Moms of MANY-I need some advice

[transformed]

My kids are 5, 2.5, and 5 months. I know there are those who have WAY more than that but I am having a very hard time managing.


Can you help me understand what yourday looks like with many childern? (MANY MANY children?) And what kinds of challenges do you have and how do you deal with them?

I feel kind of silly with only 3 and struggling like this.

I would really appreciate some advice.

Oh and our house is really really messy right now and I am not sure how to dig out. I am too busy with the kids. (If the house was clean I think we wouldnt be struggling so much but I have at least 20 hours of straight WORK to do. I dont know where to begin.)

My dh told me the other day that I am the only SAHM he knows who doesnt keep the house clean.

[Kessed]

I only have 1 (18 months) - but I babysit 2yo twins and a 4yo.

The only advice I have is planning.

I find that if I wait until we're hungry to think about what to make for lunch - then it becomes chaos. But if I think about lunch at 10am when I'm making their morning snack then things go much more smoothly. I try to have snacks ready 15 minutes and lunch 30 minutes before I think they'll actually be hungry. That way they all eat before the low blood sugar crisis hits. And that really seems to help with mood and temperment.

As for cleaning... I feel silly - but I basically walk behind them cleaning up. That's the only way to 'stay on top' of the mess. One day my DD was having a rough day so I didn't - and it took us the entire weekend to recover.

When I have all 4 kids - our day looks like this:

8:30 - drop off. They run to play in an excited frenzy while I make breakfast. And I make it in shifts. So if we're having eggs and toast - I will make one of those from start to finish first - so that they have get something to eat quick. Our breakfast is either oatmeal (the fast but not instant kind) or scrammbled eggs. I clean up from making breakfast while they eat and I talk to them. I try to eat before they got up - but if I didn't I eat then.

9:00am -they've all finished eating and I load the dishwasher. And I make a snack. I either pack it up to take with us - or I put it in the fridge for later.

9:30 to 10am (departure)- we get OUT of the house. Unless it's really bad weather - we go outside. Sometimes we go for a walk, or to the park - and other times we go to our playgroup. This seems to be the best time for fun outings too - like to the science center. I pack a lunch (like sandwiches if we're going to be out)

11am - snack. If we stuck around the house we come in (picnics are ALOT of work I find). While they eat their snack I make lunch - or plan it to the point of setting out what I'll need. If we're out I feed them what I packed.

12:30 - lunch. Again - if we're home I clean up while they eat. I try hard to only clean the kitchen because then I can still talk and interact with them.

1 - naps... If we're out - we head home and the three toddlers fall asleep in the car. If we're home - I put the 3 toddlers down in the sling one at a time.
*I make supper (or prepare supper, or at least pick what we're having) while they nap. We eat alot of curry and soup because I can start it then and just keep an eye on it for the rest of the day. I also pick up ALL the toys during this time.

3sih - they wake up and have a snack.

3-4:30 - we play inside - unless they are getting owly - then we go out. That seems to solve alot of fighting and bickering if we get out of the house.

***Toys.... After I started watching those 3 kids. We put away 1/2 the toys. I decided that I wanted to be able to completely pick up the playroom in less than 10 minutes. The kids haven't noticed - but I sure have. We also bough a bunch of dresser organizers at IKEA which are the perfect size for toy storage. So each little box has 1 kind of toy - and it's REALLY easy to put things away. Like music stuff in 1, and toys cars in another, and stuffies in another. That sort of thing.

[hubris]

I am not a mama of many, I'm a mama of 3, like you. My boys are 5, almost-3, and 5 mos. So I feel you!!!

Originally Posted by transformed

My dh told me the other day that I am the only SAHM he knows who doesnt keep the house clean.

That, right there, is the thing I think you need to address. Not the clean house, so much, although I know it's nicer to have a clean house. Your DH's attitude is what I mean. My house is also scrungy at the moment. With DS3 being 5 mos old, DH and I are both sleep-deprived. I'm "under the wheels of the bus," as I put it - this is when the lack of sleep, the family upheavals, etc all catch up to me. The one saving grace is that my DH actively parents and does housework. He also understands that right now just surviving through a day is sometimes a miracle.

I don't know how much parenting or domestic work your DH does, but at the very least, it sounds like he has unrealistic expectations and wasn't tactful about them. Can you explain to your DH that you're not abnormal? That it is very, very normal to be overwhelmed right now? And that if he wants a clean house, maybe he could help to make that happen? My DH found some extra time in his schedule last week and used it to come home. He brought coffee and pastries to share with me and then we did a cleaning project. It was the best date he could have given me, really. He has to work this weekend but then he's taking Monday off and what I've asked for - and he will give it - is that he keeps the kids busy all day, checking in with me as the baby needs, so that I can just clean clean clean all day. I'm not trying to brag about him here, just wanted to illustrate that in order for our family to run efficiently, both parents have to work together to care for *our* children and *our* house.

I don't know about you, but once piles start accumulating, it's harder to keep up, and once everything gets disorganized, my mental state goes with it. You should absolutely NOT be expected to bear the entire burden alone, you need support!!

I hope you can crawl out from under the wheels of the bus and get on top of the piles soon. (((hugs))) I'm with you in spirit.

[hockeywoman]

OMG - my DH would catch H-LL from me for saying that. I am not a SAHM, but I am working 1/2 time right now while we're adjusting to our new additions We share 50/50 in all household tasks, and expect the kiddos to clean up if they make an extraordinary mess (i.e. my DD spit her sticky medicine all over the kitchen floor, so she had to sweep and mop the floor with our help). We do the "quiet cleaning" after the DC go to bed and before they wake up in the morning. They also enjoy helping, so they often are vacuuming while we're doing other cleaning in the rooms. Everyone but DD-2 puts away their own laundry - we have dirty and clean baskets for each room. That makes it much easier on whoever is washing/folding.

A lot of times, we live day by day. Our house is not "showroom clean" but it is liveable and not disgusting.

Maybe you could start by tackling your room first, and then slowly other rooms, rather than just being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work?

We do advance meal planning - I start supper before I leave for work in the afternoon if we're having a crockpot dinner, otherwise I put everything together for DH to cook when he gets home from work. We also do regular "leftover" nights, where we get a hodgepodge of what is leftover in the refrigerator or freezer. Lunches are quick - sandwiches, salads, etc. But right now it's only me and DS for lunch. Work lunches are always leftover whatever for DH (and myself when I go back full time).

Parenting is a 2 person job - so hopefully you can get DH to understand that. WOH is not an excuse to not parent your children or do household tasks. If you're staying home with the children during the day, your PRIMARY job is to take care of the children and their needs, NOT have a sparkling clean house and everything put in its place when the WOH parent comes home every day!

[Mama_Leah]

Well, I have four kids (oldest is almost 8, youngest is almost 2) and my house is always at least "messy" and lots of times "I hope no one comes over or I will die!"
I homeschool so that leaves even less time for cleaning. I'm working my way out of a slump right now, I was pretty depressed throughout the winter and I let things pile up. I have to deal with it now though because I really hate my house being dirty. Messy I can handle but dirty I can't.

BUT, my house has been very clean and stayed that way for quite awhile until something happens to cause it to pile up (like a 3 day migraine!) Here are some things I think that help:

Have a few specific clean up times, like right after lunch and vacuum and sweep right before hubby comes home.

Make your kids help. My almost 2 yr old loves to get laundry out of the dryer and pick up toys if I give her a basket. Your five year old can dust; baby wipes work great for cleaning the tv or end tables and they are non-toxic.

When mine were all really young like yours I would pick one tougher job that I could do in 30 min.- an hour and do that during nap time.

If you have a dishwasher unload it right away. Show your kids where to put their cups and plates and do it as soon as you are through eating. You might have to help the 2 yr old but it will become a habit eventually.

When you're doing laundry get it out of the dryer and fold it right there. Put it away if you have time but if you don't at least the job is halfway done.

Wipe down the bathroom when you get out of the shower. I've have cleaned the mirror with a sock off the top of the hamper.
The humidity makes it so that everything just wipes right up.

Little things like this really help a lot, or at least they did me. My mom, also a mother of four, always reminds me: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!"

Also I think your husband needs to be a little more realistic. All these other SAHM's, does he just stop by their house in the middle of the day and check out how clean it is or is he just going by what he sees when they invite you over? Plus, with you having a young baby he should be helping more. Maybe see if he will take a weekend to help with some of biggest things that are overwhelming you and then you will be more free to concentrate on maintenance. And a quote for him: "Cleaning house while the kids are growing is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing!"

Hang in there, it gets easier!

[mumm]

I don't have many answers but want to ask a question.

When you go to another person's home and it is cluttered, or has toys about, a pile of unfolded laundry in sight, dinner prep out, homework half done, etc, what do you think?

I think- "Great, another person who has their priorities straight! They have real interests and a busy life. They have enough confidence to know I won't judge them by their house." And when I go to a meticulous home I think "what a crock. They must have someone in twice a week to clean. How can they do anything in a house like this?" But, when it comes time for me to have someone stop by, I spend time picking up for them because I care too much what they think.

Cleanliness and neatness are not the same. I try to keep my home clean, but it is messy because it is small and we have interests beyond looking like a magazine. I understand the need for a certain bit of order or it becomes unlivable.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by transformed

My dh told me the other day that I am the only SAHM he knows who doesnt keep the house clean.

You should tell your dh that if he has the time to visit the home;s of other SAHMs to inspect their standards, then he has the time to get his butt home and help you with your household.

[IfMamaAintHappy]

Im sorry your DH says that. I dont seem to have the gene that comes with being burdened to have a clean house at the end of every day so that when I wake up everything is ready for the day. I know a LOT of women who pick up the floors in their house every nighht after the kids go to bed and their dishes are done and put away and the counters are clean and the floor is swept.

It doesnt happen here most days, if at all.

My day is busy with 4. I have an 8 yr old, a 5 yr old, a 2 yr old, and a 6 month old. I dont sit down much. I tell people after 2 kids you feel more like a plate spinner.. you are always moving and keeping things moving. As far as what my day looks like, we stay busy outside the house too..

Monday Grace has drama from 3-430
Tuesday Felicity has preschool 9-12
Wednesday we have bible study 945-1145
Thursday Felicity has preschool 9-12 and Grace and Lily have gymnastics 12-1
Friday we have homeschool co-op 9-12

We have playdates some afternoons, we homeschool most mornings. The girls have chores that I sometimes ride them to do.

Mumm: I totally agree with your post and assessment. There are some people I clean for, some I tidy for, and some I let just come over.

[transformed]

I have never been a particularly "clean up" person, when I was young, my mom would always come and rescue me from my room.

I do have a cleaning lady but its the picking up thats an issue. Right now I have at least 15 hours of straight picking up and organizing to do. Its like a bomb went off. (And to some extent, a bomb did-baby born 5 mo ago and the cabinets being refaced by dh 1 week ago and every inch of dish I have is covered in dust.)

Generally the day or 2 before the cleaning lady comes is spent in crazy pick up and ignore the kids mode.

Because neither one of us picks up after ourself very well.

I feel exausted!

[transformed]

PS-I think my dh is going by

1. Tv
2. What his co-workers say
3. when he has visited the house of someone who was expecting him.

[raleigh_mom]

Given the age of your kids, I think you may as well have 10 kids. I'm impressed you can put full sentences together while taking care of them all day!

Hang in there, mama!

[tex.mom]

Originally Posted by hockeywoman

Maybe you could start by tackling your room first

I think I'd start with tackling my dh first, if he said that!

My kids are 4, 3, 19 mos. My day revolves around their day right now, but that's fine. I feel like we're barely finishing breakfast and then it's snacks, then lunch, then naps, snacks again, then I'm already making dinner...by the time I'm done with that, it's bath time, and the nighttime routine takes like 2 hours! Other than embracing your crock pot (make dinner while they nap), I actually don't have advice. I do let the bulk of housework slide till the weekend when dh can spend some "quality time" with the kids, so it's never done. But I'm *trying* to remember to just relax and enjoy this time. Like dh tends to remind me, I always wanted a house full of kids--and I got what I wanted!

[aihcalappa]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

You should tell your dh that if he has the time to visit the home;s of other SAHMs to inspect their standards, then he has the time to get his butt home and help you with your household.

:

[phathui5]

My kids are 7, 4, 2, and 9 months. We generally have 1-4 extra kids around during the day, depending on what day it is. While it's subject to change, our day goes something like this:

Breakfast for kids, mom exercising
Mom breakfast and email
Breakfast cleanup, dishes, rotate laundry, kids clean playroom for 5 minutes
Homeschooling (60-90 min)
Outside play for kids, mom cleaning 10-15 min
Lunch
Cleanup lunch stuff, do some more straightening up
More schoolwork for ds1, read to dd and ds2
Naps for kids who will do it
Maybe a short video, Muzzy or Magic School Bus
Kids playing outside, mom on computer
Everyone cleaning together for 10-15 min
Dinner
Dinner cleanup, dishes, laundry again
Reading/Bible/pray with kids
Teeth brushing, get everyone off to bed
Dh and I hanging out
Look over my schedule/ to-do list for tomorrow
Us to bed

One thing I struggle with is the sheer volume of "I want's" and "I need's." I want a large family, I get that it comes with the territory, but it can be a lot sometimes.

Tip: Something that works really well for me is to set a timer for 10 minutes, pick a room of the house and clean as hard as I can for those 10 minutes. Usually ds1 and dd can keep the baby distracted for that amount of time (or I do it when he's asleep). After 10 minutes, the room looks better, I feel better and I figure it was better than nothing. Over the couse of a day I can usually work in 3-5 of these sessions.

[mommy2abigail]

I'm not a mom of many (yet!) but I nanny, so on any given day there are 4 kids under 3 over here, two of those being infants (3 months old) who need lots of one on one care (feeding/changing/holding/ect) Sometimes I even have the bigger sister, (6) like today. While I know it's WORLDS apart from having 4-5 kids of my own, I've learned a lot caring for so many kids everyday.

Simplify. Toys, food, everything.
I have fewer toys now than when it was just dd. The kids really do play with each other more, and the toys I keep are more so that the parents think I have SOME toys. Anything with a million pieces usually doesn't last long. Puzzles and games with little parts go on a high shelf. The kids are always allowed to have them, they just have to ask first. It helps me to know when they are out. We have 'bins' for toys in the same category: Instruments, dress up, tools, dolls, kitchen, ect. Arts and crafts are usually dont outside in the back yard on a plastic picnic table. I don't care if paint or glue spills, and clean up is easy with a hose. We generally do messy crafts (paint) first thing in the morning, and then all get hosed off and jump in the pool.
Regarding food. I have a few things that I make for breakfast and lunch and rotate them. So, for breakfast, I have 3 'menus' I plan, scrambled eggs and toast, oatmeal or cereal, and waffles. On Sundays, I make 3 chicken breasts, a pot of rice, a pot of steamed veggies, and a pot of noodles (we like the whole wheat spiral kind). That food lasts me for a week, and I don't have to scramble around trying to make something at the last minute with kids screaming at me. My 5 lunch menus are:
Monday: Chicken and rice with veggie
Tuesday: Pasta with tomato sauce
Wednesday: Picnic day chicken salad sandwiches and celery/carrots with dip
Thursday: Chicken, rice and veggies again
Friday: Chicken noodle soup, using the remainder of the veggies/noodles/chicken I have

Snacks are easy, either fruit or yogurt. Now that it is summer, I've started making smoothies too, out of fruit, yogurt, and a bit of juice.


As for the cleaning, sigh. I wish there was an easier way. We have all tile and hardwood, and 2 big dogs and a cat. The hair really accumulates quickly, so I vacuum and mop every day. I've just come to realize that it's what has to be done, and I stopped getting frustrated about the mundane tasks that have to be repeated every. single. day. I figure if I just accept the fact that every day, I have to at LEAST 1. Vacuum, 2. Mop, 3. Do dishes/clean kitchen, 4. Cook, and 5. Do a load of laundry, life is so much easier. I try to do it while the kids are playing with each other, that way their nap time is also a rest time for me. I value MY time, even if it's only 20 minutes. I need that to be recharged, and if I don't have that time, I can really feel myself getting less and less patient. HTH

[aihcalappa]

Originally Posted by mumm

When you go to another person's home and it is cluttered, or has toys about, a pile of unfolded laundry in sight, dinner prep out, homework half done, etc, what do you think?

I think- "Great, another person who has their priorities straight! They have real interests and a busy life. They have enough confidence to know I won't judge them by their house." And when I go to a meticulous home I think "what a crock. They must have someone in twice a week to clean. How can they do anything in a house like this?" But, when it comes time for me to have someone stop by, I spend time picking up for them because I care too much what they think.

.

^This is me. I really feel for you, OP. Mine are 5, 3 and 6 months old. I have a heckuva time keeping up with them, let alone cleaning.

[flapjack]

Transformed, you need to have less stuff. When my DH says this kind of stuff to me, i do warn him that he's going to be the first casualty in a declutter. He gets the point quite quickly.
My day (honestly) 6am-8.15- get everyone out of the house. This includes turning on the dishwasher, which is loaded the night before, taking dishes out of the dishwasher and washing them by hand after it's been turned on so the kids can have cereal, ironing shirts for DH, making FIL's breakfast, etc, etc. Theoretically the kids put their breakfast dishes in the d/w, in practice? It's still running.
Twice a week we go straight out after the school run, the other three days we take it as we come. On an "at home" day, I'll put the hoover over the floor before I let the kids out of the buggy, unless someone is fussy. It takes five minutes. I stick a load of laundry in as well, then get some toys out. Our toy storage isn't adequate, but we don't have huge amounts of stuff. Play, eat lunch (generally a modified ploughmans, bread, cheese and salad, unless we have something else we'd rather eat), quiet time. Afternoon school run starts at 3pm, and from then until the end of the day is chaos and I just let it be. Food gets on the table somehow- dinner would be much more balanced nutritionally if I did more work earlier in the day- and the dishwasher is loaded with pans as I serve. You'll notice that the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded from this mornng yet, and I didn't miss that bit out. I'm just a failure. The washing machine hasn't been unloaded either, and I didn't miss that out either. Then bedtime, and I breathe out. 15 minutes spent clutter-busting (because god forbid you put your shoes away when you take them off, put your rubbish in the bin, etc, etc.) and then I get the evening to myself. Or to finish off jobs that I should have done and didn't, like folding laundry, etc, etc. DS3 sleeps, though, so I'm lucky there, though his naps are a bit unpredictable atm.
So, this is my day. You can see where I should be working smarter, right? Following tasks all the way through and not getting distracted, and sorting dinner out earlier. The laundry is a killer for me though. In your shoes, like I'm doing with my laundry issues, I'd just have less stuff.

[transformed]

I am working on decluttering. I have taken our outfits down to about 5 a piece. Except dh. His amount of clothes is astronomical. 50 T shirts. That doesnt count work shirts and polos. I feel bad about getting rid of his clothes though, like its within his rights to have the clothes he wants. He doesn't want to be mothered. He wants a wife. So I struggle with making him clean, kwim?

[flapjack]

Cleaning him, or making him clean? I think this is the point: he wants you to do the housework, you need him to do his share of the housework because the strain of parenting your children PLUS doing your share of the housework AND his share is getting on top of you. I have to say, if my husband pulled the crap with doing things with kitchen cabinets when the house wasn't straight to start with (and didn't clean up after himself) you'd hear the arguments over there. It's not just you. This is a problem for the whole family to tackle.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by transformed

I am working on decluttering. I have taken our outfits down to about 5 a piece. Except dh. His amount of clothes is astronomical. 50 T shirts. That doesnt count work shirts and polos. I feel bad about getting rid of his clothes though, like its within his rights to have the clothes he wants. He doesn't want to be mothered. He wants a wife. So I struggle with making him clean, kwim?

I'll be blunt here. He wants the house to be cleaner. He can't hold on to 50 t-shirts and expect you to maintain them. Something has to give.

It is so much more work dealing with tons of crap. BTDT.