Those of you having a hospital birth ? about visitors...

[cj'smommy]

do you expect people to come visit you while you're there?

The reason I ask is that I'm in the dog house because my SIL (DH's sister) had her baby on Friday and we didn't visit her, she's going home tomorrow.

We went through this when she had her twins. We had to go and we had to bring the boys even though they couldn't visit and had to stay in the lobby. It was a zoo, people were constantly in and out, it was noisy and pretty much chaos. I didn't get to see my neice at all and my nephew was in the NICU though I did get to see him for about 2 minutes. My SIL couldn't handle it all and said everyone had to leave. Completely understandable, I didn't blame her at all because it was driving me crazy!

My nephew had craniostenosis (the sutures in his forehead were fused together) and at 3 months had surgery to correct it. Once again we were told in no uncertain terms that we must visit and once again it was a complete zoo. It took us 2 hours to get there in traffic, we got in the room, SIL got overwhelmed and made us all leave. I never got to see my nephew, we were there for all of 5 minutes. I honestly don't understand why she had us all come anyway, the last thing the poor baby needed was noise and chaos and that's what he got. He had brain surgery for heavens sake! The nurses told her this, but she still insisted we be at the hospital.

Both times we were told when to visit, and that she expected us to be there when she told us to.

So....this time she said she didn't want all the craziness. That made me pretty happy because the other two times it just stressed her out way too much. Last week my MIL also said she didn't want any visitors this time, so DH and I figured we'd wait until she got home. That way we could bring the boys, know we'd get to see the baby and also the twins (who just turned 13 months). We don't see them often at all, so this seemed like a good solution. Well...she chewed him out on Sunday because "when people have babies that's what you do" But why do it when it drives the recovering momma crazy and/or it isn't good for the baby?!!?

Call me crazy, but I just don't understand the rush to visit.

I know that some people enjoy all the company and visitors and that's fine. If it seemed like my SIL was that way, I would probably understand but she's not. People come and visit, she gets upset. We don't visit and she gets upset.

My SIL and I are about as different as different can be in every way possilbe. I don't expect people to visit me in the hospital, in fact I'd prefer they didn't. I don't feel that you have to see the baby right away. I also don't feel that if you don't come right away - you don't care. Evidentally she does.

Does anyone else expect visitors like this? I'm not saying it's wrong at all, I'm just trying to understand her thinking on this.

[cj'smommy]

Oops, since I sounded a bit calous I should clarify some things!

I completely understand the fact that she was overwhelmed in both situations, I would be too! And I'm not upset at all that she asked us to leave, in fact I'm glad she did instead of letting the chaos go on and be even more miserable.

What I'm trying to understand is the urge to have people visit/have to be at the hospital. Especially when it doesn't make a mama happy?

Does that make more sense?

[merry-mary]

I didn't care much either way. It was nice receiving visitors but I certainly didn't *expect* people to come. Our families came as did one of my friends.

It sounds like your SIL is expecting too much for a visit IMO. It would be much nicer of a visit (for everyone involved) at home vs. a hospital. I can understand if she were there for over a week or something, but a few days? Nah. She's being unreasonable.

[snazzy_mom]

It doesn't bother me but I also ask that no one, other than my mom and dad come on the day that the baby is born and I definitely don't request that anyone come at all. If they do, I also expect a short visit and I also hope they don't expect to hold the baby. I don't like the idea of passing around the baby just because everyone wants to hold him.

It does sound like your SIL is being unreasonable, especially in your case. You're not too far off from delivering yourself and a 2 hour drive isn't something that you should be doing at this stage in the game if you can avoid it. I'd tell her flat out, the last few times we came, you made it clear that it was stressful on you and we didn't want to add to that so we opted to wait.

[Nate'sMama]

I don't request that anyone come at all. I do expect that my rents and the IL's want to come to see the baby as soon as they're born. I do not expect anyone else to want to come or to be there period. It would stress me out a bit to have a constant flow of visitors. I prefer that people wait until I get home.

I will say there is a tiny part of me that expects my sister to be there. She's close so it's easy.

I would tell her the same the the PP said. We would love to come, but it seemed to stress you out last time. We thought we were being more helpful this way etc... Is your MIL fueling the fire?

[cj'smommy]

Originally Posted by merry-mary

I didn't care much either way. It was nice receiving visitors but I certainly didn't *expect* people to come. Our families came as did one of my friends.

It sounds like your SIL is expecting too much for a visit IMO. It would be much nicer of a visit (for everyone involved) at home vs. a hospital. I can understand if she were there for over a week or something, but a few days? Nah. She's being unreasonable.

Originally Posted by snazzy_mom

It doesn't bother me but I also ask that no one, other than my mom and dad come on the day that the baby is born and I definitely don't request that anyone come at all. If they do, I also expect a short visit and I also hope they don't expect to hold the baby. I don't like the idea of passing around the baby just because everyone wants to hold him.

It does sound like your SIL is being unreasonable, especially in your case. You're not too far off from delivering yourself and a 2 hour drive isn't something that you should be doing at this stage in the game if you can avoid it. I'd tell her flat out, the last few times we came, you made it clear that it was stressful on you and we didn't want to add to that so we opted to wait.

In all honesty, my SIL is usually unreasonable but I wasn't sure if that was just my take on this or not. I really hate not to be understanding so I try and look at things from every angle.

My MIL pretty much told her our reasons for delaying our visit - that we didn't want to over stress her and that we really would rather visit as a family and have some quality time with all of them verses a few minutes. I've told her the same thing as well. Neither of us mentioned that yes, it's a bit hard on me right now too. No matter what we tell her she's po'd that we weren't there at the hospital as soon as possible.

None of my friends were like this either, in fact some of them specifically said 'no visitors' so I wasn't sure if I'm in some kind of odd bubble wtih the whole visiting thing or not.

[cj'smommy]

Originally Posted by Nate'sMama

I don't request that anyone come at all. I do expect that my rents and the IL's want to come to see the baby as soon as they're born. I do not expect anyone else to want to come or to be there period. It would stress me out a bit to have a constant flow of visitors. I prefer that people wait until I get home.

I will say there is a tiny part of me that expects my sister to be there. She's close so it's easy.

I would tell her the same the the PP said. We would love to come, but it seemed to stress you out last time. We thought we were being more helpful this way etc... Is your MIL fueling the fire?

Yes, parents and inlaws to me are different. Every friend and family member possible is what is making me wonder.

I can see her expecting my DH (her brother) as well, but with the past history we've had with that I really wonder why.

My MIL drives me nuts sometimes, she did tell me SIL requested no visitors this time (though the zoo came once again and one of them was sick!) but tells my SIL she never said that.

[Michelle Renee]

Its a total zoo - hubbie is from a big LARGE LOVING LOUD family, I am only child my mom is extremely needy/martyrish and feels left out and my father shows up with a token bimbo on special occasions only and has no boundaries at all and I could care if I ever see him.

I kinda wish people would love us alone but I get used to it and smile and nod and hope that someone has patience and help handle my mom.

ANd it keeps going on for days.. but well. Its family. And when crap hits the fan here in anyway - my mom or his parents are always here for us so I shoulndt complain.

[kwilki8]

I really don't understand being upset because someone did not come to visit me in the hospital. But that's probably because I would rather no one visit me. When I need help with everything, am fumbling with breastfeeding, am wearing only a hospital gown with mesh undies and a giant pad, and am dealing with a near constant flow of nurses and doctors who want to know all the gory details of how I'm feeling, eating, drinking, and voiding, I really don't want an audience. But I'm a very modest and private person. It really took a lot for me to let dh help me to the bathroom when I was in the hospital. And even though I wasn't as incapacitated after my vaginal birth as I was this time, I still was exhausted and didn't want to be figuring out how to breastfeed in front of my FIL.

I'm sorry you're getting chewed out for trying to be considerate.

[Galatea]

Totally on her. You did the right thing, and handled it properly by explaining. You have to let go of her immature response. I'm sure she would find a way to think what she wants, anyway.

FWIW, we only let our parents and dh's brothers come to the hospital and I agree with kwilki - I don't want people seeing me in a hospital johnny and mesh underwear and expecting to put their diseased fingers all over my newborn!

[Breeder]

I totally don't want any visitors, after DS's birth my DH and I just wanted everyone to stop snapping pictures every four seconds and to come back once we had had some time alone as a family.

Argh.

[cj'smommy]

Thanks everyone for your responses, it's made me feel a lot better. I've been beating myself up all day about it because I feel bad. DH doesn't feel bad at all, he says his sister is always like this and he's just learned to let it roll of his back or it would drive him crazy.

Galatea - you are right, she would. I've learned over the years that it's almost one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" things with her. I still don't like to hurt her feelings though.

Michelle Renee -

kwilki8 - I'm that way too, having people see me peeking out of my hospital gown is not my idea of a good time!

[marlee]

I'd prefer not to have anyone. I did have 2 visitors with dd. My Granny, which I was so pleased to be able to tell her in person that we named dd after her. Her visit was with me sitting up in bed with a electric breast pump on both breasts. Then mil came with a friend a few days later and the visit was terrible timing (dd just got out of NICU) My mom was there as a support person to both of us the whole week and my dad was in and out but I don't consider them visitors. We were there for a week. When people were called about baby being born dh and my mom requested no vistor's please. The only good thing about a hospitable visit is they are usually short. Way shorter than if they come to your house DD and I had a very stressful birth, so maybe if everything went smoothly I would feel differently.

I am also big on day time naps and HATE it when I don't get my rest because of someone's bad timing or not calling ahead.

[Luv2Skydive]

If she's going to get ticked either way, I would not waste my time, effort, and GAS (especially these days!). You may not even get to really see the baby. I'd just wait until you can meet at her house when she's settled. I understand her getting caught up in how she *thinks* it should be and maybe you can show her there is another way to do things that is less stressful and she *might* appreciate it in the end. Maybe bring her some food or something that she needs when you visit to be nice as well?

[amyaebi]

What about a phone call?

I absolutely HATE visitors -- at the hospital or at home -- for the first couple weeks. It seems like it is always bad timing. But I never mind a phone call to check in on things or to ask when they could come visit. This gives me the option of letting it ring (usually I turn my phone off and check messages) or picking up if I feel up to talking.

I think you absolutely did the right thing, based on the information you had. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that someone would want a million visitors right after they have a baby. I would be grateful that people decided to let me rest.

Amy

[joyfilledmomma]

I'll be home about 10 hours after this lo is born since I'm having a birth center birth, but I actually don't want any visitors after this birth because of how exhausted I got trying to entertain people after dd's birth, but I understand that certain people, fil & wife, sil, and my brother will want to come see the baby. (I don't count my parents as visitors because they will be caring for dd, and in good part for dh & I as far as food, etc goes, so they are more like support people.)

If I were your sil I certainly would not expect you to travel 2 hours to see baby for only a few minutes. Fil and sil live 2 1/2 hours away and I feel bad that they won't have a longer visit with us if they choose to come just days after the baby is born, but I just can't do the constant sitting, talking, nap skipping that I did with dd. They like to shop, so I'm hoping they'll take some time to do that while they're out here or maybe to visit with dd at a park or something, but again, it will be their choice to come so soon after baby is born. I'm sorry that your sil gave dh such a hard time...it's always amazing to me how different people are about what they want after birth.