"sperm donor" thread got me thinking or rather worrying, wwyd?

[young_mama08]

To cut a long story short, basically my sons bio-dad has never been in his life. I haven't had contact with him since I was pregnant, and im happy with that. But the thing is im worried what is going to happen in the future.

Hes too young to be bothered about it now, but when hes older hes going to start asking more questions about his bio-dad. And I feel really torn about what I should do right now for the future. I think every child deserves to know who their father is because its part of who they are.

*The point is I want my son to be able to try to have a relationship with his bio-dad when he reaches a certain age, if thats what he wants. But in the mean time I dont want him in our lives. However if I leave it much longer to try to contact him, It might be impossible to contact him at all.*

Sorry I haven't explained things very well. Its difficult to say, but hopefully I made some sense? I guess my question is this - should I risk him coming into our lives by contacting him now so that my son can have a chance to have a relationship with him when hes older, OR wait another 5-10 yrs to contact him by which time I wont know anyone who knows him anymore, and quite likely it will be impossible to find him and my son will never get a chance to meet him or anything?

What would you do?

[kblackstone444]

I found my Biological father (and 2 or my 6 living brothers from him) through people searches online, after 19 years of no contact with my Father (he left before I was born) and later, after 28 years of not knowing my brothers. That being said, I don't know your situation, of course, but would it really be that bad of a thing if your son's Father came into his life at this point in time? He's his kid, too.

[dharmagrlpa]

Young mama,

Does bio-dad want to be apart of his son's life? What does he want?

Also, please don't stress now over something you don't have to deal with for awhile.

I too, face some crazy stuff with my son's bio-dad, lies I will be telling my child,but choose not to get caught up in it at this point. Gonna cross bridges when I get to them. Today I am going to love and cherish my babe.

I send you many blessings youngmama on your journey....

Hugs!

[ShyDaisi]

Originally Posted by young_mama08

To cut a long story short, basically my sons bio-dad has never been in his life. I haven't had contact with him since I was pregnant, and im happy with that. But the thing is im worried what is going to happen in the future.

Hes too young to be bothered about it now, but when hes older hes going to start asking more questions about his bio-dad. And I feel really torn about what I should do right now for the future. I think every child deserves to know who their father is because its part of who they are.

*The point is I want my son to be able to try to have a relationship with his bio-dad when he reaches a certain age, if thats what he wants. But in the mean time I dont want him in our lives. However if I leave it much longer to try to contact him, It might be impossible to contact him at all.*

Sorry I haven't explained things very well. Its difficult to say, but hopefully I made some sense? I guess my question is this - should I risk him coming into our lives by contacting him now so that my son can have a chance to have a relationship with him when hes older, OR wait another 5-10 yrs to contact him by which time I wont know anyone who knows him anymore, and quite likely it will be impossible to find him and my son will never get a chance to meet him or anything?

What would you do?

I don't really have any advice for you as I am in the exact same boat. The only difference is I did try to contact him, and I wasn't able to reach him (I don't even have a picture of him) -- so now, I may never be able to tell ds who his dad is (probably adds to my nervousness and the reason why I posted that other thread). Just wanted to say that your post did make sense.

[young_mama08]

More details

thank you for the advice so far.

Its such a messy situation, which I know I brought on myself, there's no one else to blame, and I accept full responsibility. I was very young, and very stupid at the time I got pregnant.
Im trying to do the best for DS, but Im having a hard time figuring out what's best for him.

Please don't judge me, I feel so bad about this already-

I don't actually know who DS's bio-dad is. I had casual sex with 2 guys in the month I got pregnant. (I was on the contraceptive pill at the time.) So there's really no way of knowing who is the bio-dad without a paternity test.

One of them I definately wouldn't try to contact because there are too many safety risks, and he really wasn't a nice guy at all.

The second guy was pretty decent, but he has since been charged with assault on someone. However that doesnt mean he would be a danger to us does it?
I know he wanted children, so he would probably be happy to find out he has a son (if he's the dad).

I didn't tell either of them when I found out I was pregnant because I didn't want any contact with either of them, and I worried they might try to fight me for custody of DS.

I know its a mess. I just want to do whats best for DS, and I really don't know what that is What should I do?

[wemoon]

Unless you want to go through the dramatic trouble of contacting both men and having paternity tests done, it might serve you and your ds well to just plainly say that you do not know who his father is. I would just say that there was a time in my life where I freely loved several people and got pregnant at that time. I don't know which person is actually the father because of how many people I loved at that time.

It really is OK to not stress out trying to figure out who this person is. I think because there is a possibility of two different people, neither one has a clue that DS is there, and neither one sound all that great if one has 'safety risks' and the other one was charged with assault that it might be best to work on YOUR acceptance that dad isn't in the picture. Have you seeked out counseling for yourself? It might be wise to do so if you haven't.

[Unoppressed MAMA Q]

Um, mama, no. Stay where you are. Focus on your child, and doing the healing you need to do to let go of those two people.

May not be what all would do, but I sure wouldn't go looking for that kind of trouble. Seriously. Do not contact either of those men. That is my advice, FWIW. And I'm slow to give explicit 'orders' like that.

Do the work you need to do for yourself to stop feeling shame about your life. You were not raised in a vaccuum, so it's not fair to call yourself 'stupid'. Unless you were raised somewhere not here (contemporary western world), you didn't get raised by sexually healthy people, rather you were constantly seasoned in a broth of low or high-level shame and puritanical 'sensibilities'. It could hardly be expected that you would magically pop out as a young adult totally emotionally intact and ready to fully own her life.


And there's nothing wrong with going to bed with who you choose from now on. I hope that for the rest of your life, you go to bed with anyone that you love and wish to share with, who is protective of your right to freedom and privacy. People who don't assault others, people who talk about their problems and love even when you don't agree. Don't ever settle for anything less, because you deserve total peace and love. Take care of you.

And seriously, don't go poking at sleeping bears with a most pointy stick.

[wemoon]

Originally Posted by Unoppressed MAMA Q

Um, mama, no. Stay where you are. Focus on your child, and doing the healing you need to do to let go of those two people.

May not be what all would do, but I sure wouldn't go looking for that kind of trouble. Seriously. Do not contact either of those men. That is my advice, FWIW. And I'm slow to give explicit 'orders' like that.

Do the work you need to do for yourself to stop feeling shame about your life. You were not raised in a vaccuum, so it's not fair to call yourself 'stupid'. Unless you were raised somewhere not here (contemporary western world), you didn't get raised by sexually healthy people, rather you were constantly seasoned in a broth of low or high-level shame and puritanical 'sensibilities'. It could hardly be expected that you would magically pop out as a young adult totally emotionally intact and ready to fully own her life.


And there's nothing wrong with going to bed with who you choose from now on. I hope that for the rest of your life, you go to bed with anyone that you love and wish to share with, who is protective of your right to freedom and privacy. People who don't assault others, people who talk about their problems and love even when you don't agree. Don't ever settle for anything less, because you deserve total peace and love. Take care of you.

And seriously, don't go poking at sleeping bears with a most pointy stick.

:

[kblackstone444]

Wow, you're in a rough spot. I'd say, enjoy your child, keep tabs on both men every few years (online searches?) and save it for when he's older? If you can, see if there's a public record of the guy's assault on someone, to see what you're getting in? I'm having a hard time with the "but it's his kid, too..." thing, but I think in this case, it could be for the best, at least for the time being.