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So sad (pregnancy term. mentioned)

post #1 of 57
Thread Starter 
(I am a long term member hiding behind this identity because I am ashamed of what I've done )

I don't know where to go from here or how to heal. It has been months and some days I still feel raw. I have a six year old child whom I love more than life. I went through a hellish post-partum depression and was diagnosed with bipolar. I went on meds. I spent several years getting ready to go through another pregnancy. I really wanted a sibling for my child, and I also wanted another baby to hold. I knew it might be hard, but I was so determined.

I got pregnant and immediately fell apart. The pregnancy-safe meds didn't seem to be working. I was thrown back into full-blown depression with tons of anxiety thrown in for good measure. Maybe even post-traumatic stress disorder. In short, I was a complete mess. It was the holidays and I couldn't get an appt with my pdoc or my family doc. I was in a panic, and honestly I wasn't myself at all. I was paranoid and afraid for my life (if you don't have bipolar, I'm sure this sounds completely crazy).

My husband was so scared watching me go through this, and after several days (and unable to get help), I scheduled an abortion. This is NOT something I would normally agree with. I sobbed hysterically at the clinic and they nearly refused to do it because I was such a mess.

Now it has been months and I am completely heart broken. My husband had a vasectomy because he is terrified to ever go through that experience again. I hate myself and I feel deep guilt every day. I killed my baby. The one I desperately wanted. I'm on medication, but I am still so depressed. No one in my family knows what happened. And now I am dealing with 2 close family members who are due with babies exactly when I should be having mine.

My child is 6 and growing up more every day. I cry so much knowing I'll never hold a baby again. I had my chance. I don't know what to do. I fear this is going to kill me.
post #2 of 57
I am so sorry for your pain
post #3 of 57
you did the best you could at the time
post #4 of 57
I am so sorry you're in so much pain.
post #5 of 57
I am so sorry mama. Have you talked to someone other then here? A real live person?
You need to try and be easy on yourself. Depression and anxiety are so hard to handle (I have PPD and anxiety myself).

Much love

post #6 of 57
So much love to you, dear, sweet mama. I also have BPII and suffered from horrific PPD after the birth of my 2nd child.

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time with this. I had something happen that I am not comfortable talking about on here right now, but it involved my kids, my divorce, and what was the best I could do at the time. It took me 4 years to deal with it, cope with it, forgive myself, and finally, finally, realize that I did the best I could AT THE TIME.

That's the place you need to get to, and then you will be able to begin to heal. It can be a hard road, a very hard road, but you can get there.

PLEASE pm me to talk if you ever need. I understand what it's like to have the anxiety and paranoia that can come with BP. I can understand the panic and the feelings you had that made it a necessary decision for you AT THE TIME. It's so hard sometimes to have an illness like BP, it's so hard to let go of hating that it is part of you that you cannot fix, like somehow a part of you is broken. It is and it isn't but people who don't have it don't get it, and it's so freaking hard.

I am hurting for you,
post #7 of 57
You did what you believed was best for you and your family. You made the best choice you could at the time.

I am so sorry for the grief and pain you are feeling now. I hope that in time, your heart will heal.
post #8 of 57
I wish you peace and healing, brokenheart.
post #9 of 57
Your life was in danger. It was hard, but you helped to preserve your family. I hope nobody judges you negatively for that .
post #10 of 57
It's okay to grieve a baby that was lost through an abortion, even if in the same circumstances you would do it again. Have you checked out www.afterabortion.com ? It is a non-religious site for women suffering from post abortion trauma.
post #11 of 57
I'm so sorry I terminated babies that I wanted also because it was what was best for my family. It just happened on March 14th. You just have to be there and capable to parent that child that is here, no matter what. If you are unable to care for your child or be sane, what are you supposed to do? The reason that I terminated was that I couldn't care for my children while carrying a such a high risk pregnancy. It haunts me everyday and I'll never feel right with it, but I know that I did what I could for my family.

It really helped to talk with people about it. Hiding the feelings make them feel worse. I told my friends and nobody shunned me. I even told my pro-lifer mother and she supported me even though she was crushed. It really, really helped to talk. If you can't find a friend to talk with, talk to a counselor. You have no reason to feel ashamed. You are not alone and it's not just irresponsible teens who have to go through this. Loving mothers have to make these decisions too.

post #12 of 57
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
you did the best you could at the time
Exactly this.
post #13 of 57
I hope you find peace. No judgment here.
post #14 of 57
I don't know what to say, mama. I wish you peace and strength.
post #15 of 57
I have no words. I just wish I was there to hold you.
post #16 of 57

Deep peace to you
post #17 of 57

I am so sorry . . . I have struggled with bipolar disorder in the past, and I know how frightening it can be. I truly hope you have someone you can turn to to help you heal. Peace be with you, mama.
post #18 of 57
I am sorry the clinic went ahead with it when you obviously were not in any shape to concent.
post #19 of 57
I'm sorry for the loss of your dream baby. I totally understand how you came to the decision you did. Please be gentle with yourself at this time. We care about you .
post #20 of 57
I wish you peace and healing...it will take a long time to get there, but some day it won't be as raw. Reach out for help...it's not an easy road to go down alone. You are in my prayers...
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