Totally spent...wanna be my therapist?

[Phoebe]

I'm going to go ahead with my rant here in our due date club since that's the state of my physical being right now...pregnant. This is more a mental thing though...

I have been at the end of my rope for the past, I don't know, six weeks or more. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I have little or no patience with my kids (4yrs and 18months). This pregnancy was unexpected so the thought of adding to it overwhelms me that much more. I am not the mother I want to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not abusive to my kids but I catch myself hollering or just going on and on and saying things like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" to my very sweet and mild 4 yr old...after he does something like immitates something wrong or messy his little brother does. Totally normal stuff that I just can't handle.

I've been yucky in the stomach for the past 10 weeks or so (I'm almost 13 now so I know I'm about to round that corner thank goodness). And of course exhausted with a child still nursing at night. I feel like I have to be "on" all day every day...and I DO have to be "on". I have no choice. I can't just check out for a half day or more like I'd like to.

I know..."let your husband take over on the weekends and give you a break". I sabotage that. He works for a company 50 hrs a week (weekdays and a few hrs a weekend here and there this early spring), plus he has his own business that takes some time on weekends as well. He is stepping up the business and I'm sure that it will take more of a comitment from him here in the near future. He works very hard to make sure we have what we need. We live fairly modestly. Things are getting to be so expensive, gas grocerys, etc. It looks as if we will need a bigger car to accomodate the new baby. Anyway, I feel like he works so hard and when he has some time off he needs to be able to recharge. He deserves it. The last thing I want him to do is come home from his job and take over mine. After all, I'm lucky enough to just stay home all day with the kids, right? I know he'd rather be home with the kids all day than working for the man, you know?
So....I put myself off and suffer. Then everyone suffers. Problem is that I don't know how to stop it.

Dh is on an anual fishing vacation with 10 buddies. He's gone 4-5 days. Again, the man deserves a little R&R. He calls every morning with a rough voice from staying up late, drinking, fishing, cuttin' up. This morning my high maintenance little on just hollered and hollered. Dh called. I couldn't talk to him. I told him I was at the end of my rope. I needed a vacation too. I said "I don't want to talk right now. I don't have anything to say and I don't want to hear about your vacation." So totally selfish of me. I cried and said bye. See what I mean? I want to be kind...but I can't because I'm spent.

I don't have friends that I can go fishing with. I want to stay up late drinking, not having to worry about my little one wanting me at any point. This has gone on for 4 years.

Please give me some free therapy. My health savings account has a $4000 deductible, otherwise I'd pay for it!!!

Amy

[goylesgirl]

Don't know how much help I can be, but couldn't read and not post. I am feeling very similar, but I am expecting help, just not getting it. I understand why you don't want to ask for help, but you need it. You don't want to be a martyr, you will get burnt out. Yes, I do think you are lucky to be staying home, but even people that love their jobs, need some time off. That way you can continue to love your "job" and be the kind of mommy you want to be. He may be working 50+ hrs/wk, but you are on 24/7. Figure out something that you would like/need to do ( writing, reading, exercising, gardening...) and try to make some regular time for it, while he could be hanging out with the kids. Have you asked him for help? Does he know how your are feeling? No matter what, though if he is going off for 5 days on vacation, he should be considerate to at least give you a weekend to yourself.

[Phoebe]

Dh does ask to help and offers often. I just don't take it. I feel guilty. You said it...martyr. I tend to fall into that role alot in my life.

That was worth $100! Thanks!

[EmmaWoodhouse]

I feel the same way sometimes too. But then when I really think about it, it is really my fault because I don't take the initiative to just go out and do something for myself. I have talked to my DH about feeling guilty for leaving him with the kids when he works so hard all the time, and he really doesn't mind me getting some alone time when I need it. I just don't all the time because it would also cut into time with DH when I do. But I have to make myself do it just to stay sane. So, I don't know, maybe if you spoke to your DH about how you are feeling and come to some sort of arrangement so you won't feel guilty about leaving him with the kids to get some alone time. And it would be really good for him too because then he will have some bonding time with the kids.

[MKury]

Phoebe- with the exception of me only having one child- an 11 month old, I feel very similarly. I find myself getting agitated with her, and I know she just doesn't understand. So, what I figured out is that I have to begin taking care of myself in order to be a good mom again. First, I asked for help from my parents and my neighbors. I know that sounds crazy, but I did it. My neighbor kept dd for several hours while I just went and had some alone time. She's older and was happy to do it. Then, after talking with dh, we decided to go full into partial nightweaning mode. I picked a 5 hour segment of time during the night where we were NOT going to nurse, and I was going to sleep. She HATED it the first few nights, but since I fill her up on solids before bedtime, I know she isn't hungry. I just sit up with her for a little bit, rock her back to sleep, and then she sleeps until about 5am. So, now, after almost a year of non-stop night nursing, and never more than 2 hours of sleep in a row, I have had 4 nights of un-interrupted sleep from 10pm to 3:30am. It has completely changed me! I can function again. It's hard to do it, but it is worth it in the end. Next, you can make a compromise with your dh- if he wants to help, let him once or twice a week. Let him keep the kids while you go for a walk, or take a nap, or do whatever for an hour. It's just an hour after all and it will work wonders for you. And finally, try to get away from the kids once or twice a month to do something that you feel is worthwhile- volunteering at a soup kitchen or crisis pregnancy center. A babysitter during the day for 2-3 hours wouldn't be that expensive, and you can get out of your "cooped up" realm. You would be helping others and then can refocus and re-prioritize, and love your SAH status. Best wishes to you.

[PookieMom]

I was in the same boat and this may sound strange but me, dh, and both kids all took a vacation together. We loaded up the van and spent four days with no house to clean, no work to do, just us and the kids. I was actually able to focus on just all of us as a family and not worry about those things like laundry, dishes, and what's for supper that can cloud things over. Have dh take you all fishing! And everyone needs some alone time now and then too.

[AugustineM]

Phoebe -- You definitely need some time to yourself. Sounds like you're realizing it. You give DH his time, you take yours. Force yourself to do it. Have you told DH how you feel bad taking time for yourself, yet you feel like you really need it? Maybe if you explain yourself well enough, and tell him that you need his help to "make" you go out and get a manicure, a massage, coffee time, whatever, then that would help you. My DH had to do this for me for a while. He'd get home from work and he'd basically PUSH me out the door!! I had the martyr problem for a while, but realized that it SUCKED completely, and I was such a better mom when I'd had a break now and then. Really. Do it. You will see!!!

[mochimama]

Phoebe,
I totally hear you. It's hard not to feel guilty (especially if you were brought up that way-I sure was), but you have got to take time for yourself. I had a really hard time the first few times, but it gets easier after a while. You can start with something small, like a walk or an hour to have coffee with a girlfriend, then work your way up to longer activities. Maybe you don't need a multi-day trip, but you need to give yourself a little break. Add up the hours you spend with the kids and the house every week. It's got to be more than the 50 he spends at work. You and dh are partners and you both deserve some time off.
Good luck!

[AugustineM]

I was just thinking, too, sometimes at first when I had my two little ones (21 months apart), when DH got home, he'd take a shower to sort of unwind quickly, and then he'd take the kids outside in the backyard. Then I'd have time to do whatever I wanted for about an hour... even if it was just making dinner in peace, or getting on the computer, or calling my mom, or whatever. It was really nice. And it didn't mean I had to *leave* and go "do" something, because sometimes I could never think of anything to do, yk?

But what is important is to talk to your DH about this and try and make a plan. Maybe make a plan where you have some time twice a week at first, and then see how it goes and work up to more time, if you want. Let us know how it goes!!

[gypsymomma4]

I have totally been where you are. for the first almost 6 years of my marriage, mom was my role. I didn't realize I was doing it, I just gave up everything else I did, because my kids came first, now that in and of itself is not a bad thing, but you gotta take time for you, because if you don't, it will all fall apart. Through a few acts of serendipity, I re-discovered an activity I was passionate about, sewing dolls, and stuffed animals. My DH was so supportive of me having a hobby of my own, I didn't really know what to think, I still felt guilty about any money I spent for stuff, if it wasn't something I was making for one of the kids, or a gift. Then I had a m/c and focusing on sewing helped me through. With my DH's encouragement, I found a group of other doll makers and started attending a monthly meeting. Two or three hours once a month was more than I had ever been away from my kids, but it was so wonderful. I still come home energized, and refreashed, and far more tollerant of all the noise, and messes that come with four kids. I have also on a few occasions actually gone by myself to conferences and been away from home for up to four days. I come back with my cup so overflowing, it lasts for months. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I am so greatful I did learn it, because by occasionally taking a break, I can give so much more. My Dh has been the breadwinner for almost the last 10 years, and everytime I feel guilty about that, we sit down and add up how much all I do is worth, from day care costs, to laundry, to budget, to cleaning, to making appointments, to cooking, and teaching the kids. He always reminds me that we are in this together, and while they are my responsibility those hours he is away, they are our responsibility together, the moment he walks back through that door.

[bax]

I just want to say, you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I am very lucky to have a DH who is chill and able to help a lot with household things when he's home from work, but I'm still at the end of my rope most days. We moved to a new town, and I don't know anyone, and literally spend 11 hours a day, 5 days/wk alone w/ my 21 mo DD. Most days I end up freaking out about something and crying and being much more cold and curt with my LO than I would like. And with another on the way, half the time I'm thinking, "How in the heck am I ever going to manage TWO?!?" But we have realized that I really need to invest time in myself--if not for me, for DD and DH. I can't be a good mommy or wife--or, heck, person--if I am a basket case. When I'm feeling most down is when I most need time, but it's when I'm most reluctant to take it! So I really have to force myself. Just think about one day at a time. Even a half hour on the front stoop alone with a journal or a cell phone to call a friend is like medicine. Good luck and hugs.