"The family bed destroys married life" - Page 5

[mamazee]

I haven't read this whole thing, but the only thing that hurt our sex life was PPD. I had ZERO interest in sex for oh I bet about 12 months after our daughter was born. My husband was relaxed about it. He said he'd had dry spells before we got together and he could survive a dry spell then.

My husband wasn't able to sleep with our daughter (he said she breathed too loudly and he couldn't sleep - LOL) so he moved into another room. And that didn't hurt our marriage either. In fact it's turned out to be a good thing because everyone sleeps so well.

Once my hormones were back in gear, co-sleeping was irrelevant as far as our sex life went. Him sleeping in a separate room helped because we just had sex there. He sleeps better by himself so he's stayed in the other room and we actually have sex more often now than when we first got married because we're both so well-rested and relaxed.

We've been very happily married for over 11 years now. The only hard part was during the PPD and my husband was infinitely patient and loving so it was just a minor bump rather than a big problem, and the hormonal problem would have existed regardless of where people slept.

[Arwyn]

Originally Posted by MiaMama

Whoever thinks co-sleeping puts a strain on married life should try a 15 month deployment sometime.

No, I take that back. No one should ever have to do that.

[MeloMama08]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

A family bed makes it more exciting. Who woulda guessed the kitchen counter would be an option when you're married?

What really destroys married life is your husband not doing the dishes.

I read every post until this one and now I am satisfied and ready to browse elsewhere
I'm due any day with #1 and confident that we will just find a way to make the intimacy happen.....

But dishes, yes! Once I told DP that he was bad at doing dishes and immediatley regretted it. He, always great at communicating basic feelings, responded by saying "well that makes me feel like I should never do them again."
WHOOPS. I back peddled on that one for quite a awhile before he went back to doing them again regularly. I will never make that mistake again!

[ninelives]

Originally Posted by annmartina

I suspect the assumed choice between baby and marriage is one of the biggest factors in families choosing not to co-sleep. I have friends who weren't even allowed into their parent's room during the day because of the perceived need to protect the sacredness of their parent's marriages. While that is more extreme than not allowing your child into your room at night, it's still an extension of the same idea.

Ah, consider the grand irony: they were conceived in that room; that's where their lives began, and yet they were no longer allowed in that room, even during the day. Ah, the great irony!

[GooeyRN]

I would be pi$$ed if dh woke me for sex! I am willing to have sex just about anywhere in the house. It doesn't have to be in our bed. Our problem is just finding the time, not that there is a kid or 2 in the bed. By the time both kids are sleeping we are both exhausted. That would happen regardless of sleeping arrangements. Our marriage would suck if not for co-sleeping. Its the only way I can get enough sleep to not be a sleep deprived miserable mess. :

[KnitLady]

Eh...sex doesn't have to happen at night or in bed. I think it's funny and strange that other people are suddenly so interested in concerned about our sex life when they find out we are co-sleeping. Co-sleeping hasn't destroyed our marriage. Not co-sleeping would have put a strain on our marriage though because DS wouldn't sleep anywhere else. Put everyone where they get the most sleep and you are more likely to have adults who are better rested and more up for sex.

[loraxc]

You know, I have known quite a few couples whose marriages have taken some serious hits from long-term cosleeping and baby sleep issues. No one got divorced, but some of them decided "no more kids." Let's not pussyfoot around. Cosleeping really can be hard on a marriage/family.

We have a full-sized bed and no money or space for anything bigger. DS and I are going through hard sleep times anyway, and with the small bed, it just sucks for DH and isn't fair to him. So DS and I are cosleeping and my husband is on the couch. It really is no fun, and I miss my husband. A lot. For now the cosleeping is what baby needs, but I will be working to get him to a crib when he's older.

I also find that talking before sleep is one of our most intimate couple times, and once baby gets old enough to be easily disturbed we lose that. It's about much more than sex, for me (though that's an issue too).

Also, I never would have sex with the child in the room or bed. It's really really not for me, at all. I kinda resent the implication that this makes me uptight.

I don't think anyone is well-served by the idea that people who struggle with hard times due to cosleeping are in a marriage that can't handle kids.

[LoveChild421]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I always find the cosleeping and sex argument so bizarre. I don't know who these people are who only have sex in a bed.

I agree...and there's always the "guest bedroom" if you just find GIO in a bed more comfy...

My friends always assume we have no sex life because dp sleeps in "his room" and I sleep in another room with the kids...then I inform them that I "visit" dp after I put the kids to bed and they get miffed that we GIO more than they do!

[LoveChild421]

Originally Posted by loraxc

Also, I never would have sex with the child in the room or bed. It's really really not for me, at all. I kinda resent the implication that this makes me uptight.

I don't think it makes you uptight at all...I'm the same way...who wants to get almost "there" and have a 3 year old wake up screaming because of all the noise distrubing his sleep? No way.

[Incubator]

Originally Posted by LoveChild421

I don't think it makes you uptight at all...I'm the same way...who wants to get almost "there" and have a 3 year old wake up screaming because of all the noise distrubing his sleep? No way.

:

We're now having this problem. DS has started sleeping in his own toddler bed wedged between our bed and the wall, but it is very awkward when he wakes up (which thank god has only happened twice, but MAN! what a moodkiller!) I'm thinking about cleaning out the closet.... It's a BIIIIIIG closet... you know.. like... big enough to put a mattress in? Before someone also calls me uptight, I love the kitchen, but we don't live alone. Sometimes the rest of the house isn't an option because it would be disrespectful. And our bathroom doesn't have enough space for our particular brand of fun.

[shooflymama]

I agree with Loraxc.

If we ever had another baby, I would consider figuring out if it was possible for us to NOT co-sleep after the first few months. (We co-slept with DS1 till 20 months, are still mostly co-sleeping with DS2 at 19 months).

Just my experience, for what it's worth.

[pookel]

Cosleeping or not, I've got no energy or libido for at least the first 12 months or so. At least with the baby in the bed I get more sleep.

[MilkTrance]

Originally Posted by honeybeedreams

:

right, because mom getting up 6 times in the middle of the night to feed the baby doesn't affect her ability (or desire) to stay awake for sex you know.

My thoughts exactly.

I think that crib sleeping goes hand-in-hand with formula feeding. Formula-fed babies tend to sleep longer and can be fed by either mom or dad (my brother's baby book states that he STTN at TWO months!). There is no "need" for a formula-fed baby to sleep next to Mom, so co-sleeping happens less often.

[stacyann21]

Honestly, if anything destroys your sex life it's having a baby...not co-sleeping. The only way DB and I could have sex while DS sleeps would be if he were down the hall in his own room (he's a very light sleeper) and that will never happen

I think that crib sleeping goes hand-in-hand with formula feeding.

I agree. I don't understand how you BF a crib sleeper. We'd be up all night because as soon as I put DS down, he wakes up.

[Arwyn]

I don't know how, but I know people do. Some people do by getting up out of bed and sitting in a rocker several times a night. Some people do a combination crib and bed. Some people let their little ones cry in the middle of the night until they learn not to, or use formula at night, or have their partner get up and give a bottle of pumped milk. It happens, even if I can't imagine doing it, and sometimes it happens in very attached, loving ways, and sometimes not.

[pookel]

Originally Posted by stacyann21

I agree. I don't understand how you BF a crib sleeper. We'd be up all night because as soon as I put DS down, he wakes up.

If you had a kid like my first, you'd understand. He would not lie down to go to sleep - he would just scream and scream unless you got up and rocked him. Then once he was sound asleep, you could put him down wherever, except that if we put him down in our bed and then we moved around in the night, we'd wake him up. In the crib, by himself, he slept longer. Plus, we didn't have to lie frozen in uncomfortable positions to try to avoid waking him up.

What this worked out to was that I had to get up with him anyway, every time he woke up, and it was easier to put him down in the crib than bring him to bed with us.

Now, with Simon, he'll just lie down with us, nurse, and go to sleep. In the middle of the night, he wakes up, nurses, rolls over, and goes back to sleep. I can read while he's sleeping next to me and he doesn't wake up, and I can move around normally in bed without waking him up, and I don't have to get up and rock him every time he wakes up. It's an amazing thing. NOW I understand how people can say you get more sleep cosleeping; I never understood that before.

[phathui5]

we set aside adult time in the evening to be together elsewhere in the house while the baby sleeps in our bed.

That worked for us when we had one or two kids. Now that ds1 or dd could wander downstairs to use the bathroom or put a book away, it's a little more difficult.

[MichaelsSahm]

I don't think sharing a room or bed with kids destroys married life. Its almost like some people feel the need to blame their problems on the kids. If you chose to have a family bed/room great, if you can get some nookie in the bedroom while kids are sleeping, great. If you have different rooms to get some, groovy. If you can't figure out where to do it, then i would question myself "how badly do I really want it then?" LOL Because to me, if I want me some, i don't care where it is. LOL!

[anitaj71]

Ya . . co sleeping does not ruin a marriage BUT I DO miss my dh. We often sleep apart because it's too crowded for all three of us in one bed. I really miss the first thing in the morning nookie. Just waking up . . . rolling over snuggling in. Especially after a good nights sleep. Looking forward to ds sleeping in his own bed so I can snuggle in the dh and wake up next to dh. and . . .

[texanatheart]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I always find the cosleeping and sex argument so bizarre. I don't know who these people are who only have sex in a bed.

The other day dh and I were discussing this, and I said, "You would think that the people who argue that co-sleeping would affect their sex life would be the ones who are more sexually creative and would know how to find a way to have sex at another time than at 10pm in their bed."