[QUOTE=lexbeach;11245795]The mom has told me about how she practices "Consensual Parenting". I put it in quotes, because I didn't know if what I was witness to actually was a good example of CL or not. I'm generally totally cool with people finding a snack for their kids in my house, but the way that this mom did it just rubbed me in the wrong way. It felt really awkward for me. I didn't want to have to be in the position to be saying no to her son--I thought that that should be her job. But she wasn't going to say no until she had exhausted all of the possible avenues to "yes" . . . which I can understand in the context of your own home, but didn't feel appropriate in someone else's home.[QUOTE/]
Hi Lex! Yeah...Like I said, this sounds to me more like a mama who is working towards consensus in her home...I have noticed with my own shift into a more CL way of life that I had to swing Aaaalllllllllllll the way to the 'other' end of the spectrum before I realized that this was just as unhealthy for us as the more authoritarian, coercive way was....so it has been a practice in finding balance...the more I practice, the easier it gets. I truly treasure the yahoo group....I post general questions, entire thought processes, and specific situations I am stuck on, and I always receive such amazing support and ideas from folks who have been doing this for years...and also from folks like me who are new to the idea and thinking out loud.
The goal is not to say yes to your kids, although I do try to find ways to say yes to them as much as possible...for example, if they ask me to do something right in the middle of my work, rather than say 'not right now...maybe later' or something like that, I would say something more like 'sure, I'd love to do that. It sounds like fun...I'd really like to finish my work so I can be free to play as long as you'd like'. But there are times when I can't or don't want to do something that they want to do...then we find a workable solution...it might not be exactly what they wanted, but there really are so many possibilities out there that we can typically come up with something that we all feel good about....we all try to meet in the middle, you know?
Quote:
My other question is about health issues. How do those of you who practice CL approach issues about things like when to give antibiotics/motrin/etc. or when do go to the doctor/dentist/etc.? I know that if it were up to my kids, they'd be drinking motrin for breakfast everyday (it's pretty much the sugary-est thing they've ever had and they LOVE it. I do give it to them for ear aches, but lately they've been pretending that they have ear aches in order to get some). The other day I took my son to get a blood test because we're trying to figure out which foods he is sensitive/allergic to. He would have opted against the procedure, but I felt it was my decision to make as his mother, concerned about his health. Any thoughts?
Thanks for sharing so much!
Lex |
As far as health issues go, I am of the belief that for most things, we can take care of and heal ourselves. I also practice CL when it comes to anything having to do with my kids bodies. Right now dd has a gnarly splinter, but she doesn't want to take it out. She is taking good care of it, keeping it clean and covered, and we discuss every now and again what the options are, what could happen, etc. My kids have not been to the dentist. I have not seen a need. Their teeth appear healthy, and I'm not concerned about that right now. We don't do well child visits. We don't do motrin, and I stay away from antibiotics at all costs....we typically do nothing for sickness...we give our bodies a chance to grow strong and heal themselves...when we do use something we use herbs and homeopathy. If they need comfort then we may use heat, and I will stay by them to comfort them with my words and my touch. My kids have asked for echinacea tincture when they don't need it (because it tastes good), and I explain to them my concerns, and then offer something else....emergen-C, an herbal infusion, iced-tea (made from an herbal infusion), etc. Sometimes when they ask for anything medicinal out of the blue, I often take it as a sign that they need it, and will offer immune-boosters (high vit. c fruits or the other things I mentioned above). We harvest and process many wildgrowing herbs, so I feel confident in being able to work with my children in finding ways to support them in healing themselves. I also model...I don't really do a whole lot when I'm sick, other than eat well, (try to) get rest, drink lots of water, etc. I didn't even take the pain meds after my appendectomy...Every time my kids have been sick, we've worked through it without seeing an MD or doing the antibiotics route (fever of 105, upper respiratory, flu, throw-up stuff, pink eye, ear infections...the whole nine.)
As far as the blood test goes, my dd wants to have nothing to do with needles...I don't either, so I can totally relate to that. For me, I would not force a procedure on my child, especially one that is invasive. I would work to find out what *all* of the options are...this may mean doing research...and involving my child in it all the way. I had the allergy issue with ds. We did see an MD, and did all sorts of really crazy testing (blood and patch) that I felt really awful about, and if I could go back would never do that again....at least, not with the MD. And after all that testing, he was no help. We went to an ND, and she did a completely non-invasive testing that actually helped so much. So looking back, if I knew then what I know now...I would have searched for a solution that worked for all of us. Our insurance didn't cover the visits, but it was so worth it for my kids to be comfortable with the person they saw, and with what the practitioner was doing.
If there's ever a broken arm or something like that...well, that's hypothetical, and I try not to go there, because it's hard to say what I would do. I would most certainly explain what happened, and what the choices are. There *are* choices....and the kids would need to know what the consequences would be. Whatever the situation, we would work through it, with me being totally sensitive to my kids needs and their own particular sensitivities.
I highly recommend "Take Charge of Your Child's Health" by George Wootan, MD., and several other books that will give you the information you need to support your child in healing himself....and also recommend seeking out all of the options....there are many.
I also recommend the book "The Tao of Motherhood" by Vimala McClure....it is filled with so much wisdom...I look at it many times during the day....helps me to focus on what is most important....
I hope this helps....I am happy to share as much as I can...it's neat to be in a space where I can share what I've learned...
:
. But, anyway, my concerns were more in the other direction. Like, what if they said that instead of garlic drops for an ear infection, they'd like to try antibiotics?! Or if they decided that they'd rather be vaccinated than risk getting pertussis? This may seem far-fetched, but this fall when many of their friends were getting flu shots, they were quite upset that I wouldn't let them get them. I feel like, at 5, they're simply too young to understand all of the ramifications of these decisions. I also chose to expose them to chicken pox when it was available to us this fall rather than wait and potentially risk them catching at an older and less ideal age (i.e. as teenagers). I didn't force them to expose themselves, but there was a bit of coercion (I certainly talked them into it). Perhaps being totally consensual in regards to health choices would be easier if we lived a more sheltered existence (i.e. if I were homeschooling and all of our friends were making the same health choices as we were), but since my kids are exposed to so many different ideas about how to approach health, I can't guarantee that they'd naturally follow in my footsteps.
) and working as best as I can to verbalise my sons side of the 'argument' (so to speak).
