Originally Posted by andimama
Hi Susannah M!
does your donor know that you want to start explaining to your child about how he came to be?? does he play the traditional uncle role?
i love the story idea and everything daine b mentioned... we have a stroy (and we have a friend who writes and illustrates birth stories fyi) that we tell and it's great but with us it's a bit different. we have an extremely close relationship with dd's father. she calls him poppy because his role is more that of a grandfather (he's much older) but we have always been very open about it and refer to him as her father so whatever dd wants to do with that info once she is old enough to truly get it, is up to her. poppy will always be there just not in the traditional sense of a father and i think that's totally ok. perhaps your donor is freaked out because the definitions of "father"....parenting roles, financial support..etc.
does your donor not want your babe to ever know?? if he really doesn't want your child to ever know, it might be a bit tricky once your babe starts asking. like if dd asks us "do i have a father?" we can happily tell her the truth... . i think your donor will come around and not be so freaked out... and would you be ok with referring to him as the father? if your babe is anything like our dd, who asks a ton of questions about everything, it must be a bit stressful for you. i think you and uncle should have a talk!!
we've always shared the belief that it truly does take a village to raise a child and there are way too many roles out there! yes, my dw and i are stella's parents, stella's two moms, but there are a ton of other folks, including her poppy, that truly make us a family.
there has got to be books about this by now, right???!!
peace to you
Uncle (R) has known from the beginning that we want Keagan to know about how he came to be. We have talked from the beginning about how Keagan would know that R was his donor, I carried him, we all love him, etc. We just haven't gone anywhere with that yet. I was talking about this with Allison the other day and she said that unless we make a big deal out of it, it isn't going to be a big deal. Like, it is this known thing in the family but we don't always talk about it. It is NOT an elephant in the room, just in case anyone is thinking that.
R lives about an hour away from us and Keagan
him so much (the feeling is mutual, really)! It is so cute to see the two of them when we get together; I truly cherish that we have a donor who we know and see on a pretty regular basis (2 times a month or more). Part of the reason R is freaked out about it I think is that he is afraid of what other people outside of the family will think. Like, did he and I have an affair
Another thing is that he never wanted a child of his own - the responsibilities, etc. He is quite the bachelor, which is fine. We are not asking him to be anything to Keagan but an uncle!
Anyway, we've started talking to Keagan about this now, kind of loosely based on ladida1977 and Diane B had to say. Most of the time when I tell him stories it is while he is nursing and he'll just lay there with those big eyes looking up at me. No response yet to it, but I'm sure it will come
And I agree on the village thing - I think it is so important!