Talking to kids about donors

[Phoenix_Rising]

My babe is 2.5 years old and we haven't talked with him about his donor (who is DP's brother). We are definitely NOT hiding it, just haven't really talked about it. Other family members and friends know, it has never been a secret. We just aren't sure how to talk with the little one about it . . .
Ideas? What have you done/seen/heard?
Oh, and I think it is important to mention that donor/uncle doesn't ever want to be referred to or thought of as even the biological father. It freaks him out.

[ladida1977]

It is difficult because a lot of people know and will know when the child gets old enough to understand... who the donor really is. Im trying IUI right now and I was planning on the telling the child.. if I get pregnant.. that my wife and I wanted to have a baby and there was a nice man willing to help..NEVER referring to the donor as the father. It may be best when explaining to your child.. kind of the same thing.. that you wanted to have a baby and your partners brother helped you but never refer to the uncle has his father. Maybe one day the uncle will come around and it will be less freaky then. Hope this helps a little.

[Diane B]

Well, what they say about adoption is that your child should never remember not knowing. Also, if you don't talk about it, you might send the message that it's not ok to talk about it. I would think these recommendations would apply to this situation as well.

So...I think you need to find a simple, basic way of explaining it, and practice saying it. With my daughter, who's adopted, we came up with a simple narrative of how we became a family, and started telling it sometimes as a bedtime story. We also made a picture book. I'm sure you could do the same..."Your mama x and I wanted to have a baby, and so we got your Uncle x to help, and I became pregnant with you. We were so excited and happy when we found out you were going to be born." etc. etc.

[cyndimo]

As usual, Diane has great advice and puts it in writing before I do!
I also come from the adoption perspective and agree that if you have to "tell" your DC, then it's too late. Also, if you practice the story and wording now, when it doesn't matter so much, by the time it does matter you'll have it down pat and won't stumble for the right thing to say. Since other family members know, you absolutely must tell your DC yourselves, rather than let them hear it from someone else.

[Phoenix_Rising]

nm

[mumm]

For me, I needed to talk about it with dc before the words even made any sense to him so I could be comfortable with it. I needed to say "your donor this" and "your donor that" with ease. I needed to talk out loud with dp about how we would approach it with him, family, friends and the nosy other folks in our life.

So it has been a non-issue thus far. Our oldest is almost 8 and while there have been a few humorous times that we've discussed "gene" their donor, for the most part it has been no different than cream cheese or pb on your bagel type conversations.

One humorous time was when he was jumping on the trampoline with a friend and that kid's mom and I were chatting. When the why no dad questions came up ds just talked about a donor who gave us sperm. The boys must have been old 3 or young 4 year olds. The mom turned bright red and said her son is much too young to know details about things like that. Whatever! He'll be too old when you tell him at 16!

[andimama]

Hi Susannah M!

does your donor know that you want to start explaining to your child about how he came to be?? does he play the traditional uncle role?
i love the story idea and everything daine b mentioned... we have a stroy (and we have a friend who writes and illustrates birth stories fyi) that we tell and it's great but with us it's a bit different. we have an extremely close relationship with dd's father. she calls him poppy because his role is more that of a grandfather (he's much older) but we have always been very open about it and refer to him as her father so whatever dd wants to do with that info once she is old enough to truly get it, is up to her. poppy will always be there just not in the traditional sense of a father and i think that's totally ok. perhaps your donor is freaked out because the definitions of "father"....parenting roles, financial support..etc.

does your donor not want your babe to ever know?? if he really doesn't want your child to ever know, it might be a bit tricky once your babe starts asking. like if dd asks us "do i have a father?" we can happily tell her the truth... . i think your donor will come around and not be so freaked out... and would you be ok with referring to him as the father? if your babe is anything like our dd, who asks a ton of questions about everything, it must be a bit stressful for you. i think you and uncle should have a talk!!

we've always shared the belief that it truly does take a village to raise a child and there are way too many roles out there! yes, my dw and i are stella's parents, stella's two moms, but there are a ton of other folks, including her poppy, that truly make us a family.

there has got to be books about this by now, right???!!
anyway
peace to you

[Phoenix_Rising]

Originally Posted by andimama

Hi Susannah M!

does your donor know that you want to start explaining to your child about how he came to be?? does he play the traditional uncle role?
i love the story idea and everything daine b mentioned... we have a stroy (and we have a friend who writes and illustrates birth stories fyi) that we tell and it's great but with us it's a bit different. we have an extremely close relationship with dd's father. she calls him poppy because his role is more that of a grandfather (he's much older) but we have always been very open about it and refer to him as her father so whatever dd wants to do with that info once she is old enough to truly get it, is up to her. poppy will always be there just not in the traditional sense of a father and i think that's totally ok. perhaps your donor is freaked out because the definitions of "father"....parenting roles, financial support..etc.

does your donor not want your babe to ever know?? if he really doesn't want your child to ever know, it might be a bit tricky once your babe starts asking. like if dd asks us "do i have a father?" we can happily tell her the truth... . i think your donor will come around and not be so freaked out... and would you be ok with referring to him as the father? if your babe is anything like our dd, who asks a ton of questions about everything, it must be a bit stressful for you. i think you and uncle should have a talk!!

we've always shared the belief that it truly does take a village to raise a child and there are way too many roles out there! yes, my dw and i are stella's parents, stella's two moms, but there are a ton of other folks, including her poppy, that truly make us a family.

there has got to be books about this by now, right???!!
anyway
peace to you

Uncle (R) has known from the beginning that we want Keagan to know about how he came to be. We have talked from the beginning about how Keagan would know that R was his donor, I carried him, we all love him, etc. We just haven't gone anywhere with that yet. I was talking about this with Allison the other day and she said that unless we make a big deal out of it, it isn't going to be a big deal. Like, it is this known thing in the family but we don't always talk about it. It is NOT an elephant in the room, just in case anyone is thinking that.
R lives about an hour away from us and Keagan him so much (the feeling is mutual, really)! It is so cute to see the two of them when we get together; I truly cherish that we have a donor who we know and see on a pretty regular basis (2 times a month or more). Part of the reason R is freaked out about it I think is that he is afraid of what other people outside of the family will think. Like, did he and I have an affair
Another thing is that he never wanted a child of his own - the responsibilities, etc. He is quite the bachelor, which is fine. We are not asking him to be anything to Keagan but an uncle!
Anyway, we've started talking to Keagan about this now, kind of loosely based on ladida1977 and Diane B had to say. Most of the time when I tell him stories it is while he is nursing and he'll just lay there with those big eyes looking up at me. No response yet to it, but I'm sure it will come
And I agree on the village thing - I think it is so important!

[andimama]

Originally Posted by Susannah M

Uncle (R) has known from the beginning that we want Keagan to know about how he came to be. We have talked from the beginning about how Keagan would know that R was his donor, I carried him, we all love him, etc. We just haven't gone anywhere with that yet. I was talking about this with Allison the other day and she said that unless we make a big deal out of it, it isn't going to be a big deal. Like, it is this known thing in the family but we don't always talk about it. It is NOT an elephant in the room, just in case anyone is thinking that.
R lives about an hour away from us and Keagan him so much (the feeling is mutual, really)! It is so cute to see the two of them when we get together; I truly cherish that we have a donor who we know and see on a pretty regular basis (2 times a month or more). Part of the reason R is freaked out about it I think is that he is afraid of what other people outside of the family will think. Like, did he and I have an affair
Another thing is that he never wanted a child of his own - the responsibilities, etc. He is quite the bachelor, which is fine. We are not asking him to be anything to Keagan but an uncle!
Anyway, we've started talking to Keagan about this now, kind of loosely based on ladida1977 and Diane B had to say. Most of the time when I tell him stories it is while he is nursing and he'll just lay there with those big eyes looking up at me. No response yet to it, but I'm sure it will come
And I agree on the village thing - I think it is so important!

i always wonder if people who don't know our family too well think that i slept with poppy to conceive too very funny...especially since t is well into his sixties and besides...i'm GAY...hello...! even here where we live which is like a liberal, lefty, green, crunchy bubble there are some folks who just don't get it!!
well it sounds like you all have a wonderful relationship and it's obvious r wants a relationship so i'm sure it will all fall into place when the time is right.

[~Megan~]

I'd wait until you do the sex talk. Once he is old enough to understand the biology then it might make more sense to him.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by ~Megan~

I'd wait until you do the sex talk. Once he is old enough to understand the biology then it might make more sense to him.

I don't know about that idea.

I want to raise my kid(s) without ever having to have the sex talk - just like I don't want my kid(s) to remember ever not knowing hir story (I'm planning to birth at least one, and fost-adopt at least one) I don't want them to ever have to remember having "the sex talk."

I live a very sex positive life, no thanks to my parents, and I want better than what I had for my kid(s).

Also, while sex and procreation are inextricably linked in some adults' minds, I don't think most kids make that connection right away - I know I didn't! It's also heterosexist, some babies are made through sex, true, but most of the ones I know were made through inseminations!

Why not separate kids' birth stories and adoption stories from sex? Don't we tell two year olds in families who are expecting their younger siblings that the baby is "in the tummy?"

[~Megan~]

I don't mean to hide it in any way. I just mean how do you explain the sperm without having the sex talk?

[astraphell]

Originally Posted by ~Megan~

I don't mean to hide it in any way. I just mean how do you explain the sperm without having the sex talk?

As Diane B. stated beautifully above, you don't have to get into the gory details with a 3 year old, a simple "Uncle X helped us make you" is explanation enough. No charts or diagrams necessary!

I'm a big believer in always telling your kids the truth, in an age-appropriate way. "Stork stories" are not only unnecessary, but harmful in the long run.

[Scalpel]

I am in the process of making a baby scrapbook and we will have a donor page which provides some of the donor info and our story of wanting a baby so we can read it together with her. I think this is going to be a good idea to introduce the subject to her.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by astraphell

As Diane B. stated beautifully above, you don't have to get into the gory details with a 3 year old, a simple "Uncle X helped us make you" is explanation enough. No charts or diagrams necessary!

I'm a big believer in always telling your kids the truth, in an age-appropriate way. "Stork stories" are not only unnecessary, but harmful in the long run.

Exactly. Adults equate sex with sperm with babies, but kids don't.

Age-appropriate might mean, we needed help, uncle X helped us.... it's accurate, truthful, and yet doesn't go into the details: "So then he took a magazine into the bathroom, and I paced nervously outside the door while your Mama was in the bedroom with the magic wand...."

I think Scalpel's idea is wonderful. A KD page might look very different, or a KD might not even need a page, but might just be part of the family picture in other ways.