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So sad (pregnancy term. mentioned) - Page 2

post #21 of 57

Peace and healing to you. You did what you felt was best for your family, so you acted from a place of love.
post #22 of 57
I'm so sorry you went through and continue to go through this mama. You sound absolutely heart broken.
post #23 of 57
Peace to you.....
post #24 of 57
Thread Starter 
Thank you for your replies everyone. I agree that I acted the only way I felt I could at the time. Part of my guilt is that I no longer feel that I can be a good mom to my child. I am so wracked with sadness that I don't even want to try most days. Thank God for my husband. He is practically like a single dad right now.

I feel taunted by life. Everywhere around me (literally everywhere) there are excited people looking forward to new babies, or currently enjoying their babies. I can't escape it. It is in my face all day at work and it is even in my close family. Celebrations. Joy. And then there is me. My stomach lurches at every thought/mention of these babies. How ironic that my own brother will be welcoming his first baby three days after what should have been my due date. And I will be in charge of that baby shower.

I never ever again will be able to experience these things myself. I know it may sound silly, but I had so many plans. I saved all the little baby clothes. I had researched midwives. Etc, etc. Now I have to listen (and pretend to be happy) while all these pregnant woman talk endlessly about these things I will never again have.

I feel like my soul is crushed. My DH says I need to accept it and be thankful for my one child. I can't explain this...but I just can't seem to accept it. In fact, looking at my child is painful. I'm reminded that they will never have a sibling (thanks to me). That they are growing up and far past the baby stage. In only a few short years I'll have a teenager. I just feel sick most days and I seriously don't want to go on. Why did I get myself into this mess.
post #25 of 57
brokenheart, more hugs for you. Can you just tell your brother that you are very sorry but you cannot be in charge of the baby shower? I know that is not the biggest thing here by far, but it is something that you have some control over.
post #26 of 57
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you find some healing for yourself and for your family.
post #27 of 57
you're in a tough spot and i feel for you. i think i've heard that when you lose a child, you never get over the pain, but if you can let the pain be with you, and learn to live with it, it can feel better with time. i'm praying for your peace.
post #28 of 57
I would encourage you to seek professional help to process your feelings of grief and loss. It is not unusual for people to need a year or two to reach an emotional equilibrium after a bereavement, which is what you went through.

I wonder why you feel that your child can never have a sibling. I have friends who have adopted children after having biological children. Can you and your husband open your minds to the possibility that you may one day adopt a baby, or even an older child? That way you would not have to go off your meds during pregnancy and nursing.

Welcoming a child into your family through adoption is just as much of a miracle as birthing a baby. I am not saying that you should rush out and do this now, but I hope you will consider it after seeking treatment for depression.

Your brain is telling you that you can never have another baby and your six-year-old can never have a sibling, but that just isn't true.
post #29 of 57
Originally Posted by MaryJaneLouise View Post
Your life was in danger. It was hard, but you helped to preserve your family. I hope nobody judges you negatively for that .
I agree with this.
I'm so sorry for your pain.

I am one of those people for whom pregnancy triggers very severe depression. I almost didn't make it through my 2nd pregnancy for many reasons. If my mental health situation had gotten to the level that yours seems to have, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Nobody can understand that until they have been there.
post #30 of 57
No words but many .
post #31 of 57
Peace mama. Peace.
post #32 of 57
I'm scared for you, mama. Please get help. I know you feel bleak and hopeless. It isn't always going to feel as dreadful as it feels right now. Don't sacrifice your life to this feeling. You've been through a trauma, and you need help to heal, but you CAN heal. You can. You have within you an amazing strength. nehug
post #33 of 57
So sorry. Allow yourself to greive, unashamed. No judgment here, only love. And respect for your ability to act, to have spared your son & husband the pain of losing you, in the midst of so much frantic pain.

You are a woman. Flawed and perfect, strong and weak, loved and forgiven.
post #34 of 57
, Mama...

When you are ready, there's an excellent organization called Exhale that is a support line for women (and their families, partners, etc.) who have experienced an abortion. I have a former colleague who works for them and they do wonderful work.
post #35 of 57
I'm sorry that you had to make such a tough choice. Be gentle with yourself.
post #36 of 57
Wow, this is a HEAVY subject. So sorry you had to go through this... don't know how it'd feel, but I am right now going through being counselled on "the option" to terminate. We have a baby with Hydrocephalus, ACC (Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum), and a Choroid Plexus Cyst. These conditions *may* be caused by Trisomy 18, T13 or T8. One or two of those are fatal genetic disorders. If the baby has a fatal genetic disorder, we will terminate. I'm 25 weeks pregnant now & am 1 week passed our state's termination limitation, so we'll have to travel. This is a VERY horrible decision to have to make... our pregnancy is VERY much wanted & uneventful otherwise, we're very excited to have a new baby, but just don't think we could deal with a baby that *may* live up to a year or a pregnancy that'll fail close to term. We've had a Fetal MRI to "confirm diagnosis" and next week, we're having an amnio to check for the genetic defects. We would've had the amnio earlier, but my bloodwork came back farely low risk for genetic defects--doesn't mean we aren't that 1:6,000 that could have it.

I have to say that site that someone above mentioned for life after an abortion, is quite nice. I think it'll be very helpful for me in making a decision to terminate. Everyone physically in our life is being VERY supportive of termination. However, some of my Internet friends are NOT supporting termination whether for religious reasons or just positive outlook--that it *may* not be that bad--could be they're just not informed enough on the highly likelihood of what it'll be. We have TWO small ones, so to take care of a seizuring & severely disabled child will not only be VERY financially devastating, but also emotionally & physically exhausting. Not entirely impossible, but what quality of life would this child or our other children have?? I feel like, who am I to judge? But also, I have this knowledge (the u/s, the MRI, the amnio), I should use it. DH thinks it's "a sign" that we found the CP Cyst on the first u/s which led to the follow-up u/s that found the Hydrocephalus & ACC and we were meant to have this knowledge. This is just my thought process that I have to share... hope nobody judges me negatively. If they do, I'm prepared to take it. I will not hide b/c if I were that ashamed of my decision, I just would not terminate. For what it's worth, I don't really feel with 100% certainty that it's the best decision right now, but after the Genetic Counseling & amnio, I have a feeling, I'll be with 100% certainty. I'll probably know by Friday, May 26th with 100% certainty it's the right decision.

I hope this info will help the OP & maybe some other user too shy to speak up who is maybe going through a similiar situation. :

My baby passed sometime after my amnio and my amnio came back with bad results. It is such a relief & a blessing, she is our angel in heaven now. Although, very devastating, we know she's in a better place. God bless you, OP & please try (I know it's hard) to find peace with your decision. You have a beautiful angel baby to look down on you now & you made the best decision in the situation. ;o)
post #37 of 57
You made the best decision that you could at the time.

May time bring you peace and healing.
post #38 of 57
May you find peace and healing.
post #39 of 57
(((HUGS))) Mama - Sending you healing thoughts for your body, mind & soul.
post #40 of 57
Originally Posted by doctormom View Post
You did what you believed was best for you and your family. You made the best choice you could at the time.

I am so sorry for the grief and pain you are feeling now. I hope that in time, your heart will heal.
Yes, exactly. Whoever you are, know that you are supported and not alone.
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