What thought helped you get over your birth trauma?

[HoneyTree]

I want your thoughts, epiphanies, realizations, even your change in perspective.

I'm trying to pack my someday birth bag with these little yarns to pull out when the memory of my own traumatic birth gets too ugly and cold in my mind.

TIA for your help!

ETA: I am in the process of combing through the birth trauma sticky, I'm just looking for something maybe more personal, one little idea that kind of switched something for you...

[BetsyS]

I realized that yes, in a perfect world, everyone would have these wonderful, fabulous homebirths with supportive care providers. That the contractions wouldn't feel so much as pain as they would feel like rushes or maybe orgasmic or what-have-you. That everyone's labors would be straight forward and easy to cope with. That everyone would be able to deal with the pain as "pain with a purpose", to quote a popular phrase. After the birth, no baby would ever get sick. No mama/baby couple would ever have trouble with breastfeeding.

Things would be perfect in a perfect world.

Alas....

I came to realize that we don't live in a perfect world. The world is far from it. There are many things that can go perfectly for many people, but they will not go perfectly for every person. And, that's just reality. I could go on lamenting the loss of the birth I had envisioned, or I could embrace and love the experience that I DID have. Obviously, there was some (well, a lot) grief there, but at the other end, it was what happened, and it's my choice on how to feel about it.

[DoomaYula]

I went through the stages of grief. I wrote about them. I talked about them. I bounced back and forth between them.

[fresh_water]

I told myself that it all happened for a reason and that no matter what, my son was fine. It wasn't honestly my fault. It was nothing I did or didn't do, before or during my pregnancy or labor. It was out of my hands. Next time, it will be different.

[Nan'sMom]

I spoke to my caregivers, clarified what I had really wanted, what I could have done differently, what they could have done differently. I used a classical homeopath as well.

In terms of next birth, I went for what I wanted no holds barred, no worries about sparing others' feelings (as in I did things the way I thought safest and best and didn't tiptoe around my needs). I had some rough moments during my second pregnancy but the birthing environment was so different that I did not get flashbacks.

It's so good you are working through this all. It is such hard work (to say the least!) but an amazing growth and healing opportunity. Best healing wishes to you.

[Redifer]

Originally Posted by DoomaYula

I went through the stages of grief. I wrote about them. I talked about them. I bounced back and forth between them.

This. I have just now, 11 months post-partum, begun to go into the acceptance stage. I bounced back and forth between anger and depression for the entire time. And if I start talking about childbirth and what's normal in this society, I will get entirely too angry, to the point of yelling and spitting.. not for me, but for other women who are bound to be traumatized in the same fashion i was.

The best therapy I had was talking to DH, as much and as often as needed, and activism. Working toward a goal, a change in the status quo that harmed me, gave me something to focus all that energy on. And with each tiny change that I helped to bring about, a little piece of that resentment faded.

[channelofpeace]

I have had two traumatic births... one was a repeat c-section at the last minute (had been planning a vbac) for a dubious, non-emergent reason. My second was my vba2c in the hospital, which was fine until near the end, i had an unwanted vag exam, freaked and asked for an epidural (after wanting a natural birth for years).

Two things helped me get through this. With the first, it was really a matter of feeling like i made the wrong decision, that i should have just waited for labor. I felt like i let my baby down, didn't have enough faith in him. A wise woman told me i could apologize to him. So i did... i apologized to him for not giving him the birth i wanted for us, for being so angry about it his first year, and i really clung to the thought that i did the best i could, given the information and support that i had at the time.

With my second baby, what helped was choosing to focus on the parts of his birth that were good. Focusing on the traumatic parts was eating me alive, so i felt the feelings i needed to feel about them (mostly anger about the vag exam everyone in the room should know i didn't want) and then choose to not let that be my primary feeling when i think back on his birth. Now, instead, i focus on way it felt to hold him (he was the first baby i got to see come out of me and go immediately on my chest) those first few minutes when he was wet and warm and sticky from vernix.

And something i have come to recently, on a broader scope, is my need to provide women with alternatives to medical care in childbirth. It outrages me what goes on across the country to women in the name of a "healthy baby" and it isn't good for woman or babies. But i feel that perhaps i am not being called to fight that fight. Instead, I am starting midwifery school soon, so that i can provide the kind of care that all women deserve.

[meowee]

I still have not recovered, and I've accepted that I might never recover. Accepting that I might never get over it has actually helped me heal, as paradoxical as it might sound. I still can't look at the photos of the birth (5 years later...). I also have accepted that there is no ideal I have to live up to-- I just need to find a way to feel emotionally safe when I give birth.

[rabbitmum]

Another birth, this time with a fantastic midwife, who respected my wishes and protected me from anything she thought might be stressful for me, cured me of my previous birth trauma.

[barefootpoetry]

I eventually came to realize that my body wasn't broken, and it didn't fail me. It did exactly what it was supposed to do. It was put in a terrifying situation where it didn't feel safe, and therefore it shut down to stop the labor. Wild animals do this all the time, and then they find a better place to birth and continue. (Unfortunately there was no other place for me to go but the OR.)

I really revelled in my outrage for a while. I ranted and raved and let it all out. I made all sorts of ridiculous, unreasonable arguments. Looking back now I kind of cringe, but it helped me work through the trauma and get all that anger out. Once the pot had boiled over, I turned down the heat and now I have a nice batch of birth activist stew gently simmering.

[HoneyTree]

: Mamas, you have no idea. I have copied and pasted your responses into a document saved on my computer, and I am making affirmations based on them. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[tireesix]

When I finally accepted it really wasn't my fault.