What Do You Think About This?? - Page 8

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel

bigeyes,

I guess I just don't see where the stepmom feeling put upon, like she just can't win, like she's not appreciated, or whatever all else it is you are trying to describe - which all boils down to, the fact that the situation doesn't feel good to her - gets her off the hook for basic supervision and involvement. If the adult's inner personal feelings constitute a legitimate excuse not to provide the basics, how is that not a case of the kid having to earn his care by making the adult feel good? Shouldn't an adult take responsiblility for their own feelings, and for maintaining appropriate boundaries between their inner, adult feelings and their interactions with children, especially children they are having trouble getting close to or have mixed feelings about?

I never said it lets her off the hook. I said she should make sure he gets to the bus stop. And now that I see he asked her to go to the event, yes, she should have gone. That was pretty lousy.

The whole family is dysfunctional, from what I've read in the 2 threads. This kid has been ignored for a long time, and dad feels fine just dumping it all off on the stepmom, who either won't or can't (whichever it is) deal with it. And, that kid is crying out for help, and dad's answer is going to be for someone else to do it. He gets to avoid the mess he created and he has someone to blame when it doesn't get fixed. How convenient for him.:

It's a hell of a lot easier to just never come home and deal with the mess you created than it is to be there, isn't it? That is what makes me think dad is more at fault. If nothing else, stepmom is at least making sure he gets fed and goes to school, however inadequate that is. She's no saint, but she isn't the primary cause of this situation. Everyone in this man's life is aware of how much they matter, I'd bet.

[OhDang]

Well he is very lucky that he didn't get kidnapped, but the kids I nanny for get on the bus by themselves too and they are 8, and 6. The bus stop is ACROSS The street so its not like they are walking a block away. We just all trust them a lot and we have never had any problems.

[flapjack]

Originally Posted by diamond lil

*This is long....I'm sorry*

My 8 year old nephew (the same one who stole $400.00 from me a few weeks ago ) had some type of breakfast/poetry reading thing before school one day last week. He told his parents (Dad and Stepmom) about it and gave them the little info sheet on it. Dad couldn't make it because he starts work early, and nephew's stepmom said she WOULDN'T go because she doesn't like to get out of bed until 8:30 or 9 am. Yes, that's right. She has a new baby and does not work outside the home.

(cuts made by flapjack)

What do you think????? Is an 8 year old old enough to get on a school bus without supervision, or does Stepmom need to get her act together?

Okay. My 9yo went off to school by himself on a public bus (which he takes every other day of the week, all the drivers know us, and is a pretty safe environment for him). He's done it before, in situations when his brother is ill, and he enjoys the responsibility. My 7yo cannot consistently walk from the school gates to his classroom without getting bogged down by something else (eg playing hide and seek, realises he's late, gets embarrassed, stays there rather than be embarrassed) or otherwise distracted. It depends on the child- I get hassle from the school because I know how Isaac is and keep trying to give him opportunities that he isn't ready for, not because I give Alex opportunities that he is.
I don't believe in judging other people, but someone needs to be there for this child on a real, gutsy, honest emotional level, and from the stories you tell this isn't happening for him. It sounds like someone also needs to be there for his stepmum and help her transition more successfully into parenting two, including an older child.

[lisac77]

This kid can't be trusted to walk to the end of his driveway to get on the bus at the age of 8? That's ridiculous (and I'm too lazy to dig up the post, but the OP did say that the bus pick up was at the end of the driveway).

Sometimes parents can't make it to school events. That's just life. There were many times in my childhood when my parents couldn't make it to school events. It is disappointing, but not an overly tragic thing. If this were my child, I would make every effort to go, but in the end if I couldn't make it, I would expect him to follow my instructions to go to school on the bus (or DH's directions if he were the one giving them). I would also take this as a major teachable moment regarding not getting in cars with people you don't know.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel

bigeyes,
That seems remarkably cold. I don't see formal school events as special privileges. It's not like he wanted to go to the arcade to play video games. Arbitrarily refusing to help a kid participate at school is just : : :. I know this because my parents did it to me, and the main effec was always extreme social embarrassment at school, standing out as the one kid who couldn't participate. Or the one kid whose parents aren't there to congratulate them when the performance or whatever is over. Etc etc. It's not like the activities themselves are all that - its about social roles and your place in the world as experienced at the intersection of the kid's two worlds, school and home. For parents to deliberately sabotage these rituals and milestones is sadistic. It feels like, "they not only make our home life hell, but they've got to humiliate me at school, too?!?" When good parents really can't make it to things like that, they feel bad. They bend over backwards to get there, they find a grandma or neighbor to give a ride so at least the kid himself can be there, they take time off work even if they have low-status jobs where that's risky behavior and they can't really afford to lose the hours. Even parents with good excuses don't shrug their shoulders at this stuff. It's not a parent's place to sit back and arbitrarily decide whether they will "allow" their kid to participate in normal school activities. Because then the kid has to face all the other kids at school, who participate as a matter of course, and wonder what makes them different. If you give a kid a message that normal school/community programs and parental involvement in such is a privilege they don't deserve, or have to do something to earn, you set them up for an inferiority complex. I speak from experience.

ETA I also want to add that him trying to walk to school was probably a desperate attempt to salvage his sense of belonging and participation in the school community from his parents' selfish sabotage. To save face, as it were. It's a feeling I know intimately, and it's not pretty. The emotional courage of a child in this situation is noble, but tragic.

Beautifully written.
And from someone who was not allowed to play sports or an instrument or basically participate in any extraciricular activities. No real reason except my parents didn't want to bother. I'm in my 30's and it still makes me a little sad.
(Oh, so guess what I ended up doing after school --- smoking pot. Surprise surprise.)

[diamond lil]

Samll Update!

Wow, I am so impressed that this thread has generated so much discussion. I was unable to read posts Friday and over the weekend due to having a garage sale!

My SIL (nephew's stepmom) helped me run the garage sale and I gently brought up nephew's little escapade. I just wanted to know her side of the story since I only got nephew's dad's side.

According to her, she doesn't always watch nephew get on the bus, but sometimes she does. She wasn't watching that day.

She might be depressed, but I have no medical training and am in no position to diagnose her. Her baby is an angel (according to her). She really is. I hope I have one like her. She does not nurse and has had some reflux issues, but other than that, I asked mom how she's doing with the baby and she said that she is fine, sleeps until 3 am when she needs a feeding and dipe change, and is pretty good all day.

Mom sleeps a lot because baby sleeps a lot. I don't know if that is normal. Baby is 3 months old.

I know she is bored, but she is looking forward to starting some classes so she can get out of the house. PLEASE don't flame her for this decision. She WANTS to get out of the house and I don't blame her. I told her I would help out any way I can.

Dad does not deserve a free pass. I agree with all the posters that this is partly his fault, too. He needs to pay more attention to his kid, but I think he's trying.

This weekend, he bought nephew a new glove and baseball and they threw it around our backyard for a few hours (we have a big backyard, and they come over a lot to play, which I don't mind).

I did call him out on a comment he made to nephew. I might be derailing my own thread with this, so forgive me. I overheard them talking as they were throwing the ball around, Dad giving nephew advice, and so forth. Dad had a problem with the way nephew was holding his glove to catch the ball and actually said to newphew if he continued to hold his glove like that, he was going to hit the kid in the head with the ball on purpose.

Well, I came unglued. I jumped out of my chair and told him if he hit nephew with the ball, I'd set him (dad) on fire. I don't know why I said that, it was just the first thing that came to my mind. Dad backed down right away and immediately apologized and said he was only kidding, but I still don't think it was funny to say that. I'm pregnant and am kinda touchy, so maybe I took it the wrong way, but he definately saw the mama bear side of me. Even my husband was impressed.

So, dad is trying to spend a little more time with his family in general, but he does have a short fuse, which stinks. I also asked my husband to talk to nephew's dad (since they spend so much time together).

Whew! Thanks for reading!

[lilyka]

i was bored to death with my first one. Perhaps taking some classes and getting out will give her more stucture and make her a better mom to both kids.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by diamond lil

Wow, I am so impressed that this thread has generated so much discussion. I was unable to read posts Friday and over the weekend due to having a garage sale!

My SIL (nephew's stepmom) helped me run the garage sale and I gently brought up nephew's little escapade. I just wanted to know her side of the story since I only got nephew's dad's side.

According to her, she doesn't always watch nephew get on the bus, but sometimes she does. She wasn't watching that day.

She might be depressed, but I have no medical training and am in no position to diagnose her. Her baby is an angel (according to her). She really is. I hope I have one like her. She does not nurse and has had some reflux issues, but other than that, I asked mom how she's doing with the baby and she said that she is fine, sleeps until 3 am when she needs a feeding and dipe change, and is pretty good all day.

Mom sleeps a lot because baby sleeps a lot. I don't know if that is normal. Baby is 3 months old.

I know she is bored, but she is looking forward to starting some classes so she can get out of the house. PLEASE don't flame her for this decision. She WANTS to get out of the house and I don't blame her. I told her I would help out any way I can.

Dad does not deserve a free pass. I agree with all the posters that this is partly his fault, too. He needs to pay more attention to his kid, but I think he's trying.

This weekend, he bought nephew a new glove and baseball and they threw it around our backyard for a few hours (we have a big backyard, and they come over a lot to play, which I don't mind).

I did call him out on a comment he made to nephew. I might be derailing my own thread with this, so forgive me. I overheard them talking as they were throwing the ball around, Dad giving nephew advice, and so forth. Dad had a problem with the way nephew was holding his glove to catch the ball and actually said to newphew if he continued to hold his glove like that, he was going to hit the kid in the head with the ball on purpose.

Well, I came unglued. I jumped out of my chair and told him if he hit nephew with the ball, I'd set him (dad) on fire. I don't know why I said that, it was just the first thing that came to my mind. Dad backed down right away and immediately apologized and said he was only kidding, but I still don't think it was funny to say that. I'm pregnant and am kinda touchy, so maybe I took it the wrong way, but he definately saw the mama bear side of me. Even my husband was impressed.

So, dad is trying to spend a little more time with his family in general, but he does have a short fuse, which stinks. I also asked my husband to talk to nephew's dad (since they spend so much time together).

Whew! Thanks for reading!

So her baby DOES have some issues (reflux)

That makes things really hard. She tried to breastfeed and had to stop because of reflux??

It sounds like this Mama has been having a hard time with her babe. She probably just doesn't want to admit it.

I think it sounds like she is doing the best job that she knows how.

If she is seeing your nephew off on the bus some days but not others, it really sounds to me that she is EXHAUSTED on the days that she isn't watching.

Again, not excusing it, but this doesn't make her "Lazy"...esp considering that she came and helped you with a garage sale this weekend....

Honestly she sounds very nice and I think it is interesting that you are requesting that we don;t "flame her" when it really seems like that is what you have done in several posts. Calling her lazy etc...

It sounds like she is really trying....


Like I said before, you may understand better when your babe comes. I am not saying that you have no idea what it is like to have a babe. Just saying that you might have a little more compassion for how hard it can be, esp if babe has reflux or colic. It can get really tough. Reflux is a big deal.



.

[diamond lil]

Originally Posted by dubfam

She tried to breastfeed and had to stop because of reflux??

If she is seeing your nephew off on the bus some days but not others, it really sounds to me that she is EXHAUSTED on the days that she isn't watching.

Again, not excusing it, but this doesn't make her "Lazy"...esp considering that she came and helped you with a garage sale this weekend....

Honestly she sounds very nice and I think it is interesting that you are requesting that we don;t "flame her" when it really seems like that is what you have done in several posts. Calling her lazy etc...

It sounds like she is really trying....


Like I said before, you may understand better when your babe comes. I am not saying that you have no idea what it is like to have a babe. Just saying that you might have a little more compassion for how hard it can be, esp if babe has reflux or colic. It can get really tough. Reflux is a big deal.

She never tried breastfeeding. She thought it was "gross." She regrets that decision now. She worked as an accountant before she got pregnant and has admitted that being pregnant and staying home has made her feel lazy (her words). Being a SAHM is not for her. I totally support her decision and can empathize because I have no plans to stay at home either. She's the only SAHM I know that I've actually felt comfortable enough to ask, "So...what do you DO all day?" and she truthfully replied "Sleep, make bottles, and watch Maury Povich." Gotta love the woman for her honesty.

I love her and she is my friend, I just think it isn't too much to ask that she at least watch to make sure nephew gets on the bus.

Unfortunately, this little family has its share of ups and downs and problems. We are very close-knit and help each other out whenever we can.