"The family bed destroys married life" - Page 2

[pcasylum]

I have to agree with the pp. If my dh *ever* woke me up to initiate sex I would not be amused. At all. Sleep is a precious commodity around here! When I'm in bed, I am sleeping. Period. Even before children. But before bedtime, during the day, whenever? No problem. My dh is fine with that, because A: He wants to sleep at night too, and B: I'm so accomodating the rest of the time as far as our "us" time. LOL!

[crissei]

Sleeping in a bed with my child no more affects my marriage than sleeping in a bed with my husband affects my personal identity.

[wombatclay]

I think our marriage, at least the sexual aspect, has been "hit" more by plain old sleep deprivation than co-sleeping. I love co-sleeping, dh loves co-sleeping, the girls love co-sleeping. I've never felt like I couldn't have sex in my own bed just because my little ones are there too... ok, yes, we're not talking extreme acrobatic wild monkey love here of course (for that there is the couch, armchair, poang, floor, shower, garden, kitchen, etc). My kiddos are only 3yo and 11mo so I can't say how I'll feel in a few years... but for now it's not an issue in terms of killing desire or needing to get out of bed for a quick re-connect.

Now, sleep deprivation... that's a whole different story! And it would most certainly be worse if I had been getting out of bed every 3 hours, every night, for the last 3 years. So really co-sleeping has improved our chances of getting some intimate time together since it's one of the few times DH and I are in the same place, at the same time, without the need to check on the girls or even think about other stuff.

I guess in general I agree that a marriage that is strong enough to survive children is strong enough to survive co-sleeping. And my personal opinion is that children and co-sleeping both have the potential to make that marriage relationship stronger rather than weaker.

[llamalluv]

Honestly - DH and I have NO kids, and I'm a SAHW right now, but we still have to PLAN sex. I have fibromyalgia, and if I knock myself out running errands and mopping the floors, washing laundry (I have to climb two full flights of stairs to get to the laundry room in our building) - we aren't going to have sex. Period. I'm just too tired and sore. So DH will give me a little wink and nudge in the morning, and I know that, for today, I will not do laundry or mop the floors.

I can forsee that even if we weren't planning on co-sleeping or "rooming in" with our babies, we would have to "schedule" sex. Between feedings, diaper changes, rocking the baby to sleep, cleaning the apartment, running errands, cooking dinner, etc - I'm going to be TIRED when DH gets home - even if I didn't have FMS.

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by crunchymomofmany

Well said!

And on a lighter note...why does most of America believe that sex has to take place in the bed? Really, folks, let's get a little more creative - there are other rooms in the house!

Some of us have health issues that make it the only place we can. Believe me, I've TRIED! But when you have a painful cluster of raw nerves across the back of your pelvis (so laying on anything hard is out) and bad knees (so kneeling is out), in bed is the only place that works.

Plus....that's where all my *stuff* is plugged in at....

[Norasmomma]

You know before DD was born I had heard "horror" stories of baby sleeps with mom and dad, parents sex lives end and I totally bought it. I even said "well the baby won't sleep with us." Which was really against pretty much everything I truly believe in as a parent(but this was before I was a parent really). I had no idea what it was like to be a sleep deprived momma just wanting some rest, plus I had a c/s and that made us have to move a bed downstairs and so DD couldn't sleep in her crib, so she slept with us, and it just kept happening. We even bought a new bed because we were uncomfortable and worried about our cruddy old mattress. DD still sleeps with us every night and I really don't know when that will end, and you know what I don't really care.

I remember a friend saying that another couple I know wanted to have another baby, but they just could never DTD because their DD was in bed with them, I believed her at the time, now I scoff at that, you can't find another place? I have to agree with the PP's that the biggest thing that kills a sex life after a child is SLEEP DEPRIVATION, I can say that this has been a big factor for DH and me, we're both freaking tired. When 9pm hits all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. DH uses this time to have some alone time, that's just life.

My step-sis is one of those co-sleep *haters* she is always saying that DD will never leave the bed, she'll sleep with us forever. She also measured every oz of her son's food and fed on a schedule, so I definitely don't agree with her parenting style, and it's really none of hers(or anyones) business what is happening in my household sleep routine. I love that DD sleep with us, sometimes she can drive us crazy but most of the time it's wonderful, and if we *really* need our bed to DTD, we let her get up on Sat. am and watch a DVD, and get our time alone.

[chfriend]

thus the origin of the nookie bed.......

[RomanGoddess]

Haven't read all the post but wanted to say, I do know of marriages that broke apart in large part because the couple basically gave 100 percent to the kids and had no intimate time (they co-slept).

I do think that co-sleeping means that a couple makes sacrifices when it comes to intimacy. People often say that you can "do it anywhere" but well, first of all, my DH works all day and we don't get a lot other other moments besides in bed and secondly, I don't equate intimacy with just sex. That time spent alone in bed, cuddling, sharing thoughts, worries, etc., some of that is just plain lost when you have a kid lying between you or beside the bed.

I also do believe that it is not a question of the kids taking second place to the marriage. I think the kids' best interests DEPEND on a good relationship between husband and wife. I don't think any child would prefer to live in a home where mommy and daddy have lost touch with each other.

[AlmostAPpropriate]

nookie bed... funny... We used the guest room a lot.

Wombatclay made an excellent point. it doesnt matter if your kid is in a crib in a sound proof room across the hall - if you are too tired you are too tired. So I will qualify my prior post by clarifying that that was all once I was past the too tired to breathe stage...

[pcasylum]

I guess maybe it's just individual to the couple as to how they get their "together time." Even before kids, my husband and I connected outside of bed. Our cuddling and together time to talk or whatever was always on the couch. When we got to bed, it was to sleep. Always. I can't connect with my husband if I'm falling asleep, which is what I do when I get into a bed, lol!

We've gotten to the point where we have more ... umm ... interludes now with 3 kids than we ever did with no kids, and we're 110% convinced it's because we've learned to be creative since there are kids in our bed. I have a Body By Jake ab machine that no one uses but I can't get rid of because it's "special" to my firstborn son. He doesn't know it, but we do. LOL!!

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

That time spent alone in bed, cuddling, sharing thoughts, worries, etc., some of that is just plain lost when you have a kid lying between you or beside the bed..

I agree....but I will qualify that we've only experienced this problem while cosleeping with an older child. In our experience, cosleeping with a 7 yo presents entirely different challenges than cosleeping with a baby or toddler.

[LianneM]

OH, that middle-of-the-night sex is THE BEST EVER DH agrees too. Sometimes I wake him and sometimes he wakes me, but it's definitely the best Co-sleeping hasn't hindered us at all though I love cosleeping but I think my DH may even love it more he feels so connected to our DS and has told me on many occasions how glad he is that I learned about it and stuff

[LianneM]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

That time spent alone in bed, cuddling, sharing thoughts, worries, etc., some of that is just plain lost when you have a kid lying between you or beside the bed.

That hasn't been true AT ALL for us. Our DS falls asleep best if we are talking quietly to each other. It's like a security knowing mama and daddy are right there, he can hear our voices, and he just goes to sleep next to us.

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

.

I do think that co-sleeping means that a couple makes sacrifices when it comes to intimacy. People often say that you can "do it anywhere" but well, first of all, my DH works all day and we don't get a lot other other moments besides in bed and secondly, I don't equate intimacy with just sex. That time spent alone in bed, cuddling, sharing thoughts, worries, etc., some of that is just plain lost when you have a kid lying between you or beside the bed.

Yeah and none of that has to take place in bed. My partner and I do that on the couch together in the evenings. We also do it in bed, kids or not.

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by Baby_Makes_5

I guess maybe it's just individual to the couple as to how they get their "together time." Even before kids, my husband and I connected outside of bed. Our cuddling and together time to talk or whatever was always on the couch. When we got to bed, it was to sleep. Always. I can't connect with my husband if I'm falling asleep, which is what I do when I get into a bed, lol!

We've gotten to the point where we have more ... umm ... interludes now with 3 kids than we ever did with no kids, and we're 110% convinced it's because we've learned to be creative since there are kids in our bed. I have a Body By Jake ab machine that no one uses but I can't get rid of because it's "special" to my firstborn son. He doesn't know it, but we do. LOL!!

I agree.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

Yeah and none of that has to take place in bed. My partner and I do that on the couch together in the evenings. We also do it in bed, kids or not.

The more I read, the more I think our experience is due to our particular child.

Our child does not fall asleep in our room until we are going to bed. If we try to chat in the evening, she is right there adding her input

Our child will come look for us if we leave the bed and she awakens after she falls asleep. So there would be no nookie on the exercise equiptment, even if we had any

Our child also is a really lousy sleeper

When our child sleeps in her own bed (which she has done intermittently over the years, but not with any regularity....just enough that we know what we are missing), we can close our door and have sweet, golden privacy. That is exactly what we are missing out on by cosleeping with an older child--privacy. Our room is respected as a private space (knock before you enter), but it is the only room respected as such. So, when she is always in there, we have no place that we can relax an assume that we won't be disturbed

Anyway, I just really find the "can't you find anywhere better to do it?" comments extremely unhelpful. I guess if your kid actually falls asleep and stays in bed predictably, then cosleeping wouldn't hinder intimacy. But not all kids are so cooperative, and some families really do struggle with this issue.

[the_lissa]

Well, yes, but if your kid is like that, that is not the fault of cosleeping. It is the personality of your child.

Cosleeping or not, I need that break I get from my children when they go to bed at 7.

[Incubator]

Originally Posted by llamalluv

Plus....that's where all my *stuff* is plugged in at....

:

[chfriend]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

The I guess if your kid actually falls asleep and stays in bed predictably, then cosleeping wouldn't hinder intimacy. But not all kids are so cooperative, and some families really do struggle with this issue.

sunnmama...I really get this...dd1 just started sleeping in her own room a couple of months ago. I still lay down with her at night and squish her awake in the morning. She said she moved because she slept better.

She asks me to read in the hall while she's falling asleep.

Honestly, for me, the lack of sleep is a much bigger problem in intimacy than finding a location. Nurturing the intimacy with dp is essential with the challenges of a sensory kid. All kinds of intimacy.

Sometimes we stay up too late just because we want to talk.

Dp calls me at work sometimes if the kids give her a minute. When both kids are occupied happily for a space and we are together, we call it a date. Sometimes the kids are willing to stay with a friend or at a friend/sitter's house and we go home and dtd.

We've joked that's why we have a van, but haven't become quite that desparate Yet.

We have a friend with a similarly engaged child....we have recently offered to have a playdate with her son at our house when her dh is home from work wink wink....We moms gotta stick together on this.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by chfriend

We have a friend with a similarly engaged child....we have recently offered to have a playdate with her son at our house when her dh is home from work wink wink....We moms gotta stick together on this.

Oh, we've done that!

Our church once had a "parent's night out", where you pay a few bucks and drop off the kids as a fundraiser for something. Dd had a great time; we went home and dtd.