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Don't you just LOVE parenting advice from non-parents? - Page 3

post #41 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Calla~ View Post
I didn't mean to start a heated debate. I do think that there are folks out there that definitely know a thing or two about parenting.

My brother is farthest from that group however. I should clarify, that the trip is 2-3 hours each way, so 5-6 hours total. He also lives here, by me, it's just his wedding that's in a different state.

I just can't get his comments out of my head.

It sounds to me like he's expressing his hurt that you won't be attending an important life event for him in a way that is not as vulnerable for him. I'm sure you must be sorry to miss such a big day. Are you also not able to attend his wedding?
post #42 of 75
My brothers exgf once told me I should start pumping milk and put it in a cup so ds wouldnt be so attatched to me.

I was like... thats the point!

Thankfully she is gone and my brother totally gets the AP approach now.

I cancelled a trip to go see my sister 2.5 hours away for the same reason when he was 6 months old.

Dont feel bad for putting you child's comforts first right now.
post #43 of 75
When my dd was a toddler, bedtime was really rough for us for a while. I remember a friend saying, "Why don't you just close the door and ignore her?" (Because my dh and I would take turns going in to check on her, respond to her calls, cries, etc.) The thing is, she didn't have any children, but I've received the same advice from parents.

I think unsolicited advice is just annoying, no matter who it comes from.
post #44 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
I think unsolicited advice is just annoying, no matter who it comes from.
That. I have a lot of issues around unsolicited advice in general. I have trouble being polite when it is offered no matter who it comes from.
post #45 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
When my dd was a toddler, bedtime was really rough for us for a while. I remember a friend saying, "Why don't you just close the door and ignore her?" (Because my dh and I would take turns going in to check on her, respond to her calls, cries, etc.) The thing is, she didn't have any children, but I've received the same advice from parents.

I think unsolicited advice is just annoying, no matter who it comes from.
When my Dd was a toddler, I was explaining to a hair stylist why I wanted easy hair, had no desire to spend my free time styling my hair.

She said I should lock my dd out of the bathroom while I'm styling my hair.

When I asked if that's what she would do, she said that's what she did with her puppy.

Along those lines, I guess I could have locked my Dd in a kennel.
post #46 of 75
Quote:
before I had a baby everyone was always "wait until you have him, you wont feel that way" or "you'll see" or "when its yours its different" but I really find it to be what I expected. What did I expect? to be up all night, to not have time to myself, to have to learn to do things with one hand, to have sore cracked nipples, to have to change my clothes a hundred times a day, to be pooped on, peed on, puked on, to have to listen to him cry and cry sometimes and not be able to do anything to stop it.... and I am loving all of it.
I agree, to a point. I nannied and did daycare and child care for years before becoming a mother (we even had a functioning daycare to work in at our high school). So I'd been studying child development and caring for children from newborn to school age in a variety of settings, and found AP while I was pregnant, though I was always a responsive/gentle caregiver anyways. So I had it all planned out.

Then I had a child with special needs A part of me thought "a typical baby would have been just too easy, that's why I got this one!" I'd stayed up at night with twins, taken care of 13 children from 6 months to 2.5 with only one other person full time, nannied infants and toddlers in their home, etc. But nothing truly prepared me for parenthood. Experience helps, but it's not everything. And I don't think it's the rage that makes it different, I think it's the love. I loved those kids, don't get me wrong, but the every single minute, 24/7 unconditional love I feel for DD is what colors every aspect of the choices I make. Unfortunately, not every parent feels that way, and many, many parents give horrible advice, just as much if not more than non-parents. And worse, they're given credibility based on how many children they've raised, even if the results of their parenting have been awful! Just popping a baby out doesn't impart wisdom, and not technically being a parent doesn't preclude it.

I dont' know if I'm making sense. My parent self was up until 4 am with a coughing toddler! ugghhh
post #47 of 75
I've been taking care of other people's children my whole life.
I wanted to be a midwife from the age of seventeen, when I attended my first homebirth. I wanted five babies or more .... however, I'm infertile. We are several thousand dollars and a year into a procedure that may or may not work. I might never be a mama, but I 'parent' all the time.

This thread hurts. But I get where people are coming from.

I used to work as a child advocate at a shelter for women and their children fleeing violence and abuse. Part of my job was to give feedback when I observed certain behaviours, such as mama hitting her child, or neglecting the basics such as changing a soaking diaper, or offering food.

Often these mamas were distraught and distressed, having fled their homes in the middle of the night with only the clothes on their backs and their babies on their hips. However, certain behaviours are not okay. So it was up to me to approach them about it and offer solutions and alternatives.

It often went like this:

ME: Your LO has been crying for about half an hour now ... can I give you a hand to change her diaper or warm up a bottle?

MAMA: I don't need your help, thank you very much.

ME: I'm here to help. It's my job. And LO sounds like she needs some attention. If you can't do that right this minute, I can.

MAMA: Who the #%$@ are you to tell me how to look after my kid? Are you a mom? Do you have kids?

ME: No, I'm not a mother. I don't have any children of my own.

MAMA: Then stay the hell out of my business. You have no idea what my life is like.

ME: True. But while I might not be a parent, but I have been parented by a mom in a similar situation to you. I know things are hard right now, but certain things need to be done to lessen the impact of this experience on your baby. She needs a clean diaper and she needs to be fed. I can help you with that, or you can do it yourself.

And on and on ... my point is, we have all been parented. That counts. And so does almost three decades of taking care of children. Let's be fair.
post #48 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Calla~ View Post
I do know that my brother just wants me there. I tried to explain that I really do want to go. It's just that I can't. There's a big difference, I didn't want him to take it the wrong way.
As far as his 'parenting' advice..........if he had said, "Do you think she would like to borrow our DVD player for the car?", or would it help if someone would come with you, like blah blah?" it would be different, he was just being mean, and belittling my daughter's feeling , which was not appreciated.
Yes, my dad/sister/friend all did the same thing. Belittled ds and his feelings. I was extremely hurt/pissed and only came to the conclusion he was too immature/upset to express disappointment after a couple weeks. I'm sorry you're going through this! Good luck with it all.
post #49 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe View Post
[/B]

I have to respectfully disagree that not being a parent means you know NOTHING about parenting. I have no carried a child to term but I have been a nanny for 20 years, have a degree in ECE and extensive training, have taught parenting classes, have at various times taken custody of THREE different children of friends, am a GAL (guardian ad litem), care for at least 2 babies daily (who wear CD's in MY house). I may not have given birth (therefore not a parent) but I know a LOT more than many of the parents I know. Many of them regularly ask ME for advice. Fortunately they don't think I'm totally ignorant just because I have not given birth.
I couldn't agree with you more...

Some of us "non-parents" are more knowledgeable and experienced than those that have their own...

Sad that those that are, what they deem, "Real Parents", dismiss us in one fell swoop...some of them could learn a lot from us.
post #50 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay View Post
That's really harsh. If women are on MDC who are not yet mothers, they are likely trying to conceive and having difficulty with it. EarthmamatoBe has stated in this thread she has carried no child to term, meaning she's had miscarriages. You may not know what it's like to deal with infertility and may not realize how mean-spirited your above quote sounds.
Anyway, harsh judgments aren't too fun no matter who they come from, why pick on those whose hearts are aching to become mothers?
Thank you.
post #51 of 75
I don't think he was really give you parenting advice. To me this is one of those the-wedding-is-all-about-me thing.
post #52 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyWild View Post
When my Dd was a toddler, I was explaining to a hair stylist why I wanted easy hair, had no desire to spend my free time styling my hair.

She said I should lock my dd out of the bathroom while I'm styling my hair.

When I asked if that's what she would do, she said that's what she did with her puppy.

Along those lines, I guess I could have locked my Dd in a kennel.
post #53 of 75
Most of the REALLY bad advice I have personally gotten has been from parents. But I understand where the OP is coming from. I have a friend that seems to get all sorts of HORRIBLE ubsolicted parenting advice from people without kids that don't seem to have a CLUE about parenting.

I think the real sentiment in this thread is that it's frustrating to get advice from someone who is clueless about parenting, whether or not they have children of their own.

I will agree though, with a pp who said something to the effect of non-parents not having ever felt "the rage" or whatever (too lazy to find it and quote...)
If you have cared for children for months on end as if you were the parent I think that counts like being a parent as far as understanding what it is like.

But then there are people who say things like "I used to babysit all the time when I was a teenager so I know exactly what babies are like" that can be really judgmental and that gets on my nerves. Because there are a lot of people running around insisting they know what it is like to be a parent yet they really don't have any idea...

And there are people without children who have waited so very long to be parents that they know more than most people that I know who do have children.

Bad parenting advice seems to come from all directions, but it is most annoying when it comes from people who know NOTHING about kids/babies.


and :
to you, EarthMamaToBe
It sounds like you have been through alot and I really hope you have your child soon.



.
post #54 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post
Umm, get off your keyboard and become a parent and be humbled by it. Then frankly, I am more willing to feel compassion for your successes and your sorrows.
You know what is humbling? To take a child into your home and care for her and have her calling you Mama and your DH Da and then to have her carried crying and screaming for you out the door and placed into the arms of a man who has never even laid eyes on her or even inquired about her just because it was his sperm that made her. THAT is humbling.

(Not picking on you BTW Allison just wanted to make a point)
post #55 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubfam View Post

I think the real sentiment in this thread is that it's frustrating to get advice from someone who is clueless about parenting, whether or not they have children of their own.

Bad parenting advice seems to come from all directions, but it is most annoying when it comes from people who know NOTHING about kids/babies.


and :
to you, EarthMamaToBe
It sounds like you have been through alot and I really hope you have your child soon.



.
DING DING You get a cookie! I think you hit the nail on the head! THAT is the problem, it has nothing to do with whether someone is a parent just whether they give decent advice!

And thank you for your kind words and good vibes! 2WW right now so, keeping fingers crossed! :
post #56 of 75
You can take this further, y'know. Getting advice from a parent of a 15mo cherub on what to do with a school-aged-child's learning disability. Getting advice from a parent of 1 when the question is how to manage the needs of many. Getting advice on how to help a child get to sleep or eat that has a special needs from someone who has no relation to a special needs child (or adult for that matter).

Advice isn't gospel. It is words. Most people "give" advice with the intention of helping. Rarely is meant in a mean-spirited way. Amazingly, some people have foresight into certain issues or ideas based on their own backgrounds that can really illuminate a situation. Often they aren't supposed to be the experts. They just see something in a special way to help you learn. Should that not be the case, say "thanks" and move along.
post #57 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe View Post
DING DING You get a cookie! I think you hit the nail on the head! THAT is the problem, it has nothing to do with whether someone is a parent just whether they give decent advice!
I think it has to do more with the judgment.

When someone gives me unsolicited advice, there is an implication that *I need help* - that I am not doing something well enough.

Even when true, this can sting, especially related to certain topics I feel sensitive about.

Little comments like "step out of your comfort zone", as the OP stated, ARE a judgment. It means "You are are coddling your child, you need to stop".

A friend of mine, noticing that we were having trouble with our (then) 2 year old with something (I cannot remember what), said "oh, you should just x,y,z".

I stopped, looked at her for a long moment, and said "It really irritates me when someone assumes that I have not done research, debated different options with dh, and even already tried a few different approaches to solve this problem. It sort of implies that we are ignorant or neglectful."

She got embarrassed and apologized.
post #58 of 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by siobhang View Post
A friend of mine, noticing that we were having trouble with our (then) 2 year old with something (I cannot remember what), said "oh, you should just x,y,z".

I stopped, looked at her for a long moment, and said "It really irritates me when someone assumes that I have not done research, debated different options with dh, and even already tried a few different approaches to solve this problem. It sort of implies that we are ignorant or neglectful."

She got embarrassed and apologized.
Oh awesome. I'm so glad I am not the only one who does this.
post #59 of 75
Quote:
My friend was that way when dd was born. Would say stuff like "when I have a kid I will for sure let them cry it out" and "just cause I don't have kids doesn't mean I don't know anything about being a parent" Ummmm... yes actually it does mean you know nothing
Quote:
I have to respectfully disagree that not being a parent means you know NOTHING about parenting. I have no carried a child to term but I have been a nanny for 20 years, have a degree in ECE and extensive training, have taught parenting classes, have at various times taken custody of THREE different children of friends, am a GAL (guardian ad litem), care for at least 2 babies daily (who wear CD's in MY house). I may not have given birth (therefore not a parent) but I know a LOT more than many of the parents I know. Many of them regularly ask ME for advice. Fortunately they don't think I'm totally ignorant just because I have not given birth
You are right Earthmamatobe. My original quote was way to generalized when I said "you don't know anything (cause you're not a parent)" What drove me crazy about this friend was that SHE really didn't know anything and she insisted on undermining my parenting skills. I do feel that you're situation is different as you have cared for children as if they were your own. Most non-parents haven't and I really feel that people need to EXPERIENCE the practical side of parenting theory in order to really get it. I base this on my own experience in which, looking back, I truly knew nothing about parenting before experiencing the strong emotions that came with my first.
post #60 of 75
I totally agree! NOBODY wants advice they did not ask for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by siobhang View Post
I think it has to do more with the judgment.

When someone gives me unsolicited advice, there is an implication that *I need help* - that I am not doing something well enough.

Even when true, this can sting, especially related to certain topics I feel sensitive about.

Little comments like "step out of your comfort zone", as the OP stated, ARE a judgment. It means "You are are coddling your child, you need to stop".

A friend of mine, noticing that we were having trouble with our (then) 2 year old with something (I cannot remember what), said "oh, you should just x,y,z".

I stopped, looked at her for a long moment, and said "It really irritates me when someone assumes that I have not done research, debated different options with dh, and even already tried a few different approaches to solve this problem. It sort of implies that we are ignorant or neglectful."

She got embarrassed and apologized.
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