What would you do in this situation? Any thoughts?

[young_mama08]

To cut a long story short, basically my sons bio-dad has never been in his life. I haven't had contact with him since I was pregnant, and im happy with that. But the thing is im worried what is going to happen in the future.

Hes too young to be bothered about it now, but when hes older hes going to start asking more questions about his bio-dad. And I feel really torn about what I should do right now for the future. I think every child deserves to know who their father is because its part of who they are.

*The point is I want my son to be able to try to have a relationship with his bio-dad when he reaches a certain age, if thats what he wants. But in the mean time I dont want him in our lives. However if I leave it much longer to try to contact him, It might be impossible to contact him at all.*

Sorry I haven't explained things very well. Its difficult to say, but hopefully I made some sense? I guess my question is this - should I risk him coming into our lives by contacting him now so that my son can have a chance to have a relationship with him when hes older, OR wait another 5-10 yrs to contact him by which time I wont know anyone who knows him anymore, and quite likely it will be impossible to find him and my son will never get a chance to meet him or anything?

What would you do?

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Well, even if he doesn't have a relationship with his father, you can keep his image of his father a positive one. If you have pictures of his father, you can make him a scrap book to have later.

When he's older and asks questions, it's o.k to say "I don't know where he is". But, you can tell him nice things about his father. Especially the great things about him that remind you of his father. "He loves music like you do" or "He loves sports, and he's a good soccer player".

Try to avoid anything that sounds negative. Those kinds of things make older kids worry that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and he may have a poor self image based on what he knows about his father.

[mistymama]

I know from personal experience how hard this is. My son's biological father (my x husband) is not in his life at all. My current husband has been in the picture since my son was only a young toddler, and he's in the process of adopting.

I have always been totally honest with my son. I have told him that he has a Dad who helped to create him with me, but he's not able to be around. And my current husband is really Dad in every way, shape and form ... but my son does know he's not his biological Dad. Right now, he could care less about his bio-Dad, and loves dh with all of his heart. When he does get to the point where he asks more questions, I plan to be very open and honest .. and I've also reminded myself of 3 good traits about his bio-Dad to share with him.

In our situation, it's best for my son that his bio-Dad is not involved. And I do believe honesty is the best policy .. I never wanted him to assume current dh is his bio-Dad and have to "break the news" one day. I've been honest from the start.

[young_mama08]

More details

thank you for the advice so far.

Its such a messy situation, which I know I brought on myself, there's no one else to blame, and I accept full responsibility. I was very young, and very stupid at the time I got pregnant.
Im trying to do the best for DS, but Im having a hard time figuring out what's best for him.

Please don't judge me, I feel so bad about this already-

I don't actually know who DS's bio-dad is. I had casual sex with 2 guys in the month I got pregnant. (I was on the contraceptive pill at the time.) So there's really no way of knowing who is the bio-dad without a paternity test.

One of them I definately wouldn't try to contact because there are too many safety risks, and he really wasn't a nice guy at all.

The second guy was pretty decent, but he has since been charged with assault on someone. However that doesnt mean he would be a danger to us does it?
I know he wanted children, so he would probably be happy to find out he has a son (if he's the dad).

I didn't tell either of them when I found out I was pregnant because I didn't want any contact with either of them, and I worried they might try to fight me for custody of DS.

I know its a mess. I just want to do whats best for DS, and I really don't know what that is What should I do?

[EnviroBecca]

The second guy was pretty decent, but he has since been charged with assault on someone. However that doesnt mean he would be a danger to us does it?

What kind of a "someone" was it? If it was a man not related to him, then I'd say it doesn't increase the odds of his being violent with you or your child--it's a different situation--but you might consider what he would teach your child about how a man should act with other men. If he assaulted a woman or child or family member, there is more cause for concern.

I think what I'd do is contact that second guy now, explain that he MIGHT be the father of your child, and ask him if he wants a paternity test. If he does, and he's the father, you and he can decide how to proceed. If he doesn't care to have the test or he isn't the father, then when your son is old enough to ask you'll tell him you don't know how to reach his father.

Keep in mind that once paternity is established, your child's father will have some legal rights. Look up the details (they vary by state) and make sure you're willing to risk that second guy having those rights.

[Lady Lilya]

I think it is incorrect to assume that it will get harder to locate a person with time. Our society has been moving steadily in a direction where it is more and more difficult to operate without leaving a record of yourself. As technology improves, it is becoming easier to locate people. If I were you, I would right the names of the potential fathers, their last known whereabouts, and possibly a little bit about each, on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope for when he is older. If he seriously wants to locate them later, have paternity tests done, and have a relationship with his biological father, I don't believe there will be much obstacle.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

What kind of a "someone" was it? If it was a man not related to him, then I'd say it doesn't increase the odds of his being violent with you or your child--it's a different situation--but you might consider what he would teach your child about how a man should act with other men. If he assaulted a woman or child or family member, there is more cause for concern.

I think what I'd do is contact that second guy now, explain that he MIGHT be the father of your child, and ask him if he wants a paternity test. If he does, and he's the father, you and he can decide how to proceed. If he doesn't care to have the test or he isn't the father, then when your son is old enough to ask you'll tell him you don't know how to reach his father.

Keep in mind that once paternity is established, your child's father will have some legal rights. Look up the details (they vary by state) and make sure you're willing to risk that second guy having those rights.

This exactly.

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Originally Posted by young_mama08

Please don't judge me, I feel so bad about this already-

LOL Very few of us could say "That never would have happened to me". It easily could have to me. Many times. It just didn't.

Do you have a gut feeling as to who he is most like? If I didn't know for sure who my dd's father was, I would have by the time she was three. She looks nothing like me. But, she looks exactly like her dad.

[hippiemum21580]

I would just be honest and not bad mouth the father. Keep pics or memories if you have no photos....answers to questions is enough for some kids. My kids do not see thier bio dad and only two of them remember him. They do have photos of him in safe keeping for when they are older and I do not worry about finding him cuz he was a deadbeat dad to his daughter from a previous relationship (should have set some warning bells off in my head!() And no matter hwo many times he made us move or switched jobs child support enforcement still found him. In fact, my mother out of curiousity just hunted down MY bio dad who she had not seen in 27 years for just a few bucks and internet access!