Tired of having to justify my choices! - Page 3

[sleepies]

that is one pretty messed up ex-friend you had there peacemama. how sad that we women judge each other so much.


where i live it is a "Given" that you breastfeed. I don't know how many times people have asked me why I don't. I have complete strangers ask me almost every time I go out. Some are even males! That really weirds me out when a man asks me.

i don't know why it bothers people one way or the other. all of my friends breastfeed, and I could care a less. it doesn't impact the way i feel about them. well, except i maybe have a little more respect for them...as i think what they are doing is admirable.

ok. i guess i'll put posting. i just enjoy the conversation.

[peacemama]

Sleepies, just out of curiosity, what do you tell people when they ask you why you don't breastfeed? I've asked people that question myself and I've gotten lots of different answers. Lots of the moms really just didn't have enough information, as in, "I have flat nipples and my OB/GYN said I can't breastfeed" but some just didn't know. No judgments here, just curious!

[Marlene]

Sleepies, I think that is terrible that strangers ask you why you don't BF. I must admit I was wondering myself, but then I said to myself, "what difference does it make to you? Stop being so nosey!" What do you say to those rude people? In another thread they were talking about "zingers" for people that disapprove of NIP and someone commented that we should use those opportunities to educate. But I think you are free to "zing" anyone questioning you. I guess you could reply, "because it's a free country!"

[Marlene]

P.S. My previous comment is not directed at you, Peacemama- I was writing my post at the same time.

[peacemama]

Thanks, Marlene, it was thoughtful of you to post again to say so. Bet you had an "oops" moment when our posts came up together. Hey, I am kind of nosy, but if someone puts it out there, they have to be prepared to answer a question...

[sleepies]

i usually just say "i am not comfortable with doing it".

it took me a long time to come up with a response that wasn't offensive or defensive though.

i didn't want to go ooon and ooon about why or why not.

so now i just have my one line statement.

[sleepies]

oh. didn't see peacemama's question

oh.
i have a ton of reasons why i am uncomfortable and a ton of reasons why i just plain "don't want to"

but they are long and i doubt anyone really wants me to go into it, especially here.

i hear a lot of "excuses" why people don't breastfeed too, that seem a little strange. my reasons are more just that i don't want to.

im all for everyone else doing it though. just not my cup of tea. or is that bottle of milk?

[ladylee]

Peacemom I know how you feel. I've found it very effective to be mostly in seclusion for the first year of Isabel's life. To be honest, I don't feel comfortable with either "mainstream" parents or "hardcore" AP parents, lol. If I allow myself to be judged, I can easily feel it from either group.

My mothering "retreat" has been an exercise of determining what works for me and not feeling the need to explain or justify it. My parenting style is simply not open for debate with anyone--parents, friends, strangers--sorry! Lol, I've learned many techniques to protect this wish of mine. My approach is very personal and I guard it like a watchdog--not an attack dog, but a watch dog. I know who I can trust and who I can't in discussing things, and who is respectful.

And I've also wondered if I'm being elitist--but I let that thought go. I don't believe it's an ego thing with me--it comes from a place of wanting to do what's best for *my* child. To each his own. If I decide I can't be around someone because our parenting styles aren't compatible, I'm entitled to that.

Thanks for bringing up this subject!

~lee

[Marlene]

This is long, but I need to vent

Yes, I too am tired of having to justify my choices.
Today I found myself defending myself with a total stranger over doing something I don't even want to do... I'll explain-
On another thread I asked for advice- should I give my dd a pacifier. While pregnant I swore I wouldn't use one. Now I see there may be a use for one during car rides. It really upsets me when dd cries and I am stuck on the turnpike. I finally tried to give dd a paci- she didn't like it, I was told to continue to try to give it to her, she'll "learn" to take it. OK, so today I am in line at a store (a long line) and I can see that look on her face, you know, she's gonna wail any second now if I don't get her on the breast so I think ok, let me try the pacifier. I'm gently putting it in her mouth, letting her chew on it a bit and she's spitting it out a little and the woman behind me tells me not to give her a pacifier. So I start to explain that I really don't want to, but I think I need to since I can not breastfeed AND drive. She tells me "I breastfed all of my children, too and I did not give them a pacifier!" I am trying to get out of this conversation and she keeps saying, "don't give it to her...you're the only mother I've ever seen trying to get her daughter to take a pacifier...don't give it to her, she doesn't want it" (And you know, I'm having enough trouble trying to get dd to take the thing without this lady trying to boss me around!)
You know, all I want is to do what's best for my child. I want her to be comforted when I drive. Why do I have to discuss this with a stranger???

[sleepies]

Marlene

I am sooooo totally with you!

I swore no pacifiers, but my baby also cries in the car.

It was either wreck or suck :-)

That stranger never met me.

I tried to give my first baby a pacifier, but he wasn't interested.

I try and try with this baby. In the car is when I want him to have it.

It is your baby. I hate it when people try to raise your baby for you.

[MamaBug]

marlene,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that! That is just plain ridiculous. While there have been times that I thought of "helping" someone else "see the light", (such as driving a under 7 child around in the front seat of a car with all the windows closed while the mother was smoking ,I never do. Basically how someone else decides to raise there child is nobody else's business but their own. Besides giving a pacifier is not going to harm your baby and if you need her to have it for WHATEVER reason you have decided that woman had NO right to tell you otherwise. Both my boys had "binkies" as we call them and if ANYONE did what she did I think it would have been very hard for me not to tell her to mind her own business. I mean why is it that when we are minding our own business doing our own Mommy thing people decide that it's ok to be rude and unacceptable and we have to politely stand there and take it. God I am so Mad at that woman! Again I am so sorry this happened to you. And to answer your question, you don't need to have that conversation with people like her, from all I have read you are an excellent mother and people like that have no clue, next time thank her for volunteering to sit in your back seat when you go out to entertain your dd while you drive, tell her you'll be by to pick her up thursday at 5am for the family's cross country vaction , that ought to shut her up!

[peacemama]

Mamabug, that vacation thing is too funny! Love ya!

[MamaBug]

love ya too peacemama!
crunch crunch!

[Marlene]

Oh you guys are great! Thanks for the support. I think the venting worked.
P.S. Tried the paci again today- no go. Oh well!