In our 40s and due in January - Page 24

[wvmommy]

Originally Posted by juneau

Erika, congratulations! He's beautiful! And what a wonderful, healing birth. You deserved that!

thank you so much!! i can't believe i did it. i mean, all of it. i got myself pregnant, i grew this perfect baby, i carried him to term and gave birth to him unassisted at home! i mean, wow! i feel like i've won something!!!!!!!

mommy to arthur, erik
AND baby juicy!!! born 2-5-09
erika

[juneau]

And all of that single and over 40! You have won something -- a family!

I feel the same way, except for the unassisted birth part. Conceiving after a loss (three), in my mid-40s, having an uneventful pregnancy after all that, and then giving birth to this perfect little baby -- amazing!

I feel a little weepy sometimes about what I've lost (my son, Daniel) but it all gets mixed up in the joy of what I have, my daughter Eliza Jane. There would be no Eliza Jane if there had been no Daniel, and if Daniel had lived there would still be no Eliza Jane. I'm sure it will be even more poignant as she grows and develops her personality. I am so sad that I am missing Daniel but I'm even sadder to think I might have missed the chance for Eliza Jane. Does that make any sense?

I'm a little weepier than usual today because my bunny (RIP Juneau) finally died. We buried him in the garden, which although still snow-covered, is no longer frozen solid.

[wvmommy]

juneau, i didn't know you lost a child. it always makes me so sick to hear that. i wish no one knew what it was like to feel like me.

and as for the confusing clash of emotions, i can't even think about it that much because it drives me insane. juicy wouldn't be here if it weren't for arthur and erik, and had they not been taken from me, juicy would never have been born. i wouldn't want that! but i want erik and arthur back also! there is no answer. it's like sophie's choice and i can't make that kind of choice. they are all my children and i love and want them all. i expressed these confusing feelings in my grief group and someone told me not to even think like that. that if this then that thinking. what is, is. there is no what if. what happened did happen and juice is here. and that's what is. and that is where i try to keep my thinking or i will come apart. i know there are people who think i should be 'all better' now but it just doesn't work that way. my grief is not diminished. but i do have a wonderful little boy to love and to give me joy and hope and those things can exist along side of the grief, which is way way way way better than just the grief all by itself.

mommy to arthur, erik
AND baby juicy!!! born 2-5-09
erika

[veganmama719]

Erika, congrats on your beautiful baby boy. I am so glad you had such a wonderful pregnancy and birth, especially after everything you have been through with losing your boys.

Welcome to the world little man!

Juneau, I am glad you got your house back. I am sure your mom was a big help but it's nice to be on your own with your family.


Me: gained 4 lbs, looks like 10, right on the belly.

[juneau]

Originally Posted by wvmommy

...those things can exist along side of the grief, which is way way way way better than just the grief all by itself....

Amen.

Daniel's story in brief: I struggled with infertility for many years before conceiving my daughter, so I thought she would be an only child. Much to my shock and surprise, I found myself pregnant again when she was only 13 months old (and I was 42). Responding to a bunch of conflicting emotions and fears, I had a nuchal scan which found a slightly enlarged nuchal fold. I panicked and was pressured by the doctor into having a CVS. The results came back "normal." But two weeks later, I was in the hospital with what turned out to be a uterine infection, a funneling cervix, and early labor (I was close to 15 weeks). I gave birth to my son to save my own life. It was the darkest moment of my life. I only wanted to live to be with my daughter, and then only barely. I spent four days in the hospital and many months recovering physically; at least a year emotionally. And obviously I still struggle sometimes.

But, as you said, now the joy and grief together are far better than the grief alone.

...
Now, as to how we are doing without my mom around... I am trying to figure out how to get through the day without a nap -- either that or I'm going to have to find a babysitter or let dd watch television, or something, to save my sanity!

Juls, enjoy your cloth diaper adventure! I love it, and couldn't imagine doing it any other way.

Oh oh, dd2 is awake and hungry. Time to feed her and GO TO BED!

[jrabbit]

Juneau - I'm sure Juneau is hopping around over the Rainbow Bridge with all of our bunnies, and feasting on dandelion greens and carrot tops!

[veganmama719]

Originally Posted by jrabbit

Juneau - I'm sure Juneau is hopping around over the Rainbow Bridge with all of our bunnies, and feasting on dandelion greens and carrot tops!

Absolutely!

[veganmama719]

Originally Posted by veganmama719

Absolutely!

I am sorry for your loss.

[jrabbit]

I slept on it, trying to think of the right words to not sound dopey, but it's not any better, so ... all I can say for Juneau and Erika and anyone really who have lost your children, I'm sorry.

[wvmommy]

Originally Posted by juneau

Amen.

Daniel's story

that breaks my heart. i am so sorry about your son and the way the drs pushed you. it's horrible.

xoxoxo
mommy to arthur, erik
AND baby juicy!!! born 2-5-09
erika

[juneau]

Thanks for your condolences, both about Daniel and Juneau. What happened is in the past and I am moving on. I can't change it but it has changed me.

On a more positive note, I figured it's about time I post a picture of my dd2! Here we are celebrating Obama's inauguration, age one week.

[veganmama719]

Aw, Juneau that pic made me day!

Even though I am sick as a dog!

[juneau]

Originally Posted by veganmama719

Even though I am sick as a dog!

And aren't you supposed to be on your way to Cuba?!

We got out of the house today!!! It's 60 degrees or so, and we went to a breastfeeding support group, out to lunch and shopping at Trader Joe's. It was so nice to get out! Dd1 even fell asleep in the car on the way home so for a little while I had two sleeping children--what bliss!

[jrabbit]

it's been a couple days since i checked in ... i am exhausted. i drove for the first time today. Took Zoe to the store i used to own - to shop for cloth diapers. i bought a buttload (I realized the other day that i only have newborn diapers!)

i saw several people i know at the store, and that was hard on me because i haven't told people about the c-s. I am also really freaked out about germs, which is very unusual for me. and i don't want people touching or holding her. they want me to come back and work, but i don't want to.

well, Zoe isn't happy, and i have diapers to wash now!
--janis

[juneau]

Hooray for new diapers and hooray for getting out. I'm sorry you're feeling so exhausted.

I know what you mean about having people touch the baby. I'm still freaked out about it, too. Someone came up to her at church and touched her hand and said, "Oh, you just have to touch babies." (And I bit my tongue but I so wanted to say, "Oh, no you don't!!") Grrr!

At the same time, I do really want to get out. So it's a bit of a dilemma. I have been putting her in a sling or wrap most of the time and that deters people -- a bit, anyhow.

[hockeylover]

Erika, Congratulations on the birth of Juicy. I was wondering why I didn't know and comment on your great news in my last post and realized we posted 4 minutes apart so I never saw it until now. I'm so happy that it was total smooth sailing and it was an easy birth. No, Juicy will never, nor should he, replace Arthur and Erk, but as I'm sure we've stated before, at least he gives you a focus to give all your incredible love. And you know that your sweet babies are looking over you and Juicy.

Juneau, I'm sorry about Juneau the rabbit and I didn't know the details of Daniel. I can't imagine that "choice" you had to deal with. Obviously, you have it all in perspective and it makes Eliza that much more precious. My deepest thoughts are with you.

Erika and Juneau, thanks for sharing your pictures. Not only are your babies simply beautiful, but it's great to see what you both look like as well.

I haven't made the changeover to cloth yet but I will. I have to hit up my friend Lisa to walk me through all the options. I also have to bookmark all the links you all posted before the thread disappears. When we figure out where we're "moving" so we can keep this going, I'll let you know how it all goes.

The girls had their 7 week appointment last week. We're a little off because of all the other weight gain issues so they wanted to see us 3 weeks after the last even though it wasn't officially 2 months yet. Maya weighs 8 pounds 2 ounces. Hayden 7 pounds 10 ounces. She hasn't gained a full pound yet. Maya is in the 5th percentile and Hayden's not really on the charts but they're on the uptick so that's all good. DD #1 was in the 80-90th percentile in height and weight so it's funny to have these two on the complete opposite side of the scale. They're doing well though. Starting to sleep at slightly longer stretches and starting to smile.

Hope you all had a great Valentines Day. At least we had someone new to love and that's a good thing. That and chocolate.

[juneau]

Hi Juls, nice to hear from you. I'm sorry your girls are gaining so slowly; I'm sure it's concerning you. Did you have any trouble nursing dd1? Have you tried to get before- and after-nursing weights to see how much they are taking in?

My dd2 has either gained 2 lbs or 1 1/4 lbs, depending on the scale (lactation consultant or pediatrician).

We had a rough night last night. Dd2 did fine except that she threw up (without waking up!) at 2, 3, and 4 a.m. Of course, I woke up. Meanwhile, dh left at 7 a.m. for work. Dd1 slept late, till 10 a.m., then threw up all over her bed when she woke up. It was 11:30 a.m. before I had breakfast, 1 p.m. before I got a shower, and at 4 p.m. I just finished lunch. Ugh.

[doulamomvicki]

Our Edie Mae is here!

NAK Hey everyone! It looks like we have some babies :::! And VM I am so happy for you :::!

I am so sorry I have been mia for a awhile. I started to have some problems with the pregnancy (blood clots, pre-term labor and other bs) and I found myself getting a little crazy looking up things on the internet, obsessing about losing the baby, having her too early and such. So, I kept myself off the net except for email.

Anywho, it all ended well. We had her on January 25th at the hospital. Her birth was amazing - 3 hour labor, 3 pushes and she was out. DH and I feel so blessed. My ob wasn't on call but the ob who delivered dd1 17 years ago was on - she was amazing! I told her she is a midwife posing as an md. She let me stand while pushing, allowed intermitant EFM, pretty much gave me a birth center birth in the hospital. Edie was 8lbs 6 oz and is now 10lbs 4 oz. She nurses all day and sleeps 3 - 4 hours at a stretch at night. She has been such a peaceful baby.

I feel so joyful for myself and all of you wonderful mamas! Just like Erika said, I feel like I won something:

[juneau]

Hooray Vicki! We've missed you! And another girl for our bunch! I'm so glad you had such a great birth after a worrisome pregnancy. And a big and healthy baby too -- I for one would love to see pictures.

:::

[wvmommy]

juls, thank you! and please, let's talk about cloth diapers. i'm trying to make decisions about this myself and i am so freaking flummoxed. i'm thinking contours and covers? i wonder which are best??

vicky, congratulations! it's sounds like you had a great birth experience: what a blessing!

me and juice are doing well. and i did name him juice. juice josiah (ho-siah), josiah meaning 'jevhovah has healed'. i just couldn't change his name after all this time. even my family didn't want me to change it and they aren't weird like me.

mommy to arthur, erik
AND baby juicy!!! born 2-5-09
erika