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How much does your dh help out?

Poll Results: How much does your dh help out with house work?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 10% (55)
    He does at least 50% if not more of it.
  • 11% (59)
    Very close to half of it if not half.
  • 14% (74)
    He only does about 25%.
  • 15% (80)
    He only has 1-2 things that he does on a regular basis.
  • 12% (68)
    He occasionally does something.
  • 1% (9)
    He doesnt do anything at home & I am OK with that.
  • 3% (20)
    He doesnt do anything at home & I hate it but dont know how to change it.
  • 7% (39)
    His job is outside the home mine is to do the housework.
  • 19% (100)
    Even though he works outside the home he should do some work at home to.
  • 3% (20)
    Other
524 Total Votes  
post #1 of 128
Thread Starter 
The poll is multiple choice.

My dh does nothing to help me out at home. Rarly watching the kids so I can take a bath or make a quick run to the store. He feels that since he works 40 hours a week at a hard job when he comes home he shouldnt have to help me do the house work at all.

He says I am home all day and I should be the one that keeps the whole house clean and picked up and it is wrong of me to expect him to even take a plate in the kitchen when he is done.

When he does take it in there he puts the plate in the sink with the food on it so the drain gets clogged then gets pissed at me because of it : I should after all follow behind him and pick up the plate and scrape it in the garbage can he just walked past :

So I am going to do a poll and see how many others are in the same predicament I am in.

I wouldnt mind suggestions on how to get him to see he is being unreasonable but after 14+ yrs I am not holding my breath he will change.
post #2 of 128
Quote:
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post
My dh does nothing to help me out at home. Rarly watching the kids so I can take a bath or make a quick run to the store. He feels that since he works 40 hours a week at a hard job when he comes home he shouldnt have to help me do the house work at all.

He says I am home all day and I should be the one that keeps the whole house clean and picked up and it is wrong of me to expect him to even take a plate in the kitchen when he is done.

When he does take it in there he puts the plate in the sink with the food on it so the drain gets clogged then gets pissed at me because of it : I should after all follow behind him and pick up the plate and scrape it in the garbage can he just walked past :

So I am going to do a poll and see how many others are in the same predicament I am in.

I wouldnt mind suggestions on how to get him to see he is being unreasonable but after 14+ yrs I am not holding my breath he will change.

Okay, I disagree with this. For starters "watching the kids" so you can shower or shop is not "helping around the house" it's called PARENTING, and just because he doesn't stay at home doesn't mean he gets out of it. It should be a daily obligation.

Now, while I agree that if it's been your arrangement that you do the housework than that's fair that he expects you to do the heavy work. (Majority of laundry, mopping, bed changing etc.)

However, it doesn't sound like that's the problem. It sounds like you want him to help with cleaning up after himself, and with smaller jobs. That's just part of being a team. And this team is your family, every person old enough should be contributing. (IMO)

ETA: I do the housework, it's my job. DF "pinch hit's" as he put it (ie. If I'm having a bad week he'll help out.) so I voted other.
post #3 of 128
Thread Starter 
I want him to help me out with the every day things. Picking up at least after him self. If he cant do that then I want him to stop making me feel like $%*& for not being able to keep up. I stay in a major funk most of the time because I JUST CANT DO IT ALONE
post #4 of 128
I read your thread down in pets. I'm sorry honey.
post #5 of 128
You know, I have only been living with my husband for a year and a half now. When we started living together he would always clean the kitchen and bathroom. But he started doing less and less. Now he doesn't do anything. He won't scrape his plate either! So I don't know how that qualifies on your poll. Usually, it is fine with me. But there are some days when I wish I didn't have to spend so much time picking up after every little piece of trash he leaves lying around. I worry how Faye will act when she is old enough to notice her father's behavior. Will she think she doesn't have to clean up after herself either?
post #6 of 128
My husband is amazing. I'm sorry your husband isn't.
post #7 of 128
He does close to half, if not half the work. Just because he works for money does not mean he does not have to clean the house. Why should his work load go *down* after he had kids and mine go up? We split housework as close to equally as possible.
post #8 of 128
My husband takes out the garbage, recycling and cat litter when needed. He also does laundry (he usually starts it and puts it in the dryer and I put it up - putting his in a basket in his closet for him to hang/put away).

I sweep, mop, plan menus, cook, do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, make the bed, clean toys, clean toys and clean toys (helping the kids, they are most responsible for the toys). I also homeschool.

Sometimes I feel resentful but I also know that I am a lot more anal about things than he. I have little compartments in our bathroom drawer for our medicine, our contact cases, etc. and he will just put the things back in the drawer instead of into their correct compartments. That bugs the hell out of me. But I also know that it is my "thing" and not his so I bite my tongue.

I need to get better about just telling him "Honey, please make the kids a sandwich for lunch while I wash up these dishes". He just is not going to see what needs to be done and do it on his own. But he will usually do what I ask of him (even if he does give a big sigh first).
post #9 of 128
You situation sounds really unfair. Your H sounds like he has really unreasonable expectations of you and some really sexist ideas. And why does he think he has a right to such a huge sense of entitlement? As if the June Cleaver phenomenon was fair to anyone!

I had to vote "Other" because my DP is female, and she shares the domestic responsibilities with me with her doing about 40% and me doing 60%. We're both a bit sloppy, and neither of us cares very much.

My advice would be to NOT clean up after him. If he throws a tantrum because he clogged the drain with his own laziness, then let him enjoy his tantrum while you take the kids on a nice walk. Just simply refuse to obey his unreasonable expectations. Tell him you simply will notclean up after him anymore. He can't make you.
post #10 of 128
DH does stuff when he thinks about it or when I comment about it.. If he sees me cleaning something he will pitch in as long as he doesn't get distracted. He rarely watches DD, only if its something for church or I complain about it until he does. Its why I dropped out of college, I can't take care of a house, a baby and what I do in church along with college classes.. Ive been gone for two months (Im back in the states visiting my inlaws) and he got a slap in the face about how much taking care of the house involves. Im hoping he does more when I get home. I honestly don't think he does it deliberately, I think with him its more he doesn't think about it unless someone brings it up to his attention.
post #11 of 128
Thread Starter 
Dh and me both were raised in families were the mother does all the house work while fathers only responsability was to bring in money. Before kids it wasnt that bad because the house work was just me and him now that there are 2 kids involved I am over whelmed and I am the only one doing any cleaning. I do have dd picking up her toys and ds is doing some as well but that is just a drop in the bucket really.

Dh will lay on the couch and watch me clean but has no desire to get up and help. Even if I ask or in the past crying he will just lay there and ignore me.
post #12 of 128
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
My husband is amazing. I'm sorry your husband isn't.
Mine is too. I always hate when I hear others dont have such a great man like I do. He says when he is cleaning the bathroom its a turn on to me. But we also like said, pitch hit sometimes- if I am having a hard time, he jumps in. If he is, I do. Its called team work, parenting, marriage, what ever you want to call it.
post #13 of 128
I voted that DH does at least 50% of the housework. We have always been like this. Although, sometimes I have to ask him to do certain things.

I'm sorry your DH isn't helping out more. You shouldn't have to work an 80 hour work week.

Hugs mama, other then the fact that he is not doing his share, it sounds like he is not thinking of how you feel.
post #14 of 128
DH does about 25% overall.

I think it is OK, as when he is home he does about 1/2.

Until about a year ago, DH did about maybe 10%. I screamed and nagged for years. In fact, we almost seperated over it (I am not joking).

What helped?

I got tired of yelling and being miserable - I lowerred my expectation and started doing it all. I changed from caring if he helped to not exspecting it - and not caring. I think I became kind of numb about the whole thing.

Shortly thereafter I got a part time job.

I think DH put the dots together (and goodness knows I helped him understand)...I could organise the kids on my own, I could do the housework on my own, and now...I could make money on my own. I did not need him. So if he wanted to stay, he needed to pony up and be more of a partner.

While it was hard - stopping nagging really helped. It was hard because it was so unfair - yk? If he just did the #$%^ work, I would not need to nag. Yet, despite my feelings of nagging justification, nagging was not working. When I stopped he started to do more work on his own accord.

I am still a touch bitter about those years, and angry that I had to be the one who instigated all the changes to move us in a forward direction - but overall I am happy we are in a more positive place.

Good luck and big hugs!
post #15 of 128
Thread Starter 
I stopped asking dh to do things years ago, other than the occasional blow up when I cant take it any more. I know it dosnt do any good so I try to keep my mouth shut.

I try to keep up I really do but I get frustrated and let things go longer than I should really. But when you work you @ss off and then see it messed up within minutes it does a number on you.
post #16 of 128
i voted that DH does about 25% because i have to ask him to do it. he does work 40+ weeks and is tired when he comes home so i just do all i can. with the fibro i have to know my limits but with the ocd i get mad at people not doing it "right". so when i need help ill say "will you please bathe/tuck in the kids/make dinner/mop the floor/etc" and he will do it. sometimes he will say "can you? my feet/back/finger(which he cut open being a carpenter)etc hurts."
i would never put up with someone not picking up after themselves. they need to pick up their own clothes and scrape their own plate. i am not a maid. i am a human being. i am an individual. i am not his mother. i am his kids mother. once my kids turn 4 they are expected to learn how to pick up after themselves too, as much they can. i help them if they need it. they scrape their plates in the garbage and then climb the stepstool and rinse it off then stack it next to the sink.
i am so sorry your man is like that
post #17 of 128
I voted 25%, since he is here much less than I am. Although we're 50/50 when dh is home. He does the dinner dishes almost every night and takes the trash out usually, and takes care of the kids just as much as I do (when he's home).
post #18 of 128
He doesn't "help out", he contributes to the household he lives in and the family he helped create. However, he does probably 25% since I'm at home way more often than he is, and the kids and I are here to do most of it.
post #19 of 128
My husband washes dishes and clothes (He will fold towels and his clothes sometimes) and takes the trash out (which I REFUSE to do). He also cuts the grass. If I ask him to do something else he will do it though. I don't care how far I let the bathroom go he will not clean it unless I ask. I have tested this theory lol. I am pretty messy though and don't expect a lot.
post #20 of 128
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
My husband is amazing. I'm sorry your husband isn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post
Mine is too. I always hate when I hear others dont have such a great man like I do. He says when he is cleaning the bathroom its a turn on to me. But we also like said, pitch hit sometimes- if I am having a hard time, he jumps in. If he is, I do. Its called team work, parenting, marriage, what ever you want to call it.
:

I have zero business complaining about my husband. I seriously can't even think of how many meals I have NOT had to cook in the last 6 months. He also gets up with the kids so I can get more sleep (because 1) I get up with them at night and 2) I honest-to-God just need more sleep than him and I don't abuse the privelege).


Quote:
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post
Dh and me both were raised in families were the mother does all the house work while fathers only responsability was to bring in money. Before kids it wasnt that bad because the house work was just me and him now that there are 2 kids involved I am over whelmed and I am the only one doing any cleaning.
My husband was raised in the same kind of family. So much so that my ILs have NO IDEA how much he does in our house. Granted, I'm home and I DO try to do as much as I can because I feel like he should catch a break--but I feel that way because I see how much of a break I'm catching, too... kwim? I DO feel like he has his day job and so do I--and mine includes some level of keeping the house. But if I don't get to it, he does.

He wasn't always this understanding. I'm not exactly sure how we managed to get here. I think at some point I just went on living my life like he didn't exist. It wasn't pretty, but I wasn't leaving him and wishing he cared wasn't working. So I lived like he wasn't there. I had to clean up his stuff, but I would buy my OWN damn tools and stuff and LOCK them (he chronically misplaced stuff or ruined it--and didn't care what I thought because he made the money). When he had a complaint, I would tell him that he could write it down and I'd try to get to it. I wasn't defiant. I was just... what's that word? I didn't care about him and it was clear. I cared about the child and the house and he was just riding those coat-tails. Needless to say, he didn't get much, either.

I think it was when I stopped aching for his help and involvement and went on with my life like I didn't need him that he changed his tune. It took about a year of that, but it changed. And in the meantime, I was okay because I had given up on him ever coming around... kwim? No more tears. I realized that people only complain when they want someone to change it. I stopped wanting him to change it. I wanted him to WANT to be a different kind of person for me. I wanted him to care more about all this stuff. But I couldn't make him feel that way. So I could leave, or I could deal. I chose to stay and deal. That meant to accept him as is and make my way around it best I could.

Part of me wonders if he felt important because he had that kind of power over me.
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