S/O: Would you have children if ... - Page 3

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by Katie Bugs Mama

you knew that you had a medical condition that made it unlikely that you would live to see them grow up?

No.

I know that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, but if I were fairly certain I would die while my kids were young, I wouldn't have kids.

dm

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Katie Bugs Mama

Thanks for all of the replies. It was interesting to see the range of answers.

I asked the question because it's always been a big issue in my life. See, my maternal grandmother and my mother both died of breast cancer in their 40's. Because my grandmother in her 30's when she had my mom, mom was only 11 when she lost her mother. As a direct result of this, my mother chose to have me when she was 19 so that, if she suffered the same fate as her mother, I would be an adult. Her plan worked: I was 29 when my mother died at age 49.

This was all on my mind when I had to decide whether or not to have children. I was 30 and could not get passed the fear that I would not live to see 50. I made the conscious decision that 18 would be "old enough" for my hypothetical child to cope with losing her mother before I even started TTC.

Of course, this is just what goes on in the deepest darkest recesses of my mind. On a day to day basis, I don't look at dd and think "11 years until you're on your own, kid." However, the fear has influenced me not to have a second child, who would be a young teenager if my life expectancy is like that of my mother and her mother.

But I think in this specific case things are very different for you now. You could have elective surgery to remove your breasts (I've seen this done) as a way to prevent having breast cancer. That's a very scary option and obviously you'd want to discuss that with many doctors. Also, regular screenings are better now than they were during the time your mother and grandmother died. Finally, treatment is better, too.

But to answer the question--even before I knew your situation--I would say that I would have the children regardless of what I thought would happen to me. The reason is this: having children is about bringing a person into the world with the realization that you are doing so to help THEM be the best that they can be for themselves and to transform the world in a tiny way in general. In the end, it doesn't have as much to do with me as I might think it does. They can still turn out to be wonderful people without me in the world to guide them. On a purely selfish level, it would break my heart not to see them grow up--of course, I think about stuff like that all the time.

[violet_]

My cousin has a terrible disease that give brain tumors (non-cancerous) over and over until she dies. It's the same disease her mother died of when she was 4 or 5. It's very hereditary (50% chance), and, while docs are better at removing tumors without removing too much extra brain lately, and the tumors usually just sit there, the tumors grow like crazy in puberty and pregnancy.

So as you can imagine, we always told her from when she was farily young that she shouldn't have kids, as the act of being pregnant would likely kill her. Plus her kid might get the same disease and deal with that on top of having a dead mom. She eventually got her tubes tied, but not soon enough.

So, one day when she was around 20, she found out she was pregnant. She told her doc, and he was so anti-abortion that he tried to convince her she'd be ok and could have the baby! He lied to her from a position of trust and I blame him partially for what has happened since.

So, during pregnancy a brain tumor grew to grapefruit size and they rushed her straight from delivery into surgery. She's never been the same since. She has gone deaf, has trouble speaking, her facial muscles aren't working properly -- she looks just like her mother did before death. Conversation with her is heartbreaking, as he's constantly talking to people who aren't there, and saying how she's Kennedy's daughter or talking about aliens and such. She's lost it. And, when she and her kid's dad split, he got custody (of course). Her ex is abusive, but thankfully he's not keeping her daughter now. The child (now 10) lives with her paternal grandfather and he brings her to visit her mother (my cousin) every weekend. It must be so awful for her, just watching her mother deteriorate like that! And it was all preventable.

All because her doctor thought he was so morally superior and couldn't counsel her that she needed to terminate the pregnancy to safe her life. We don't know yet if the 10 year old has the same disease. She's a little young to see the effects. There's no test except to look for brain tumors. So we wait.

[AllisonR]

Depends on
1. how old the children would be when I would die.
2. how well DH will cope and be a great dad to his kids

The death of a parent is horrible at any age, but there is a huge difference between a 6 month old losing his mother, compared to a 4 year old, compared to a 11 year old, compared to a 20 year old.

[momz3]

Originally Posted by EFmom

No, I absolutely would not. I am a breast cancer survivor and while I am currently cancer free, I worry constantly about not being their for my kids while they grow up.

I always fear of leaving my kids without a mother...so I probably would not.

That said..you could have kids and get hit by a truck...so...as a pp said, there are no guarantees in life. Just have to go with your heart.

[TefferTWH]

One of my best friends is dealing with this right now. She has a painful disease whose side effects will most likely kill her young, and until she dies, she will be in nearly constant pain or discomfort with no cure in sight. It hit her after she weaned her son at 4 months, and she's been dealing with the reality of it for almost 2 years now. She's got baby fever bad, but she worried about the probability of passing it on to her children and whether or not the strain of a second child will so diminish her strength as to kill her or cause even more harm. It's a tough decision and you can't really know if it was the right one since there are so many factors. Just difficult!

[bellacymom]

I really don't know. What a scary and hard decision that would be to make. I am not sure I would though. I am 27 right now and in very real danger of losing my mom to lymphoma and it is excruciating for me and I am an adult. I guess any of us could go at any time though.