Originally Posted by zeldamomma
I appreciate your sharing that. I'm going through a stressful time, and feeling the need to set some boundaries about how people (including my kids) treat me. Not that anyone is intentionally mistreating me, more that I have some needs I have to stop ignoring. My hope is that if I'm a little more assertive about some core stuff that's important to me (ie not being yelled at by my 7 year old on a regular basis, being able to keep an area of the house in a state that allows me to be comfortable, and few other things) I'll be able to be a little more creative and patient about the other stuff.
And what I keep hearing, from long-time non-punitive parents like LillianJ, Dar, and SagMom, is that it's not about letting people disregard our boundaries and treat us disrespectfully, and it's not about ignoring our own needs, either.
|I have trouble with these conversations sometimes because I tend to hear judgment in what I think is actually intended as advice.
Yes, I know when I hear someone say, "My kids always treat me respectfully, because I treat them respectfully" -- it can feel like a slap in the face if I've just had a child screaming at me for misunderstanding her request and slicing her apple when she wanted it whole (just a hypothetical example
... and of course the logical solution is to just give her another apple and eat that one myself -- but what if it's the last apple, and I'm without transportation or any money right then?)
But I realize that these moms are not just saying their kids came into the world automatically understanding how to respect their boundaries: As Lillian puts it, she treated her son with respect and expected
the same from him.
From what I've read, I do think Lillian's son may be more on the mellow side (can't say for sure as I don't know him). I don't think Lillian's saying that those of us with more intense children, who may need more help in being able to respect others' boundaries, are necessarily failing if we still have times of getting screamed at, etcetera. But I realize how it feels when we're in the thick of it, and we're hearing about how respectful other people's kids are.
|Coming up with a creative solution when I'm stressed out, and three kids are all talking/whining at me at once is hard for me -- it's not that I think it's a bad idea exactly, just that it's sometimes more than I can manage. I like to think that when my kids are older and more motivated/able to participate in brainstorming it will get easier.
Yes, I know it gets easier! Brainstorming is way easier now with my 8yo, than it was when she was younger. And I'm seeing lots of progress with my 3yo, too. Also, I think there's a big difference between your situation of having 3 children under 8, and mine of having 2 children 8 and under. But just think -- in a couple years' time, that'll be more people to brainstorm with.