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ANYONE else hate parenting? - Page 2

post #21 of 224
I will disagree with everyone else who said that this isn't normal. It was normal for me and I did not have ppd. I was just an isolated first time mother who had a baby that cried 22 hours a day. Things got better when I dove into trying to figure out why.

It is normal sometimes, it could be ppd or it could not be.

I was angry and resentful. I didn't like being the parent of a baby that couldn't communicate with me in any other way than the way a baby can. I was still a good mother and did everything I was supposed to but man, the baby stage was overrated for me.

Quote:
I just can't even imagine having to go through this h*ll again. And yet all of you people keep wanting kids!!
I used to joke that anyone with more than one had to have been tricked. I have two now.

It will get better. If it doesn't ease up with you guys settling into a routine, then think about getting some outside assistance. My best advice for you is to leave the damned house. Just because your child is an infant doesn't mean you can't go to a playground and sit for a long time. Other mother's there of older children would salivate at a chance to hold your baby for you and give you a break.
post #22 of 224
My babes were newborns when the Abu Ghraib (Iraqi POW) scandal first came out. And I remember thinking, where's the Geneva Convention for moms? Seriously, newborns can be like freaking torture.

Sleep deprivation? Duh.

Regular meals? are you kidding.

Access to medical care? Only after a long and painful drive to the drs.

No physical or mental torture? Well, non stop crying babies can be considered torture.

So, in my experience, what you are going through is Totally Normal.

But, please get as much help as you can. Good, nonjudgmental friends & family are essential during this time. And it really, really does get better .
post #23 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I actually think it's outside the realm of normal. I know you dont' want to talk about PPD, but I think something is going on.
I agree. Please, for your babies sake, and your sake, get some help.


and maybe this is not what you want to hear at all but.... whenever I am at my wits end, DS crying and carrying on, I tell myself that I am lucky to be able to hear my son cry. I have a couple people in my life that have lost babies-stillborn and/or miscarriage-and honestly when I'm feeling the most impatient and negative, I think that even though it feels like he's never going to calm down and I'm about to freak out, I get so see my son cry and I get to hold him and I'll get to hold him the next day too. It really puts me in a different state of mind, savoring those tears, rather than fighting them.
post #24 of 224
on my worst days in the last 9 months, i've felt like you feel. i don't know if it's normal or not. it might just be more honest than other people allow themselves to feel.

i will tell you that every time i've ever felt like this, it's when i've gotten *worse* sleep than even an average night. sleep deprivation is crazy. it brings my tolerance for stress to zero. i won't say you don't have PPD, but for myself, i've concluded it's sleep deprivation. (which could probably turn into or aggravate depression after awhile).

i wish i would've actually taken my own advice, but my suggestion is to do whatever you need to do to get a full night's sleep without baby around every once in awhile. call in family, get your hubby some support if needed. anything so you don't have to be the one doing it for just one night and maybe you'll get more than a couple hours of sleep in a row. i still haven't done this...but i plan on it.

there *is* some light at the end of the tunnel. 3 months was hard. our son was fussy, worst at night. has always slept like absolute crap, regardless of where he sleeps, if he's cosleeping or not. by 4 months he got less fussy though. and then at like 5 months he could sit up on his own and he got happier. then crawling, he got happier.

basically, all the fussiness is gone, but the sleep is still not going well. but i am a lot less stressed than i was a few months ago.
post #25 of 224


Good for you for having the guts to be that honest. I love these boards, but sometimes people are so busy judging they forget that there's a flesh and blood, sometimes desperate woman at the other end. I had all the books, and all the plans, and then my baby showed up and she wasn't having any of it. She cried as much, if not more, when being held as when not being held, and cried even more with Mommy than anyone else (I was told, and it made sense, that the baby could sense my tension). So sometimes, I put her down and I let her cry. It's not something I thought I would do, and it was not part of the plan, but I honestly believe it has worked out better for all of us. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but I do think you should talk to someone, find a doctor that you like, until things get better, which, I swear to god, they will.
post #26 of 224
I have to also agree that this sounds like PPD, even if it's not something you want to hear. I went through it twice myself, and a lot of what you said could have directly come out of my mouth while I was going through PPD.

Even if it's not PPD I can absolutely empathize with you and I ache for you. I've been in that dark place and it's terrible. Let us know how we can help, if there is anything. And I would certainly suggest asking for help from others (it sounds like your sweet dh is doing great). Maybe a family member? Neighbor? Friend?

You'll get through this rough place.
post #27 of 224
Mama, I just read one of your other posts and see that you had a traumatic birth experience and your baby almost ended up with major surgery We had a CVICU stay with DS2 and he had heart surgery for a heart defect. I dealt with a lot of post-traumatic stress for the first few months after he came home. It is very possible that you are dealing with it too.

I think the most important question you need to ask yourself is if you feel like this everyday or just on the really bad days. If it is only once in a while then that is ok, but if it is more often then not then something has to change. You cannot continue feeling like this every single day, it is not good for you or your family. So if these feelings are common then please find some way to make changes that will make you feel better.
post #28 of 224
i'd say this is pretty normal... it was for me at least. dd was a premie and i didn't hold her for 24 hours after she was born. we didn't bond for a really long time. she would cry and i would do my best to comfort her, but when it seemed like she was doing it just to push my buttons, i would put her down for a while. she's almost four now, and we still butt heads alot, she gets on my nerves, but i love her. dh is closer to her than i am, but i've come to accept that there's nothing wrong with that. i just had my ds, and we bonded INSTANTLY. i had the perfect homebirth i always wanted with him, i was excited about being pregnant, i was more ready to be a mama, etc. etc. it made a world of difference.

the first six months with dd was a b*tch. hang in there mama.
post #29 of 224
First of all I want to give you a And let you know that you are not alone a few weeks ago I was there along side you. Just really angry especially at my children. Then one day I just started crying and I couldn't stop. Finally my DH said "Pam, you have PPD we are going to the dr, getting you some help right now". He dragged me kicking and screaming and I was diagnosed with PPD. I must admit I'm still very ashamed to admit that I do have ppd, but I'm no longer angry and frustrated.
So I'm sorry to mention this to you, but I really think that it is time for you to look at the possibility that it is ppd.
post #30 of 224
If you're feeling like you're in hell and wanting to hit your baby every day or most days or many times during the day, no it isn't normal. If it's a fleeting thought that you might get during a particularly long crying spell, it might be normal. Extreme stress and major changes like becoming a parent, especially to a colicky baby, can precipitate depression.

Having a miserable mom doesn't benefit a child. Your feelings do matter, for your sake and your baby's. Improving your mental health will benefit your baby and make it easier for you to be the kind of parent you want to be.
post #31 of 224
Without reading replies... I hated the newborn phase with my son. I adore him but not his personality. I still don't get a lot of enjoyment out of him. Not even his patient grandmothers, or DH. He is one tough, needy babe.

My DD is completely the opposite of him. She is sweet and mellow and I enjoy her every minute of every day.

Some baby-mama dyads just "fit" better. Some babes are just hard on anyone. Daycare providers or not. It's the luck of the draw, really. I got a lot of my self-esteem back when DD was born. It wasn't just me who was miserable and incapable of dealing with babies. It was him. It made me bond with him a bit more, ironically. I feel sorry that life is so hard for the little critter. You're a great mama already. Don't be so hard on yourself. Make time for yourself and repeat after me: "It's my job to provide him with food, shelter, protection, and guidance, and the opportunity for him to be happy. It is NOT my job to MAKE him happy. That's his job."

post #32 of 224
Oh mama. That hurts to read about, because after my 2nd child I could have written much of what you wrote.

I know you said you don't want to talk about it, and normally I would respect that, but I can't just not say anything here. I did have severe horrible PPD. I mean, it was really bad. The only things I remember about his first year is crying, feeling trapped and helpless, panicking, desperate.

I don't have those good memories of his babyhood like I do with my oldest. I don't remember any of it. I only remember anger, and panic, feeling like I was drowning.
I had a hell of a time bonding with him, I was so angry even immediately after his birth, that I wasn't interested in holding him much, I just wanted to shower and deal with being pissed about how much he hurt me in giving birth.

Mama, you are SO awesome for posting here. Really.
PLEASE put your baby down when you need to and walk away. Go outside. Take deep breaths. She'll live. She'll be there when you get back. YOU need to take care of you first and foremost before you can take care of her.

Please consider going to see someone, it's an amazing realization that you DON'T have to feel this way, at least it was for me when I found a good pdoc and got treatment.

I'm thinking of you.
post #33 of 224
Put me down as voting for "normal - mostly" and "throw away the books."

I say normal because I felt EXACTLY like that for several weeks. I was not the slightest bit depressed or hormonal. The first few weeks, especially if you're breastfeeding, are horrific for some of us. This little stranger, who is not the slightest bit interested in you, let alone your needs, demands all of your time and attention. There are no patterns, the cries don't sound that different, and what works on Tuesday fails on Wednesday. Personally, I couldn't shake the thought that except for the breastfeeding, absolutely everything else was the worst kind of menial labor I could hire out at minimum wage, and the breastfeeding wasn't at all fun. I had/have a career with a lot of respect and power, and the newborn experience turned my world upside down and pooped on it.

Hell, for that matter, I turned into the sort of person who said poop instead of the usual word for that substance!

I cried over being the sort of heartless monster who wasn't madly in love with a very much wanted baby. I cried to my friends about being a horrible mother. I both felt like my baby deserved better, and at the same time thought that my baby would have it so much worse in a household that didn't believe in picking him up every time he cried and dammit, I wanted someone to appreciate that. My husband did more than his share, and is the best partner ever, but he couldn't solve this for me.

For what it's worth, I, a total stranger, appreciates the hell out of what you're doing. It is damn hard.

I will also say that I felt 100% better a few weeks after I threw out my books (literally, I did not take them with me when I moved). Also, when my son started reacting to things I did, my instincts took a major leap forward - what I'm doing is still a lot of menial labor, but I found there are now joys I didn't get with a new new baby. Breastfeeding still isn't my idea of a good time, but it's effortless now... and he smiles at me most sessions

Finally, knowing that this is my one and only child has helped me to enjoy the good moments a lot more - make the decision that this is your only child and you must savor him as such. Even if you change your mind someday, the decision might help you be at peace.

I am not an AP mom, I am not a mainstream mom, but I am a great mom anyway. So are you. Get someone to come in and hold the baby for a few hours, bringing him to you only for feedings (you go to him whenever you want), and find yourself again. You will be okay.

My two cents. Well, three, given how long this was... you just hit a recent nerve for me! Please feel free to PM.
post #34 of 224
Also, I want to say that, yeah, every new mom has those times, maybe even a few weeks of thinking about how hard it is. It can be a normal thing.

BUT your baby is 4 months old, and if you still feel this way all of the time and it's been this way, that is outside the realm of normal.

post #35 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by RaeAnne View Post
But I'm so SICK of this. All this feminist self esteem crap just does NOT seem to apply if you're trying to do AP parenting. My feelings do NOT matter.
I agree with you here-- I think in some situations, for some moms, AP done to the extreme turns into a (self) abusive situation for the mother. I had to learn where to draw the line some years ago, for my own safety and sanity. I do as much as I can AP-wise but I have learned to recognize my limits and I respect them, for the most part.
post #36 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by RaeAnne View Post
Does anyone else wonder if they should have had their baby in the first place? People say it gets better, but it's not really happening yet. Then there are the people with older children who say babies are so great, and so much easier,

RaeAnne,

I agree that what you're feeling could well be a normal reaction to what sounds like a colicky infant.

I'm not saying its not PPD -- although I think what would have been mild baby blues in a woman can be made much worse by a colicky infant, too.

Neither of mine were colicky, but one of my friend's was, and it is so hard, and so torturous, and it os SO SO EASY for people whose babies were NOT colicky to brush you off, make you feel like the worst mother in the world. And honestly, its worse in AP circles, because so many people buy into the "If you hold them all the time and wear them and cosleep and nurse your baby will be perfect and will never cry."

Newsflash: That's not true.

The one thing I remember from my friend's bout with a colicky baby? Get help. Get time for yourself. There is no shame in saying you need to get away, you need time when you can hear yourself think. Ask a friend to come walk her for an hour between feedings. Find a young mother's helper who can give you a hand. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking if you let someone else hold her for an hour or two so that you can clear your head that you're doing irreparable damage.
post #37 of 224
I have had those days too. And my son isn't colicky. We sometimes have to sit down and discuss putting him up on freecycle, or selling him to a circus (discounts for touring circuses that only come to town every five years or so).

Sleep deprivation is torture. Hungry people are cranky people. Martyrs are crappy caregivers.

Someone upthread suggested that you toss the books out, and I agree. Pitch 'em. If you must have books, I suggest Anne Lammott's "Operating Instructions", which won't give you much in the way of advice, and contains some reassuring revelations from an apparantly very good mother concerning her desire to fire the baby. Don't read things that make you feel bad.

AP is not the only way to parent. It is, in fact, highly historically unusual. Even in cultures where babywearing and on-demand nursing are standard, they don't carry it to the extreme that the AP books suggest. Also, I agree, you cannot prevent your child from ever crying.

You need help, honey, and you need it in the worst way. Find someone to watch the baby for an hour or so so you can go for a walk. Or find someone to take the baby for a walk for an hour or two so you can take a nap. Ideally, both.
post #38 of 224
Yes, its totally normal!

For people with PPD. Get some help. Its not normal to feel this way and not have something wrong, sorry.

And P.S- I have moments every day where I want to run away, and I am bad at AP'ing, I actually dont consider myself an AP in many ways, and sometimes when all the kids are screaming I want to scream for them all to go away. But long term, all day long resentment and dislike like that is different. JMVHO.
post #39 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I actually think it's outside the realm of normal. I know you dont' want to talk about PPD, but I think something is going on.
:
post #40 of 224
I only wanted to add one thing - have you made sure that there's no other reason that your little one is crying all the time? My son had pretty bad reflux, and I remember feeling exactly the same way when he just never, ever stopped crying. Well, he was basically vomiting into his mouth and reswallowing it all the time (so we didn't usually seem him throw up, so it took us awhile to catch it). He was medicated for it, and once he was no longer in constant pain, he turned into the pretty easy-going guy he's been since then. He only needed the medicine for a couple of months, and I don't regret it a bit. Definitely may not be the same situation for you, but I wanted to mention it because you talk about your little one being so colicky. I also eventually found that wearing him a lot helped keep him happy, but I suspect you have already tried that.
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