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Voluntarily giving up custody? - Page 2

post #21 of 153
Ultimately you will have to make your own choice. There are two different issues to the situation. What's best for you and your dh, and what is best for your son. In my world, what's best for my child needs to come first.

Thing is sometimes when we're younger (doesn't matter if in your 20's, 30's, or even 40's) we want to jump on different opportunities to further our lives.

Your child has a very short opportunity to grow into adulthood. We all believe it will take forever, but those 20 years from child into college years is a blink of the eye.

Imagine your son is 5 now, you move, create a beautiful new life in Alaska, but logistically your bond with your son will not be as strong with you moving so far away.

Alaska isn't going anywhere, it will still be there in 15 years. These years of having consistent contact with your son, they won't last forever, do you really want to lose even a second of that time with him?
post #22 of 153
I think you should put your son first and your husband second.

Children need their mothers. Your son is already going through a hard time with you remarrying only 3 months ago.

I would never consider giving up custody of my child to move away. When you become a mother you give up certain things.

How can you even consider this move?
post #23 of 153
Didn't your ex get a DUI with your ds in the car like 2 months ago? I really don't think it would be in your son's best interest to leave him with his father at this time.
post #24 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bixby View Post
Didn't your ex get a DUI with your ds in the car like 2 months ago? I really don't think it would be in your son's best interest to leave him with his father at this time.
uh,yeah...
how can you be sure he has worked his "issues" out by now?
post #25 of 153
Exactly. Less than 2 months ago you posted about getting sole custody and supervised visits because of the dad's alcohol problems. You need to think long and hard on this.
post #26 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bixby View Post
Didn't your ex get a DUI with your ds in the car like 2 months ago? I really don't think it would be in your son's best interest to leave him with his father at this time.
Oh wow!!!!!

I take back what I said.

Your ex had a DUI with your son in the car!!!! ?????? And you are considering leaving them together???? Wow!!!
post #27 of 153
It's not my place to say what is best for your family.

It sounds like you've got some very difficult decisions to make.

I wish you peace and love as you make those choices.
post #28 of 153
OK, I'm confused, here.

You have a 5-year-old son whom you're considering leaving because you're excited about the prospect of teaching other children in Adventureland of the North. Your concern is not about his wellbeing, but about custody. You have some unrealistic assumptions about how custody works (thinking, for instance, that you can leave him with his dad for a term, then bring him to live with you).

Your ex got a DUI with your son in the car, but you feel sure he's turned things around, which happens to be convenient for your move.

The job of your husband of three months trumps your son's needs.

I am all for the pursuit of fulfilling careers. However, I think you have a few issues to work out before you either leave your son or assume responsibility for classrooms full of other children. In ten or fifteen years, Alaska will still be there, and presumably you'll be around, too. Right now, imo, you have a pressing job, which is to help raise your son, whom you had voluntarily.

I would not move, and I would sit down and have a chat with your DH about your commitment to your son.
post #29 of 153
I can't imagine doing this.

Especially for a job in Alaska. I live in Alaska right now. We are so isolated from the rest of the country. It can be very difficult to leave because of sheer distance. Also it really is not all its cracked up to be. Especially Anchorage.
Dirty city with a high crime rate. I would suggest staying near your son.
post #30 of 153
2 months of sobriety does not mean that your ex is no longer an alcoholic or over his "issues" as you call it. Also, he currently has his gf's 5 kids living with them. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Your 1st job is to be a responsible mother...everything else comes 2nd including your new husband that doesn't get along with your child.
post #31 of 153
It's easy to get emotional and heated when one sees a thread like this, so I'm going to try to stay away from the kind of "OMGZ! He's a kid! how could yoU!" post, and operate under the assumption that you truly want what's best for your son, and are not putting your own interests first. Honestly, I think no matter how happy he is to be with his dad, that if you were to move that far away, that you and he would suffer damage to your relationship that would be irreparable. Not just the idea of abandonment, which is a very real consequence, but let's pretend that it's an alternate universe and he would be as happy as a clam. Can you even imagine missing out on that much of his life? And can you even imagine how unfair it is for a boy who has a mother who can contribute to his development in so many positive ways to absent herself? From now until his 20s, he is learning how to be a man. What a complex learning process it is, and it includes learning how his mother allows herself to be treated, and treats men. In the vacuum of a mother or strong mother figure, he will fill in the blanks himself, and do you want to take that gamble?

Your boy needs you, he needs you and his dad, and he needs you THERE and CLOSE, in proximity, not just thinking of him and writing him from far away and visiting. Think about 20 years down the road, seriously. Close your eyes and imagine your life in 20 years. Picture sitting with your son talking. Is he telling you how he's glad you went to Alaska to pursue your dream of teaching, or are you two laughing and talking about shared memories at the ages of 5, 8, 10 and 12? He needs you.
post #32 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by daniedb View Post
It's easy to get emotional and heated when one sees a thread like this, so I'm going to try to stay away from the kind of "OMGZ! He's a kid! how could yoU!" post, and operate under the assumption that you truly want what's best for your son, and are not putting your own interests first. Honestly, I think no matter how happy he is to be with his dad, that if you were to move that far away, that you and he would suffer damage to your relationship that would be irreparable. Not just the idea of abandonment, which is a very real consequence, but let's pretend that it's an alternate universe and he would be as happy as a clam. Can you even imagine missing out on that much of his life? And can you even imagine how unfair it is for a boy who has a mother who can contribute to his development in so many positive ways to absent herself? From now until his 20s, he is learning how to be a man. What a complex learning process it is, and it includes learning how his mother allows herself to be treated, and treats men. In the vacuum of a mother or strong mother figure, he will fill in the blanks himself, and do you want to take that gamble?

Your boy needs you, he needs you and his dad, and he needs you THERE and CLOSE, in proximity, not just thinking of him and writing him from far away and visiting. Think about 20 years down the road, seriously. Close your eyes and imagine your life in 20 years. Picture sitting with your son talking. Is he telling you how he's glad you went to Alaska to pursue your dream of teaching, or are you two laughing and talking about shared memories at the ages of 5, 8, 10 and 12? He needs you.
Danie said it well...
post #33 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
My bolding.

IMO if something you are planning on doing with your life doesn't allow you a lot of time to care for your son or give him the attention he needs, then, as a mother, you shouldn't be doing it. I am sure there are people who will disagree with me but IMO when you become a mother your needs, especially when your child is still so young, become secondary to your child's.
I agree with this, and this belief has affected me personally - I don't say it casually. Before we split, I had returned to school to prepare to go to medical school. My dream career, I had the will and the way to do it. And then after nearly a year of school, taking the prereqs, I did some really hard soul searching and realized that, given my circumstances (newly single mom, whose STBX may very well fade from the kids' lives) I cannot devote the next 10 years of my life to intense academics and training. It will come at the expense of my kids. And I've got family support by the boatload, but I'm still mom, and my kids' father may not be much of a player in their lives so I've got to be front & center for them.

It was heart wrenching to give up this dream. I'd already worked so hard, and poured so much time, money & effort into it (quit a career, busted my butt making A+'s in school this past year, done volunteer work, etc.) but kids & motherhood have to take priority. So, I'm planning on becoming a nurse anesthetist, which will be about 1/3 the school & training, less grueling academics, and a MUCH easier application process.

Anyway, this is long-winded, but I wanted to share how I grappled with a somewhat similar dilemma. Kids trumped my dream career/life.
post #34 of 153
I really feel the need to come at this from a different perspective. That of a child who was put in this situation.

My mother left me with my grandmother at the age of 5 and went to live with her boyfriend and live a "normal life." They asked ME what I wanted and of course, being 5 and seeing how much my grandma spoiled me, I said, "GRANDMA!" And to this day that 'choice' haunts me.

For many years, my mother regretted her choice because she wanted me to move back in with her and I told her no, I was happy with my grandma. She felt guilty, resented her mother, and I was made to feel guilty because I had "chosen your grandmother over your mother."

My mom is dead and gone and to this day her words and the guilt she put on me all those years has me in a deep depression. Please think long and hard about the long term consequences of any choices you make in this situation.
post #35 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stackmama View Post
I really feel the need to come at this from a different perspective. That of a child who was put in this situation.

My mother left me with my grandmother at the age of 5 and went to live with her boyfriend and live a "normal life." They asked ME what I wanted and of course, being 5 and seeing how much my grandma spoiled me, I said, "GRANDMA!" And to this day that 'choice' haunts me.

For many years, my mother regretted her choice because she wanted me to move back in with her and I told her no, I was happy with my grandma. She felt guilty, resented her mother, and I was made to feel guilty because I had "chosen your grandmother over your mother."

My mom is dead and gone and to this day her words and the guilt she put on me all those years has me in a deep depression. Please think long and hard about the long term consequences of any choices you make in this situation.
My God, how horrible. I'm so sorry.

I am chronically amazed at the sorts of things human beings are willing to do to themselves and their children, without anyone holding a gun to their heads.
post #36 of 153
I know this is a little different from your situations, but here is my (anecdotal) take:

When my stbxdh (geez, that's long, lol) was a baby, his parents (not married) split up. His mother had a great singing career and according to her, his father followed her around harassing her to let him have the baby. So when he was around 10 months, she gave him to his dad. she visited and saw him, but not that much. As her singing career grew she had less and less time for him because she was always booked at nightclubs and such. my dh used to tell me how his dad would tuck him in bed at night and leave for his overnight shift as a doorman, and my dh would get out of bed and sit on the fire escape, hoping his mom would come see him. My FIL is a good man and loves him dearly, but he wanted his mom too. when he was a teenager his mom got remarried and took him back to live with her, but by then their entire relationship was based on material things...he wanted, she would buy (out of guilt).

It had a profound effect on him. It scarred him. He hates his mother for abandoning him and at the same time he craves her love and affection becasue he's missing that connection. It brings tears to my eyes, even now, because what he went through as a child made him into the man he is today, and guess what? Now he's continuing the cycle with our son. He will never be a true parent to my child. I can't even being to explain to you the numerous ways he has been affected. he could have been a very different person with the right parenting.

I guess what I'm saying is, please, PLEASE don't think that your little boy doesn't need you. He does. He WILL remember. It WILL affect him. It's like I tell my "critics" about cosleping, and bf-ing, and spending 2 hours a night putting my son to sleep the "gentle" way....I have the rest of my life to sleep alone, wear cute shirts and watch primetime TV, but I only have my baby now. Please make a good choice as a mom. It's the most important job we have.
post #37 of 153
I think there is a huge difference between not geographically being close to your child and "abandoning" your child.

My father "abandoned" my brother and I, and he was less than 5 minutes away. He chose to allow us to basically starve while he drank and pretended that he was a 22 year old frat boy.

I am planning to move far away from where I live now, and that would mean that my daughter wouldn't be geographically close to her biological father. If she wanted to see him, she would have to visit him for a month of so over the summer. And I don't see why your dc couldn't visit you in Alaska for a month. Sometimes biological mothers and biological fathers live far apart and that doesn't mean that anyone has abandoned anybody.
post #38 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by trinity6232000 View Post
Ultimately you will have to make your own choice. There are two different issues to the situation. What's best for you and your dh, and what is best for your son. In my world, what's best for my child needs to come first.

Thing is sometimes when we're younger (doesn't matter if in your 20's, 30's, or even 40's) we want to jump on different opportunities to further our lives.

Your child has a very short opportunity to grow into adulthood. We all believe it will take forever, but those 20 years from child into college years is a blink of the eye.

Imagine your son is 5 now, you move, create a beautiful new life in Alaska, but logistically your bond with your son will not be as strong with you moving so far away.

Alaska isn't going anywhere, it will still be there in 15 years. These years of having consistent contact with your son, they won't last forever, do you really want to lose even a second of that time with him?
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE
post #39 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by ToastyToes View Post
I agree with this, and this belief has affected me personally - I don't say it casually. Before we split, I had returned to school to prepare to go to medical school. My dream career, I had the will and the way to do it. And then after nearly a year of school, taking the prereqs, I did some really hard soul searching and realized that, given my circumstances (newly single mom, whose STBX may very well fade from the kids' lives) I cannot devote the next 10 years of my life to intense academics and training. It will come at the expense of my kids. And I've got family support by the boatload, but I'm still mom, and my kids' father may not be much of a player in their lives so I've got to be front & center for them.

It was heart wrenching to give up this dream. I'd already worked so hard, and poured so much time, money & effort into it (quit a career, busted my butt making A+'s in school this past year, done volunteer work, etc.) but kids & motherhood have to take priority. So, I'm planning on becoming a nurse anesthetist, which will be about 1/3 the school & training, less grueling academics, and a MUCH easier application process.

Anyway, this is long-winded, but I wanted to share how I grappled with a somewhat similar dilemma. Kids trumped my dream career/life.
I hear you. I recognized going into pregnancy that I'd have much less time for my own work, which is why I waited till my mid-30s. Now I spend more time working for money than I ever did as a childless writer, and I do the sort of hack work I'd never have touched before. The fun stuff, the interesting stuff, even in those fields will have to wait another 12-13 years or so, until I can go jetting around with impunity. By which time, though the idea annoys me, age discrimination will have set in and I may not have the chances I do now. People dismiss a 55-year-old woman more easily than they do a fit 40-year-old, and by that time I'll find it more difficult to talk to the thirtysomething kids who run much of the show; I'll scare the grad students and interns.

I've cut myself off geographically, too. I live in the midwest and have for many years, but I've had enough. I'm not Protestant, I don't enjoy silence as a language, my world is a crowded world of people striving with each other and their wants, not the desperate fear of touch I find here. I don't want to look at any more parking lots, and I've begun to think that the absolute blindness to aesthetic sense in use of space and architecture here is some latter-day Puritanism. I'm ready to go live in cities again, and my writing needs it. I won't go, though, because doing that would mean either leaving my daughter or taking her away from the rest of her family. I dislike her father's family, but they're clearly important to her, and so is he. (I don't, by the way, expect him or them to maintain the same commitment. Oh, I'm sure they'd make many excuses and there'd be all sorts of cries of helplessness, but in the end I can see them abandoning the kid. But we play for time.)

I cannot understand parents moving away from their children or those who try to tell themselves that it's nothing and the children will adjust. If your family is starving and you have to leave for work, that's one thing. But because you like it better somewhere else? Or because of commitments that came up later, like another marriage? No, I can't see it.
post #40 of 153
: I'm in the wrong forum, too...

Of course it was hard to write about and think about. It should be. That was your intuition saying, "are you even considering this?" I have to admit that I read your op and my jaw dropped...dropped. What stood out to me is that you and your new dh don't have time to care for your 4 yr old because you want to do your own thing. Then I read about the dui and alcohol problems that happened TWO MONTHS ago?

I think your reasoning is selfish and I cannot even imagine changing a child's life because I've always wanted to live somewhere else...etc. etc. etc.
I have a ds who is the exact age and it he is not anywhere near rationalizing who he wants to live with or making adult choices that will affect everything he ever does and is. Just wow. Why would your new dh even apply for a job in Alaska? Color me totally confused.

oh, and : to everything threebeans said.
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