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"The family bed destroys married life" - Page 3

post #41 of 159
I guess one thing that may make a difference here is socio-cultural meanings to the word "privacy"...

Some cultural groups value "auditory" privacy (they can't be overheard, so it's "private" even if there is an uncovered ground floor window for example) while others value "visual" privacy (so a seperate room but one in which you can still "hear everything" from outside)... and others value a combination of the two. Some groups feel that you need to be physically isolated to have privacy, others don't.

When I was little I shared a room (not a bed) with everyone in my family till I was about 6yo. Then I shared a room with just my younger brother till I was about 12yo. From 12-17 I did have my own space but then I went to college and tah-dah! A roommate. After college I shared apartments with roommates and my now-DH. Once children arrived we added them into the mix. Our current home only has two real rooms... a "living room" and a "sleeping room". So even if our children weren't in the same bed, they'd be in the same room. It has never felt like we lacked privacy...

But that could be because of the socio-cultural context within which we both grew up... privacy simply never meant "A Space Into Which No One Else is Allowed".
post #42 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
I think our marriage, at least the sexual aspect, has been "hit" more by plain old sleep deprivation than co-sleeping.
My thoughts exactly. Sleep deprivation keeps me from feeling like middle-of-night fun much more than co-sleeping. Afternoon naptime is usually the only time when dh and I are both awake enough to play!
post #43 of 159
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
Some cultural groups value "auditory" privacy (they can't be overheard, so it's "private" even if there is an uncovered ground floor window for example) while others value "visual" privacy (so a seperate room but one in which you can still "hear everything" from outside)... and others value a combination of the two. Some groups feel that you need to be physically isolated to have privacy, others don't.
That is really, really interesting!!! I always thought the entire argument against co-sleeping is very elitist on top of being culturally subjective. Few people in the world have the luxury of a dwelling place with multiple rooms . . . for so many families, that is just reality. Obviously babies keep getting born, so those parents are making it work. When people insist that their marriage or sex life would suffer terribly if there was a child in their bed, I am reminded of how many luxuries we take for granted.
post #44 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by annmartina View Post
That is really, really interesting!!! I always thought the entire argument against co-sleeping is very elitist on top of being culturally subjective. Few people in the world have the luxury of a dwelling place with multiple rooms . . . for so many families, that is just reality. Obviously babies keep getting born, so those parents are making it work. When people insist that their marriage or sex life would suffer terribly if there was a child in their bed, I am reminded of how many luxuries we take for granted.

post #45 of 159
if people ask me if co sleeping has destroyed our sex life I always sy nope we are just creative. I also throw in there which i am sure to them is TMI but it gets them to shut up, we didnt concieve either of our children in the bed so why should we have sex in our bed now hehehe
post #46 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybeedreams View Post
:

right, because mom getting up 6 times in the middle of the night to feed the baby doesn't affect her ability (or desire) to stay awake for sex you know.
Absolutely!

Co-sleeping doesn't effect my sex life, it's being exhausted all the time! If my DD STTN I would happily get it on 6x a week in our guest room.

We can be creative when it comes to finding time/space, but mustering up energy after waking over and over, that's where I'm at a loss.

(My marriage is fine, BTW. Yes, we don't have sex often due to the issues above, but at least we can laugh about it and say "this too shall pass".)
post #47 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
.. privacy simply never meant "A Space Into Which No One Else is Allowed".
So, when people talk about having sex in creative places outside the family bedroom, these are places that the children are likely to walk in on them?

I am aware that privacy standards vary from culture to culture. But I live in this culture, where it is frowned upon to have sex in the same room as your 7 yo.
post #48 of 159
I'll answer since I was quoted

Quote:
So, when people talk about having sex in creative places outside the family bedroom, these are places that the children are likely to walk in on them?

I am aware that privacy standards vary from culture to culture. But I live in this culture, where it is frowned upon to have sex in the same room as your 7 yo.
I think most people would say that they would certainly hope they're not walked in on... but that "walking in upon" is obviously possible no matter where you are. Bedroom or kitchen, someone can always "walk in on you" if there isn't a locked door. So... while I wouldn't say "likely" I would certainly agree with "possible".

And as to culture... even within a single nation (say the US) there is a wiiiiiiiide range of cultural norms. I'm pretty sure most Americans would agree that having sex "in front of" a 7 year old (meaning an awake, aware child) is wrong. I'm not sure that having sex "in the same room" as that 7yo is the same thing. I know plenty of families that live in lofts or studio spaces (and we're one of those families)... those parents are having sex "in the same room" as their children. I don't see the problem?

I apologize for getting a little further astray from the main subject of the thread... but I do think this conversation applies! I've often thought that the "debate" over co-sleeping has a very strong connection to how the individuals involved define privacy.
post #49 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
I know plenty of families that live in lofts or studio spaces (and we're one of those families)... those parents are having sex "in the same room" as their children. I don't see the problem?
.
I was comfortable having sex in the same room as my sleeping 3 yo. If a 3 yo happened to wake up, it wouldn't be such a big deal. My dd is 7, and knows all about sex. That changed things for me.

I am not debating the merits of cosleeping. I cosleep with my 7 yo and my 16 mo. But we also have found (no theoreticals) that it comes at a cost to our intimacy--even just spending time alone together chatting. When dd sleeps in her own room, dp and I enjoy a different quality of intimacy.
post #50 of 159
I know you're not debating the merits ... hope it didn't sound like I was saying that. And I certainly understand things changing with a child's age/understanding...

But I also know that regardless of how old my kiddos get, we only have the one sleeping space and there are no interior doors at all (even the bathroom is a curtain). It's a question that get's bounced around the small house thread a lot... not just in terms of partner intimacy of course... but the family bed is part of it.

It's not something I think of in a "things should be like this" way... personal privacy is personal privacy, and not something an outside force is likely to change. It's just my own opinion that comments like the OP is responding to have a lot to do with where individuals draw their own privacy boundaries. Co-sleeping was the norm till fairly recently, and remains the norm in some groups. And until recently/in different cultural settings "privacy" means something different that "a room of your own". So I think it's part or the whole co-sleeping vs intimacy discussion. If intimacy requires privacy and privacy = a space set apart specifically for intimate relations only then co-sleeping certainly will impact that (positive or negative, the impact will be there!) but if privacy = visual/auditory seperation but not necessarily a completely seperate dedicated space then the impact is very different.

If that makes sense? I know I'm sort of rambling a bit and I don't want to hijack the thread completely!
post #51 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
But we also have found (no theoreticals) that it comes at a cost to our intimacy--even just spending time alone together chatting. When dd sleeps in her own room, dp and I enjoy a different quality of intimacy.
But it sounds to me like it isn't about cosleeping, but that your dd won't sleep by herself.
post #52 of 159
sleeping in a pile as a family of 4 is like a sleep-over with all of my favorite people every night. It isn't the exact same thing as before we had kids, but c'mon it is my life now and it is great. Inflexable things break, having this strict idea in mind that bedtime is some inflexable unbreakable bond between the partners seems like an ideal that is destined to fail eventually.

I mean, we can't dtd on our bed in the middle of the night anymore. We also can't watch horror movies in the living room, or go to smokey dives to watch local punk bands. There was lots of stuff we couldn't do before we had kids that we can do now. I am willing to trade a lot for my kids, but an intimate relationship with my wife isn't one of those things I had to give up... We just had to change things up a little. Different, not worse.
post #53 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_lissa View Post
But it sounds to me like it isn't about cosleeping, but that your dd won't sleep by herself.
I guess so It didn't "click" with me until this past year that most cosleeping children actually went to bed before the parents, and not with the parents. Oh, how I wish!
post #54 of 159
Well all I have to say is that those people who only have sex in bed probably have the most boring sex lives (missionary only!)...UGGhh!
We used to never move our little one once she was sleeping, but now that she's older and sleeps more soundly, we can move her to where ever if we want the bedroom, then move her back.
Has anyone slept apart from their little one(s) and felt lonely and worried the whole night about him/her? I can't even imagine that feeling for a mood-killer, all the time!
post #55 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
But we also have found (no theoreticals) that it comes at a cost to our intimacy--even just spending time alone together chatting.
We live in a small 2 bed house with a teen and a pre-teen in one bedroom and dh and I with a 5 yo and 20mo in the other bedroom. Sometimes we have a hard time getting five minutes quiet to talk to each other without interruption let alone do anything else.

Shwarma - when you have older kids in the house, sometimes doing it in bed can be the safest place and it doesn't mean you have a boring sex life!! This afternoon our 14yo was out on his bike, our 11yo was gaming and listening to You Tube (at my suggestion) and the girls were outside in the garden. The bedroom was empty and the bed had only me and dh in it. Pure bliss for the 10 mins it took for the little ones to come and find us.
post #56 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i totally agree... contrary to popular belief they are not going to co sleep for ever lol and those few years they do are nothing compared to a whole lifetime really.
:
FTR my DH loves co-sleeping with DS. wouldn't have it another way.
post #57 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Well all I have to say is that those people who only have sex in bed probably have the most boring sex lives (missionary only!)...UGGhh!

Why would you assume that?

Just maybe it is the wild nature of our sex life that makes the privacy of our bedroom so appreciated!
post #58 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinklefae View Post
Not to get to far OT, but REALLY? If DF ever tried that with me, he'd be sleeping on the sofa for a month. I can't even imagine. Sex before sleep is okay, but why on earth would you WAKE SOMEONE UP????? Am I missing something? I don't like being woke up for anything... waking me up for sex is .. :


That said, we love our new futon.
This only applies on weekends since DH works 3rd shift, but yeah... once I'm asleep, don't even BREATHE in my general direction!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RomanGoddess View Post
That time spent alone in bed, cuddling, sharing thoughts, worries, etc., some of that is just plain lost when you have a kid lying between you or beside the bed.
We haven't had any issues with this so far (again, on weekends... when DH is home and sleeps w/ us). Then again DS is a fairly good sleeper too.



And as far as sex goes, for some reason this pregnancy the only thing that works for me is DTD in the bed (mostly missionary style, ironically enough). Otherwise it's pretty hard to get into it, and sometimes painful... SO, we either wait until DS is passed out... or napping (he naps on the couch/recliner/wherever he passes out). Worst case, if it's been a week or so, DS spends an afternoon shopping with GMIL

Would we have sex more often if we weren't co-sleeping? (And DH worked 1st shift like normal folks, lol)... probably not. Because it isn't co-sleeping that puts a damper on my libido... it's pregnancy, exhaustion, and just plain being a mama.
post #59 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Well all I have to say is that those people who only have sex in bed probably have the most boring sex lives (missionary only!)...UGGhh!
Huh?
post #60 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Well all I have to say is that those people who only have sex in bed probably have the most boring sex lives (missionary only!)...UGGhh!
This is just what I was going to say. And I don't mean that bed sex is boring sex, just the kind of people who go, "OMG. There are children in the bed. We cannot have sex. O noez." must be pretty boring.
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