Dh scared or uninterested???

[Phoebe]

Does anyone else have a dh that really doesn't know squat about anything pregnancy/labor/delivery related? If so, how do you get him interested?

I asked dh last night if he isn't in the slightest bit interested in reading about what my body is doing to accomodate this child? I'm approaching my 5th month and I find it facinating!! He said he would rather not know as it would scare him and make him worry since we are homebirthing. I told him it has the opposite effect on me. The more I know, the more cautious and aware I am yes, but also I am that much more confident that my body was made to do this! But, I told him I could understand it freaking him out...that's fine. But, I told him there are some things he is going to need to know about labor and delivery, and if he is totally clueless he's going to end up hiding in the bathroom! I told him he need to read and learn about the stages of labor and what is happening...at least on a very basic level. Also, how to touch me and help me relax and avoid being frightened as that will help with the pain. He said "Well, I expect our midwife to show me all that. That's what she's there for isn't she?" Uh, sure but she is mostly there for ME...and so are YOU!!! He hasn't even met her yet! He'll come to an appointment in November. I explained that he is my birthparter and he needs to educate himself at least to some degree. Show some interest and I will be happy to tell him what I know. But this is my first child too!! All I knew 4 months ago was that yeah, I wanted this baby to come from my vagina! Ugh!

I could go on and on about needing him to practice holding me up while I squat (just so he knows), not to mention participate in deciding what kind of carseat, crib and daycare we are going to pick out. So far I have been the one to research ALL that. He hasn't opened a book or surfed the web once. Is he going to just expect me to educate him on how to take care of a child also when it gets here? He's got another thing coming.

Sorry for the vent. Just had to. He was pissed at me for being pissed at him and then he appologized and said he would try and learn stuff. I though I would dog ear special pages in books and such.

Any other suggestions...anyone else have this problem?

Amy

[Arduinna]

I was in this situation, but I didn't find it to be a problem. Some men (my dh included) are more worried the more they know, while I am not (just like you). What I learned is that in our case I'm the one actually doing it all, and that all I had to do was tell him what I want at the time I need it. In all honestly I found it much better for him to leave me alone so I could concentrate on the job at hand. I hated having him (or anyone else) there watching while I was in labor. I felt like I had people waiting on me to put on a show or something and it was distracting and made labor more painful also.

But to each their own. I just think that we each need to find what works without all the expecation that media hype about special roles for each person during labor bring.

[Phoebe]

Thanks so much for your input, Arduinna. I'm glad to hear that perspective concerning telling him what to do when you need it. I too tend to be one that doesn't like a big production and your way just might be the best way for me as well. I just hadn't thought of it. He just seems so clueless sometimes that I want him to have an idea of what to expect...not to be TOO shocked. I guess I see all these images of the man being in the water comforting the woman through her labor and all this nicey-nice stuff about your partner's support. I guess it depends on the idividual to determine how much of that is really needed.

I just don't want him to miss it because he's hiding somewhere in the basement

Thanks again,
Amy

[delicious]

We are in the same sort of situation. dh has good intentions, but birth just doesn't seem to interest him much-i know it will when we are actually THERE but for right now it's just a far off day to him.

there were a few things i felt he should read-some pages from birthing from within that i just photo copied and taped to the bathroom wall. he had nothing else to look at so he read it. he actually thanked me for putting it up and that's our new agreed upon system. something short, sweet, and to the point. (it was the section on-"what to do if your wife freaks out") since then, I've put up a few articles from the UC website which he found interesting as well.

I agree with the other poster, as well, about just letting them know what to do when you need it done. My dh can follow directions pretty well.

[LyndaB]

I'm not really sure, but I think maybe a Bradley birthing class might help him. It's supposed to be husband-coached childbirth, so I would assume that they would teach him different ways to help you during the birth and also what to expect. Your midwife might offer that kind of class or know where you can take one. Good luck!

[Axis]

I completely went through this with my dh. He seemed very un-involved and very aloof about the whole process. He never read a single thing about anything pregnancy related. He attended our midwife appointments, he never asked questions. He tolerated my mood swings and supported me in my pregnancy, yet never seemed interested in the process like I was.

I did a lot of soul searching with my last preg. and wanted an unassisted birth from the get go, yet this was too much of a reach for my dh so we compromised on a midwife. I did end up with a freebirth into my dh's loving hands in the end. He came around, just unknowingly and I knew I could trust him to step up to the calling.

I know how he thinks and he is RULED by logic. He couldn't phathom the birth that I dreamed until it manifested.

Anyhow, my point is getting lost in my experience, but maybe he will *never* be as interested or even remotely interested in the birth process and pregnancy as you are, but that doesn't mean he won't fall in love with this baby

Pregnancy is so different for every couple and individual.

[Phoebe]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, everyone. I have calmed down about the whole thing now that I realize my man isn't the only one. I should have just thought for a second about the fact that he is...a man Gotta love 'em!!

Lets all say it together...

MOOD SWINGS!!!!!



Amy

[Juliacat]

I often insert conversation snippets such as "How about if, when I'm in labor, I stand up with my arms around you and you hold me?" He seems to be more interested in my thoughts than in books or web sites.

[StarMama]

Amy are we married to the same man? :LOL

No seriously this was just how my Dh was during my pregnancy. He misunderstood what the midwives were going to be around for (ended up with a hospital birth due to pre-eclampsia, but we were planning a homebirth), thought I was over doing it with midwives AND a doula, blah blah blah. He was supportive, just how much $ it all was made him nervous.

Anyways, I never got him to read a book, or even sections of one, no matter how much I tried. I would share little snippits of things like "oh our baby is this big now, and his organs are doing this" ect, and he was only halfway interested. Sorta "that's nice honey"...

He went with me to my first prenatal and ultrasound, and that was it. I was looking at the plastic diagram of the centimeters and going 'woooh that's big', and he said "Oh 5 centimeters? Yeah that is big!" He didn't even *know* you dialated to 10!

Anyways, what worked was MAKING him go to child birth classes with me. They taught the basics, and positions of support, and such, and while he complained about going I could really see the teaching pay off during labor. If I hadn't been so hooked up to things and been able to use more of the positions they taught it would have been even better.

So perhaps drag him to a class? Maybe go to a one day intensive if he really doesn't want to go to a 6 week one?

Oh yes, my Dh is totally madly in love with ds. Beyond what I expected. The first thing he wants when he walks in the door is to hold the little guy. Tell him he loves him all the time. Kisses and snuggles with him... its too precious. So don't worry about that part

[chkpea]

Glad to hear

hi...my dh seems a bit more interested than some, but I am still looking for that "intent interest" that everyone else is talking about. But beyond that I am nervous about when the baby arrives and how my dh enjoys the tele so much and his outside activities (i.e. basketball league, etc.). So, should I be worried about that or is he naturally going to get involved with our baby?