Oh, you are right there. We are or should be separate. I guess since we've both known him the exact same length of time it's not quite the same as the usual situation.
post #21 of 28
5/13/08 at 11:41pm
I can't vote . . . I wouldn't expect you to love a step-son the way you love your own children, but I would expect your husband to love any child of his own as much as he loved any others.
If it were my partner, I would lose a lot of respect for him if he decided to give up on his own child . . . to the point that our relationship would quite likely end.
No way. Families are not based solely on genetics. Relationships, especially parent-child ones, take time to nurture and grow. It is unreasonable to think this would happen just because of finding out you are related to someone. But stable, respectful relationships with all involved should be the goal.
Wow, you definitely have my sympathy -- what a disaster! And the poor kid! I can't even imagine.
As far as loving him like your own: I voted no. I think it's best to never expect or try to love two people the same way. Love him as he is, in the best way you can. Love him for him. Don't fret trying to make it feel the exact same as the children you both know and love and have raised since birth. It won't be the same, but you don't have to rank them, either. Just love them all.
And, I think your grouping of you and DH together does make sense. You both met the child at the same time, so he has no special insights or bond with the kid -- just shared DNA. I think you both have an obligation to care for DSS and love him the best you can.
And you really *must* dissociate your feelings about him from those you have for his mother -- she's not his fault.
Best of luck to your whole family.