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Am I being hormonally crazy?

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
I'm putting this here, as I think Step-Mom's might be able to offer some insight...

DP asked me today how I'd feel about asking his ex for the crib, stroller, and new born car seat they had.

I nearly started crying. I didn't mean to... I know his heart was in the right place with saving money...

But all I can think is... this is the stuff him and his ex-wife picked out together with their first baby...

I don't want my first pregnancy just brushed aside because he's been through it. I know that isn't what he is doing... but isn't part of the first pregnancy getting to pick out this stuff?

I just don't want the constant reminder in my face that this is his and his ex wives' not mine....

Am I just being irrational and hormonal??
post #2 of 30
NOT hormonal and crazy. I would have the same reaction. *HUGS*
Does he get how you feel about the issue now? Or is it a problem?
post #3 of 30
Thread Starter 
He didn't push the issue. He said we don't have to make a decision right now and he understands that it may be something I don't want to do, he was thinking of saving us money.

Like I said, I know his heart was in the right place... I just feel sick thinking about it.
post #4 of 30

Maybe you could start putting a little bit of money each week for fun "baby" purchases? Make a special "baby stuff" bottle fund or something of the sort? You could also point out to him that if you guys are planning on baby shower, and have a lot of friends and family, you can hope for some of the things you need to come from the gifts.

Even with money being tight, I'd make sure that he uderstands that borrowing stuff from the ex is NOT an option (ugh... *shudder*).

I think pinky had a story on this topic.
post #5 of 30
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I thought of Pink immediately! lol That's the thing... I'm the oldest in my family, and out of all my cousins. And I do have a BIG family. I know we are going to get stuff from family. Heck, even one of my family members may have a crib lying around right now if it came to that.

I think hand-me-down stuff wouldn't bother me as much as long as it wasn't his ex's. I don't want her things in my peaceful environment... regardless that we get along... that doesn't change that she is the EX and this is MY family now. *shrugs*
post #6 of 30
Hell No!

No way would I want hand-me-downs from his ex! I mean, maybe some sibling clothes down the road, but not baby stuff. I'd be very offended. I told my husband that if we have a baby, I want him to be very sensitive to anything that could sound "been there, done that," as this would be hurtful to me. A child we have together would be my first and I don't want it to feel like the 3rd kid, you know. He's pretty good on that now. The other day I asked if he thought we should keep or give away or sell DSD's car seat that she outgrew, and he said "well, I can't imagine we'd have any use for it -- might as well get rid of it."

It's weird -- I know he has kids, so I know he has these experiences, and I'm ok with the kids being around and I adore them, but it's like on some level I don't want to hear about his past experiences in that way.

And I certainly would want to choose my own baby stuff. And any hand-me-downs would not be from her. No way. Stand your ground on this one -- your pregnancy and your baby are special and not reruns.

We don't want her energy in here anyway -- even got rid of the tiny bit of furniture and dishes he had from before just recently. Felt great to get it out of the house (it bothered him much more than me). Last week I gave away a bunch of clothes that reminded me of when I had been married before. I had held onto them out of some misplaced practicality, but never wore them. Much better to start fresh!

Maybe if you gently explain that this is a hugely special experience for a woman and you'd really hate to feel like it wasn't special to him then he'll get it. My husband did. Sometimes you have to be direct with men. Good luck.
post #7 of 30
No, you're not being crazy. I think I'd be OK with the stroller (which was stolen during SD's toddlerhood, so this is moot) and the car seat, but not the crib. I'd be OK with using my SD's crib from her dad's house (she was still a baby when they divorced) even though it's the same style of crib, if it was in better shape (it got banged up in the last move--good thing she had outgrown it and we were just saving it). I am the cheapest person on the planet, so I'd welcome the free accessory/safety stuff...but I have an emotional attachment to my home (wherever my home is at the time) and I don't want her stuff in it.

That said, I would never ever ever ever ask for her stuff, and I can't imagine my partner doing so, because there's already tension that I'm "living her life" and she's older than my partner and I are and believes she'll never have another child and this would be just one more indication... and we are a lot more financially secure than she is, and we have parents who are a lot more financially secure (and desperately wanting to spoil more grandchildren) than hers are...so no, it wouldn't come up. If she offered, well maybe...dunno.

As it is, I think the grandparents on both sides would go crazy and I won't have to worry about furnishing a nursery.

But to get back to your original question...no, you're not crazy.
post #8 of 30
I'd feel the same way. In fact, when my Hubby and his ExWife were finalizing things and selling the house, one of the suggestions my Hubby put up was us buying the house and living there together- me and him in the Master Bedroom, my son in the guest bedroom and his daughter in her own room. It would have saved us lots and lots of money and made our lives a hell of a lot easier, but all I could think about was making love to him in the same bedroom he started his marriage with his Ex and concieved his child with his Ex. It creeped me out, not to mention all the jealousy issues and inferiority complexes I would have suffered from, either "for real" or "in my mind". Your reaction is completely normal. Nobody wants to be a "leftover".
post #9 of 30
I second the Hell No! response.

You have lots of time to save up enough money before your baby comes. You could save $20/month and have enough to get something at a gently used place like a Once Upon a Child. Target has cute stuff too and it's not incredibly expensive. Plus I'm sure you will have a shower, since this is your first baby.

His ex's used Diaper Genie is one thing. A crib is something entirely different. My DD is sleeping now in the crib that I slept in when I was a baby.
post #10 of 30
Sounds like y'all already know my answer on this one.

We accepted quite a few hand-me downs from my dad and stepmom (my littlest brother is 4) and our cosleeper bassinette came from my stepmom's sister. It was just different.

You guys are starting a new family, so the things in your house should be from your family. I am no longer hormonal (I allege, anyway), and I am glad that I stuck by my guns on that one. I think that DF understands now why it was a thing then.

Every now and then, DSD's mom will send over some random baby thing that she finds. It's like it is a challenge for her to sneak DSD's baby things over here. Don't ask me why this woman still has baby stuff - she moved and had a garage sale when DSD was 3. Last week I opened up DSD's backpack and was greeted by a giant plastic bag of take 'n' toss spoons. This woman with no use for baby flatware had more of it than I had ever planned on purchasing in my life. We did once get a pair of leopard print socks that DSD wore as a baby. DS did sport those - with his "I do my own stunts" t-shirt.

You aren't crazy. The fun of picking out baby stuff is what makes up for the backaches, the heartburn, the waddling, and the fact that several (if not many) people will see your poop when you push out your baby.
post #11 of 30
I third the "hell no" thought process....ick.

I'm sure his heart was in the right place, but men typically have zero clue about how much this stuff means to women, yk?

You'll get so much *stuff* from relatives, you'll have more than you'll need without having to resort to using his "past life" things.
post #12 of 30
I have to say it . . Hell no ! . . . more hugs and you are not a hormonal crazy pregnant woman !
post #13 of 30
I can see a guy thinking that it was a perfectly rational idea. That doesn't mean that you should want them. I wouldn't. ESPECIALLY if you have a large family and know that those things will come from a shower, anyway. And you can choose the things that best meet YOUR needs.
post #14 of 30
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone!

We had a long talk and he "got it".

We went to Baby's R Us today to browse and get ideas and actually found a beautiful crib/changing table that is totally affordable too.

I'm all happy again. lol

Thank you again. I may have to pester you more as this progresses... I'm a little over the place so am not precisely sure if I'm being rational all the time. lol
post #15 of 30
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
I don't want my first pregnancy just brushed aside because he's been through it.
Ah geez...I could have written that. My dh raised ds1 alone from 2 months of age until I came along with ds1 was 3&1/2. His mom just dropped off the scene altogether, but in the early days she popped in and out occasionally (she's been pretty much gone since I got pregnant with dd).

During my pregnancy so many people said "Oh you're so lucky to have Phil, he's been through all this before." Geez...thanks. Nothing like reminding the hormonal pregnant lady that the child she has been mothering* all this time is not hers. Thanks. 'Preciate it.

And while pretty much all of ds1's baby stuff was gone....Dh did suggest that if the baby was a girl that we use the name that he wanted for ds1 if ds1 had been a girl.

The name that he and his ex had decided on.

I called him quite a few names that night, let me tell you!!

We laid down some groud rules with regards to my pregnancy: He was not allowed to compare it to his ex's. He was not allowed to compare the births. My fear was that my pregnancy and the birth of our child together would be diminished because he had "been there, done that."

My fears were ungrounded, and I think from your last post your dh understands what's going on and I hope that he'll be as supportive as mine is.

And congrats on the baby, btw!

(*While Cam still calls me by my first name, he refers to me as his mother...because in his own words his mother "quit...but it's ok because I have Lesley to be my mom")
post #16 of 30
Thread Starter 
Aww, Lesley! Thank you! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with these fears.

I laid the ground rules too. He can off input on baby things that he did with his daughter, but that doesn't mean that we will neccessarily do them. I am different, and together we are different, meaning our needs may be different. I think that has really sunk into him.

His Mom has been wonderful with schooling him too. She is always on my side. hehe
post #17 of 30
I agree with the idea that input does not mean doing things the same. We don't parent DSS or DS the same way his mom does or the way that I think DH would have if he was still with DSS's mom. One of the suggestions I have for stuff DSD's mom might give you even if you don't ask for it is what I do with stuff anyone gives me that I find ugly or don't want for whatever reason. Take it. Say thank you then take it to Once Upon a Child and sell it so you can take the money and buy things you like, want and pick out, especially for big things like cribs etc... I get ugly clothes so often from people and I just take them if they are new I return them if they are used I sell them and if I can't sell them I just give them away. Hope this helps. Congratulations and good luck
post #18 of 30
The "oh hell no" replies are very telling.

Answer this question.

Would you buy all new for YOUR second child? Cause this is what it is for YOUR husband.

My third child (second marriage) reused many things that my former spouse and I picked out. My husband, wonderful man that he is, never batted an eye at it. He is secure in who he is in my life, and knows that stuff is just stuff.

In fact, when my former spouse did get his new wife pregnant... I offered to pass a bunch of stuff back to him... his wife refused it. Who the heck refuses fuzzibunz in great shape, a medela breast pump, kelty kids back pack, urgo back pack, slings, and gender neutral cotton sleepers? Again, it was very telling to me.

Some of it was purchased by my former spouse or his family in the first place.

post #19 of 30
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
He is secure in who he is in my life, and knows that stuff is just stuff.
(I'm not picking on you specifically - just quoting your words.) OP I find this kind of statement harsh. You having the feelings you have are very valid. These feelings you have don't make you a bad person. While I understand the desire to make sure you're not completely out of left field because of hormones - I did it all the time when I was pg too - please know that your feelings are entirely yours and have a right to be heard and addressed. While I would not support you screaming at your DH that he was an insensitive knob for suggestion such a thing. I do applaud you putting your feelings out there and addressing them in such a way that your needs are being met. (I found that hard to do when I was pg. )

I don't know what I'm really trying to say, that statement just really struck a cord with me and I wanted you to know that I think you have every right to your feelings and I'm impressed by how you handled this situation.
post #20 of 30
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
In fact, when my former spouse did get his new wife pregnant... I offered to pass a bunch of stuff back to him... his wife refused it. Who the heck refuses fuzzibunz in great shape, a medela breast pump, kelty kids back pack, urgo back pack, slings, and gender neutral cotton sleepers? Again, it was very telling to me.
I think that's where I might be weirded out...I'd take the diapers and other stuff if offered, but I think I'd have problems using my partner's ex-wife's breast pump. (Even replacing the contact parts, I know...)

We're all human, and we all have things that make us uncomfortable--that's not a character flaw, it's just how people are.
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