Anyone regret divorce?

[That Is Nice]

Hi. I'm a married SAHM who is wondering about divorce. I've been contemplating it for a while now because of long standing marriage issues that aren't getting resolved year after year.

So...

I am just looking at this from different angles. I know divorce is a huge, life changing event, and can be a drawn out process.

I'm a little afraid of the process and the outcome.

Anyone regret divorce? Or did it make your life much better and you never looked back?

Thank you so much.

[EmmetnLindley]

I would suggest Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It walks you through making the decision to stay or leave a relationship.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by EmmetnLindley

I would suggest Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It walks you through making the decision to stay or leave a relationship.

Thank you!

[BugMacGee]

I was afraid to go forward. We'd separated twice before it was finally over.

It's not been easy but I have absolutely no regrets. It was the best decision for everyone involved.

A friend once told me when she was ending her relationship that she may be alone for the rest of her life but it didn't justify staying miserable where she was. (she said it much more eloquently of course)

Good luck. It's a hard decision.

[lah7]

I'm not divorced yet. Heck, I'm barely separated. My stbx moved out in early April. Tomorrow, he's coming over to pack up his stuff and move it into his new apartment on Monday.

Honestly? This past month has been so wonderful. I am so much happier without him. I am so relaxed compared to how things were. I've spent much more time alone with the kids, and yet I have more emotional reserves to deal with them because I'm not stressed out dealing with my husband all day.

My divorce will take a LONG time due to the jurisdiction I'm in (requring a 1 year separation before having adequate grounds for divorce). But I can't possibly imagine regretting it.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by BugMacGee

I was afraid to go forward. We'd separated twice before it was finally over.

It's not been easy but I have absolutely no regrets. It was the best decision for everyone involved.

A friend once told me when she was ending her relationship that she may be alone for the rest of her life but it didn't justify staying miserable where she was. (she said it much more eloquently of course)

Good luck. It's a hard decision.

Thanks. That really resonated with me, "may be alone for the rest of her life but it didn't justify staying miserable..."

That is exactly how I feel. Thanks again.

[Al Dente]

I've been separated 7 months now. Throughout all the money issues and the feelings of inadequacy that I could be a single mom, I've gained absolute peace. I'm the happiest I've been in years. My only regret? That I didn't leave sooner. I realized that I was waiting to be happy for my life to start...so I started my life to become happy.

[AlmostAPpropriate]

I stood at the edge of divorce many times last year. In the end I decided to stay. I am glad I did, we have recovered. I stayed during the worst of it because I was unable to earn enough to continue our lifestyle and have not family support. In our case there was no physical/verbal abuse. Its one of those things where I say I'll jump in front of a bus to save my kids, surely I can put up with their dad who they love so much.

in my case I had to really weigh the pros and cons. What was in it for me, what was in it for the kids, etc. but like I said, things changed for us. had they continued on the same path the cons would've won. so it boils down to: how bad is it, how long has it been this bad, do you both want to save it?

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lah7

Honestly? This past month has been so wonderful. I am so much happier without him. I am so relaxed compared to how things were. I've spent much more time alone with the kids, and yet I have more emotional reserves to deal with them because I'm not stressed out dealing with my husband all day.

(Best wishes to you as you navigate the divorce. I hope you find happiness and calm)

What you said above is how I feel when DH isn't around. He really drains me in every way. He drains my spirit. He drains me emotionally. I'm tired and unhappy when he's around.

When he's not hear, I feel so much better! So, I can understand what you mean.

Good luck!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lah7

My stbx moved out.

If I may ask, was that a mutual decision, or did he decide to move out? I've asked DH to move out on a trial basis and he flatly refuses. I'm going to have to be the one to move.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Al Dente

I've been separated 7 months now. Throughout all the money issues and the feelings of inadequacy that I could be a single mom, I've gained absolute peace. I'm the happiest I've been in years. My only regret? That I didn't leave sooner. I realized that I was waiting to be happy for my life to start...so I started my life to become happy.

Wonderful! I'm so happy for you. I wish you all the best! Enjoy your life now that you have entered a new era.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

I stood at the edge of divorce many times last year. In the end I decided to stay. I am glad I did, we have recovered. I stayed during the worst of it because I was unable to earn enough to continue our lifestyle and have not family support. In our case there was no physical/verbal abuse. Its one of those things where I say I'll jump in front of a bus to save my kids, surely I can put up with their dad who they love so much.

in my case I had to really weigh the pros and cons. What was in it for me, what was in it for the kids, etc. but like I said, things changed for us. had they continued on the same path the cons would've won. so it boils down to: how bad is it, how long has it been this bad, do you both want to save it?

I'm glad things have gotten better.

I've been in your shoes and walked that same path you walked last year. Well, I'm there now, truthfully. I don't have any family support. Nada. Nothing. Not going to happen.

So, it's daunting and a huge step to divorce. But not impossible and I can do it. I just need to figure things out.

I know what you mean about doing anything for your kids. I was thinking that way about 2 years ago when I first thought of divorce, but stuck with the fool for the kids. I'm not so sure about that decision, but I'm not sure of much anymore except that I'm not happy with him and it's not my fault entirely. And that he's most likely not going to change. And even if he did, he's crossed the line so many times I doubt I could love him again.

[AlmostAPpropriate]

Can u do a separation? My brother and his wife just got back together after a 2mo separations. He is a total ass. BUT it seems that he has gained some perspective, and god willing it will stick.

Not getting along is a far cry from soul sucking heartache.... it's been 2 years. thats a long time. many hugs and prayers for you. I am not one who believes everyone has the right to be "happy" but I do think we all have the right to be whole within ourselves.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

I am not one who believes everyone has the right to be "happy" but I do think we all have the right to be whole within ourselves.

So incredibly well said. Thank you.

[lah7]

Originally Posted by Spring Flower

If I may ask, was that a mutual decision, or did he decide to move out? I've asked DH to move out on a trial basis and he flatly refuses. I'm going to have to be the one to move.

Ha! It wasn't a mutual decision by any means. He assaulted my mother, we called the police, and they told him to leave. And then I got a protective order against him and agreed to drop it when he made an oath swearing to not to try to move back into the house until a judge decided otherwise.

I had asked him a number of times previously to move out. He refused. We were on very rocky ground beforehand, and I'd flat-out told him that the only reason we weren't already separated was because of finances. When he crossed the line into physical violence, the game was over. My family has backed me entirely, so finances aren't even the huge issue I'd thought they would be.

In some ways, it was a blessing that he did it. (Even my mother agrees.) It gave me the strength I needed to make the change I wanted, and took the power away from him. My only regret is that he hurt her. I honestly would've rather he'd hurt me, because she's still suffering from the assault.

Sometimes, I do miss him. But then I shake myself back to reality and remember the smug look on his face after he'd assaulted her, and I suddenly don't feel so lonely.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

Can u do a separation?

Thanks. I need to look into that in a serious way. I've looked briefly at the divorce and separation laws, but I really need to see which option works best. I am lucky to have one friend who is an attorney (although not a divorce attorney) so I'll ask him what he thinks, as well. That'll be a little embarrassing, but oh, well.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lah7

Ha! It wasn't a mutual decision by any means. He assaulted my mother, we called the police, and they told him to leave. And then I got a protective order against him and agreed to drop it when he made an oath swearing to not to try to move back into the house until a judge decided otherwise.

I had asked him a number of times previously to move out. He refused. We were on very rocky ground beforehand, and I'd flat-out told him that the only reason we weren't already separated was because of finances. When he crossed the line into physical violence, the game was over. My family has backed me entirely, so finances aren't even the huge issue I'd thought they would be.

In some ways, it was a blessing that he did it. (Even my mother agrees.) It gave me the strength I needed to make the change I wanted, and took the power away from him. My only regret is that he hurt her. I honestly would've rather he'd hurt me, because she's still suffering from the assault.

Sometimes, I do miss him. But then I shake myself back to reality and remember the smug look on his face after he'd assaulted her, and I suddenly don't feel so lonely.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry. You've been through a lot. I can't say enough that I wish you well.

I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.

I am lucky, I suppose, that the bulk of the "abuse" has been verbal. It's terrible, but I'm putting up with it (but obviously I've reached a turning point, or I wouldn't be thinking about divorce). There has been some physical violence, mostly directed at furniture, but a few times at me in a pretty minor way. (Not minor on my emotions). I know many, many women go through a lot more and have broken bones and black eyes. I've gotten a few bruises now and then, but nothing very serious. My heart aches for women in very threatening environments. Still, my tolerance for physical violence is quite low.

My situation is bad, but not life threatening. I have time to sort it all out if I can put up with yelling, etc. Good luck to you.

[Severine]

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

I stood at the edge of divorce many times last year. In the end I decided to stay. I am glad I did, we have recovered. I stayed during the worst of it because I was unable to earn enough to continue our lifestyle and have not family support. In our case there was no physical/verbal abuse. Its one of those things where I say I'll jump in front of a bus to save my kids, surely I can put up with their dad who they love so much.

in my case I had to really weigh the pros and cons. What was in it for me, what was in it for the kids, etc. but like I said, things changed for us. had they continued on the same path the cons would've won. so it boils down to: how bad is it, how long has it been this bad, do you both want to save it?

I'm so happy to see this. It gives me hope! DH (which I hope he will remain instead of STBX) left last month. I've been trying very hard to communicate with him and get to the crux of the matter because I feel our relationship is salvageable. I love him and I don't want to get divorced.

Originally Posted by AlmostAPpropriate

I am not one who believes everyone has the right to be "happy" but I do think we all have the right to be whole within ourselves.

Excellent way to put it!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Severine

I'm so happy to see this. It gives me hope! DH (which I hope he will remain instead of STBX) left last month. I've been trying very hard to communicate with him and get to the crux of the matter because I feel our relationship is salvageable. I love him and I don't want to get divorced.

Excellent way to put it!

:

Yes, she had a great post! I am so glad she shared her story and I really liked how she said it.

It was extremely helpful. Thanks again!

[nataliebassoon]

Keep in mind you can always do a "trial separation" before you make your final decision.