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How much does your dh help out? - Page 2

Poll Results: How much does your dh help out with house work?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 10% (55)
    He does at least 50% if not more of it.
  • 11% (59)
    Very close to half of it if not half.
  • 14% (74)
    He only does about 25%.
  • 15% (80)
    He only has 1-2 things that he does on a regular basis.
  • 12% (68)
    He occasionally does something.
  • 1% (9)
    He doesnt do anything at home & I am OK with that.
  • 3% (20)
    He doesnt do anything at home & I hate it but dont know how to change it.
  • 7% (39)
    His job is outside the home mine is to do the housework.
  • 19% (100)
    Even though he works outside the home he should do some work at home to.
  • 3% (20)
524 Total Votes  
post #21 of 128
What if you make a big deal(ego-stroking) any time he does anything? Thank him and so on. And ask one thing and only one thing. Like as soon as he gets up from the table, "Here, would you take this to the sink?" Not even worry about getting to rinse it off.

It's hard! I'm sorry.
post #22 of 128
i voted at least 50%...i definitely married up!
actually, earlier in our relationship, pre-kid, i was the slacker. basically, i was just used to being taken care of and was not required to do a lot around the house as a child/teenager. i really had to grow up. unfortunately, it took having a child (after 6 years of marriage) who was 100% dependent upon me to finally kick my ass into realizing how selfish i had been to my wonderfully hardworking, responsible, and self-less dh...

as a man, your dh is obviously approaching things differently. he also has historical gender roles on his side, unfortunately. i wish i had anything to offer in the way of advice. all i can think of is---and definitely not to excuse his behavior at all--- but is it possible he doesn't feel appreciated for bearing the financial burden? i know this can really stress men out. also, are there traditional things that he takes care of that you can take care of? an example--dh always takes care of car stuff--oil changes, scheduled maintenance, etc. when i remember to do it, he is so appreciative, especially when he's particularly busy/stressed at work. maybe by setting an example for your dh that you're willing to help him out, he will realize he can help you out, too...just some thoughts, for whatever they're worth.

i truly hope he does get it...and things get better for your family.
hugs and good luck.
post #23 of 128
My DH does basically everything. He's awesome
post #24 of 128
When I was married or partnered, I was either pg, the mom to an infant, or the mom to 2+ kids. DP (both DH1 and DP2, in my life at different times) shared equally w/ housework and childcare during the time he was at home. I did more total housework because I was home more- though some things were difficult to accomplish because I had the kid(s) to care for- dishes often piled up all day to be washed in the evenings, for example.

Now I'm no longer partnered but my ex visits about once a week- and he often helps w/ dishwashing, taking out trash, etc, while he's here.
post #25 of 128
Sighing about doing something for the children or the wife? Not doing anything except the 40 hr workweek? Not parenting their own children? And what is this about stroking their ego for bringing home a paycheck? What about the husband stroking the ego of his wife who is doing really hard work caring for the house and kids?

Why not mutual appreciation? Why do some men seem to think that they don't owe their wives any consideration whatsoever? Would they treat a friend like that? I bet not. A co-worker? Nope. Their mother? I definitely bet not. If a man cannot treat their spouse as good or better than their mother, then shame on him. A wife is supposed to be cherished and loved above all others.

I mean, this is 2008. Time to grow up, stop acting like turds and do your share. The children didn't get there by osmosis. Women are not servants. Women are not "below" men when they don't bring home a paycheck. We are supposed to be partners.

The part about how some guys don't even scrape their own plate and who don't pick up after themselves is really disturbing. That is so demeaning to be expected to wait on someone hand and foot, because you don't bring home a paycheck. I know one thing; if my husband acted like that, I would not be attracted to him in any way, shape or form.
post #26 of 128
I'm on strike at this point. The dishes have piled up for so many days I've lost count, laundry is stopped dead, haven't cooked in over a week and am just biding my time until he breaks. All I do is make the bed because otherwise the bedding gets snarled up at night and ruins our sleep.

I refuse to get angry, I refuse to nag, and I refuse to maintain the sole burden of doing housework. We've had nice, civil conversations about how impossible it is for me to get housework done in the face of a cute, but high demand lap baby. He says how proud he is of my mothering our baby and how he does not expect me to have to do everything. Of course, that means he's willing to live in squalor rather than pitch in.

I might also add that I'm picking up occasional feelance work to help with finances, and have been getting little/no support in carving out the time to be able to do that. I end up starting work after the baby goes to sleep and stopping only to feed her. I've stayed up till 3 and 4 in the morning. If I try to go to a cafe to write, he calls in two hours asking me when I'm coming home, can I pick up dinner, etc...

I've upped the ante by delaying certain "favors" for after the house gets cleaned.

So far I've taken a light hearted approach, but it's making me crazy.
That and the fact he spent both weekend days out playing with friends made me dig in even more solidly.

I could go back to work and make as much as he does, but we both want our baby to be raised by family, not strangers. What he doesn't understand is that we have a partnership and both of us must sacrifice a bit for the good of the whole.

If anyone has any magic formula for getting active participation from a husband who doesn't care to help, then I'd love to hear it!
post #27 of 128
I used to do way more around the house but when i got pregnant with twins I just stopped! the dishes would pile high for a week but in the end he would buckle down and do them. this started our current arrangement. He doesnt do little daily tasks but he does the big huge "we have no sliverwear and underwear" tasks and this usually happens on the weekend. If there are just a few dishes in the sink he wont touch it. I keep trying to tell him if he would just help out a little daily he wouldnt have to do a weeks worth and nasty dishes. I just can't keep up, with 4 kiddos we can go through all the bowls and plates in two days!

If i were you i would boycott until he is willing to help out a little more. but that could backfire and you would be way behind?? i dont know. but if you are letting him be this way i would say stop being a doormat. if however its something you have tried hard to change and he is just not willing then i guess its something you will have to workout internally? we are all delt different hands in life and its up to us how we deal with it. i have a friend who does everything and gladly goes about doing it all. she knew what her husband was like before she married him and accepted it.
post #28 of 128
DH does a lot. I've got it good and I know it. He cleans the bathroom every weekend. And he LIKES to vacuum!!!
post #29 of 128
When my DH is home (he works ridiculously long hours), he does about half of whatever housework/parenting remains to be done that day...more on the parenting end, but, I agree with that because he doesn't see DD all day, and sometimes doesn't get home until she's asleep.

This weekend, especially Saturday, I was lying-on-the-couch-all-day sick, and he took care of everything without me even asking, as soon as he got home from work.

I put "at least half" because, although I do more overall, he does at least half when he is not at work.
post #30 of 128
When he's home (he's in the military, so is gone for several months at a time a couple times a year) we split everything up. For us, it's a home to both of us and we're both responsible for the maintenance and upkeep. There are some things that he does more of (like dishes) and that I do more of (like laundry), but that was something we mutually agreed on at the beginning of our marriage.

If one of us is sick or something, then the other obviously picks up more of the load but it goes both ways.
post #31 of 128
When dh is home we are a team, we BOTH take care of the kids, chores, etc. I try to get as much done as I can during the day and usually try to tidy up before he gets home b/c it makes him happy. B/C he's good to me, I'm good to him, we are always trying to do little things around the house to please each other.
post #32 of 128
Oh, Lord. Is that IF I ask him multiple times or point out that something needs to be done? Then he can be ok.

Or is that question pertaining to if I say nothing, and don't give him a reminder or direction? Because then it would be not very much, and certainly not enough.

He does do a lot, but I have to remind him, ask him, direct him, prompt him. Overall, I'd say it's half and half. But I have to ask first.

I hate to "nag" (his word, not mine) but most of the time he just seems a little clueless, which I think sometimes he does out of convenience. :
post #33 of 128
Mine doesn't work inside or outside of the house.
post #34 of 128
I got pretty lucky. My guy works really hard out of the home but does everything he can for us at home too. He rarely rests.
post #35 of 128
mini rant: my dh works super hard at his job, and is often tired from that, but on the same token, i work just as hard 24hrs a day and would really really appreciate him taking out the garbage without my asking 394958 times, or waiting until there's 6 bags of it sitting there. also, the bathroom. i don't remember the last time he did the bathroom cleanings. also, i feel like my head will explode when i have to bend over and pick his clothing/magazine/book/food droppings off the floor.
he has Crap On The Floor Selective Blindness.
when i don't feel like killing him, i love him so much. he is a great friend, a fantastic lover, and he's a wonderful father. and he makes me laugh so hard i pee my pants (which i always end up having to wash...)
post #36 of 128
I am at SAHM for another month. My ds is 10 months and my dh only started helping out this week. I have been talking to him about needing help for 10 months now, but he was always saying that his mom or my mom should help, not him. Well he had this week off and I think he realized that I can't possibly do everything around the house and watch a busy busy crawler. He actually took it upon himself to do laundry and help cook dinner and do dishes. I didn't even have to ask. I was pleasantly surprised. I think when it came down to either not getting to spend time with me, cause I'll be busy doing it after ds goes to bed, or doing it himself, he chose the latter. I started talking to him about what is going to happen when I go back to work at the end of June, and he says he knows he will have to help out more. I'm not sure he realizes just how busy it will be. It was a great week. I felt like I actually had a bit of a vacation too, cause I actually got to sit down after baby went to bed. I am hoping that dh realized this week that if he helps, I'm in a better mood, have more energy and our alone time is a lot more fun.
post #37 of 128
I voted that he does about 25% of housework.

The house and children are ours, and we share equal responsibility for them. I do more of the housework and childcare because I'm home more than DH is. When we're both home, we are equally responsible for what is happening at home.
post #38 of 128
My dh doesn't do house work or the nitty gritty parts of child care (baths, dressing, etc). Mainly because he's simply not here much of the time. However, since he is building a business that our children can work with him as they get older, and so that he can be working from home, I am not complaining.

He does the lawn/garden stuff and home maintenance. And when I'm pregnant, he takes on the dishes.
post #39 of 128
My husband will help out whenever I ask him to.. but I don't ask him very often. he does do all of the heavier work though, like moving things or repairs or anything like that. he helps with the baby a lot, although I wouldnt really call that helping because he is being a dad.
post #40 of 128
Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
My DH does basically everything. He's awesome
Mine's wonderful too. We are equal partners in marriage, in parenting and in homekeeping. I don't have to ask - we each do things as they need doing.
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