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ANYONE else hate parenting? - Page 3

post #41 of 224
I just wanted to add something to the OP'er. Have you embraced that you are a mom yet? I know this can take a while, but you need to. Check out your baby for other possibilities for the crying like health issues........if everything is okay, which I hope it is, then you need to accept this. It will get better, but every stage of parenting has sucky parts. Your life has changed forever, it will never go back to what it was, so accepting this can make a huge difference. There is so much anger in you that I can see from your post. I'm glad you felt comfortable putting those things in it, but I will be brutally honest: if you don't get help, it will only get worse. Your baby needs you, so do what you have to so you can feel better about this, they pick up on your mood, she may be reading you, and be getting upset. I'm not saying this to hurt you........but how can you deny PPD as an issue?
post #42 of 224
I just wanted to come back to add that you DO matter. Your feelings matter, your stress matters, your sleep matters, your hunger and thirst matters.

I have days where I feel like I'm nothing, just big boobs to feed with. Like I don't matter, like I'm not important, like I've given up on my dreams. But those days go away and eventually motherhood doesn't seem like a burden, but a gift.
post #43 of 224
I didn't enjoy my dd as a baby. I will leave it at that. But I was still AP. I just adore her since she turned 2. Parenting is so great once they hit 2 imo. I now have another baby, but he isn't quite as difficult as my first so I don't mind it as much. But I do look forward to when he can walk and talk and that kind of stuff. I don't like to need to walk around holding a baby when I am tired or my arms/back hurt from doing it for so many hours. Yes, my toddler tells me no and runs away, there are tantrums, but it is so much better than when they are helpless and rely on you for every. little. thing. I am loving toddlerhood. I hope that you have the same feelings as I do. Some peoples don't like babies. Thats ok. Some people don't like toddlers, some don't like school age, some don't like teens or the elderly. I have difficulty with babies. But the rest are a lot of fun imo. Every age has its difficulties, I feel babies are difficult, especially if you have a colicy and high needs baby like my dd was. I hope parenting gets better for you as your baby gets older.

I do things a bit different with this baby. With my dd, I never let her cry for anything and I burnt out. With this one I will let him cry while I eat, drink, pee/poo, or shower. (I offer to nurse first and make sure his diaper is clean and dry) To me, those are needs and if I don't have those needs met I am not a good mom. If your physical needs aren't met you will be miserable. Maybe its not fully AP that I let my baby cry while I get a drink, but it keeps me from resenting my baby.
post #44 of 224
I'm so sorry, that just sucks.

And I think that I understand. When DD was a month old I remember the women at the vet cooing over DD and I just looked at them unsmiling and said "you need to think really, really hard before you do this. It is much harder than you think it is". And I knew that they just looked at me and thought that I had PPD but I knew I didn't, my DD was just a whole heck of a lot more work than most LO's.

My DD was very high need and your LO sure sounds that way too. It is a lot more difficult for parents of high need babies, and other parents just don't get it.

A friend said something that helped me. She said that she believed that we are given the children that we are capable of parenting and that she was amazed at what I was doing. I think that you are right there too RaeAnne. You are working much harder than most parents will ever have to.

Before we left the hospital one of the nurses told me that babies who cried like my LO used to be flagged for potential abuse. It's an odd thing to say to a new mother but I found it helpful to realize that I was dealing with a situation that most parents found extremely challenging.

I don't know if it'll help you but I found that it was really difficult to be sympathetic to my 1st DD when she was shrieking like a steamwhistle in my ear so I used earplugs.

I also found that I could do better with one 3 hour block of sleep at the beginning of the night. So at about 7pm I handed DD to DH after I fed her and said OK, I'm going to bed, PLEASE do not wake me for 3 hours. DD was often unhappy about it but she had her Daddy to hold her and I was a much more friendly mama after I had that initial 3 hours.

I hope that things are going better.
post #45 of 224
Oh momma, I identify with you and I don't think I have PPD, I just haven't slept in forever.

And last night I about lost it because the baby was sleeping good (two nights in a row) and then I realized I left the slow cooker on all night until it started to smell and burn. Only cooked the roast an extra 10 hours. So we had some hullaboo aroudn that.

Then the police knocked on our door. DH had left the siphon in the gas tank and they wanted to be sure someone wasn't stealing our gas.

No, just sleep deprived parents who are lucky they haven't set the house and cars on fire yet.

They woke DD up and she was PISSED from 3-6 when she finally slept...for a 1/2 hour.:

The thing that makes me so mad is that we could be having such a good time if I was well rested. My DD is adorable and so cute, but I don't have the energy! I'm exhausted and I need to rest and I can't because it's either her having a bad night (and she's a horrid napper so I never get a break) or something else. I've had a stress cold for three weeks, my asthma is flaring up and my eyes have been bloodshot for three months.

And the boob thing isn't working for us at all. We are on week three of a nursing/teething strike and all DD does is bite me. My milk is drying up.

I don't think you have to have PPD to be miserable.

Tomorrow DH is taking some time off and hopefully I'll get a nap in. I'm past the point where a good night's sleep will help, I need serious sleep if I'm going to be able to function normally. After that I think I'm going to have to hire a sitter.

With sleep all things are possible.

V
post #46 of 224
Ohh my...I can't even imagine how you feel, and I am so sorry that you are feeling this way...I'm also glad you were able to write about it and seek some advice, it looks like you have already been given alot to think about...

I don't have a clue if you have PPD or not, but it sounds like you could use some help either way...could you talk with your dr or mw to see if they have any resources in your area for new parents? Maybe a support group, counselors with experience in pregnancy/baby related problems? While you really may not have PPD, you may find some helpful advice from talking with someone in person who can give you some ideas on how to avoid feeling the way you do now...It might feel good to have someone else watch your baby for a little while, while you go out by yourself...especially if you would be out learning things to try to improve your situation...

For some this may be normal, for others it may not be...but it is not good to feel this way every day, and I think getting some help is the first step in getting you to feel better...normal/abnormal for anyone else doesn't really seem to matter...

If you have any friends or family around, you may consider asking them to help you for a little while...it might do you alot of good to be able to do a few things in your day without hearing your baby cry...that would be difficult for any of us...if you can get someone to stay with your baby...something as simple as going for a walk alone can help get you through the day...would your baby ride in a stroller or a car without crying? If so, I would certainly try taking her for a walk or a car ride...

I hope you are able to feel better soon...
post #47 of 224


I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, my dd was born via ceserean after a failed natural birth. I then discovered after over a month of nursing almost 24/7 (literally!) that I had IGT and was unable to make enough milk.

I hated being a mom, I had days that I had to call my hubby home from work because I couldn't bear to touch my daughter. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I did end up going on antidepressants and they made a world of difference for me, I was able to start functioning and get out of bed and I wasn't cowering in the corner with my ears covered everytime she cried. It did take me a long time to bond with her and I didn't even "like" her until she was closer to 6 months old. I missed out on the newborn/baby stage with her and I regret it.

If you have family or friends that can give you a few hours off, take it! Brainstorm to find out what you can do to make things better, do you need to have your bed to yourself, would pumping and bottlefeeding be better? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but these are precious times with your little one.

Best of luck to you
post #48 of 224
I think you ought to get both yourself and your DD checked out medically. Most babes aren't going to cry like you are discribing without there being something going on, keeping in mind that she may very well be picking up on your disease and discomfort.

I had PPD with my 2nd DD, I remember both DD's crying and me not knowing what to do and sitting them both in the living room screaming at them to shut up and then hiding in my room. I called my Dr that day, he diagnosed PPD and put my on Zoloft. I have to say it made huge difference, I felt so much better, I started getting the girls out of the house. They were happier, I was happier, my marriage improved, and I lost 40 pounds! I was only on it about 9 months, weened off and haven't needed it again.

Please, please get some help. If you think you are going to hurt your DD you really need to get some help.
post #49 of 224
It's okay to rant, get it out, here is as good a place as any.

I searched your posts and see that you had a traumatic birth. Yes, it was traumatic, no it's not what you expected. Yes, it's okay to be disappointed and upset about how things went, but it wasn't your fault or her fault.

Yes, in those circumstances it does take longer to bond. You didn't get the nice loving family scene with the insta-latch baby. Yes, it's okay to grieve for the birth you thought you would have.

But know, that She loves you. And in part some of her crying may be from your sense of frustration and exhaustion. My little one does not react well when DH is stressed out, they know when things aren't right.

Also, yes, all those factors can be huge contributors to PPD, even though you don't want to hear it. I don't expect you to react well to my post, but I think it needed to be said.
post #50 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by MomAndOliver View Post
I only wanted to add one thing - have you made sure that there's no other reason that your little one is crying all the time? My son had pretty bad reflux, and I remember feeling exactly the same way when he just never, ever stopped crying. Well, he was basically vomiting into his mouth and reswallowing it all the time (so we didn't usually seem him throw up, so it took us awhile to catch it). He was medicated for it, and once he was no longer in constant pain, he turned into the pretty easy-going guy he's been since then. He only needed the medicine for a couple of months, and I don't regret it a bit. Definitely may not be the same situation for you, but I wanted to mention it because you talk about your little one being so colicky. I also eventually found that wearing him a lot helped keep him happy, but I suspect you have already tried that.
I have to second this. I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much, momma. It could be PPD, or it could be that your LO has something going on medically and is in pain and needs medication or some other treatment. I have a reflux baby who also has reactions to foods in my diet (severe gas, etc). She can cry with the best of them, but once I got my diet altered for her and got her on reflux meds, she's a different baby. She is still higher needs than most babies - she was early and the first few weeks really were hell for me, too.

I wish you peace and rest.
post #51 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack View Post
You've been through a year riding the hormonal rollercoaster, and I personally hate this age (my youngest is 3 months old) most of all. I hate the dependence, the desire for interaction, entertainment, more, more, more. I love the baby though- and with him being my fourth, I know that this is just an age I don't like very much. It is tough- it's really, really tough.
: I really don't like newborn babies. Toddlers or about 6-9 months and up are much better.

Quote:
You are absolutely spot-on, that society sends out mixed messages: half the world is telling you to wrap your baby in a blanket and put her in a cot to sleep, and if she cries, so be it. The other half is telling you to hold your baby close, rock her to sleep, cuddle her all night long and even though you burnt out long ago and you feel like total crap, her needs are more important. There's a huge contrast there, and no matter what you do, it's never going to be enough for someone. Throw the books away. Find your own way.
: DD had colic and it totally sucked. Have you looked into having her adjusted by a chiro?
post #52 of 224
I relate to a lot of your feelings. I had a really hard time adjusting to our first baby. I had no family or friends around and DH was working 16 hours/day. DS1 was also unplanned... so lots of life changes very quickly for us. I also had a difficult birth with hours of separation from DS1 immediatly after he was born. I had such a hard time bonding with him, and struggled with always seeing him as in my way.

I admire you for having the courage to admit your dark thoughts and feelings. You must be quite a strong woman. Those feelings were so overwhelming and scary to me.
It helped me to get out of the house.
Talk to someone who would not think I was insane or wrong for having those feelings.
Find projects/hobbies I enjoyed doing.
Accept that life would have a much different pace for a while.
Try my best to enjoy the moment...especially the good ones...just soak those up.
Nap with the baby!
Eat chocolate
Go to playgroups/LLL/API groups
Take a time out for myself when overwhelmed
Get some time alone without a baby at least once a week even if just for 20-30 minutes. Go read at a coffee shop/library, bike ride, lurk on MDC etc.

Every age has its struggles... but also its blessings. I love that my 2.5 yo talks to me, can tell me he loves me, thinks I am funny, enjoys any time he gets to be with me, makes up jokes. So far I don't see much that is terrible about the twos at all! jme
post #53 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
Parenting is so great once they hit 2 imo. I now have another baby, but he isn't quite as difficult as my first so I don't mind it as much. But I do look forward to when he can walk and talk and that kind of stuff. I don't like to need to walk around holding a baby when I am tired or my arms/back hurt from doing it for so many hours. Yes, my toddler tells me no and runs away, there are tantrums, but it is so much better than when they are helpless and rely on you for every. little. thing. I am loving toddlerhood. I hope that you have the same feelings as I do. Some peoples don't like babies. Thats ok. Some people don't like toddlers, some don't like school age, some don't like teens or the elderly. I have difficulty with babies. But the rest are a lot of fun imo. Every age has its difficulties, I feel babies are difficult, especially if you have a colicy and high needs baby like my dd was. I hope parenting gets better for you as your baby gets older.

I do things a bit different with this baby. With my dd, I never let her cry for anything and I burnt out. With this one I will let him cry while I eat, drink, pee/poo, or shower. (I offer to nurse first and make sure his diaper is clean and dry) To me, those are needs and if I don't have those needs met I am not a good mom. If your physical needs aren't met you will be miserable. Maybe its not fully AP that I let my baby cry while I get a drink, but it keeps me from resenting my baby.


I have to totally agree with Gooey here! I learned A LOT from my first baby. I was wired as hell with her, and she was a fireball (still is a two year old) and with my second I have learned I have needs too. I seem to be a better mommy if my basic needs are met (I eat, sleep kinda well, and nourish myself and take time for myself) to my kids. You need to do these things, it is necessary, it is not an option, you NEED to do these things as a stress reliever. I agree with most everyone else, why such a big deal about PPD? There is NOTHING to be ashamed of if you have it (I did with my first and didn't know it until my OB diagnosed me) Please get help for you and your LO.
BIG HUGS!!!
post #54 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtoafireteam View Post
Yes, its totally normal!

For people with PPD. Get some help. Its not normal to feel this way and not have something wrong, sorry.
I didn't have PPD, but I was pushing myself too hard and not taking care of myself, and I was not respecting my own needs or physical/ emotional boundaries. There is a difference between that and PPD. Of course the OP could have PPD, we have no way of knowing, but there are other causes for feeling this kind of desperation and resentment, besides depression.
post #55 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danelle78 View Post
It's okay to rant, get it out, here is as good a place as any.

I searched your posts and see that you had a traumatic birth. Yes, it was traumatic, no it's not what you expected. Yes, it's okay to be disappointed and upset about how things went, but it wasn't your fault or her fault.

Yes, in those circumstances it does take longer to bond. You didn't get the nice loving family scene with the insta-latch baby. Yes, it's okay to grieve for the birth you thought you would have.

But know, that She loves you. And in part some of her crying may be from your sense of frustration and exhaustion. My little one does not react well when DH is stressed out, they know when things aren't right.

Also, yes, all those factors can be huge contributors to PPD, even though you don't want to hear it. I don't expect you to react well to my post, but I think it needed to be said.
Very nicely put.

RaeAnne (that's my dd's nickname!), you really would benefit from seeing a therapist. You need help.

And if the baby cries so much, have her seen by a chiropractor.
post #56 of 224
Quote:
Originally Posted by meowee View Post
I didn't have PPD, but I was pushing myself too hard and not taking care of myself, and I was not respecting my own needs or physical/ emotional boundaries. There is a difference between that and PPD. Of course the OP could have PPD, we have no way of knowing, but there are other causes for feeling this kind of desperation and resentment, besides depression.


Not everyone who is resentful and angry about parenting when they first get thrown into the ring are dealing with mental health problems. It is normal and human. Yes, some are dealing with ppd.

Please don't make blanket statements.
post #57 of 224
OP, I read some of your other posts, and your baby was in the NICU? My son had mec aspiration and spent a week in the NICU. I get it.

I would look into PPD/PTSD. I had both, and I felt much better when they were treated.

post #58 of 224
Your daughter is very new and starting a new life is a massive thing for such little people as babies. Just hold her as much as you want, and take care of her the way you see fit.

Our tiny daughter was so addicted to her pacifier when she was born. By 7 months, she decided she'd had enough and now she LOVES boob time. Sometimes I wish she'd take her pacifier every so often.

These first weeks are a HUGE adjustment. Just stick with it, it'll get easier! You'll fall in love with your baby just like they say you should, for me it took a few weeks, it wasn't immediate (I had a c-section and a pinched nerve in my back to boot, so I was feeling awful for quite a while).
post #59 of 224
It's funny...my first was so easygoing. Both boys had RSV as infants, but H was just such an easy baby, he was a great nighttime sleeper. I had terrible PPD, didn't know it, and thought that I was going to die. It was honestly the hardest thing I've ever done. He and I had a very difficult time working out the breastfeeding relationship, we finally did it, but not without weeks of tears and anxiety and stress. I can't count the hours I spent sobbing on the floor. He never napped, but STTN at 5w5d, and slept for 12 hours straight, woke to nurse then went back down for another 3 hours at 8 weeks old. Still, it just about killed me.

I got on Zoloft when he was about 4-5 months old, and suddenly, I felt capable and like I could handle things, and I started to enjoy this whole mothering thing. Then I had B, and he was a terribly colicky little thing, and spent anywhere from 4-8 hours a day just screaming. Just screaming and writhing and poor baby, just needing to be held. I started on Zoloft when he was 2 weeks old and I could feel that old nasty PPD feeling I'd had with H come over me. When B hit the colicky stage at 3 weeks, I was able to sit with him for hours at a time and just hold him, and be calm, and sing and tell him how we were going to get through this together, and I held on to those moments as if they were treasures, because I knew that they were going to fly by, and he was going to be a year old, and then 2, very soon...

There is a world of difference in how I feel, and I would never have known. You could have knocked me over with a feather when my therapist told me that she thought I had PPD. I thought she was nuts. I figured that trying Zoloft wasn't going to hurt, so I might as well...and it truly did change everything. It can't hurt to look into it, sweetheart. Anything that will make it better, yes? You and your baby deserve a better experience than you are having.
post #60 of 224
RaeAnn, I could have written your post when DS was a tiny baby. I thought I had made the biggest mistake, I was resentful, the sleep deprivation was making me quite literally crazy, and so on. I missed my old life and I could not wait to go back to work. I wanted to give my DS to my brother.

Now when I type that out I sort of laugh (w/ embarassment) b/c my DS is the JOY of my life. He is almost 3. But when he was a newborn I couldn't comprehend things getting any easier.

Guess what, though. I look back and I realize I had severe PPD. I'm not sure why you don't want to talk about that (I hope you're not ashamed - you shouldn't be) but that's what it is. It didn't really register w/ me at the time that that was going on. I guess on some level it did, but.....I don't know...I can't explain it, but I didn't want to talk about it when it was happening.

Get yourself some help. PPD can last a while. I didn't get help for it until DS was 2 months old and I wish I had gotten help earlier.

to you. Hang in there, and no you're not alone. Don't be afraid to get help, and don't avoid discussions about PPD.
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