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Need help, adivice, accidentally pregnant, please don't flame.

post #1 of 45
Thread Starter 
I have 2 very spirited boys almost 6 and almost 4, and I am often completely overwhelmed. I am SAHM and we homeschool. My house is tiny, we have one car, and bam suddenly I am pregnant with number 3. This is a total accident. I am so upset. I am about to be 38 years old and I can't even imagine going through another pregnancy, little baby, etc. Part of me says no way and then part of me days oh, what if it was a girl? And then larger parts of me say: we have no room, no money, and I am finally doing stuff for myself again. These last years have been very hard for me as I have 2 spirited boys. I can't imagine another. I just can't believe this has happenned. On top of it all I just found out while I was out of town, and I am at a big family gathering having to pretend everything is OK while secretly crying in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed or how to even function. Please don't flame me, I know many people here are trying to get pregnant, and I worked hard for my two boys. They were definitely planned. I just don't think I can do it again.
post #2 of 45
:

Can you give yourself a few days off? I know it's totally overwhelming and probably consumes your every waking thought, but nothing's going to change over a few days' time. Give yourself a little space to breathe and absorb the shock and go easy on yourself as much as you can.
post #3 of 45
I'm sorry you're faced with this.

Take a deep breath and discuss things with your DH. Talk about your feelings and his...all of them. The two of you can decide how to go forward.
post #4 of 45
I'm sorry you are being put in such a difficult position. It sounds really tough.

It's ok that you aren't sure you want to keep this baby. That is your right. It's important to think through all of the possible results and make a decision with your partner. It would not be a good idea for you to work through this on your own and then discover your partner had a very different idea of what should happen.

I could offer up possible solutions, but you know them as well as anyone. So instead I will just tell you that I'm sorry you are facing such a hard choice.
post #5 of 45
I am sorry that this has happened. I do believe that things happen for a reason. I have lots of friend and family that are older and their biggest regrets are not having more kids. I have two high spirited boys myself and I am pregnant again, planned, and I find myself thinking WHAT AM I DOING. I am not to familiar with home schooling but maybe you could find someone to trade off with so you wouldn't have to have the kids every day. Or maybe start a mom's group so you have some adult conversation while the kids are playing. One day your kids will be gone from home and we mothers will look back and miss these days. Don't be to hard on yourself. I do feel your pain and pray that God will fill you with peace. Who knows, this next child may grow up to cure cancer or be president. ((((Hugs))))
post #6 of 45
You have a lot on your plate. You sound like a very busy mom who is dedicated and devoted to your family. You are raising two future men. You deserve a hand.

You have a big decision to make. Ultimately, it is yours to make. No flames from me, mama. Hopefully, with a little time, you can come to make peace with whatever you choose. I'll be praying that you come to the best decision for you and your family.
post #7 of 45
Thinking of you. I'm 37 and expecting #2 (another boy) in August. Even though he was planned I'm still anxious about going through the baby stages, etc. Our son just turned 4 and he is really gaining his indepence and I'm finding mine again, too. So, I feel a little bit of your pain.

Hugs to you and I'll pray that you find your answers soon.
post #8 of 45
Have you talked to your DH about your feelings? What does he say? It sounds like you need some time to think this all out.
IME its never the "right" time for another, not enough space or money, but it works out just fine. I never find that it costs much in the baby stage, we CD, cosleep, BW, ect...
I hope you find peace.
post #9 of 45
I understand. I was really depressed and surprised and not ready for #3. I spent about half of the pregnancy hopelessly upset about it.

Not sure how I turned things around but to get to the point, My family now feels complete. All is right with the world.

I didnt think I could handle it. Some days I still dont.



Just sending you good happy vibes.

I know that whatever you decide to do and however you handle the situation, you will make the right choice for your family.
post #10 of 45
Your story sounds exactly like mine, right down to age and details, so I can sure sympathize. It took me several weeks to come to any sort of peace about it. I would get furious with people who would congratulate me or act excited about it because how dare they just do that without even asking how I felt about it, ya know?

Anyway, I'm sending big hugs and warm thoughts your way as you go through this time. I wish you all the best.
post #11 of 45
I'm sorry you have such a tough choice to make. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and you already know how much you can handle.

I agree with pp that you should, not try to forget it till you get home (how could you) but wait till you can talk to dh about it before feeling like you have to make your decision.

Also keep in mind that when you do tell dh, you'll have had some days to absorb the knowledge of the pregnancy, while he will be in total shock. You might want to give him a day or two before you have your big discussion.

Hang in there at the family gathering. What a tough situation!

No flames here. Whatever choice you make will be the best one for you and your family.
post #12 of 45
Oh this is such a relief, I feel like I'm the only idiot in this predicament! I'm 33 and I have a 14-month-old. I just lost my dog, my daycare provider, and I'm dealing with a couple of heavily depressed people who are very close to me. Basically, I'm overwhelmed.

DH and I decided we were done with 1 child. He was looking into vasectomies. The condom broke 5 days prior to ovulation. What are the odds of conception? DD was also conceived 5 days after intercourse, so pretty good I guess. Truthfully, I've never even had unprotected sex during ovulation and I'm on my 2nd pregnancy. Sorry to those who try & try, I seem to have quite the knack for getting knocked up (wry smile).

Anyhow, I'm so on the fence on this one and DH is pretty set on sticking with the one child. I feel so resentful towards the fetus. It's threatening DD's milk. It's threatening her play time with me, her lap to sit in, her mommy's energy. On one hand, I remember praying for years for a sibling. Has anyone else felt that way? It seems like everyone feels such glee at pregnancy, and here I am having night terrors about it.

I feel your pain, mamapajama! Oh what to do.
post #13 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I'm sorry you have such a tough choice to make. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and you already know how much you can handle.

I agree with pp that you should, not try to forget it till you get home (how could you) but wait till you can talk to dh about it before feeling like you have to make your decision.

Also keep in mind that when you do tell dh, you'll have had some days to absorb the knowledge of the pregnancy, while he will be in total shock. You might want to give him a day or two before you have your big discussion.

Hang in there at the family gathering. What a tough situation!

No flames here. Whatever choice you make will be the best one for you and your family.
: No flames at all. Whatever choice you make will be right.
post #14 of 45
no flames here just a big hug. i am due in two weeks and still am thinking there is no way i can do this. just take some time and think about it. someone once said you will never regret having children but would regret not having them. it stuck in my mind after dd was born because i had a traumatic birth with her and swore never to have any others. good luck in whatever decision you and hubby decide on.
post #15 of 45
I hope you figure out what it best for you and your family.
Maybe start with a list of pros & cons for yourself about being pregnant and having another child.
It's so hard to think rationally with a surprise pregnancy. Definitely been there!
post #16 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamapajama View Post
I have 2 very spirited boys almost 6 and almost 4, and I am often completely overwhelmed. I am SAHM and we homeschool. My house is tiny, we have one car, and bam suddenly I am pregnant with number 3. This is a total accident. I am so upset. I am about to be 38 years old and I can't even imagine going through another pregnancy, little baby, etc. Part of me says no way and then part of me days oh, what if it was a girl? And then larger parts of me say: we have no room, no money, and I am finally doing stuff for myself again. These last years have been very hard for me as I have 2 spirited boys. I can't imagine another. I just can't believe this has happenned. On top of it all I just found out while I was out of town, and I am at a big family gathering having to pretend everything is OK while secretly crying in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed or how to even function. Please don't flame me, I know many people here are trying to get pregnant, and I worked hard for my two boys. They were definitely planned. I just don't think I can do it again.
I have been in your boat before......NONE of mine were actually PLANNED. My first I was sooooo young and in a hard relationship (if you call it that) and I felt like I had ran into a brick wall. Thankfully everything ended up working out and then about two years later....here came unexpected baby number two!! My first had just gotten to the terrible two stage and I was stressed to the max with her and then I find out I am having another!!!! This may sound horrible, but I felt like my little family was being bombarded by a stranger. But eventually I got over it. And as soon as he was born, I was not sure how I lived without him!! I definitely can not imagine life without him now. He is one of my sunshines....makes me smile when I am down. Comes and loves on me and says....I wuv u mommy. So I finish nursing him and then what do ya know....I am pg with my third unexpected. Basically the same negative feelings again....eventually get over it and again....I can not imagine life without him! Jump forward to finishing nursing with him and ......welll you know....I was pg AGAIN with my 4th unexpected baby!!! This one I decided to just embrace from the beginning even though I was really not wanting anymore kids.........btw we were only wanting two kids.......hehe. So I have been getting more excited and any time I have negative feelings, I throw them out and remind myself how everything else turned out...I know everything will be fine. Now I am thrilled to be just days away from holding my new baby girl! A lot of times, I think we just have to convince ourselves to be happy and eventually it becomes reality. Mind over matter if you will....lol

Also I will point out that your first two are relatively close in age and thus probably was harder for you....but with there being more of a gap from your boys to this baby....then I would almost say with certainty that it will be easier for you.

I have a 5 yr old, 3 yr old, 1.5 year old and a new baby that will be here in just days!!! I really think it has gotten easier as my kids got older. My two older ones are such a help with my current youngest.....and I know that it will be the same with the new baby. My three year old is soooo excited and he comes up and lifts up my shirt and kisses and talks to the baby. He is always asking if the baby is awake or asleep and occationally if I have had the baby yet....lol. My oldest was not the happiest at first.....she was not mad, but she was just used to it. Having younger siblings and her mom being pg is the norm for her....lol. But once we went and had the u/s and she saw the baby and found out it was a girl, she started to get excited....and I know she will be even more excited when the baby is actually here. She is amazing with her younger brothers. She helps me like crazy around here. Honestly the house would not be as clean as it is without her helping me.
I really think that your situation will be alright....it just takes a little adjustment period.

*hugs*
post #17 of 45

Just another mama chiming in that it is perfectly fine to feel this way.
I'm about 50% devestated that I could have another child and 50% devestated that I could loose this child...
I think it's good to be honest about it and "get it out there."

... and options if you are truely "done"
post #18 of 45
good luck Mama you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I felt very similar when I found out I was pregnant with #1, I couldn't beleive it, everything was wrong with the timing, you name it is was wrong.

I had a full meltdown, I was convulsively crying trying to get myself together. I prayed about it and started to get attached to my baby. But the whole pregnancy I felt so ashamed like I was so irresponsible, how could I have let this happen. Then my son got here, and all that went away. We figured it out and now I feel that i am the most blessed person in the world.

But Mama, if you need support in any decision you make I think you have an entire board of mamas to help. You have to do what's right for you and your family. good luck!!!
post #19 of 45
Just wanted to send you a You're not alone...lots of Mommas feel this way. Having a baby is no small potatoes....of course it's going to be overwhelming, especially for someone in your shoes.

I think you have a lot of support and love from the ladies here...we are rooting for you and here to give support!
post #20 of 45
No flames here, but as a crisis pregnancy counselor, I see this a lot. And I am currently expecting with a 10 month old- totally unplanned. But there are other options, too. Have you considered adoption? At least it could be an alternative. With the hormonal changes in the first stages of pregnancy, you aren't really yourself and thinking like you would if you weren't pregnant. You kind of go into fight or flight mode and are fearful of the future. If you can just wait out this part and discuss everything with dh, perhaps you will fall in love with this baby over the next 9 months. And if you still don't feel like you can raise a third baby, you can always go the adoption route. There are so many variations of adoption nowdays, too- from totally opened to totally closed and everything in between.

Here's an interesting article if you want to read it. Just from one concerned mommy to another...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/lif...cle3559486.ece
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