DC's first weekend at dad's house

[SabraMamma]

The kids spent their first weekend at their dad's new house. I dropped them off Friday evening. My 4-year old did not want to say goodbye to me, told me we were glued together, and really didn't want to let go. But I kept the goodbye short, handing him over to his dad, and drove away. I could hear him screaming as I drove down the driveway, but what good would a prolonged goodbye do? And I knew he would be fine 2 minutes later. The kids had a fun weekend, and I did too (went to a concert Sat. night and spent the rest of the weekend packing to move in just a few days). I was supposed to get them Sunday morning for their last day of religious school followed by a community wide carnival but they didn't want to go and stbx decided that they didn't need to go. I was very annoyed about him thinking it was okay to miss the last day of school, but what could I do. He brought them back last night and stayed close to 30 minutes saying goodbye. I am still living in the house that is "ours" and I did not feel comfortable kicking him out, but I was so ready for him to just leave. The reality of the divorce hit the kids as they were transitioning back to me from him and they were sad and he just kept saying goodbye, getting ready to go, I would try to get them involved in something, then he would want to know about that new something, and then back to goodbye all over again. Then my DD (almost 8) tells me last night that she is allowed to jump from the top of the steps to the bottom (a full half flight of steps, and i don't think this is safe- we have always had a no-jumping-on-steps rule) and then this morning she told me that she and her brother both got to drive the car (yes they are almost 8 and 4) in the driveway yesterday. i know it's only the driveway, but where are the rules?! The kids were so exhausted last night and were begging for bed, which usually comes early in our house. While stbx was at my house he asked the kids what they wanted for dinner next time he saw them and said they could have anything they wanted. He's on the anything-you-want-you-can-have plan right now. He's trying to be cool and is changing all the rules (even with the dog, she is at his house and suddenly is allowed on all furniture whereas it used to be no furniture), and I know I have no control over what goes on in his house, but ... I don't like it. I guess it's just part of divorce. I just needed to vent. I am sure it will get even worse over time. How do you other strong single moms deal with the new parenting styles your ex's come up with?

[LoveOhm]

SabraMamma ~ Overall I think you attitude toward thew weekend was very positive which is why the weekend overall was better for the kids... What your ex is doing seems to be normal and will hopefully fad in time. It is normal for parents to try to overcompensate when they feel guilty, or when they suspect their child(ren) are uncomfortable.... but as time goes by your ex will hopefully establish his "own" rules and I have seen kids do just fine with two different set of rules and styles of parenting. I have also known of parents who together set "rules" that are to be followed in both homes and if I had my way I would opt for this but it takes great communication and compromise.

[mama41]

SabraMamma -- you sound so level and together that I suspect your 4yo will soon be telling his dad what's what and how he needs to parent. So I wouldn't worry too much.

As for Sunday school, and, later, Hebrew school (unless you're taking care of that at home; likely they'll want to be with their friends, though) & bar/bat mitzvah prep -- put it in the decree, along with a provision for the costs. Sunday is my xh's day, too, but he's required to let her go for Sunday school, and later on for Hebrew school and the time studying with the rabbi in the year before the bat mitzvah. He gets makeup time for most of it. He's also required to pay half for the schooling and the bat mitzvah (which I'll try to keep reasonable anyway, since I don't believe in these massive do's for 13-year-olds).

I"d also put something in about the major holidays, since they won't be provided for in the decree otherwise, and the synagogue may expect your kids to be at some services as part of Sunday/Hebrew school. (They''ll definitely need that on Shabbos as part of the run-up to the bar/bat mitzvah anyway.)

[SabraMamma]

mama41- we do have things such as splitting the costs of religious school, bar/bat mitzvah lessons, and the actual parties themselves. Still- that doesn't help get him to agree to think it is important that she actually attends!

loveohm- I so hope his new style of parenting fades- and quickly. He has that anything-goes-attitude and it's making me sick! I am very happy that he is actually spending time with the kids rather than letting them play nearby him while he does "work" or plays on the computer. But please... I don't even think he is staying true to himself. Or maybe those 13 years together were a big fat lie and this is his true self?!

[One Art]

SabraMamma, I can totally identify. My stbx is doing the exact same thing, and I am wondering if it will fade or if this is his true side... we had no tv in our home, and when we would go to his parents' house we'd ask them to turn it off, or play in another room. Usually though, dds wouldn't even notice because they weren't used to sitting and watching tv. Now that stbx is living with his parents, guess what? Dds both watch tv all the time, and dd1 raves about Dora and Barney all the time. Arg! He didn't even have a tv when I met him! And when I dropped dd2 off at his house in the morning the other day (dd1 was already there because she'd had an overnight), dd1 was eating chocolate cookies for breakfast. Dd2 has also developed a massive rash, as she is sensitive to a lot of different foods, even though I gave him a list of what she can't eat.

You get the point. I feel your pain because I'm going through it too... I hope for both our sakes that our stbx's new behaviors do change!