Torn, no more LO's?

[ipeabody]

This is probably the wrong forum, but I wasn't sure where to post. I am really torn about wanting more kids or not. We had always wanted two. My dh says no more, and I do agree it would be the best and certainly most practical decision, but a part of me is not sure. We've had a hard time of the family planning thing. I've had three miscarriages and then we couldn't get pregnant. We had to do IUI and medications etc, which mean't driving every morning for 3-4 months, about 2hours into the city for 7am for treatment and then getting back to work and doing a longer day to make up for missed hours. My pregnancy was hard, brutal morning sickness and then when that finally passed, the baby was sitting on my lungs and I could hardly breathe (I'm short and baby was big). Then my natural childbirth turned into an emergency c-section which was really traumatic. My midwife has basically indicated that there is no way I can give birth naturally and not to try for VBAC. Then to add insult to injury my thyroid ended up dying on me and I was miserable until my doctor finally diagnosed it 6 months later. My dh thinks to do this again would be too hard on my body, and too hard on us, especially while trying to care for an active toddler. I agree, it would be. My mom is also worried about my health if we try again. But I am still sad about it. Anybody else have words of advice about how to resolve this feeling, experience, wisdom?

[pibblestiltskin@ma]

I've been there. I have two kids ages 5 and 7. With my first I had high blood pressure and was on bedrest for several weeks. My second was born 7 weeks premature and had to stay in the NICU for 3 weeks. I would have loved to have another and it was very difficult to accept that I probably wouldn't. I love being pregnant, i adore newborn babies and all the sleepless nights that go with them. Dh was adamant that we not have more. My OB said that while she wouldn't say not to try again, there was a risk of another preemie and that I needed to think about the possibility of bedrest, complications, another NICU stay etc. Putting my current family through that would not have been fair as I have always been the main caretaker of the family - we don't have anyone nearby to help with the kids and can't afford to hire help. Who would care for the kids I already had if I were on bedrest or otherwise unable to? What if there were major health complications for me or the baby?

It literally took me years to come to peace with the decision. I guess I don't have any words of wisdom, but I know exactly how you feel. Really it just took time.

[CarrieMF]

Is dh against more kids or you being pg again? if it is the pg thing, then is surrogacy or adoption an option?

[ipeabody]

He's worried about pregnancy, not so much the kids thing. We did look into adoption after the third miscarriage, but where we live the local children's aid, the U.S equivalent of CPS, is on a break from adoption so it would be a long time before we could do a homestudy, let alone adopt. So a possible long term solution, but a few years down the road. International adoption is just way too expensive. Domestic, non-children's aid adoption is way too scarey and costly, though not crazy expensive like international. We saw an adoption counsellor and she told us that many of the private domestic adoptions fall through at the last minute and given all the disappointments we'd already had we couldn't face that.

We have a long time to think about adoption, which is a good thing. My fertility however is waning as I turned 35 in March, so that decision is more pressing I guess.

[damona]

i understand the longing for another baby, no matter how hard it is on your body. i've got 4 kids (7 pregnancies), and each one was harder. i now have chronic back and joint problems, and my chances of carrying another child to term was figured at slim to none so i had my tubes tied after my last baby was delivered by emergency c-section. my heart breaks a little every month when aunt flo shows up. i want another baby so badly, even tho i've got my hands full already! i don't know what to tell you mama, since i haven't resolved my own feelings on the subject, i just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[rightkindofme]

Oh goodness. I don't know how you feel. I've never been there, but I'm really sorry for your situation. I have no words of wisdom or help.

My partner and I plan to foster as soon as our kids are no longer infants. It isn't the same thing as adoption and they aren't ever "your" kids, but they are kids who desperately need homes and love. I have no idea if that is something that would be interesting to you.

I wish you peace.

[Mama Poot]

I hear you on the health issue. while mine are nowhere near as serious as yours, I know that I've reached a point where it would be unwise to push my body any farther. I know that after birthing this baby I will be ending my "reproductive years", even though I am only 23. My first two are very close in age, 11.5 months apart, and this baby will be 23 months apart from ds2. I suppose I could give myself a 5 year break, but my hands are already full, and honestly my heart is, too. I guess I just *know* that I am done. We had talked about having 4 kids, but 3 is just fine too.

If its something you're okay with, you could always adopt a child. There are so many children that need a loving home.

[ipeabody]

Thanks for all the kind replies. Honestly, adoption had slipped my mind as an option and I am glad you all reminded me, it does make me feel better. I guess I just need to let go of the idea of ever being pregnant again. I don't know why that would be so hard given that I was absolutely miserable

I don't think I'm strong enough to be a foster parent, hats off to all of you who do it. I am actually a social worker and worked for children's aid years ago. (Before I get flamed for that, it was a great organization and our first priority was to keep families together providing whatever support and counselling we could, though not always possible). P.S, while I'm defending cps, there are some social workers who are cool with attachment parenting, lots that I have worked with. I have a more fun, less stressful job now in public health and there are lots of babywearing,co-sleeping, non-vaccinating mama's there too.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by ipeabody

I don't think I'm strong enough to be a foster parent, hats off to all of you who do it. I am actually a social worker and worked for children's aid years ago. (Before I get flamed for that, it was a great organization and our first priority was to keep families together providing whatever support and counselling we could, though not always possible). P.S, while I'm defending cps, there are some social workers who are cool with attachment parenting, lots that I have worked with. I have a more fun, less stressful job now in public health and there are lots of babywearing,co-sleeping, non-vaccinating mama's there too.

I was in the system as a kid and I'm grateful that social workers exist and that they help take care of the kids who need it so much. Thank you for taking on that difficult job.