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Are Those Your Children? - Page 7

post #121 of 222
I have not read all of this thread and may have replied before, not sure, but I had another incident a few weeks ago. I went a place to pick up a donation for residents of our low income housing unit. During the conversation with the woman in charge, she asked me about my children who were with me: "Are they foster children?" My immediate reaction was wtf? But, I handled it gracefully and said, "No, they are mine". She did seem embarrassed.
I have been asked whether they are mine, are they my grandchildren, etc., but this was a first.
post #122 of 222
I am Black and my DH is white. Our son is the complete spitting image of his dad, except for grey eyes and chestnut hair with a LOT of red in it. DH and I have light brown eyes and very dark brown hair. We actually favor each other when you don't consider race.

I had DS in a cure little sleeper with a dump truck on the front and we rode the elevator to get our mail. A brown-skinned woman wearing a red dot on her forehead looked in the stroller and remarked, "So beautiful. So beautiful."

I swelled up pridefully of course. Then, she looked at me and said, "You are her... babysitter?"

I gently said to her, "I am his mother."

Then she laughed, but I didn't think it was funny. I guess my ignorance may show here, but I've known many people who wear the red dot on the forehead, and they have children of all shades too. I was honestly ticked more because she called my very boyish looking boy a girl.
post #123 of 222
I have read only some of this thread, but I knew instantly what this was about when I read the title. I have many people ask me "Is that your baby". I think I may be in part because I look young for my age. However, there is an obvious tone difference in our skin coloration. My DH is CC and I am AA. My daughter has very fair skin. It just really remarkable that people ask if she my daughter. She looks exactly like me. However, I think some people are just condition to believe if you have a certain skin tone then the parents must be part of very obvious ethnic group...
post #124 of 222
I get that all the time. I just say either "yes, why do you ask?" or "yes, are those your children?"
post #125 of 222
Originally Posted by Buddhamom View Post
I get that all the time. I just say either "yes,why do you ask?" or "yes, are those your children?"
Great response
post #126 of 222
Maybe it's because we live in a liberal, large urban metropolis that is ethnically diverse, but this rarely happens to us. Although once DH got asked if our DS1 was adopted...
post #127 of 222

Are they twins?

When I was still married I got asked are they yours. Now that I am single again I get asked are they twins? They have different complexions, hair colors, and differ dramatically in height. Obviously not twins.
I wonder at times if some people are so ignorant to assume I couldn't have possibly had an actual long-term relationship with their father that resulted in our little miracles. So sad really. I pretty much don't acknowledge it, and try my best to ignore that type of ignorance when possible.
post #128 of 222
It's happened to me. Despite being fairly light-skinned, people have a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that I have light-eyed children (two blue one green). Here's the really ironic part: My only dark-eyed child (her eyes are darker than mine) was picked up by a strange woman when she fell on the playground with an "I'll take her to her father." : Poor Bella was so upset by this strange woman trying to take her from me-- much more than she had been by falling off of the slide in the first place!
post #129 of 222
This has been a good read! I now have more of a sense of humor when dealing with people. We have just started going to story time at the library and I've noticed that most of the women there are sitters...or I'm the nanny as one said to me ( I use Nanny loosely because if you are being paid a sittters salary, then you are not a nanny). Anyway, I plopped down and waited for my Little One to get a book when I looked around and noticed that the moms were on one side and the sitters were on the other. So, I'm in the middle just kind of observing when I realised that I was the show! Everyone was trying to figure me out. I'm pretty much Stevie Nicks in a sorority house in any situation and especially in my neighborhood where all of the moms look like barbies. But, this time no one said a word. My MIL is so upset that I don't have any friends in the neighborhood...I'm just glad that I'm too busy with my three Little Ones. I tried to explain the her that I'm not sure it's a good idea to try to make friends with people who see me as the hired help.

post #130 of 222
Originally Posted by MetasMom View Post
So I've been asked a couple of times and usually answered: "I'm not sure she's mine. I'm wondering did my husband cheat on me."

That's GREAT....I'll have to remember that one!
post #131 of 222
People stop me and look me straight in the eye and tell me I have a beautiful family.. unless they make a remark about my age.. (sigh)

But my kids are different races from each other besides some being biracial, so maybe I just get MORE questions than other people..
post #132 of 222
I just wanted to post here because it happened to me again yesterday!! It has not happened for a long time, more when I just had one dd. Here's from my blog (to save typing time).

I'm studying hard to get my semester over with! (Three weeks, three more tests!) I had to bring my kids to a review session today and they were really well behaved. Afterward a classmate that I don't know that well came up to me and asked if they were my *foster* kids? I said no, they are just my kids. I was kinda caught off guard. Then she asked if they were adopted!!! I mean, if they were, that is such a rude question to ask in front my children and it's no one's business anyway. I said they were my kids from my womb, my dh is from India.

I was still recovering from that when another classmate joined us as we were walking to our cars. She speaks with an accent and I didn't know where she was from. This woman who asked me about my kids being adopted asked this other woman with the accent where she was from-- somewhere in Europe right? She said she was from Iran. Then the woman asked, "Where in Europe is that?" The Iranian woman and I were kinda looking at each other like we couldn't believe it. The Iranian woman went on to try to explain wher Iran was and the other woman said, "Well that's close to Europe anyway." Then she started talking about how dark my kids were and how they looked nothing like me. At which point I got to my car thanks goodness.
post #133 of 222
Originally Posted by USAmma View Post
I just wanted to post here because it happened to me again yesterday!! It has not happened for a long time, more when I just had one dd. Here's from my blog (to save typing time).
Your DD's are adoreable and that woman is sickening. Plus she needs to go back to high school.
post #134 of 222
Are Those Kids Yours? is a book that adoptive parents were required to read before completing our homestudy. I think it should be a required reading for the FAMILIES, FRIENDS and COWORKERS of adoptive families. : )
Now a days, adoptive families have to read about attachment disorder, post institutional delays ect, ect.

Anyway, I have had my share of comments from bizzare to just unable to not be nosey! When my son arrived home, I became a stay at home mom, and we ran alot of errands. I went to the post office one day with my son Ravi, then 1 year old. As the line moved, the little boy in front of us, no older than 3, watched Ravi and I over and over. Finally, as his mother was about to be waited on, he must have realized, this was his only chance, and he grabbed it.
"Lady, is that your little boy?" Yes, I said. "Why doesn't he look like you?"
I sat there thoughtfully for a while, looking around, realizing that he didn't look like his mother. I bent over and said, "yes, I'm his mama". Then I looked around (exaggerated) and looked at his mom. "Is this your mother", I asked him. "Yes", he said. I told him that he didn't look alot like his mother, but I could tell that she was his mother because they were standing close together like mothers and children do. She smiled and said, "Her little boy must look like his daddy".

No one had to know if my son was adopted, or if he just looked like his daddy. I had decided before he came home to use each of these awkward moments as a "teaching moment".

Later, when my daughter came home, I had another moment (and plenty since!). On this particular day, I had finally decided to take my son to a homeschooling activity that he had missed since my daughter had come home. I remember all the kids being curious about my daughter, but they didn't understand that she was adopted. They thought she was mine biologically. All the children went to run in the park, and I sat down to nurse Lakshmi. Suddenly, all of the children started running to me, to watch me breastfeed my daughter, who looked nothing like me. They had lots of questions, none about me actually breastfeeding an adopted baby (altho the moms did! LOL) but more about how she could be my baby if she was dark skinned and I was light skinned.

I try to use these teaching moments to help other people cope. But my kids are now all older, and they don't care for the teaching moments at all.
Now, I gauge the situation. If the question is nosey, I tell the person, "You are asking some very interesting questions, but I'm affraid I can't answer you, because my kids don't like me sharing private details". I treat all of those nosey people like I treat the children who ask.

For those who might be trying to find out if we have something in common, I will say, "Yes, they are adopted, are you planning to", and if they are, the conversation grows, and if they aren't I just say, "thanks for asking", and I turn away.

Because my ex-husband is Indian, people are often very confused about just what my kids are...bi-racial or adopted. But I feel it isn't really their business.

post #135 of 222
DS1 looks completely like DH and exactly like a white boy. DS2 looks like my clone. We have lots of mixed couples here, but it seems most other people have kids with medium skin tone and dark brown hair, you know, that mixed Asian and Caucasian look. Our genes didn't seem to mix. We just got his baby and my baby. Lots of people assume I'm bringing a friend's kid along or something. Sometimes they scan around for the correct parent for DS1. I just find it amusing instead of annoying, and am happy that both of my boys are equally handsome.
post #136 of 222
Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
Last week, my dd (4.5 yrs), ds (16 months) and I went to Babies R Us for a registry gift. The (white) cashier asked, "Are those your children?" I said, "Yes." Then she paused and said, "They're beautiful." Of course, I said thanks.

My dd then asked, "Mom, why did she ask if we are your children?" :
I said, "Maybe she didn't hear you call me mom," and I shrugged. The cashier then said, "Oh, well lots of people come in here with their friends' children. That's why I asked."

I think she may have thought that I was the caretaker. I'm AA and my children are biracial. I get that a lot. People aren't sure and they tip toe around the issue, but this was the first time I've been asked outright like that.
I think it was rude of the cashier to ask you that. I feel there is never a reason to ask someone that question. I have been asked if my children are mine but that's only because I am told I look very young all the time (I'm over 40) and I get asked if my teenaged son is my little brother or if I'm their babysitter. I hate such comments and I think people are rude to ever comment in such a way.
post #137 of 222
not anymore, no. But my little girl , Aja was in the NICU for a while with sleep apnea. Well, when they changed shifts, we went in to see her (me and my fam) and they nurse just stood and looked at us and asked why were we there, I told her "To see MY daughter!" She looked shocked..DH is half white so Aja came out really fair and she looked like a little white baby and I guess the nurse didn't think the group of black ppl coming in had no business seeing her. I was on fire (on TOP of dealing with the stresses of having a baby in the NICU). All she had to do is check mine and my husbands wrist bands and keep her $%^& mouth shut.

Here is a pic

post #138 of 222
oh neat i didn't know pics could be put automatically on the boards!
post #139 of 222
Originally Posted by USAmma View Post
I just wanted to post here because it happened to me again yesterday!! It has not happened for a long time, more when I just had one dd. Here's from my blog (to save typing time).
Chalk it up to willful ignorance. Some people have no interest in opening their mind or expanding their worldview!!
post #140 of 222
I just had to read this entire thread because I have SO BEEN THERE. I can't even count the times. I am 27, look like I'm a teenager, and have 4 children. The big 3 are a pretty good mix of me and my hubby (they would be 3/4 "white" and 1/4 Filipino), but the 4th looks just like Daddy - even paler and blonder. So today I hear that she's the only one who looks like a Xxxxxxxxx (our last name) in our family. Thanks. Keep in mind that the older 3 have lighter hair and complexions than some of hubby's own siblings.

When I was asked where I came from (if I had a nickel for every time I heard that), I would say Minnesota. And leave it totally at that!
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