S/O: Would you have children if ...

[Katie Bugs Mama]

you knew that you had a medical condition that made it unlikely that you would live to see them grow up?

I'll share my story and perspective later in the thread because I don't want to influence anyone's responses.

[WeasleyMum]

I just don't know. Terribly helpful, right? But it's such a conflicting, troubling idea... On the one hand, starting a family is essentially an obsession for me, all I've thought about for a really long time; on the other, well, obviously... to have them go without a mother-- is it selfish? Then again, nobody can guarantee that they'll be around; being healthy right now doesn't mean something can't happen later that would result in the same situation... And most people aren't sorry they were born, regardless of the circumstances.

And there are all kinds of other factors: who raises the child should you die? How do they feel about the idea? Is there a support network? Extended family? Community? Or will they be essentially alone? Are there other children already-- siblings-- or will s/he be an only child?

To be completely honest, I'd probably "accidentally" get pregnant... gutless, I know. But what if you decide not to have a baby and then you make it through OK after all? That would make me bitter beyond belief, I fear.

I'm sure all this waffling and indecision has helped you immensely...

[lotusdebi]

Probably. There are no guarantees in life anyway. I had children when I never thought I would due to diseases that run in my family. The urge to procreate won over my hesitation.

But, it really makes no difference what I would or wouldn't do. It's completely up to the people involved, and I don't think that there's a wrong answer.

[FancyD]

Maybe. It depends, I guess.

[patronia]

It depends what sort of time span we're talking about. If I could potentially die when my kids were 15-20, I probably would attempt to have kids. Less than that I doubt I could, personally.

But I'd probably have foster kids or something.

[lasciate]

Yes, I would.

[Maggie05]

I would also want to consider my partner's feelings.

I honestly don't have enough info. to answer, though. It would depend on so many factors. I certainly would not rule out the idea.

[GuildJenn]

For me it would depend on my partner's wishes and also what the capability was for insurance/financial planning. Being a single parent is really hard and I would want to make sure there was some money available to help.

In fact a good friend of mine had a child when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. He had had cancer as a child and aggressive radiation treatments. They knew that his prognosis was not good and they went ahead and got pregnant before he started chemo and radiation. His condition went downhill and he was driven from his hospital to hers in an ambulance for the birth of his second daughter, and died at home 4 months later. The kids are now in elementary school and it has been a hard road for my friend, but she does not regret the decision much (sometimes of course she does, or at least the facts of it, late at night alone).

She knew that she had a good job going for her and a few other things, but she also lost her mother recently and it is harder than she imagined. Watching her I myself just think that this is one of those things that is easy to underestimate because of course no one would ever wish a CHILD away. But it has taken a toll on her, especially in her personal life. Like anything there are opportunities and challenges. No one would wish her second daughter away, but the best case really would have been that no one had to die in the first place.

I think it is very personal.

[Mosaic]

Probably not. I can't say for sure, obviously, but my inclination is that no, I wouldn't have children. I was on the fence about having children, and one of my concerns was depression (my history of it, passing on that tendancy to a child, and the likelihood that I will not die from old age given this history). If I had other medical concerns that were not as easily treated, I'd be reluctant to have children.

[Kessed]

It would depend on alot of different factors.

If my DH was the one with the condition - then I would for sure have children with him. If it was me - I think it would depend on how long I would live for.

But probably yes.

[Tigerchild]

It would depend on my partner, and how much money they had to fight a potential legal custody battle with my parents.

So really, until my DH (who does), the answer would have been no, I couldn't risk my parents getting custody of my child.

[EFmom]

No, I absolutely would not. I am a breast cancer survivor and while I am currently cancer free, I worry constantly about not being their for my kids while they grow up.

[becoming]

Not if I was most likely going to die within the first 5 years of the child's life. Other than that, yes.

[bri276]

If I had a reasonable expectation of about 20 yrs, yes. Anything less, I'm not sure- very few years, definitely, definitely not.

[Individuation]

I would and, very possibly, have.

[Daffodil]

No, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. The thought of dying and leaving my children motherless is as horrible to me as the thought of one of them dying. As someone else said, I'd probably consider having foster kids, or maybe adopting an older child.

[philomom]

Probably not. I have a dear friend who lost her mom at the age of 8. I love her but she has serious "issues".

[EFmom]

Originally Posted by Daffodil

No, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. The thought of dying and leaving my children motherless is as horrible to me as the thought of one of them dying. As someone else said, I'd probably consider having foster kids, or maybe adopting an older child.

My kids were adopted. I actually think it makes this kind of situation worse. They've already had to deal with the loss of their birthfamilies--it would be unthinkable for them to have to deal with yet another loss.

[kathymuggle]

Maybe.

If it was one of those - "this is serious - but you could die soon from it - or in 30 years" - I probably would.

If my ability to cope with a child was low, or if I was in a lot of chronic pain, or the prognosis was fairly certain death before the child hits their early 20's -probably not.

Partners definately get a say

Kathy

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

It would depend on my partner, and how much money they had to fight a potential legal custody battle with my parents.

So really, until my DH (who does), the answer would have been no, I couldn't risk my parents getting custody of my child.

Can I ask why this would be a fear of yours? I can't imagine a judge taking custody away from a biological parent to give to the grandparents unless there was something seriously messed up going on (severe drug addiction, neglect, abuse or something like that comes to mind). Some states do have "grandparent rights" which is more or less the right to *visitation* in some circumstances. But custody when a fit parent is still alive? Not likely.