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post #141 of 153

2/20/09 at 12:36pm

WuWei
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post #142 of 153

2/20/09 at 12:36pm

WuWei
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post #143 of 153

2/20/09 at 12:37pm

WuWei
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Please do post particular issues to the yahoogroup. There are over 800 families there who are resources to support you in your journey. But I hope this will help to answer some of the process and philosophy questions related to seeking mutually agreeable solutions with little people.

CL website: http://www.consensual-living.com/
CL Yahoogroup: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-living/

Pat

post #144 of 153

2/20/09 at 12:37pm

WuWei
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Original CL Thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=consensual

Pat

post #145 of 153

2/20/09 at 1:07pm

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i do wish there was a subforum on this. its a lot to take in all at once, it would help to discuss one thing at a time for me, to get a better understanding of how it applies in day to day life. I like the concept, but find parts of it just totally overwhelming. I read how to talk so kids will listen, and I am going to read unconditional parenting. I feel like my parenting is heading in this direction, but I think my LIFE should be heading in this direaction. im definitely not there yet though. I wish there was a CL board. My head is spinning right now...

post #146 of 153

2/20/09 at 1:11pm

WuWei
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You are welcome to post specific questions to the yahoogroup also.

Pat

post #147 of 153

5/18/09 at 4:08pm

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Taking notes. Lots of reading here.........

post #148 of 153

6/25/09 at 12:44pm

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I am finding that this thread really ties into the way I would like to be raising my son-I am very inclined to just let him do as he likes most of the time as long as he isn't hurting himself or anyone else. (He can't eat or paint with the Desitin, for example, but he can smear edible fingerpaint on his head if he really wishes to..he is washable!). I do have many questions though.
My ODS is only 20 months-how does the concept of consensual living and freedom of choice tie into things like bedtime? He is pretty willing to go to bed when he's tired-he crawls in and lays down. What about the nights when he's obviously tired and fighting sleep?
What about naps? He needs one, takes one...isn't always enthused about it though.
How do I implement PLing? He is indicating that he is ready to try the potty...would it be considered consensual if I introduce it??
What do I do if he hits his baby brother??
What if he wants to do something that's obviously dangerous like go into the road?? There obviously isn't a compromise for this sort of situation...do I resort to redirection??
Sorry if my questions seem ignorant or silly...I am at a transitional point with ODS and would like to handle it in a way that makes him feel respected. I have more questions but I can't think of them right now...thanks in advance for any input!

post #149 of 153

6/26/09 at 8:34pm

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We practice consensual living, though we are still learning and growing as a family. I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and it is a constant struggle to work on letting go of the "control" mindset.

It frustrates me that people (IRL mostly) think that consensual living means child-centered living, or basically not parenting and letting your child do whatever they want. The basis of consensual living includes everyone involved, not just focused on the child getting his/her way in each situation because that's what the child wants to do. I believe with consensual living you *can* say no when it is needed, but with respect and while offering other alternatives, age appropriate explanations, etc. As a parent, though I practice consensual living, I still feel as if it's my duty to be sure my sick baby takes medicine she needs to get well even if she doesn't want to do it at the moment, or to be certain my toddler doesn't run in the road despite the fact that she thinks it's a fun place to play, or to tell my child we have to go to the grocery store to buy food even if she does not want to if there are no other options at the time. I think the most difficult part about living consensually is to be able to figure out in what instances your child isn't old enough to judge for themselves, like when taking medicine, and to respond in a respectful way rather than a strict authoritarian way. Does that make sense?

So when my toddler wanted to run in the road, I stopped her. I told her it was dangerous. On the occasions where she actually ran into the road or out in a parking lot I would cry out for her to stop and even when she was small she would understand the emotion in my voice--fear and worry, urgency. When she was too young to fully understand to not run away, if she got it in her head that she was going to run in the road constantly while we were out or something, we would just go inside. If we had to be out or we were in a parking lot I would offer alternatives--slings and carriers, stroller, piggy back, shoulders, grocery cart, holding hands, even holding a piece of her clothing when she was opposed to holding hands.

Sometimes gentle redirection is all you can do. After all, a toddler is not mature enough to fully understand and make decisions for themselves in all situations! I think that's the fine line between letting your kid do whatever they want or being a parent who is mindful and respectful.

The nap issue is kind of along the same vein. It's a fine line again. Sometimes toddlers and young children are tired but aren't mature enough to go to sleep. But you also don't want to force them. What do you do? When my DD doesn't want to go to bed (she's almost 3 now) we explain to her that daddy has to go to bed because he gets up early for work. Momma is tired. Living consensually, she has to learn to respect our needs as well as meet her own needs. So we find a way to compromise--she can watch tv shows in bed with us while we sleep or play quietly with the toys we select and bring to bed, but she can't get up and run and play and wake up the entire house. When she was less toddler and more of a baby it was difficult because she couldn't understand the idea that we also have needs...I think she needed us to rock her and nurse her and not give up on getting her to sleep even though she was fighting to keep herself awake when she was obviously exhausted.

I've found when you avoid making something a power struggle in the early toddler years then the behavior easily resolves itself once the child is old enough to understand better.

When there is hitting involved I acknowledge my initial reaction--frustration, anger, or whatever it may be--and then I put that aside and think of how DD must be feeling. Why she might need to hit--is she frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, feeling powerless, etc. Then I respond appropriately. Sometimes that means removing ourselves from the situation if she is overwhelmed. Other times she just needs me to remind her that hitting hurts and to ask her what's wrong.

Potty learning--I think it is consensual if you introduce the potty, just don't force him to do anything. Sit him on it if he is relaxed and interested. Don't make him sit on it or bribe him to sit on it. Let him watch you (and DH) in the bathroom, talk about it with him. It's fine to introduce new things as long as you follow his lead and are responsive to how he feels.

I think consensual living looks different for every family, it's so subjective to the personalities of the people in your family and your living situation.

post #150 of 153

8/8/11 at 10:16am

WuWei
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bump.

post #151 of 153

8/8/11 at 11:17am

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dd is almost 9.

i have practised CL right from the beginning before i even knew it existed. between CL and Non violent communication i would say dd and i have a pretty good relationship.

as an older kid i see the results of my parenting philosophy.

at camp where everyone was sharing about how people help each other out dd brought up that she was grateful to have a mommy like me because i respect her by listening to her and allowing her to be herself - even when its not a nice self. when she later spoke to the teacher (who asked her more because she was curious since dd gave such a out of the box reply) she said the one thing she really appreciates about me is that she always feels respected in our house. that there is an understanding in our house and that she feels heard and her opinions matter.

all the stuff i worried about as a toddler - being forced to put on clothes to go for the doctors appt - in the long run didnt matter because they were lone issues that happened rarely.

post #152 of 153

8/11/11 at 9:26am

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Anyone have any advice on how to handle food allergies, being almost tv-free, and being a 1 car family? To explain more, dd and I have food allergies so we are a gluten/soy/sugar/artifical free household, but when we go out ds always wants to eat others food, we want him to stick to the diet as it makes things easier and everyone is healthier/happier on it.... but explaining this to him makes him really mad. We are a Waldorf family so are almost tv-free, we allow 1 movie on the weekend, the kids have both agreed to this but we're still hearing lots of grumbling about tv during the week, I'm not sure what to do here since limiting media is very important to us. And, lastly like I said we are a 1 car family for a variety of reasons, only problem is ds almost never feels like going to pick up dh from work, unfortunately he's too young to be at home alone and we don't have anybody really close by to watch him so he *has* to come with us.

Help please!

post #153 of 153

8/15/11 at 9:50am

WuWei
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We have started a Parenting with Joy, Trust and Love Facebook page to share Consensual Living info and discussions.

Pat Robinson

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