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Don't you just LOVE parenting advice from non-parents?

post #1 of 75
Thread Starter 
Because I do. My brother just told me that I should "step out of my comfort zone" sometimes.....and drive 5 hours in one day with my dd who hates the car (cries the whole time) to coem to his rehearsal dinner next week in a different state. He also alerted me that *other* people do it every day. Thanks.

Sorry, but I had to vent. I'm not crazy right?:
post #2 of 75
Your brother is so ridiculous. Parenting automatically throws you thousands of miles from your "comfort zone". Besides not wanting to take a 5 hour car ride isn't as much about your comfort as it is about the baby's comfort. I would not want t o drive for 5 hours with a screaming baby either, but I would be more concerned with the effect on the baby of having to scream for 5 hours. I think if it was me I'd just say, "Yeah, I used to think I knew everything before I had kids too"
post #3 of 75
Nope, you're not crazy.

"Stepping out of your comfort zone" would mean driving half an hour with a baby who hates the car, not 5 hours!

Sure, other people can handle long car trips with babies- but some babies love long car rides!

Your brother is being unrealistic and self-centered about this particular situation. That does NOT mean that "parenting advice from non parents" is always bad. If he had kids of his own, who happened to have loved long car rides, it's likely he would have been just as unrealistic and self-centered about this situation. Plus there are other non-parents who would have been perfectly understanding about why you couldn't make it.

When I was planning my first wedding, before having kids (but definitely thinking about TTC) I wouldn't have acted like that!
post #4 of 75
Other people drive 5 hours a day with a screaming child EVERY DAY? I bet they have some good quality ear plugs to be able to do that.

Yes, that stuff drives me crazy, too. My mom doesn't understand why I limit my trips to her house. And she is a parent! She just never had to travel with young kids so she doesn't "get it".
post #5 of 75
Uhh no that's crazy! My girls are very happy in the car and we have only done trips that long about once a year. If they screamed the whole way there is NO WAY I would do it. We are going to the beach which is 5 hours away in August the last time we went my girls were 2 1/2 and 3 months old and it went VERY smoothly surprisingly. I am very worried this time though lol. I went to my IL's house for mothers day weekend and my 10 month old didn't do so great. We may plan to leave at like 7pm which is a little bit before their bedtime so they will sleep most of the way. If you really want to go (which I wouldn't after that comment) would that be an option?
post #6 of 75
Thread Starter 
Oh, thanks. I needed reassurance here. My brother is very self centered in general, but it still caught me off guard. I just said to him over and over that I'm not *that* type of parent. He told me that she would eventually fall asleep after crying that long. I told him he might understand more when he has his own children.
I can't go around her naps or bed time either, because it's rush hour if I did that, and to get off of Long Island would be torture. Thanks mamas.
post #7 of 75
LOL. I would rather submit myself to a 5 hour root canal than try that with my DD. Even if she managed to fall asleep on the way there, that would mean she definitely wouldn't sleep on the way back! ridiculous. I can't go anywhere further than an hour- TOPS, unless it's the middle of the night.

Remind him of this when he has a toddler
post #8 of 75
Actually, I am pretty sure that there ARE lots of people who would do that for a rehearsal dinner.

And then, they'd be remembered as the snippy couple with the screaming, grumpy kids, who had to get up and leave the rehearsal dinner (or worse, didn't) when the whole family's stress-induced behavior started to spiral downward!

I wouldn't get hung up on the injustice of non-parents offering advice. It's done all the time. Even the "Continuum Concept" was written by, you guessed it, a non-parent.

Personally, I would have laughed out out, and told my brother "Dude, after 5 hours in the car with screaming kids, you don't WANT me at the rehearsal dinner. I'll have hair, all grey, like the bride of Frankenstine, the kids will probably be pukey and gassy from all the screaming, and won't be able to speak because I'd have had to bite off my tongue to keep from being super bitchy to the first person to make some sort of comment that my stress addled brain perceived as snide. I'll miss being there (hey, I'm not opposed to a little white lying, personally), how about if I just owe you a dinner out with your new bride when y'all come to visit?"

People want what they want. It's obvious he probably really wants YOU there, so that's why he's fussing and saying those things. You know better, as to how much you'll really be able to enjoy and celebrate his marriage when you will have to endure 5 hours of sheer hell to get there. I'd let what he says go. He's just disappointed to not have you there, that's not a bad thing is it? You can still feel good about doing the right thing for your kids.

And just take him and his wife out to dinner next time they're out your way. Or start pestering them to babysit. ;>
post #9 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Calla~ View Post
I told him he might understand more when he has his old children.
That is so true! It is torture to listen to your kid cry in the car constantly. I seriously cannot handle it.
post #10 of 75
I don't think his point of view is necessarily because he doesn't have children. I know parents who think that way. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the grandparents think this way.
post #11 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Calla~ View Post
. He told me that she would eventually fall asleep after crying that long. I told him he might understand more when he has his own children.
My dd, who is an "ok" traveler, once cried for 5.5 hours in the car....all.the.way. DH was driving and I tried *everything* to get her to stop. I was *exhausted* when I arrived at my destination point, and she promptly fell asleep.

People who give parenting advice and are not parents themselves are talking pure smack, IMO. This is one of the reasons that I will never choose doctors, dentists, etc. for my children if the provider isn't a parent to children of their own.
post #12 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyWild View Post
I don't think his point of view is necessarily because he doesn't have children. I know parents who think that way. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the grandparents think this way.
This is true. My own mother told me it was ok to let my dc's CIO......
post #13 of 75
send him a little something. is there a place that will deliver a bottle of wine or something? send a note that says thank you so much for wanting us there. sorry we couldn't make it. please enjoy this for us.

if it doesn't truly soften him and make him thankful to have a sister who cares so much then he can't complain because who could complain about that?!
post #14 of 75
I get that from my inlaws.

my mil told us that it's easier for us "young kids" to come and see her with the hate-to-ride toddler than it would be for her to ride to see us. (there is nothing wrong with her, and she doesn't work.)

my fil (they are divorced) told my husband he was trifling for not driving up there to see him more often. Er....he lives about 3 states away. Plus he's not likable or nice enough to want go that out of the way with getting off work and packing up the kid to go and see him. I mean who wants to visit you after you've just called them trifling?

my sil once told us that taking care of a 3 month old was not "that hard". And that she knew more about babies than my husband did. then we stayed with her. she hasn't opened her mouth since.


and she was right. taking care of a 3 month old was much easier than taking care of a 2 year old, in my perspective. of course, to her perspective now, it's all hard.
post #15 of 75
I actually find older parents (as in their children already are adults) to be worse than non-parents. Perhaps it's because with people who aren't parents, I can always remind myself that they don't quite get it because they don't have kids. With people who've already raised theirs, I always end up feeling sorry for their kids.
post #16 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
Other people drive 5 hours a day with a screaming child EVERY DAY? I bet they have some good quality ear plugs to be able to do that.

Yes, that stuff drives me crazy, too. My mom doesn't understand why I limit my trips to her house. And she is a parent! She just never had to travel with young kids so she doesn't "get it".
LOL amen. The worst advice I get is always from fellow parents WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER. : OP, sorry about your bro. Just remember it might come back around to him someday
post #17 of 75
I don't believe I've ever gotten parenting advice from non-parents. Or if I have, I haven't noticed My child-free younger brother watches my kids for me sometimes and never tries to give me any advice, he just tries to give my kids back as fast as he can
post #18 of 75
I get really frustrated by parenting advice from people who have never been parents.

I'm not saying that it is impossible to learn something valuable from a person who has never had direct experience with a certain situation--because sometimes an outside perspective can help you get a new take on something--but to be told how I should parent by a person who has never had the wonderful challenge of raising a child really just flies all over me in all the wrong ways.

I totally hear you.
post #19 of 75
My friend was that way when dd was born. Would say stuff like "when I have a kid I will for sure let them cry it out" and "just cause I don't have kids doesn't mean I don't know anything about being a parent" Ummmm... yes actually it does mean you know nothing.
post #20 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by mumster View Post
My friend was that way when dd was born. Would say stuff like "when I have a kid I will for sure let them cry it out" and "just cause I don't have kids doesn't mean I don't know anything about being a parent" Ummmm... yes actually it does mean you know nothing.


I have to respectfully disagree that not being a parent means you know NOTHING about parenting. I have no carried a child to term but I have been a nanny for 20 years, have a degree in ECE and extensive training, have taught parenting classes, have at various times taken custody of THREE different children of friends, am a GAL (guardian ad litem), care for at least 2 babies daily (who wear CD's in MY house). I may not have given birth (therefore not a parent) but I know a LOT more than many of the parents I know. Many of them regularly ask ME for advice. Fortunately they don't think I'm totally ignorant just because I have not given birth.
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