So DS is kicked out...and it hurts (xposted)

[pixiewytch]

We knew this day was coming but last night was it. DS was asked not to come for the rest of kindergarten year at waldorf.

I have posted on here quite a bit lately about DS's problems with aggressiveness, hitting, sensory issues, etc. He was at waldorf on a special needs scholarship but his behavior has been escalating as he gets older and harder to manage. We still don't have a diagnosis or know the root of his problems in general.

Well with about two months of school left, we were asked to leave. We all agreed that because of his disruptions lately there really isn't a better option at this point. I guess what hurts the most is the stigma I've been dealing with lately. I mean, the teachers have been above and beyond trying to help and accommodate him but I feel like the parents haven't been understanding. I've been getting more and more self conscious when bringing him there about people thinking "oh, there's that bad kid" like I've done something to deserve it....and thus, I have even noticed up to this point other moms not being very chatty to me.

DS is very sweet and not a malicious child. He could be talking about how beautiful a flower is one minute and then go in a rage the next because he hears a noise that upsets him.

It is just so easy when you have a "normal" child to judge the other children. I feel like people don't care where your kid goes as long as they just go away. How is this going to affect him as he gets older? He is already starting to get low self esteem from being self aware of some of his shortcomings.

And now I have to explain to him that he can't go back to school Monday. The teacher told me to just tell him it is more important to be home right now but he isn't going to understand that. He will want to know why he can't see his friends. We didn't really get any closure either. We just found out last night after a school meeting and that was it.

His teacher said that if we find out what is going on and find some resolution over the summer we are welcome to contact the first grade teacher (when he or she is hired) and see if they will take him.

I'm just really broken hearted about this right now and the social stigma I'm feeling is starting to hit hard lately.

[spero]

Mama

Have you considered an evaluation and/or occupational therapy?

[pixiewytch]

We have been on a wild goose chase all year at the school's recommendation to see everyone from a chiropractor for vestibular problems to an anthro doctor which was five hours away and a complete waste of my time. Now I don't want people to think I'm saying all anthro doctors are because I understand there are some good ones but this one was not helpful to us at all. I think it is fair to say that the school sent us the best route they could for a situation they were not equipped to really handle....but on the same token with all the time I wasted going to these places I could have gone to a psych, had him evaluated, and then maybe been on the road to recovery so he could have stayed.

We are getting an evaluation next week by an OT for ASD. From there I may have to go to a psych. I just hope we get some answers soon.

[yukookoo]

You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing "wrong" with your child. He may have a disability that causes him to need to be taught differently than other children. THat does not make him bad and it for sure does not make you bad or a bad parent. Anyone that doesn't understand that is just ignorant and probably some day will understand being that whatever disability your child may have (i am assuming he is somewhere on the spectrum of developmental dissorders) is becoming more and more common.

I would say though that it is very important to get a diagnosis and treatment by specialists who know what they are doing. I don't think I would recommend Waldorf for this.

Even if he wasn't kicked out I would recommend that you pull him out and find a placement/ school that fits his needs better. Probably more structure and educated, experienced specialized teachers.

Assuming you are in the US your local regional center might be of help with this.

Don't feel like he has been kicked out for being bad. I would just focus on the school not being a good fit for him.

It must be very hard on both of you. You can just say that you are taking a break from this school for now, he doesnt need to know he is being kicked out.

Just read that oyu have an eval coming up. Diagnosis is the first stage to recovery. some parents avoid it like the plague not wanting their children labeled but it really is helpful as far as getting services and getting them paid for as well.

Do a search on Applied Behavior Analysis in your area and try to find a behavior analyst.

PM me if you need more info. I am in Ca and not working at the moment, but I have been int he field of ABA for over 10 years and left a private practice last year to be home with DD.

[karne]

Pixie, I am truly sorry to hear about your son.

[LindaCl]

Oh, pixiewytch...I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had advice where you could to turn to help him.

Parents can sometimes be such judgmental prisses under the best of circumstances. But the presumptuous "if that were my child..." thing? Yeah, right. Like everything in parenting, every child, comes complete with easy answers. Not.

I'm really sorry.

[spero]

Originally Posted by pixiewytch

We are getting an evaluation next week by an OT for ASD. From there I may have to go to a psych. I just hope we get some answers soon.

Speaking from my own experience, OTs cannot formally diagnose (this from my son's own OT, and from my two cousins who have worked in the OT field for 25 years). They can observe and make suggestions, and point you in the right direction for evaluation/dx, and then they can work with the dx.

Have you considered a consult with a Developmental Specialist?

[pixiewytch]

spero, I'm just really confused about where to go at this point. We just found out that our insurance policy has zero mental health benefits so I'm kind of looking for a way to skirt around that because it is so expensive to pay out of pocket...

and I've called around locally asking for psychs or therapists who deal with ASD and will see a six year old and all I get are cold, uninterested responses. I'm tired of goose chases and I tell you, if I knew where to go and end the search I would be more than happy with a diagnosis right now. That is what we were hoping for with the anthro doctor but she also doesn't like the labeling and so on....I don't like it either but my child needs intervention to live a normal life at this point. I just feel that if we knew what it was we could be on the road to fixing it and integrating once again with everyone else. I mean, 75% of the time he is a wonderful, sweet child with no issues, but the 25% can be bad...real bad.

[DashsMama]

I'm so sorry mama. Hugs to you.

If you are on good terms with your son's teacher, I suggest you call her and see if she would be willing to have a goodbye ceremony, or party of some sort. I know my son's teacher is very big on closure, and acknowledges that changes in the classroom affect all the children. Perhaps yours is too. If not, you can always do it yourself. Considering the hurt and judgement you feel, it would take some real guts, but you could invite the class to your house for a "going away" party. Besides helping with closure, this would also let you know which families held no animosity towards you or your son, and you could stay in touch with them, continue to have playdates, etc.

I recommend what others have said about going for a proper diagnosis. I have friends who were very hesitant about having it done, but found it to be life changing for their children and families. I'm pretty sure Regional Centers are a California thing (I used to work for one), so if you're in CA that would be the place to start. Not sure about other states, but you might want to check with your local public school to see if their resource specialist has any recommendations.

Good luck to you!!

[karne]

Pixie, your son should be entitled to evaluation, at least, through your local public school. It might be a (free) place to start.

[spero]

Originally Posted by pixiewytch

spero, I'm just really confused about where to go at this point. We just found out that our insurance policy has zero mental health benefits so I'm kind of looking for a way to skirt around that because it is so expensive to pay out of pocket...

and I've called around locally asking for psychs or therapists who deal with ASD and will see a six year old and all I get are cold, uninterested responses. I'm tired of goose chases and I tell you, if I knew where to go and end the search I would be more than happy with a diagnosis right now. That is what we were hoping for with the anthro doctor but she also doesn't like the labeling and so on....I don't like it either but my child needs intervention to live a normal life at this point. I just feel that if we knew what it was we could be on the road to fixing it and integrating once again with everyone else. I mean, 75% of the time he is a wonderful, sweet child with no issues, but the 25% can be bad...real bad.

I totally understand, pixie. When my son was going through the process of evaluation, it was confusing and frustrating for us as well. And the school made it so difficult for us (well, ONE administrator did, anyway) - it took MONTHS just to get him evaluated and into OT.

Developmental screening is NOT mental health related. Insurance should cover it ... you may have to fight for it but dx for OT is NOT considered a mental health issue. Can you get a referral from a ped? That's what we did. If you're comfortable PMing me and telling me generally where you are, I can see what's available to you for screening.

I really don't think you want to look for a psych, for ASD/SID. Like I said, ASDs are NOT a mental health issue. Rather, consider occupational therapy. My son was a completely different kid after just a few months of specific therapies targeted to his individual needs.

[pixiewytch]

I am in Florida in the Pinellas area. I believe this woman we are seeing next week is developmental, not just OT. She said that she could determine if he was on the spectrum or not. I know that she has years of experience and comes highly recommended from a friend of mine whose kids have all seen her for OT. The eval is free so I figure it can't hurt at this point and then I will go from there.

Actually his teacher did tell me last night she would give me a recommendation for a child advocate she knows somewhat but then she mentioned there would even be a charge for that.

So now it seems I have to pay money just to get somebody to advocate for my child and put them in the right direction.

[fluttermama]

Have you started with a family doctor? Often they will give a referral which makes it easier to get an appt with a psych. I got a free psych eval with the early intervention IU13 and that is the only psych we have ever seen. There is a really good quiz in the special needs forum right now for ASD...I think that the questions on there are what people are going to be looking for for an official diagnosis. I guess I can say to you that you are definitely not the only one...our anthro family doctor told me not to even apply at the regular Waldorf school because they would not take my dd with ASD...As hard as it is, I think this will be a good step for all of you...because he does have special needs your life is going to change but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Our life is in a different place than I ever imagined, but I truly believe that children with ASD are sent here partly with a message for the rest of the world to slow down and listen, to pare down the sensory stimulation, go back to our natural roots, and to respect that not all people are the same. Your son has many gifts and being with large groups is perhaps not one of them, but that's okay...as he grows things will change and you'll find his unbelievable strengths. You can feel free to ask or pm me with any questions/thoughts....I have two kiddos on the spectrum so I've been there. ((((HUGS)))) I've also found some good homeopathic remedies to help....

[pippilongstocking]

Oh {{{{{Pixie}}}}} I don't know what to say right now. Blimey I am going to be thinking of you tonight.

[bethcw]

Sending you some ((((((hugs))))) because you deserve some.

Beth

[pnutS4us]

(((((((pixie))))))) so sorry for your troubles I will be thinking about you!

[pixiewytch]

Thanks again everyone for the overwhelming support. Karne, your post in particular was very kind and I do appreciate it.

Fluttermama, I am thinking of going the family doctor route next if this next evaluation doesn't get the ball rolling. I've got to get something going soon so I can get some direction for the next school year. Are you homeschooling your kids? I can't quite seem to remember. If you are I'm just really curious about it since I would want to go with a pure waldorf curriculum.

[fluttermama]

Yes, I am homeschooling my kids with Waldorf and some Charlotte Mason style nature studies and such.

[kennedy444]

Originally Posted by karne

Pixie, your son should be entitled to evaluation, at least, through your local public school. It might be a (free) place to start.

This was my thought too. The town is responsible for kids at early ages - even prior to Kindergartenm through EI. I would call soon and get him evaluated before the end of the public school year. It's a busy time but from what I understand (where I live), once you put your written request in for an eval they have to respond within two weeks.

[MattBronsil]

I feel terrible for him.

I usually do not recommend lying to children, but you may want to think of a reason totally unrelated to him.
"We just cannot afford it right now" comes to mind.

I hope schools are willing to help out children that have special needs as long as the parents are on board. I feel it's terrible that they do not. It's one thing to say, "we can't help him" in the beginning. It is another to start to help, but stop later. Once you agree to it, you're agreeing to become a part of that child's life. To suddenly break off that relationship makes me angry.

Matt