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Everyone should follow Attachment Parenting - Page 2

post #21 of 47


I feel like writing a grade school essay "What AP Means to Me"...

What it really means to me is staying open and listening to my children (not limited to just what they say) and my gut tells me.
post #22 of 47
Who has that wonderful quote about mainstream kids with dead eyes? I think it's time to pull that one out!!
post #23 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
Since we're stating the obvious, I would like to point out that if you drop an apple, as a general rule it goes down.
Except in a wind tunnel.
post #24 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by chfriend View Post
Except in a wind tunnel.
That's because that wind tunnel wasn't gently born.
post #25 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisCountryGirl View Post
Babies deserve to be held as much as possible.
OP, i get what you are saying. i'm sorry some of these responses are so snarky. i know you were not intending for this to become a cruel outpouring of plain rudeness. i too believe that kids deserve to be held and loved as much as possible!
post #26 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
That's because that wind tunnel wasn't gently born.
laughup
post #27 of 47
I guess I don't get the point of this thread?

I could start one called "Everyone should have a pain-free birth" and say "Mothers deserve a comfortable birthing process", and I don't think it would go over terribly well.
post #28 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by heather8 View Post
I guess I don't get the point of this thread?
I thought it was to discuss how great we APer's are, and to talk about what those *OTHER* parents do.
You know...the MAINSTREAM parents.
post #29 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by angelpie545 View Post
Enter daughter number two. Right away, I could tell she was different. She was born screaming her head off, nursed like a champ right away(very hungrily I might add), and soiled two receiving blankets with poop before we even left the birthing center (I left about three hours after she was born). As she got older, she would cry if I held her for too long, and would kick and scream when we co-slept. Eventually out of desperation for some sleep, I set her gently in the crib which was set up in my room. She slept soundly, and I got some much needed rest. I didn't dare tell my AP friends, who would have surely launched into me about the dangers of crib sleeping for all infants, and how it should never be done. All I knew at the time was my daughter was sleeping better, and so was I. I still never let her scream, and was attentive to her when she needed me, but yet I was able to respect her need for space. My poor sling stayed hung up in the closet since dd#2 hated it and would much rather sit in the stroller. Again, I felt bad, but I knew in my heart that I was respecting her needs, so I went with it, even though I felt like I was betraying something. Dd#2 was never an unhappy, fussy baby. She was always happy, smiling, and cooing, and yet I still feel like was a failed AP mom, in some respects...but then I have to tell myself, I was going exactly what attachment parenting advocates: I was respecting the needs of my child.
I'm still pregnant so I'm not speaking about my own child, but you are totally describing my niece. My nephew loved to be held from birth--he was the most cuddly child in the world. My niece couldn't stand to be touched and would scream her head off if held longer than strictly necessary. Even now, as a teenager, she still has a much lower tolerance than normal for anyone having any kind of physical contact with her.

I'm hoping that I get a child who wants to be held because I would really like to be gung-ho about attachment parenting, but I don't believe that there is One True Way to do anything. I think that paying attention to what the baby wants is the most important thing.
post #30 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusBirthMama View Post
Ya know, and I realize this may be shocking, but there are good, kind, loving parents who don't practice AP. We do not have the market cornered on loving our kids.
So very true. Thanks for saying it
post #31 of 47
No. They shouldn't. All parents should be securely attached to their babies, and the babies should be securely attached to their parents. Attachment Parenting is a convenient label designed to get mothers to do what they're told, buy more books, and has no more benefit to society than Truby King. Think for yourself. Don't be a sheep.
post #32 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by chfriend View Post
Except in a wind tunnel.
That's because the wind-tunnel is dead inside.
post #33 of 47
A happy baby is a happy momma and if he likes to held then why not? Although even with the best slings/wraps some of us mere mortals had to put the child down down so the house wouldn't fall down around us.

anyway, I must admit I find the silly posts funny. I spent a lot of time thinking MDC mamas lost their sense of humour once their lotus birth placentas plopped out, glad I was wrong.
post #34 of 47

What really bugs me...

is the idea that babies whose parents do not follow Attachment Parenting rules are never held OR not held enough.

I know plenty of breastfed, even cloth diapered babies who do spend a lot of time in baby seats because their parents "don't want to spoil them"

I'm sure there are other groups who believe in the "don't spoil babies by holding them too much" idea. I know my mother does. <roll eyes> To be fair, it probably was what she was told when she had kids.

OTOH I've seen plenty of babies whose parents I'm positive have never heard of attachment parenting who are never put down. They may not be always held by the mother in a carrier but they are being held.

One thing I have seen is that there is a real backlash against the idea of attachment parenting among highly educated women. That would describe the first group of parents I described. Most woman on my college alumnae list think AP is a horrible conspiracy against woman-okay I'm exaggerating a bit there but there are many negative feelings. Yet these women as a rule breastfeed, practice gentle discipline (aside from sleep training) and try to provide organic food, etc.
post #35 of 47
Interesting thread, although I must say I'm a bit mystified as to how many snarky replies have been posted? Yes, babies do deserve to be held... if this is their need. For us, AP wasn't so much about holding DS all the time as it was following HIS cues for what HE needed. That said, we did hold him an awful lot! But...

It also meant that at times, he clearly preferred to be out of arms and able to see the world from HIS perspective. He loved to be held when it suited him (and still does but at 7 he's getting VERY heavy!), but there were times from early on (a few weeks, months) that he LOVED to sit in the bouncy seat (he loved it, and I make no apologies ) and see the "whole world" around him which at the time was me making dinner, or DH playing guitar, or watching the birds in the tree in our backyard. He also loved to roll around on a blanket with open books all around him, and gaze at the pictures...

It also means that he nursed until he was ready to stop, at 4 1/2. And that today at 7, he continues to sleep in our room (in his own bed now).

Ask any two AP families about how they practice AP, and you'll get two different answers. And then, AP families with multiple children have even more stories to tell... all people/children being individual that is.

As to everyone SHOULD follow AP? Well, I'd be lying if I didn't entertain this thought on occasion. It would be nice to know that all children were having the attachment needs met. OTOH, I can really get myself into trouble when I assume things about other parents. The fact is, there have been times out and about when I have probably appeared NOT AP to others. Case in point, I rarely wore DS in his sling. He just didn't prefer it. When he was babe, I took him into the grocery store in the carseat not unlike "the mainstream" mommies. And the APers might have thought 'hm...' OTOH, those APers were not in my home later when I was nursing my toddler and then young child, sleeping next to DS, and unfailingly responding to him when he needed me in any variety of ways.

Oh boy... I've edited my post and ended up rambling!

The best,
Em
post #36 of 47
Quote:
One thing I have seen is that there is a real backlash against the idea of attachment parenting among highly educated women. That would describe the first group of parents I described. Most woman on my college alumnae list think AP is a horrible conspiracy against woman-okay I'm exaggerating a bit there but there are many negative feelings. Yet these women as a rule breastfeed, practice gentle discipline (aside from sleep training) and try to provide organic food, etc.
This describes me, except I do hold the baby as much as I can. My parenting choices include EBF and babywearing and is child-centric. But I reject the AP label because of the gender implications - as well as the smugness I see coming out of many (certainly not all) AP disciples.

I do what works, I make thoughtful choices, I love my child. Just like parents from all walks of life.
post #37 of 47
if you had seen me when i had DS1 you would have thought i was a terrible mainstream mommy. we had very rough time BF due to illness at his birth. we were at a state hospital where i was not allowed to BF and i had trouble getting to see him. i was very broke and the doctors assumed i was a drug addict until i pressed them to do more tests and they figured out he was having a reaction to my PRESCRIPTION meds and nothing else was in my system. spare me the details of how YOU EBF your very ill sextuplets or how i should have sued or called the news. Loving parents do the best they can. My son did not want to be worn and after much trial and error i found he wanted to be heled when he wanted it and at other times he perfired a swing or his own bed near mine and nothing covering his toes. he did not want an attached parent. he wanted a responsive, respectful parent.

good parents create a balance between their children's needs and their own. they make sure that their children never feel abandoned and yet, have the freedom to explore. some people cannot or simply do not want to wear a baby and some babys don't enjoy it either. The best thing Dr Sears ever said about parenting was " if you resent it, CHANGE IT" it's OK to tell your todler that the nursies go to sleep at night. it's ok to do what you need to do in order to stay sane. different people have different tolerances for physical touch and talking with others. family is about respecting everyone's needs and finding ways to keep all healthy and growing. according to hoyle AP might not be the best way to do that for many people.

i hear so much about the negatives of mainstream parenting (of which there are many) but i never hear anything about the realistic negatives of AP (of which there are also many). life comes down to risk management. i think that people have to respect that thoughtful parents look at the pros and cons of each option and choose a set of risks and consequences with which they feel comfortable.

i do think that all people ought to LISTEN to their babies though, and try to exercise a little empathy.
post #38 of 47
My oldest HATED to be held more than necessary. At night, I would nurse her. I would sit and try to rock her. She screamed. She screamed loudly and without ceasing. I put her down. She stopped screaming and went right to bed. Go figure.
post #39 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by thebarkingbird View Post
The best thing Dr Sears ever said about parenting was " if you resent it, CHANGE IT"
And wasn't it Dr. Sears who actually coined the term "Attachment Parenting?" If the "AP guru" says it's okay to do the various things some of you are talking about -- then could it be that you're not departing from AP when you lay down a baby who doesn't like to be touched when she's falling asleep, and so on?

I mean, I think a lot of the AP generalities are based on what most babies are like. It's hard for me, personally, to wrap my mind around the idea of a baby being laid down, wide awake, in a crib, left alone, and contentedly falling asleep without crying. However, years ago, I visited my brother and saw for myself that my nephew was one such baby.

I actually think that both my brother's children were like this -- because years later, when I became a mom myself, my brother expressed the opinion that I was "creating" a more high-needs child by always holding and interacting with her.

In all my years of providing child-care, followed by this past 8 years of raising my own 2 children, I've never encountered another baby like my nephew. The other babies (including my own) have all preferred to have human contact while falling asleep, and have enjoyed being held and carried around.

But I know that the other kinds of babies exist, because I saw my nephew -- and my mom also describes my brother as being a baby that didn't like to be held, one who was quick to wriggle to the floor and start moving himself around, and getting to where he wanted to go without assistance.

So, while I think the "don't-touch-me" babies are a minority, they do exist, and we should all be more supportive, and acknowledge and accept the differences in children. We shouldn't just assume, when encountering/hearing of a child who diverges from "the norm," or from our own experience of children, that that child's parents must not have been practicing AP.
post #40 of 47
Well.....

I never considered myself an AP parent - and look! They made me a GA!

There are many paths and not all of them fall into neat categories with proper names.

peace
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