What would you do in this situation? Any thoughts?

[young_mama08]

To cut a long story short, basically my sons bio-dad has never been in his life. I haven't had contact with him since I was pregnant, and im happy with that. But the thing is im worried what is going to happen in the future.

Hes too young to be bothered about it now, but when hes older hes going to start asking more questions about his bio-dad. And I feel really torn about what I should do right now for the future. I think every child deserves to know who their father is because its part of who they are.

*The point is I want my son to be able to try to have a relationship with his bio-dad when he reaches a certain age, if thats what he wants. But in the mean time I dont want him in our lives. However if I leave it much longer to try to contact him, It might be impossible to contact him at all.*

Sorry I haven't explained things very well. Its difficult to say, but hopefully I made some sense? I guess my question is this - should I risk him coming into our lives by contacting him now so that my son can have a chance to have a relationship with him when hes older, OR wait another 5-10 yrs to contact him by which time I wont know anyone who knows him anymore, and quite likely it will be impossible to find him and my son will never get a chance to meet him or anything?

What would you do?

[Arduinna]

Does the biodad know about your ds? Or are you talking about letting him know for the first time? How old is your ds now? Is there a safety reason that you are wanting to wait until your ds is older?

It sounds like you might want to consult a qualified counselor that you can get into the details with that you don't want to post on the net. Because it sounds like this isn't a clear cut situation.

[young_mama08]

Moe details

thank you for the advice so far.

Its such a messy situation, which I know I brought on myself, there's no one else to blame, and I accept full responsibility. I was very young, and very stupid at the time I got pregnant.
Im trying to do the best for DS, but Im having a hard time figuring out what's best for him.

Please don't judge me, I feel so bad about this already-

I don't actually know who DS's bio-dad is. I had casual sex with 2 guys in the month I got pregnant. (I was on the contraceptive pill at the time.) So there's really no way of knowing who is the bio-dad without a paternity test.

One of them I definately wouldn't try to contact because there are too many safety risks, and he really wasn't a nice guy at all.

The second guy was pretty decent, but he has since been charged with assault on someone. However that doesnt mean he would be a danger to us does it?
I know he wanted children, so he would probably be happy to find out he has a son (if he's the dad).

I didn't tell either of them when I found out I was pregnant because I didn't want any contact with either of them, and I worried they might try to fight me for custody of DS.

I know its a mess. I just want to do whats best for DS, and I really don't know what that is What should I do?

[mikaela]

Hang in there, momma

I agree with the pp about speaking with a counselor. There's a lot going on here and talking through it all irl with a professional is probably the best way to get clarity quickly and to find out any legal repercussions (cs, custody, etc.).

It just sounds like you need to reflect on it for a bit -- and don't worry, you are capable and will make the very best decision for you and your ds

[ChristaN]

Your son is also entitled to child support, so that may be one thing to consider. I can't imagine the courts giving physical custody to a dad who hasn't been in the picture and who has a criminal record, which it sounds like at least one of these guys does.

Have you discussed this with your parents at all to see what they think about contacting these guys? If you do decide to contact them, you could possibly do it through a mediator or with a mutual friend present to mediate. I wouldn't do it alone if they have a tendency toward violence. What were the circumstances surrounding the assault charge with the nicer of the two potential fathers? Whether he could be dangerous to you or your son probably depends on if this is a pattern, who it was he assaulted, etc.

[Arduinna]

I really think you should get professional advice from a counselor and a lawyer before you go any further. You have legit concerns about the safety of your son from at least one of the potential dads, and possible ones from the other.