or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Multicultural Families › Are Those Your Children?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Are Those Your Children? - Page 8

post #141 of 222

Thank Goodness

I am so very happy that I found this thread. I am AA. DH is VERY white and my 7 month DD is paler than my DH. I am always being asked if she is mine. I have cried about it on more than one occasion. It is a blessing to know that I am not alone when dealing with situations like these.

I love my DD so much and the thought of some one doubting whether or not I could be the mother of my dearly loved DD is heart breaking to me.

I really must thank you all for sharing your stories and insights, they've truly helped!!!
post #142 of 222
Oh mamma. Listen-- I've got three kids who don't look like me, not a bit... but everyone knows that they are mine when we're together. Bear looks nothing like me, but he sticks to me like glue. He's definately *mine* even though he doesn't look a thing like me.
post #143 of 222
I haven't read the entire 8 pages of postings, but many that I did relate to my experiences.

I have been asked if my son is mine.
I have had people stare . . and stare . . . and then tell me that my son is mine (duh - like I wasn't sure?)
I have had kids argue with my son that I wasn't his mom but his babysitter (I'm white, son is biracial)
I have had kids ask me if I was his aunt (guess its okay for an aunt to be a different race, but not a mom, lol)

The best (looking at this in humorous light) is when my parents had my son, and were asked if he knew he was adopted!

I have even not been let in to his preschool by a volunteer until a teacher vouched for me (had tobe buzzed in, preschool was all black)


I find that a sense of humor about it helps a lot.

Most people I find are not TRYING to be offensive (the ones that are normally aren't willing to speak anyway), they just don't think before they speak.

I find some of the most interesting questions start with "Don't be offended, but . . . .?" That phrase normally comes when people are trying to figure out what race I am (plain old white).
post #144 of 222
I have been asked by medical professionals if ds' mom was around.. "No, I stuffed her in the trash can."

I mean, duh. There are TWO people in the exam room. DS and me... but obviously I can't possibly be mom, right?

This has unfortunately happened more than once.
post #145 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by alaskanteach View Post
I have been asked by medical professionals if ds' mom was around.. "No, I stuffed her in the trash can."

I mean, duh. There are TWO people in the exam room. DS and me... but obviously I can't possibly be mom, right?

This has unfortunately happened more than once.

I forgot about this one! Yes, I have been asked if I was mom by the dr before, luckly not more than once by the same dr - if so, we wouldn't be there a third time. . .
post #146 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsgoho View Post
I am so very happy that I found this thread. I am AA. DH is VERY white and my 7 month DD is paler than my DH. I am always being asked if she is mine. I have cried about it on more than one occasion. It is a blessing to know that I am not alone when dealing with situations like these.

I love my DD so much and the thought of some one doubting whether or not I could be the mother of my dearly loved DD is heart breaking to me.

I really must thank you all for sharing your stories and insights, they've truly helped!!!
Welcome! :

UsAmma, that story is so horrible it's funny. Iran. IRAN. If you don't know, why start talking about it?

My own looks nothing like me and just like her daddy, but because we are the same color, more or less (actually, she has rosy skin and I, olive, but hey, we're both a wee bit tanner than white, so that's the same, right? ) and have brown eyes and hair, I get to be her mom. I love how the facial features count for nothing!
post #147 of 222
*cross posted in the "White Native Americans" thread*

To get a good visual of what a bumpy road genes are, look up Alicia and Jasmin Singer, or Remee and Kian Hodgson. These pictures really illuminate the fact that we don't know anybody's heritage just by looking
post #148 of 222
Im white skinned, my dd is white skinned. I have been asked that question. I don't react to it, its a normal question. No need to make mountains out of molehills
post #149 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerlyKnownAs View Post
*cross posted in the "White Native Americans" thread*

To get a good visual of what a bumpy road genes are, look up Alicia and Jasmin Singer, or Remee and Kian Hodgson. These pictures really illuminate the fact that we don't know anybody's heritage just by looking
WOW! Googling that was amazing!
post #150 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnySlippers View Post
Im white skinned, my dd is white skinned. I have been asked that question. I don't react to it, its a normal question. No need to make mountains out of molehills

Except it isn't a "normal" question, when the child is obviously attached to the parent and strangers are questioning the nature of the relationship and making offensive assumptions - that the baby must be adopted or adult must be a paid employee.

It can be annoying (yes, that child calling me Momma really is mine).

It can be terrifying (the stranger who physically obstructed me and separated me from my 4 y.o. in a busy train station - because he thought my child "belonged" to the people in front of us, and that I was being a pushy by running to overtake them - I was trying to catch my child before he ran ahead too far).

I think you have to have a sense of humour about it, but that doesn't mean it isn't offensive. And if it's offensive, then it's not just a molehill.
post #151 of 222
Okay, I'm going to have my first baby in August, and these responses are really disturbing me. I love Phoenix, but I'm seriously wondering if it would be best for our family to move somewhere a biracial couple and children are more common. We get many more stares out here than when we lived in Southern California.
post #152 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshynbaby View Post
Okay, I'm going to have my first baby in August, and these responses are really disturbing me. I love Phoenix, but I'm seriously wondering if it would be best for our family to move somewhere a biracial couple and children are more common. We get many more stares out here than when we lived in Southern California.
Hi Sunshyn- You could move to Canada - interracial couples and marriages are becoming more common and when I moved back to Canada from the US to go to University, I found it really noticeable how many visible interracial couples and families there were.
This article is about interracial couples and families in Canada.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servl...ifeFamily/home
post #153 of 222
I've got three biracial children, and it's been pointed out to me on numerous occasions that "they must not have a white daddy" as if I had overlooked that fact.

At least the youngest seems to look more like me.

I don't know, I look at these children and I don't see an ethnic predisposition. I just see beautiful, olive-skinned babies. However, I am thinking it stands out because I'm pale as a moth, red-haired and green-eyed, and my children (especially my daughter) are clearly (at least to some people) Hispanic.

I honestly have never been offended, except by my sister, who favors using racial slurs when describing any Hispanic individual. I can't get it through to her that I don't want my kids growing up to think they are ****s (I'm assuming that's a UA violation, and rightfully so).

The biggest thing I run across is being told I don't look old enough to have three kids. I get a kick out of explaining that. Because I don't have three kids. I have six.
post #154 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshynbaby View Post
Okay, I'm going to have my first baby in August, and these responses are really disturbing me. I love Phoenix, but I'm seriously wondering if it would be best for our family to move somewhere a biracial couple and children are more common. We get many more stares out here than when we lived in Southern California.
Actually that is one reason why I LOVE living where I do.. mixed kids are the norm here..

My sister lives in an upscale nieghborhood in San Diego and she says her kids are the only "minority" kids (they are white/black) on their entire bus route...
post #155 of 222
This thread has been great reading (read a lot but not all). My dh and I are white and considering adopting a black child. I am feeling a bit ignorant of what sorts of things we may run into. Hearing people's experiences and feelings is helpful.

I think I've been guilty of asking too tho... For example, you meet someone out somewhere, kids are playing together and you want to ask how old the kid is or something to make conversation and get to know them. Do you say "How old is your son?" and risk them being the nanny? Or do you first ask "These are your sons right?" Then when she says yes ask the "how old are they". So what would be the polite way to ask then? It just seems to be hard to make conversation and get to know someone when you don't know if the kids involved are their kids. I mean usually it's the kids (or dog) that is the common ground upon which you open conversation.

I"m a bit concerned because we are in a VERY rural area - don't think I've seen any black people in this town.
post #156 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached Mama View Post
This thread has been great reading (read a lot but not all). My dh and I are white and considering adopting a black child. I am feeling a bit ignorant of what sorts of things we may run into. Hearing people's experiences and feelings is helpful.

I think I've been guilty of asking too tho... For example, you meet someone out somewhere, kids are playing together and you want to ask how old the kid is or something to make conversation and get to know them. Do you say "How old is your son?" and risk them being the nanny? Or do you first ask "These are your sons right?" Then when she says yes ask the "how old are they". So what would be the polite way to ask then? It just seems to be hard to make conversation and get to know someone when you don't know if the kids involved are their kids. I mean usually it's the kids (or dog) that is the common ground upon which you open conversation.

I"m a bit concerned because we are in a VERY rural area - don't think I've seen any black people in this town.
Gosh, I don't know - how about "How old is he?" I probably posted this somewhere in the preceding 8 pages, but I have never, ever, in several years now of park/swimming pool/library conversations, ever needed to ask anyone if a child with them was "theirs." Just assume, and go from there - they will correct you if it's a problem.

As an adoptive white mom of a Latina child, your last sentence concerns me more. I guess I would ask yourself: how would it have felt to you to grow up somewhere where no one looked like you? Just something to really think about. Talk with other transracial adoptive families, adult adoptees, do some reading, and really think through how this might work in your situation. I'm not saying "don't do it" because only you can make that decision, but it's a huge consideration, I think.
post #157 of 222
We're a white couple with two white bio kids in the process of adopting a black baby. I worry about this all the time. We're lucky in that we live in a university town and there are tons of interracial families and transracially adopted kids and international families... we see them everywhere. So even though we're a little rural, I think for the most part we'll be okay.

I also really want my white kids to experience racism from the inside. Nothing like defending a sibling to make you more aware and more willing to do what you can to stamp it out in the future.
post #158 of 222
I am feeling the pain of having to explain family genetics ALL the time, and we are all plain white. How can this be you ask? Well it so happens that both my children have rather curly hair. My hair is wavy and my dh has straight hair. When I'm by myself I always get asked if the curls come from daddy. When I say no it's like they don't believe me!! If we are all together it's 'where do they get those curls from??' In a way that makes me feel like our beautiful babies aren't anything like us. It drives me nuts and I have been tempted to get a perm(so NOT me)just to shut everyone up.

Ok, I'm done ranting:P It should be interesting if the one I'm due with in May comes out looking way different that my other two(which is possible with my dd and ds having very blonde curly hair and blue eyes, my dh has chocolate hair and eyes and we expect his genes to kick in sometime!).

Jenny
post #159 of 222
I have enjoyed reading this thread. I wanted to share something that made me mad, while at the same time I felt the need to laugh.
No kiddos yet, but with our family genes, we are destined to have redheads all the way, so I am sure we will be in for plenty of the same comments listed above.

My sister is 9 years younger than me. She has medium to light brown hair. Mine is dark. I am on the slightly fluffy side, and she is quite slender.
If you take 1/2 a second, you would know we were/are siblings.
On top of that, I have always looked much younger than I am.
At the time, she was 18 and I was 27. I worked at a daycare, and had actually been there for over 2 years.
I thought for sure everyone knew that I was not married, and still lived at home, so that I did not have to pay the horrible rent in town.
So, we were in the grocery store together, and one of my cowokers passed, and said hi on her way out the door.
The next day, she popped her head in the door of the kitchen and mentioned seeing me and my daughter at the store
Needless to say, she was mortified, as I without realizing it, expressed my shock all over my face, and proceeded to tell her she was my sister, and only a few years younger than me!
post #160 of 222
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whistler View Post

I also really want my white kids to experience racism from the inside. Nothing like defending a sibling to make you more aware and more willing to do what you can to stamp it out in the future.
gosh, i don't know if there is a way to experience racism from the inside unless you actually identify as non-white. i think i see what you are meaning though in that it is more intimate, the experience of witnessing racism and one's own white privilege, when your kid is not white. it has been really painful for me. i cry about it sometimes. i wouldn't assume your kids will have any particular experience though? my middle son (latino) went through a lot of changes trying to sort out why african american men are stereotypically portrayed in the media and don't match his experience of his brother, who presents as african american. i'd say, with lots of help and shaping, he "gets" it to an extent, but (at 8) he isn't exactly what i would call radicalized. it is very confusing for him.

as for "are those your kids"--can you believe that when i registered my 12 year old for school this year the guidance counselor looked at me (white) and then at the birth certificate and said--"but, is he adopted?" and my son, who is aa and latino, said, yes, before i could say anything, and then the counselor said "well, we might need some more evidence in that case to corroborate that you are the legal guardian! i will check with the school dept." huh? my name is listed as momma on the birth certificate. how humiliating for my son.

when i am not with my husband, who is also white, i get a lot of mmm, he must take after his daddy type comments. sometimes it bothers me more than others.

the absolute worst was when my african american child was playing soccer with a stranger on the soccer field who was african american, ie, my kid kicked him the ball and the man kicked it back, and the coach, sweetest guy you'd ever know, ignorantly/innocently came RUNNING across many many yards of field to the man, saying, hey, hey, i am so glad to meet you finally, I am coach t, your son is fantastic, just fantastic. i had to tell the coach we did not know that man. the man was horrified, the coach was, my son was, i was. so much easier not to make assumptions, or at least not to publicize them!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Multicultural Families
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Multicultural Families › Are Those Your Children?