I just really need to vent in a place where people understand. Please don't quote me directly, because I'll probably delete this in a few days, as I'm not sure how comfortable I am having info on the ex out there.
DD's dad lives about 900 miles away. He never sees her. He never calls. He talks to me all the time, but I always have to put DD on the phone when he calls (which is infrequent, usually he contacts me via IM/email). He never specifically calls to talk to her. He is good about child support, and even extra money when I am short. We have had issues in the past when I have had to fight him on it, but overall he has been good about it. He loves DD, but he doesn't seem to show it...I am definitely not trying to defend him here, but sometimes I truly believe that he just does not see how much he is hurting her. He does not get it.
The last time he saw DD was at Christmas, when he came out to stay. He sees her maybe 2-3 times a year, for about 5 days at a time. We had plans to go visit him for DD's spring break, but he was laid off from his job, and found a new job. At the same time, he started dating someone new. At that point, he told us not to bother coming up, because he said that he could not afford the time off from work (he is new and would therefore have to take unpaid leave until he accrues vacation). Which is understandable, but we have lots of family and friends where he lives. We would have spent time with them in the daytime, which would have given DD time with him in the evenings. And also, at the time, I did not have any paid leave for work, so I just set aside money to pay myself for a week so that I could drive DD to him. He makes A LOT more money than I do. It would not have been difficult for him to work it out. But whenever he is dating someone, he would rather spend time with them than with DD. He left me to break the news to DD that she was not going to see him. She was devastated. For months, all she had been talking about was her vacation to daddy's house.
Fast forward about two months. He called me and told me that he was engaged (to his girlfriend of about 2 months). He told me that they are in the process of buying a house together, and that he has managed to save over $20,000 in the last year for a down payment. But he couldn't afford to take a day or two off work to spend with his daughter. He also still has not taken care of her health insurance since he switched jobs, and she is currently uninsured. I was laid off two months ago, and am having no luck in finding a job here. He knows that we are struggling. I am collecting $100 a week in unemployment and child support. There is just no way that I can afford to add insurance for DD right now, and he knows it. We are barely able to afford food at this point. I had to drain my savings a couple of weeks ago to pay for emergency dental work for DD because he LIED to me and told me that she was covered on his dental insurance when she wasn't. He makes well over $100,000 a year and lives in a low CoL area.
He told me that his fiancee is so excited to be a stepmom, and that she is so glad that he is so involved in DD's life. He also said that she is adamant that DD always has her own room in their home so that she always feels at home there...and of course, now he is talking about having DD come for regular visitation. I have mixed feelings on this...for reasons I don't want to get into right now, because this is already getting long!
He also told me that he wants DD to be a flower girl, and that they have planned their entire wedding scheme around the flower girl dress that they picked out for DD. I'm going to leave the choice up to DD, I think. I do have some reservations about the whole thing, namely that her dad is never involved, but when he wants to parade her around and act like he is super-dad, then he does it, and I feel like it's exploiting her. I also think that they should have asked her how she felt about it before they went and planned it, but like I said, I am going to let DD decide how she feels about it, and I will support her.
On top of all of this, he called me the other day to tell me that he is spending the weekend in Vegas with his fiancee. Vegas is *very* close to my house...it is less than a 3 hour drive (compared to a 12 hour drive to his house). I offered to bring DD to see him...not long enough to ruin his trip, but at least for an hour or two, so that he could maybe have lunch with her, or take her for ice cream, or something small. He hasn't seen her in nearly 6 months, and I thought it was a decent opportunity, because he is always telling me that he misses her so much. But he told me no, that this trip is special, because he and his fiance have never gone anywhere together (they've been together 2 months - they haven't had time!), so he just wanted to spend it with her. I get wanting an adult-only weekend, really I do...but EVERY weekend is an adult only weekend for him. If I hadn't seen my kid in 6 months, I would jump at the chance! Heck, if I hadn't seen her in a week I would jump at the chance!
I'm just so frustrated with the whole thing, and it breaks my heart to know how devastated DD would be if she knew that he was so close and didn't want to see her. And it makes me so angry. I just needed to get this out. If you made it this far, thanks. It feels good to vent.
), but there is a whole lot that comes with the fun of having a little girl in the house. There is homework, tooth brushing, tantrums, getting hit with a bag of graham crackers while you are driving... you know - how kids really are. There are also really sweet moments, but it isn't the same a being a child's mom. It just isn't. Two months into a relationship, especially when you may not have even met the child in question, you have no way of knowing. None.
