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Baby Momma drama - I need a reality check - Page 2

Poll Results: Is it reasonable to expect DH & I to love DSS like we love our own?

 
  • 58% (35)
    Yes
  • 41% (25)
    No
60 Total Votes  
post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 
Oh, you are right there. We are or should be separate. I guess since we've both known him the exact same length of time it's not quite the same as the usual situation.
post #22 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I can't vote . . . I wouldn't expect you to love a step-son the way you love your own children, but I would expect your husband to love any child of his own as much as he loved any others.

If it were my partner, I would lose a lot of respect for him if he decided to give up on his own child . . . to the point that our relationship would quite likely end.
I know where you are coming from. Those are pretty much the same sentiments we entered into this whole thing with. We loved our son so intensely, instantly. I think DH thought it would be the same.

When the child you have raised becomes difficult, and unpleasant, you have all these reserves of oogly googly memories that help you gloss over them. In your mind they are still your baby. The love for your baby took root in the warm spring of infancy and can now withstand any storm.

I think there are some really special people out there who can adopt older children and not need that early connection to survive the difficult years. They amaze me.
post #23 of 28
Wow, you definitely have my sympathy -- what a disaster! And the poor kid! I can't even imagine.

As far as loving him like your own: I voted no. I think it's best to never expect or try to love two people the same way. Love him as he is, in the best way you can. Love him for him. Don't fret trying to make it feel the exact same as the children you both know and love and have raised since birth. It won't be the same, but you don't have to rank them, either. Just love them all.


And, I think your grouping of you and DH together does make sense. You both met the child at the same time, so he has no special insights or bond with the kid -- just shared DNA. I think you both have an obligation to care for DSS and love him the best you can.

And you really *must* dissociate your feelings about him from those you have for his mother -- she's not his fault.

Best of luck to your whole family.
post #24 of 28
you know, what I'm hearing here is that you're really the one left holding the bag. Your husband's mental health is fragile, everything's gone down the toilet, the problems with this kid and his mom won't go away, and you have your own children to worry about. That makes you the one holding everything together and trying to buffer your husband's world so he doesn't fall apart again.

Which sucks. And I'm sure you're worn out.

Since you're the resident grownup in this picture, you're entitled to set some limits. Mom is freaky, cut her off. Parenting schedule is impossible, file for or make a change you can actually live with, but which gives the kid reasonable time with his dad.

As for his dad...he may be feeling like a failure, he may be feeling like it's all too much, he may be feeling like he shouldn't have to deal with these miseries. But he needs to be talking with some people who can help him see that this is his responsibility and it's not the kid's fault, so it's time to get over who his mother is. I cannot begin to tell you some of the creepy-crawly feelings I have about my daughter's dad. Yes, I see his mannerisms in her and hear his phrases. Doesn't matter. She's my kid, and she's not just her father.

Not everyone has warm feelings for their children, by the way. Infants leave a pretty substantial group of women cold, and some women find they don't really like the kids until they get to be school-aged, or even adults. What do they do? Get up and feed the baby, rock the baby, sing to the baby, change the baby...you get the picture. Doesn't matter how they feel; there's a responsibility.

In the end, I'd say that this is essentially not your problem. This is your husband's problem. It's his job to develop the relationship and find a way to be there for the boy, and bring him into your family, though I do understand the difficulty given depression. (There are some excellent parenting-while-depressed programs out there, btw.) I'd say your role would be to support him in that, though not to the point of being an adjunct therapist. Beyond that, though, what he does will, I'm sure, affect how you view him.

Meanwhile, someone for you to talk with regularly might be a good idea. Being married to someone prone to depression is hard enough; doing that, raising kids, going through bankruptcy, and dealing with Nightmare Stepkid Situation is just all too much. I hope there's a good therapist in the picture.
post #25 of 28
Gosh! Just many hugs. Sometimes it is really sad the obstacles we are given to get through...

I think Mama41 had a really good idea about you guys having someone to talk to... family counseling may be helpful in this situation.

I feel for everyone in this situation. But I think PP's are right... you need to separate the Mom from the child... the child definitely needs some type of a stable love from someone. It isn't his fault what his life has been like, and he needs help and nurturing to hopefully grow into a wonderful young man. He isn't going to get there on his own.

There are plenty of us Step-Moms who are not so fond of the bio-Moms... but we all seem to love the children a lot. It can be separated... some children are hard to love, but they still need that love to help them, and when they are older, they will likely appreciate it. It may take years, but eventually they will grow and mature too and realize which adults helped them.

Try to stay strong Mama and do what you must to release the negative energy from this situation.
post #26 of 28
I also think you should separate your feelings about your stepson from his mom. My Dss is a very difficult child and I have chosen to love him, not like him all the time, but love him. He is my darling Dh's only child. Do I love him like I do my own children or my grandchild? Nope. It is more like the way a benevolent aunt feels about a very disturbed nephew. Your Dh is in a very bad position and I can understand why both of you are having a horrible time dealing. Don't take calls or texts from bio mom as pps have said. You are not her business. Counseling would be great if you can afford it, or if not, some churches have free pastoral counseling for families. Your Dh could choose to pay the cs and not have visitation if it is too disturbing for you all. The child lived without Dh before and could do so again if his behaviour and attitude are that horrible. However, my heart tells me that he needs his dad and that connection even if it is a faulty one.
post #27 of 28
I just wanted to offer a
I'm so sorry your family is going through this and it must be truly hard for that little boy I agree with the counseling, it may help and it couldn't hurt to try.
post #28 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
No way. Families are not based solely on genetics. Relationships, especially parent-child ones, take time to nurture and grow. It is unreasonable to think this would happen just because of finding out you are related to someone. But stable, respectful relationships with all involved should be the goal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by violet_ View Post
Wow, you definitely have my sympathy -- what a disaster! And the poor kid! I can't even imagine.

As far as loving him like your own: I voted no. I think it's best to never expect or try to love two people the same way. Love him as he is, in the best way you can. Love him for him. Don't fret trying to make it feel the exact same as the children you both know and love and have raised since birth. It won't be the same, but you don't have to rank them, either. Just love them all.

And, I think your grouping of you and DH together does make sense. You both met the child at the same time, so he has no special insights or bond with the kid -- just shared DNA. I think you both have an obligation to care for DSS and love him the best you can.

And you really *must* dissociate your feelings about him from those you have for his mother -- she's not his fault.

Best of luck to your whole family.
:

to both those quotes
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