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"The family bed destroys married life" - Page 4

post #61 of 159
Co sleeping has ruined our sex life less than the fact that DS wakes up earlier than DH and I want to...we used to like morning lie ins. I think sometimes there is this fantasy that somehow children will also remain on a more convenient time schedule if they are also sleeping in another space from you. I can't see that would be true really but I think those who don't co-sleep might be more likely to think its true. The truth is though that DS wakes up even earlier if he is in his own room for some reason. I still sometimes miss having our huge bed to ourselves though. There will be both some sad and some happy when he does graduate to sleeping in his own space.
post #62 of 159
i think there is this huge "status" thing that happens with people who are first time parents... "this baby is going to have to fit into our family! i'm not changing anything for this baby."

it's a delusional idea, but one that clearly has lots of support in popular culture.
post #63 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by barefootpoetry View Post
just the kind of people who go, "OMG. There are children in the bed. We cannot have sex. O noez." must be pretty boring.
I have just the opposite perspective. Anything we do with my (7 yo) dd sleeping in the room needs to be 1. quiet, 2. under covers, and 3. in the dark. That is boring to me.

But give us a child-free room, and :
post #64 of 159
But does the child free room have to be the bedroom? I guess that's where I'm getting hung up... quiet, relaxed, middle of the night snuggle nookie is plenty for this sleep deprived mama and isn't a problem with toddlers in the bed. Wild swinging from the rafters monkey love is fun when I've got the energy and that doesn't require the bedroom (regardless of who is in the bed)...

But for me, it's mostly the sleep deprivation that affects what I want (or can ) do, not where people are sleeping. And since the family bed means I'm getting more sleep it also means I have more energy for intimacy.
post #65 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
But does the child free room have to be the bedroom? I guess that's where I'm getting hung up... quiet, relaxed, middle of the night snuggle nookie is plenty for this sleep deprived mama and isn't a problem with toddlers in the bed. Wild swinging from the rafters monkey love is fun when I've got the energy and that doesn't require the bedroom (regardless of who is in the bed)...

But for me, it's mostly the sleep deprivation that affects what I want (or can ) do, not where people are sleeping. And since the family bed means I'm getting more sleep it also means I have more energy for intimacy.
See, we have completely different perspectives. And we have different children. I am getting most of the sleep I need, but not nearly the time alone with dp that I need. And for the adult time that we want, we really need some true privacy--not the living room or dd's room where dd could walk in at any moment.

Sigh. One day. I love my kids with all my heart, and intend to enjoy their childhood to its fullest. But I also intend our empty nest
post #66 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Well all I have to say is that those people who only have sex in bed probably have the most boring sex lives (missionary only!)...UGGhh!
Missionary? I wish! Belly's too big for that. Thank goodness for genetic hyperflexibility, or I'd never get the nookie.
post #67 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Makes_5 View Post
Exactly! Um, there are other places to have sex! In fact, we have added so much spice to our married life by finding creative spots all over the place! I find it way more fun than just the ol' roll over and go at it, LOL! I'm sorry, but once I'm in bed I'm sleeping, lol!!!
I was going to post the same thing! If anything, the family bed helps because everyone is getting more sleep & we are all less tired and crabby. When people mention about the family bed interfering with our sex life, I just respond that "We have the whole rest of the house to have sex in" and look pointedly at the couch, dining room table, etc! That usually ends the conversation
post #68 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_lissa View Post
I always find the cosleeping and sex argument so bizarre. I don't know who these people are who only have sex in a bed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchymomofmany View Post
Well said!

And on a lighter note...why does most of America believe that sex has to take place in the bed? Really, folks, let's get a little more creative - there are other rooms in the house!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
I think it makes our marriage more exciting because we *have* to find somewhere else to have sex Before it was always just bed, bed, boring bed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Makes_5 View Post
Exactly! Um, there are other places to have sex! In fact, we have added so much spice to our married life by finding creative spots all over the place! I find it way more fun than just the ol' roll over and go at it, LOL! I'm sorry, but once I'm in bed I'm sleeping, lol!!!
We were married almost 3 years when DD came along, we hadn't had any trouble find places, time, and adventure for our sex life. I agree that it is so odd to think you can only have sex in a bed. I know what I was like as a 19 year old, I don't remember a bed coming in to play that often and I didn't find it hard to come up with a new and interesting place.

Time - Whenever opportunity presents then have some fun. I am man who is very blessed to have a DW who is up for an adventure and isn't afraid of a quicky or two now and then. If you are a stickler for the "Big Mac" then go for the "Happy Meal" now and then.
post #69 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinklefae View Post
Not to get to far OT, but REALLY? If DF ever tried that with me, he'd be sleeping on the sofa for a month. I can't even imagine. Sex before sleep is okay, but why on earth would you WAKE SOMEONE UP????? Am I missing something? I don't like being woke up for anything... waking me up for sex is .. :


That said, we love our new futon.
I must say that I have a habit waking my DW with a back rub and seeing where it would go from there. We never, and I did ask, thought it was weird or out of line. The part I think a lot of people are missing is that we COMMUNICATED about what we needed and how we wanted those needs met.

I am not sure why being awoke by a SO who wants to show love in it's physical form would not be accepted openly and even welcomed.:
post #70 of 159
A family bed makes it more exciting. Who woulda guessed the kitchen counter would be an option when you're married?

What really destroys married life is your husband not doing the dishes.
post #71 of 159
Y'know, I actually haven't had sex outside of our bed in the 14 months since having a child. I also have a child who (at night) has never slept outside of our kingsize family bed. And we probably have a better, more contented sex life now than we did before (breastfeeding = my libido finally matches DP's ).
post #72 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i totally agree... contrary to popular belief they are not going to co sleep for ever lol and those few years they do are nothing compared to a whole lifetime really.
I think that is a great comfort to those who only have a few children, but what about those who lean more toward quiverfull thinking? My ideal would be to allow breastfeeding to space my children, but to never directly limit them from coming. I started at age 20, and so I'd have 20+ years of fertility and 25+ years of cosleeping to go through. 25 years is a whole different ball game!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WeasleyMum View Post
how hard could it be to put Baby somewhere else for that short time, and bring her back for the rest of the night?
Based on that statement right there I would've known you're not a mom yet With most babies, once they're asleep, you DO NOT MOVE THEM AT ANY COST!!! Otherwise you'll be spending another hour getting her back to sleep and then you and your dp will fall asleep and miss out on the sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinklefae View Post
Not to get to far OT, but REALLY? If DF ever tried that with me, he'd be sleeping on the sofa for a month. I can't even imagine. Sex before sleep is okay, but why on earth would you WAKE SOMEONE UP????? Am I missing something? I don't like being woke up for anything... waking me up for sex is .. :
You REALLY feel this way? I can't even comprehend this. . . And I work full time and get an average of 5-6 hours of sleep per night, even on weekends. I LOVE it when dh wakes me up in the middle of the night on the weekends. He works graveyards and I work days, so it's really our only option.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KSD View Post
I am not sure why being awoke by a SO who wants to show love in it's physical form would not be accepted openly and even welcomed.:
Absolutely. I have experienced sexual rejection from my dh, and it affected me deeply. I realized that it really only happened our first year of marriage, yet I still am walking on eggshells in those situations, afraid of being rejected again.
post #73 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by klg47 View Post
IBased on that statement right there I would've known you're not a mom yet
Second oldest of six, mom of two.....completely different experience....

Can't tell you how many times I've moved a baby/little kid from the car/couch to the bed without a minutes worth of trouble....

Certainly a possiblity not to discount until you've tried...and as sleep changes developmentally, worth trying again along the way...


Now the folks who can get their kids up to pee and have them back asleep have me in awe.
post #74 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by KSD View Post
I am not sure why being awoke by a SO who wants to show love in it's physical form would not be accepted openly and even welcomed.:
Because I might not be able to get back to sleep. For me, sex doesn't lead to sleep, I get all wired. And being woke up at 2am or something, having sex and not being able to get back to sleep is my worst nightmare! Plus, I just don't wake up well. I'm of the "don't talk to me until I've been awake for a hour" type.

I just can't imagine being woken up, even to a back rub, being pleasant. I would appreciate the effort, if I hadn't specifically told DF NO WAY! (Thanks to this thread), but I would not want to participate.

Oh and chfriend, my youngest niece is one of those kids you can pee while sleeping. And a good thing too, she was a bedwetter. She's also just impossible to wake up in general.
post #75 of 159
Yeah- sex wakes me up. I have sleep issues, and can't nor want to wake up to have sex. I also don't wake up at 2 to go for a jog and then go back to sleep.
post #76 of 159
Hello I am a new mom - my dd is 3 months and I am in love with her and love our family bed, however I am having a little trouble figuring out the intimacy thing. Currently we share a house with my younger sister, and in a month and a half we will be moving in with my parents, who already share a house with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. I grew up this way in a multiple famiy home, and know that this is how most of the world lives. We are doing it because it will allow me to stay home with dd and for dh to not take a second job so that he has time with us. Also, this kind of communal family living will have benefits for DD - she will have so many people to love her, and DH and I will have lots of support as new parents. In addition this arrangement has environmental benefits, which I like. Anyway, all this talk about using other rooms for sex makes me anxious, becasue all that my husband and I will have is the room we share with DD. There are of course other rooms, but the kitchen counter is not much of an option when you share it with your folks, aunt and uncle, and a teenager. Remember I am new to this, and I just need some reassurance that we wil be able to do it. . . I am looking forward to the move, but having a lot of anxiety about the sex part. I guess I am less worried about the family bed ruining our sex life - I wouldn't consider another sleeping arrangement - as much as the family house.

So far we wait until she is asleep and then we are really quiet on the other side of the bed (remember we share a house with my sister). My husband seems more comfortable with this than I am, but I can do it. But what about when she gets older and is able to move and might remember what she hears and sees if she happens to wake up.
It is hard because while most of the world lives in multigenerational houses, cosleeps and shares space, this is not as common in our culture, so there is not a lot of support or understanding.

I am hoping to get some support and understanding here. Is there anyone else who cosleeps but does not have the luxury of a guest bedroom, or kitchen/livingroom of their own?
post #77 of 159
No, no, no, children destroy marriages.

Seriously though, anyone who expects their life to be the same and "convenient" after having kids is either deluded or has really bad parenting potential.

(Didn't read all responses - forgive me if I'm repeating)
post #78 of 159
Quote:
Originally Posted by starflower1 View Post
But what about when she gets older and is able to move and might remember what she hears and sees if she happens to wake up.
Since your dd is only 3 mo, you have years before this would be an issue. Don't borrow trouble . It works right now, and it will work for a long time to come.

I've been pointing out the struggles of intimacy while cosleeping with my dd, but she is 7. I also have a 16 mo son, and have absolutely no issue being intimate with him asleep in the room.
post #79 of 159
thanks sunnmama!
post #80 of 159
Whoever thinks co-sleeping puts a strain on married life should try a 15 month deployment sometime.

No, I take that back. No one should ever have to do that.
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