She is very angry because Grandma is sick

[mommyof2kids]

I hope this goes here, as I have posted before my mom has breast cancer, she is on her 3rd chemo treatment, her hair is gone, and so is her energy, But Cathryn is very angry and not fully understanding why grandma is sick, I tried to explain it to her the best I could, she is used to being with my mom pretty much 7 days aweek, sleep over regular, lunch out and trips to Wal Mart and the Dollar Store, well we can't do that anymore, after my mom gets a treatment its almost 2 weeks before she is feeling ok, that leaves maybe 1 week, then its chemo again. well lately Cathryn is getting very angry, saying she doesn't want to see grandma cause grandma is sick, and when we go there, she gets angry cause grandma can't chase her around anymore, PJ is still to little to understand whats going on, but with Cathryn I am at a loss...

thanks for getting this far

[azdesertrn]

What a difficult situation for all of you.

My only advice would be to validate her feelings since you can't change the situation. Something along the lines of : "I hear how frustrated you are and its okay to be angry. I'm upset too. I wish there was something we could do to make Grandma feel better again." Sometimes it helps kids just to know you are listening and understand their feelings.

Maybe also bring over some games or new movies to watch, something your mom might have the energy to do with her that would be special together time for them.


Kaye

[detergentdiva]

I agree that it is very important to validate dd's feelings. Helping her to express them is also helpful.
Let her know that yes even though grandma is very sick right now, the medicine she is taking is making her better so she can hopefully do these things again with you (not sure how bad or what type of cancer).
If she is old enough, I would show her the value of journeling. Maybe she can't express all of her feelings to you but she can draw an ugly black scribbled picture to help get those feelings of anger out.
Also, doing something special for grandma. Drawing a picture, planning a special grandma and me party, low key, order pizza or something junky that ould make it special, ice cream sundaes. Grandma doesn't need energy for this, it is something she can easily do while sitting on the couch.
Let her know that although she can't chase her right now that things will soon be different and we just need to change our activites for a while.
Don't take her from grandma though. Although this is hard it is a valuable life lesson even for a small child and grandma needs the energy and love of a small child now more than ever.

[Mallory]

Although I think you are great to validate her feelings, I think the anger is not the key feeling here- it is covering up a lot of other feelings- pain or fear or insecurity (because her world has been so changed). I think these deeper feelings are the ones that need to get out.

Not that that is going to be easy, but I don't think this is a time that the frustration and anger are going to be easy for her to understand with out looking deeper. Anger is often disguising other emotions.

[cat_astrophe]

I am sorry to hear of this. My mom also has been battling breast cancer for many years now, and she has gone downhill rapidly recently. My 3yo ds doesn't really understand why Grandma is always sick, and he kept shying away from her. We had a long talk about compassion, and I explained to him that, sometimes other people just need some extra love and patience when they aren't feeling well, just like he does. We rented the Veggi Tales Jonah movie and that helped explain the idea of compassion. Now, he gets excited at the idea that we are going to see grandma so he can make her feel better. I don't know how old your daughter is, but maybe you could try this approach with her. Good luck, and I hope your mom gets to feeling better really soon. I agree, she needs her grandbabies around her right now. Their zest for life may just infect her.....

[Missgrl]

Moving this to Parenting Issues

[mommyof2kids]

tonight she is sleeping at grandma's, and my dad took her for ice cream, so I hope this will help, plus my mom is going to try to explain stuff to her, and then maybe we will be ok

[Jennifer Z]

Just thought I would mention this: When my grandpa went in for a heart bypass surgery when I was a kid (and the surgery was still in its infancy) I got my grandpa a bear "to help him feel better". He lived for another 18 years, in that time he and grandma moved out of the house into a assisted living apt. After he died grandma moved into the nursing home. When she died this spring, my mom gave me that bear back...they had carried it with them through every move and it made it in the small group of possesions that was taken into the nursing home. I was amazed and it made me feel so important that they treasured something from me so much. (I have around 20 cousins). Now, whenever I see the bear I remember how much they loved me, just like they looked at the bear and remembered how much I loved them. Maybe that would be an idea of something concrete your child could do to help grandma feel better.