What Do You Think About This?? - Page 5

[amitymama]

I think this woman sounds depressed. Sleeping lots, claiming to feel dissatisfied with her situation and bored/alone? She's crying out for help, as far as I'm concerned. Depression can make you incredibly selfish because you barely have enough energy to function and take care of yourself, let alone other people. She might be barely holding it together to take care of her baby and as wrong as it is and I'm sure she knows deep down inside, she just can't add another person's care to her burden. So your nephew is the one who gets the shaft, which is a real shame. He doens't deserve that.

However, I really do think that the dad needs to really step up here. If he's having to work so much to be able to afford for his wife to stay home with the baby but his son is suffering, he needs to recognize that it's not working and either work out a way to arrange childcare for his son or help for his wife.

How old is the baby, btw? Is she breastfeeding? Do you know how long she plans to stay at home for? Also, does she ever attend playgroups? I think she needs some other 'mom friends' to visit with during the day and maybe a new hobby or a part-time job if possible so she isn't feeling so depressed and gets out and about since she's feeling so isolated.

[BelovedK]

Hi, a few posts have been removed. This is a lively conversation. Let's try to keep the UA in mind while posting. If you have an issue with another person's post, either report it to a moderator, or pm the person directly. Mean spirited sarcasm is also against the UA.

Thanks

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by amitymama

However, I really do think that the dad needs to really step up here. If he's having to work so much to be able to afford for his wife to stay home with the baby but his son is suffering, he needs to recognize that it's not working and either work out a way to arrange childcare for his son or help for his wife.

ITA, and would agree whether this was a bio mom or a step mom. Or a sah bio dad or step dad. If the arrangement isn't working, changes need to be made.

And I also agree that she sounds depressed.

[Mandynee22]

Originally Posted by dubfam

I think the point is that this all the Step Mom's responsibility and Dad is off the hook 'cause he's at work. Bottom line, it is HIS responsibility to make sure his son is safe and well cared for.

Bio Dad AND Bio Mom are both dropping the ball, but The Step Mom is the one being made out to be the main person who is failing this boy. How is it that she is MORE responsible for this boy than his own father??

That seems to be getting overlooked, like the Step Mom is the only person at fault. It sounds like she never really agreed to do this, so why is it her responsibility?

And I agree that the whole thing sucks, and I feel just AWFUL for this little boy.


.

I wonder if he knows the extent..?
The step mom isn't all at fault. Obviously dad should be actively parenting but since she is the one home while he's at work then why wouldn't it be expected that she open her eyes long enough to make sure her step son gets on the bus?
And she did agree to do this- she married him, no? That's what happens when you marry into a family.
If dad got custody after she married him- she could have voiced her opinion, she could have left, she could have suggested hiring someone if she couldn't handle it.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Mandynee22

I wonder if he knows the extent..?
The step mom isn't all at fault. Obviously dad should be actively parenting but since she is the one home while he's at work then why wouldn't it be expected that she open her eyes long enough to make sure her step son gets on the bus?
And she did agree to do this- she married him, no? That's what happens when you marry into a family.
If dad got custody after she married him- she could have voiced her opinion, she could have left, she could have suggested hiring someone if she couldn't handle it.

I think the whole point is, you don't know until you're there how you're going to handle it. I know my dsd behaved completely differently when she thought I was a girlfriend she could get rid of than she does now that I'm 'mom.'

IMO, being a single mom to a child of my own was much easier than parenting an angry child who feels abandoned by both of her bio parents. Having a partner who acts like all of the parenting responsibility falls on my shoulders because he escapes into work all the time just adds to my stress level, and it certainly doesn't help with her abandonment issues. I'd be willing to bet a lot of the same things are going on in that household, and dear old dad gets to play the martyr while his wife and children are floundering. Poor me, I work all the time to provide and here I am with this troubled kid and an ungrateful wife, boo hoo.

His wife is isolated and has nobody to talk to except a child she doesn't get along with. His child is misunderstood and miserable and he's not there for him. He gets to leave every day and doesn't have to deal with any of it, and the outside world perceives him as the victim. What a load.

I agree with the PP who said single moms do it all the time, why can't he step up and take on some of the parenting? I worked ridiculous hours when I was a single mom, but when I was off work I still found time to do things with my son. I wonder when the last time was this guy spent time with his son when he wasn't doling out punishment?

The whole family needs help, and dad needs to shoulder some of the blame for creating this problem.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

He gets to leave every day and doesn't have to deal with any of it, and the outside world perceives him as the victim. What a load..

Is anyone saying dad is the victim? The boy is the victim.
Even the op has said that the dad shares the blame.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Is anyone saying dad is the victim? The boy is the victim.
Even the op has said that the dad shares the blame.

The boy is the victim, but the dad sure has garnered a lot of sympathy.

He's an absent father, and I suspect SM is depressed. The boy needs help, but dad most definitely has created this problem and SM just walked into it.
She may have helped make it more dysfunctional, but this was a dysfunctional family long before she came on the scene.

I think quite a few posts have demonized the stepmom and given the dad a free pass. I think he has been avoiding his parental responsibilities for a long time and she's getting blamed because she isn't willing (or able?) to do it all. She may even feel like she has already failed with her stepchild and she's devoting her limited resources to the baby. I know after 4 years of banging my head against a wall if we hadn't started counseling I would have just completely given up. We have no way of knowing just how badly she feels. As someone else earlier said, he's not there when the child leaves for school, or after school, or in the evening, so when is he there? When all of the child care falls on you, nothing goes right, there are unresolved hurts, and your partner is never there, you are going to reach a breaking point where you don't have anything to give anyone else.

The boy is paying the price for everyone else's mistakes. But I believe dad bears most of the blame. When you keep shoving your child off on other people because you don't want to be there, you can't call yourself a parent.

[mrspineau]

Originally Posted by dubfam

You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first. Are you sure she doesn't have PPD?

I have watched many Mama's get overwhelmed in the beginning and make poor decisions as a result of sleep deprivation.

I REALLY think that there could be PPD going on. That will certainly make the most simple little thing seem impossible and overwhelming. If she has PPD this whole situations makes a LOT more sense.

Is she staying up with him now?


.

I heard this over and over from others before I had my baby. And I disagree. Having a baby is exactly what i expected it to be, and for some people, that's how it is. I think that when you marry someone with children you are automatically a parent to their child. no dad is not "off the hook" but if it were his real mom at home alone with him then why would she have any more responsibility to the child than his stepmom? When you become a parent there are some things that you just have to do. to me, it is my responsibility as a sahm to see dh off and to get up in the morning and get things going. if i had an eight year old, part of getting the morning going would be to see him off on the bus. in fact, I think that if you have teenagers you should see them off. its just a nice thing to do.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel

"It's HIS son, HIS responsibility, not hers."

OK, so where's the paid caregiver to watch the kid while he has to be at work?

I suspect that both dad and stepmom would find that a ridiculous question. Obviously, they have arranged that she stays home and does childcare. She just doesn't want to do *too much* childcare. So the kid is expected to essentially take care of himself in developmentally inappropriate ways, and punished when he fails.

When you consent to be the only adult present in a child's environment, you consent to be responsible for that child, period. What if he had gotten hit by a car and killed?

The moral of the story is, if you're inclined to deal with non bio-kids in stingy terms of technical obligation, don't get involved with someone who already has kids of their own.

Amen.

you are responsible for your step kids. and having a new baby does not entitle you to lounge around.

If you don't want to be responsible for your step kids don't marrry someone with children.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by momeg

No one has even mentioned that the kid got into a car with a stranger. That is the truly serious part, in my opinion.

Yes, but it's much more fun to sit here and vilify some woman with a new baby as lazy and uncaring because she doesn't want to be up early in the morning. Because as a woman, and a mother, and stay at home mom, and a step mother, of course she's the one horribly in the wrong if anything isn't going well with a child in the family.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Amen.

you are responsible for your step kids. and having a new baby does not entitle you to lounge around.

If you don't want to be responsible for your step kids don't marrry someone with children.

Do we have proof she's lounging around? Maybe she's literally staring at the walls trying not to crack up.

I say, if you don't want to take care of your own kids and would rather live at work, be honest about it instead of dumping them off on your new wife and letting everyone else criticize her for not being supermom.

Being a stepmom is always easier in theory than in practice, and you never know what you're getting yourself into until you've already made the commitment. PPD and the continued absence of your husband are not necessarily things you've prepared for, or expected.

[thebarkingbird]

the big clue for me is that she says that she's got nothing to do and so she is sleeping. that's not healthy even if it doesn't qualify as bonafied PPD.

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by choli

He's 8. He's capable of getting on the bus by himself, he simply chose not to do so.

I don't think an 8 year old needs to be supervised to get on a bus.

This. I walked to school, a little over half mile at 8 by myself I'm sure the bus stop is closer than that.

However, I think that now they know they cannot trust their 8 year old not to get in a car with a total stranger dad and step mom are aware he needs more supervision. Don't know that I agree with grounding him. I would question my own parenting first, and try to figure out where the breakdown was that my son made such a poor choice.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by thebarkingbird

the big clue for me is that she says that she's got nothing to do and so she is sleeping. that's not healthy even if it doesn't qualify as bonafied PPD.

But does she really not have anything to do, or is she just not able to enjoy doing anything and sleeping is all she wants to do? If you aren't able to leave every day, what better way to get away?

Something isn't right. Either she's depressed and avoiding dealing with her stepson, or they really don't get along at all and she's avoiding him, and his dad already is avoiding him by working all the time.

They need to get into counseling and get it fixed, whatever it is.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by mrspineau

I heard this over and over from others before I had my baby. And I disagree. Having a baby is exactly what i expected it to be, and for some people, that's how it is.

Is your baby colicky or high needs?

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

This. I walked to school, a little over half mile at 8 by myself I'm sure the bus stop is closer than that.

However, I think that now they know they cannot trust their 8 year old not to get in a car with a total stranger dad and step mom are aware he needs more supervision. Don't know that I agree with grounding him. I would question my own parenting first, and try to figure out where the breakdown was that my son made such a poor choice.

Even if your trust your child to get on the bus by themselves, do you trust people not to try to pick them up? That lady could just as easily have been a nut or pedophile. My mom watched us get on the bus until we were in middle school just b/c she was worried about weirdos trying to nab us. I think it's a completely valid worry today too.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Crystal_R

Even if your trust your child to get on the bus by themselves, do you trust people not to try to pick them up? That lady could just as easily have been a nut or pedophile. My mom watched us get on the bus until we were in middle school just b/c she was worried about weirdos trying to nab us. I think it's a completely valid worry today too.

That too. I agree she should make sure he gets on the bus. I don't think she gets a pass on that one, no matter what's going on with her.

[cjanelles]

Nevermind.

[cjanelles]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

The stepson is simply not her responsibility.

I am astonished at all of the posts indicating that this step-mother has no responsibility for this little boy.

He is part of her family--the family she CHOSE to create when she married her husband. This little boy didn't cease to exist just because she had a baby.

It's going to kill her to not sleep in ONE morning out of SEVEN to attend something that is clearly important to this child? Whatever. There is no excuse for this kind of apathy in a parent, step or otherwise, with the exception, possibly of a serious PPD problem.

That said, in the first sleepless months after my youngest was born (last summer), I did my damnedest to make sure I didn't let down ANY of the kids who counted on me, including my older children as well as my nieces and nephews, even if that meant struggling through some bad, early morning recitals.

I simply cannot believe that anyone is sanctioning this woman's clear lack of involvement in her step-son's life. Wow.

[yarngoddess]

WOW- I have only read page 1 and cannot read any more. As such I'm sorry if I say something that's been said over and over, or something that's going to stoke the fire of "discussion"

I,personally, think that StepMom is at fault. She get's up to feed him cereal, so obviously he isn't "self sufficiant" enough to be totally responsible for himself in the morning. She has already gotten up, how much longer could it possibly be until the bus arrived? She could doze in the recliner by the door while he get's ready to go to school, then watch him and go back to bed. I am a sleep a holic. SERIOUSLY. I need sleep, and have been known to sleep at the table while the kids eat. So, I know how hard it is to wake up. This little guy sounds like he needs some interaction in the morning.

As for the comments that this isn't stepmom's job, well I just plain disagree. I think that when you marry the man, you marry the child too. You take on *some* parental responsibility- and getting the boy to school in the morning, while daddy is at work, is one of the responsibity. She has already gotten him cereal, gotten up out of bed and helped him that far... KWIM?? She probably cares for stepson in other ways, why would this be any different. She is responsible for him when his dad is at work. She's the parent that would take care of him if he were sick? Correct?

I'm not even going to talk about the stranger danger thing- that's obvious. I would hope the school talks to ALL the student's about stranger danger, and about walking to and from school, and accepting rides.

IMHO- no child should get themselves off to the buss, when there is a parent home already. Sure, they are capable- but what's the point? SO that we can sleep in? So that we have another 10min to an hour? Kid's can be distracted so easily in the morning, no matter what the age. Heck, I would want someone to talk to in the morning before school- not so they can babysit- but so the kid (regardless of age) has some positive family love before they are off to school.

Very sad, this story. I hope this little guy's family makes some changes. Makes me want to cry, as this is how my Husband's mother was, and is. There is a word for this....it's called, IMHO-mind you, NEGLECT.