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How much does your dh help out? - Page 3

Poll Results: How much does your dh help out with house work?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 10% (55)
    He does at least 50% if not more of it.
  • 11% (59)
    Very close to half of it if not half.
  • 14% (74)
    He only does about 25%.
  • 15% (80)
    He only has 1-2 things that he does on a regular basis.
  • 12% (68)
    He occasionally does something.
  • 1% (9)
    He doesnt do anything at home & I am OK with that.
  • 3% (20)
    He doesnt do anything at home & I hate it but dont know how to change it.
  • 7% (39)
    His job is outside the home mine is to do the housework.
  • 19% (100)
    Even though he works outside the home he should do some work at home to.
  • 3% (20)
524 Total Votes  
post #41 of 128
My husband's job requires him to work crazy hours and he simply isn't able to do very much. That's one of the reasons I stay at home - I'd have to do almost everything even if I had a job because he isn't here to do anything, so I'd end up having like two jobs. Anyway, I'm OK with it. With his old job, he did quite a bit more because he got off work at a reasonable time. His new job pays a lot more but I do wish he were home more often.
post #42 of 128
Wow. I really feel for you in your situation. It sounds like your dh has no respect or appreciation for your daily tasks and how much is required from/of you.

My dh was raised by a mom who stayed at home, and did everything for him. I was raised by a single mom who worked two jobs, and did everything for me...So, it was a big adjustment -- we both wanted to be taken care of ! but, eventually we hit a groove.

We figured out what each of us would do -- ie what we didn't mind doing -- I enjoy cooking, dh does not. So, I do the cooking, by that right that means dh cleans up after dinner.

I'll say to him: OK, do you want to do the dishes or ds's bath? At first he'd say neither, and I'd tell him that both need to be done so he needed to pick one...KWIM?

Also, I don't know what age your dc are, or if you're bfing, but if you could leave them for a few days with dh, it might give him a different appreciation for the work that is involved in parenting and running a home...

I did this when ds was 6months and dh called me the first night and said "I had NO idea how much work it is to get him to sleep...wow!"

I don't know what else to tell you, 14 years is a long time to create a routine that you want to change with an unwilling partner.

I really hope things work out for you and you're able to get past this!
post #43 of 128
My DH has his 'chores' that I request he do...and he does them about 50% of the time, the other 50% I have to do them or they don't get done. His chores are taking out the trash, emptying all the trash cans in the house (right now the bathroom and laundry room cans are full, he hasn't emptied them yet).

Keeping up on the cars (right now I've had a tail light out for like 4 months and my right front turn singnal has been out for over a week, he hasn't changed them yet) including cleaning the inside and outside.

And picking up after himself.

The later rarely happens. Like last night I spent 15 minutes picking up his dirty clothes, his dishes from around the house, his pop cans, his shoes, his slippers and 2 dirty diapers that he left around the house after changing Aldria's diaper.

So I voted he has 1 or 2 things he does and he occasionally does something. He has a few chores, getting them done is another matter completely. And I expect him to help out at least a little bit. I understand that as a SAHM the vast majority of the housework and childcare (when he's not home) is my responsiblity. The kids are 50-50 when he's home. The housework is probably 90-10 and thats fine with me.
post #44 of 128
Dh works long hours, so I do most of the housework. Ds is in half day kindergarten, so I have 3 solid hours a day to take care of things. I have no problem keepig up with things I like to leave our evenings and weekends pretty free to do fun family things.

That being said everyone helps clean up after dinner in the evening. If Dh isn't home for dinner he cleans up all of his dinner things when he is done. He also cleans up after himself in general. He is also in charge of the lawn and caring for the cars. In the summer he grills dinner most weekends. If I need help with something or want him to do something I need to tell him. I think he just doesn't notice a lot. The house would have to be in shambles before he would notice and say something.

When ds was a baby he did pitch in with the housework a lot more.
post #45 of 128
Mine does bathtime, plays with the kids when he's home, and takes out the trash once a week.
The rest takes arm-twisting and constant reminders, but he will do stuff if led by the hand .

Your husband needs to grow up...out of the 19th century! He sounds very rude and disrespectful to you.
post #46 of 128
Dh does around 50% of the housework, which I feel is fair.
post #47 of 128
More detail- dh does the bathroom, I do all the laundry. We take turns doing dishes, but I cook almost all of the meals (I like to cook, so no biggie). We're pretty equal on yardwork. I sweep and mop the kitchen and he vacuums the rest of the house probably half the time. So probably I technically do more around the house, but since he works 45+ hours, (3rd shift 6 days a week) it feels "even" to me. He pretty much does anything else I ask him to, except mopping, becasue he really hates it. Which is fine, i hate cleaning the bathroom and he does that!
post #48 of 128
The "ONLY" 25% bit made me laugh. IMO, 25% is quite a bit. My DH works 40 hours a week (4 days, 10 hours - police officer) and I stay at home. Of course, both of our children are in full-time school, so I have absolutely no problem doing the bulk of the work since he's the reason I am able to stay home alone for 9 solid hours every day.

He does everything outside - keeps our veggie garden and strawberry plants and blueberry bushes growing; mows the lawns; tends to the ponds, bird feeders, etc.

Takes care of the dog - feeding, watering, bathing, combing, pooper-scoopering.

Takes care of the cars - oil changes, break pads (the 'easy stuff'), takes them in for maintenance.

Plus, he does all of the clean-up after dinner (dishes, wiping counters, cleaning floors), does some laundry, deals with all of the trash, recycling, yard waste.

He also does all BBQing (Yea for summeritme!)

All-in-all, I'd say he does a lot more than most...
post #49 of 128
Thread Starter 
Here is a list of what dh does. I know I said he does nothing in my OP but that isnt exactly true but compaired to what I do daily it sure seems that way.

He takes the trash down once a week to be picked up (he only started doing that after my dad started paying for trash pickup and if dh dosnt he would have to answer to him)

He washes his own clothing (I used to do it then I said screw it and stopped so he has to or he cant work)

He watches the kids on avg. 5 times out of 7 days for me to take a 1-2 hour bath (2 nights a week on avg. I dont even get a bath. A week or longer would go by when the kids were younger than a year because he "couldnt do anything with them" : )

If I dont do dishes he will wash the 1-2 dishes he needs to eat with and : the whole time.

He actually did clean the toilet a few weeks back because he needed to replace the seat that had broken. (first time in our 14 yrs of marriage he has ever done that)

He will on occasion bring me a snack while I take my bath.

He does the grocery shoping once a week (because he dosnt trust me to not spend to much)

He does have a hard job that is ruff on him physically and he works at least 40 hours a week. I am not asking him to do even half I just want him to do the little things that would make it easier on me. ie keeping his shoes out of the middle of the floor, put his clothes in a pile in the bathroom when he changes, take his dishes to the kitchen and scrape them off before putting them in the sink. I really dont think that is to much to ask but maybe it is. I should be thankful he works and brings home the $ so that I can SAH
post #50 of 128
I voted "occasionally does something" but in all fairness he probably does a bit more than that indicates. Left to his own devices he would do almost 0 but he doesn't get that opportunity all the time.

After a couple years of feeling like "I'm a mother not a maid." I got over myself and figured that being a sahm was my job and housework was part of that job. That being said, I'm still not the maid, the kids come first and sometimes I get absolutely squat done around the house. But I am at peace with the fact that during the workweek I am in primary responsibility for the state of the house. I might occasionally ask him to throw in a load of laundry or help pick up the living room before bedtime, but thats about it.

Thats housework, parenting is a whole different story. I have become much better about saying things like "I need to clean up the kitchen, keep the boys out from under my feet.". I fully expect him to help with bedtime, change diapers and generally help keep them from major bodily harm. I don't wait for him to volunteer anymore or even really ask him a lot of the time. I let him know what has to be done and we figure out who is going to do what.

Oh, I am also much pushier about asking him for help with house stuff on the weekends. We both do our parts during the week, we should both get a shot at relaxing a little on the weekend. I still do a lot more than he does but most of that is just habit and my caring more than him.
post #51 of 128
I voted other because most of the time I do the bulk of "household" chores because he keeps a crazy schedule with all of his rehearsals/performances/football coaching/church music director job/etc but if I need help he'll do it. I never have to ask him to "watch" the kids. He parents 50/50 with me.
post #52 of 128
My DH is better at bigger things (loading/unloading the dishwasher) than the little things (putting clothes in the laundry basket).

We have a standing arrangement that I load the DW and he unloads it. There have been times when I let the dishes pile up because he wasn't emptying the DW. Now that our lives are even more hectic (3rd kid + he has a more stressful yet better paying job), we aren't quite so strict about that arrangement. It just needs to be done.

My "solution" has been to hire an independant housecleaner. She comes once every 2 weeks on Friday morning and does all the major stuff (vacuums and dusts, bathrooms, wipes down booster seats, cleans kitchen, changes all the bed sheets). After she leaves, we do laudry ALL weekend, so that by Monday we are caught up or close.

DH is very committed to cloth diapering because of the money aspect, so he knows that he MUST help with laundry or I'll just keep the kids in disposables. At one point I was trying to cloth diaper both kids fulltime, but I simply could not keep up with the laundry, so I stopped using cloth for nearly a week just so I could catch up! He hates that . . .

But to the OP:
I suggest MARRIAGE COUNSELING (it has done us a world of good), and a housekeeper -- even just once a month can help so much! If DH doesn't like the expense of a housekeeper, then he MUST do more! Otherwise, you have to have paid help!
post #53 of 128

DH needs a meadal

DH does ALL the grocery shopping/errands and ALL the cooking on top of working 60 hours per week, poor guy. I'm a FTM with a 9 week old and probably need to give shopping & cooking a try again soon! If I can get my hands free I often cook lunch. Perhaps if I master baby wearing soon I can get back to it.

tried to edit sp error in title but it won't let me. typing with one hand leaves much room for error!
post #54 of 128
my dh is a great guy. really. i remind myself of this every time i pick his nasty gross socks off the living room floor and pick up soda cans, etc that he leaves all over!

technically, he has 3 jobs that are specifically his. emptying the catbox, taking out the trash, and washing the dishes. i do pretty much all the rest of it. laundry, cooking, taking to kids to dr's and therapy, general clean up. every once in awhile he'll get a wild hair and start cleaning the living room or the kitchen. seriously. he'll move all the furniture, sweep, vacuum, match up stray dvd's to their boxes... i just kick back and pick up my feet when he brings the vacuum by! but mostly, it's me.

he does take care of the kids tho, i definitely give him credit for that. he changes diapers, gets kids to the bus in the morning, that kind of thing he'll make dinner if i just can't find the energy to do it (hey, it may be peanut butter sandwiches, but at least it's food!)

he also deals with car stuff, like changing the brakes and the oil, but he'll put it off until the situation gets desperate.

eta: he does go shopping sometimes, but he has a tendency to buy a lot of junk food, so we try to do that together, or else i just do it. i refuse to live on twinkies!
post #55 of 128
So what is with these men that think they don't have to contribute to their homes? I'm as guilty as the next SAHM as I don't hold my husband accountable for helping much at all but I really want to break this habit before my son becomes old enough to see what's up. I want him to be the helpful partner.

I have a couple friends whose husbands cook and clean and I'm so envious!

Finding my voice and using it is the next new skill that I'll be tackling.
post #56 of 128
Originally Posted by nhplantlady View Post
So what is with these men that think they don't have to contribute to their homes? I'm as guilty as the next SAHM as I don't hold my husband accountable for helping much at all but I really want to break this habit before my son becomes old enough to see what's up. I want him to be the helpful partner.
ita. my 12 yr old has learned how to do laundry, dishes, vaccumming, feeding the animals etc. next i am going to teach DSD who is 5 how to fold her own laundry and put it away.
You know my DH's mom taught him how to do all this stuff as a child and now he thinks that it's my job because i stay at home. so i told him i feel it is my job to do what i can while taking care of the kids. making me feel like it is my job because you say so instead of because i say so is not cool. he helps more now. plus i told his mom in front of him that i didn't think he knew how to clean house because he never does. she smacked him in the back of the head right there. probably shouldn't have told her huh?
post #57 of 128
Hmm... how much does dh do around the house? He occasionally picks up the living room (once a week, sometimes twice). If the garbage is filled to overflowing, he might change it, but he's more likely to say "the garbage needs to be changed." He changes ds2 sometimes (1 or 2x's/day). He'll bath ds2 maybe once a week. He'll clean the gutters twice a year. So not really much imo.

ETA: He does take me to do groceries whenever I need to, primarily because I don't (can't) drive.
post #58 of 128
I thought in terms of the month or year, in those terms he does about half.

Picks up after himself daily, if not 100% every single day. There are days where he'll do everything (and to be honest his *everything* is not the same as mine, but still worth mention and better then most), parents, cooks, runs errands and recently began volunteering for the heavier chores that I normally do (by joy and default--hanging clothes, the floors, the household organization, the lawns, , the painting and projects) he's a close second.

When he's the SAHP (in a handful of years this will be so--love my kids but loathe and fear teenagers) I'm sure it's flip since I'll be working 40+ then.

Time does matter, who's there more does matter but more then that who CARES matters. he doesnt care if the wood floors reflect like mirrors and I doubt he ever will. He can't figure out couch covers and to him any flat surface is a good 'nuff place for anything at all. BUT I will never care if the lines in the lawn are straight, the books on the shelves are alphabetized or the DVDs are in the proper (or any) cases. I don't want to be hassled about stuff I don't and never will care about (like the DVD's) and the last thing I can presume is to tell him how to do what I want done. Lists are rude. If I was handed a list of chores (even if I was gone earning a living for 60 hrs a week I'd shove it up his nose and DO LESS just because.) My husband never complains. I suppose if he was one of those who expected dinner on time things would be different.

I wish everyone would use their turn signal too, but I'm not going to chase them down and make them just because *I* care.

we've been married 12yrs, together for 14 and I'm 31 with 5 kids. He's 34 and getting' better all the time.
post #59 of 128
What got me about the OP is that the husband isn't doing much parenting either (or at least it sounds that way). When my dh is home, he does a lot with the kids. He gets them breakfast in the morning, often makes lunch on the weekends, does the bedtime routine, changes half the diapers, goes on walks with us, goes with me to take the kids out places, reads to them... the list goes on.

Around the house he takes out the trash, mows the grass, whacks the weeds, does a load of dishes about every 2-3 days, does a couple loads of laundry a week (doesn't put it away though), cleans the bathroom and cleans like a madman when we have company coming.
post #60 of 128
Heather, I can so relate! I recently realized that I need to live life like he's not going to help. I could relate to the tool thing. He treats his stuff so differently than how I was raised to treat tools etc. I should get my own and take care of them the way I want to. Thank you.

We are in the process of finishing our house (built it ourselves) but now that the kids are here he has to work to pay bills so I guess I'll have to figure out how to build shelves in the pantry and tile the bathroom floors. ENough for now.
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