had experiences where I'll let one little thing slip through and I'll get jumped all over! I don't see my dad very often, (thankfully) but when we do it's so uncomfortable. If Donovan starts pulling at my shirt my dad is not shy about letting me know how disgusting it is to let him breastfeed at "his age."

I think what bothers me the most is when people CANNOT understand why I sleep with my son. To each her own, but I can't even say how many times people get hung up on the sex issue. There are people who are threatened by the loss of oppourtunities of having sex with their partner if there is a child in the bed. Oh, good heavens, do those of you who co-sleep know what I'm talking about?

Just a few thoughts this morning.

Peace,
Amie

[peacemama]

A reply to wishful's comment about why people seem to think nursing to sleep is a problem while, a baby falling asleep with a bottle is not:

That is an interesting point, and I never thought about it until you brought it up! You know what I think? I think it's because eventually the baby can hold the bottle by herself, whereas Mom needs to be present for nursing. The problem those less enlightened people must have probably is about the baby needing MOM to sleep, not the breast per se.

Why is it that people want babies, LITTLE BABIES, to be independent? They're not supposed to be independent, they're babies! Why is needing Mommy seen as a sign of weakness rather than a sign of a strong bond? I personally feel sad at the image of a baby lying alone sucking on a bottle in a crib. I'm not bashing bottles or cribs, mind you, but I think if a bottlefed baby needs a bottle to fall asleep, a parent should hold that baby and "bottle-nurse" her, even if she can hold it herself.

[MamaBug]

I agree with Peacemama! Let them be babies as long as they can! I was unable to BF and very saddened by this. However my kids still need ME to get to sleep. They are 3 1/2 and 19 months. They never went to bed with a bottle ( soooo bad for the teeth among other things) alone they always had me. Even for naps they still need me to lay with them, unless they are sooooo exhausted, and I LOVE this. I feel that there will come a time when they don't need us. My mother and other people do not understand how I can do this. And I admit that at times it makes things a little more challenging but I LOVE IT. I will cherish and recall these times when they are 15 and don't seem to need Mommy as much. So whether you BF or not I say be close to them for as long as they will let you and love every minute of it.

[jempd]

Justifying choices

I am responding mostly to the first post, from Peacemama. It seems to me to be a boundary issue; you were saying that since you respect others' boundaries, you'd like yours respected, I think. And that's utterly reasonable.

I'd like to add: I guess, like many of the other posters on this thread, I don't strictly fall into the AP category though mostly do. (I do bf and co-sleep but use disposable diapers, have both a stroller and sling, for example.) The situation around a lot of bottle-feeding mothers I know is that they seem kind of defensive when I bf, as if just by doing so is an implicit criticism of their decision not to. I sense there is some guilt there, and a lot of them feel deep down they're not doing the best thing by their baby, and that's where the defensiveness comes from.

I have found that often when the conversation at all touches on a particular choice my partner and I have made, and I start to explain or respond as though the person was genuinely interested, that while I'm speaking that person has tuned out. After a few times of this (at family gatherings almost invariably) I've learned that people are usually not really interested and to just deflect it with the old polite vague thing.

[peacemama]

Jempad, I can see what you mean about people thinking it's an implicit criticism of their choices when we make ours apparent...believe it or not I had a friend (notice the PAST TENSE there ) who pretty much came right out and told me that it bothered her when I breastfed dd at her house because it made her feel like I was judging her for bottle feeding. Well, sorry, guess I should have given my daughter formula just to spare my friend's feelings...aren't I just the most inconsiderate friend EVER????? This same friend also said to me, "You turned out to be a very different kind of parent than I thought you would be and it's really hard for me to deal with." Obviously she has a lot of insecurity about how she was raising her own two children.