First, I want to preface this by saying I adore my mil and we typically get along wonderfully. She is by far more of a mother to me than my own mother. I take issue with some of the things she did raising dh, but it was a different generation and she has also mellowed with age. She is a big part of our family's life, and willingly read Unconditional Parenting and The Continuum Concept at my request. She is European, so bf'ing and no circ go without saying, but she also supports much of my AP parenting choices. She has told me over and over that dd1 is an absolute joy to be around, and she thinks I do a wonderful job as a parent.
She also dropped everything and flew here to help me for a few weeks during the end of my pg when my back pain was so awful and I could hardly care for myself or dd1 (they go south every winter, although they have a condo 5 min from here). She did my dishes, kept my house neat, fed dd1, put her down for naps, played with her, etc.
So. I know I'm so very lucky to have her as my mil, and I know many people don't have anywhere near as good a relationship, and I do feel very blessed.
That said, we had a fight today ... probably the only fight we've ever had. DH went back to work today and mil came over this morning to help me out on my first day all alone (she is gone now, had a doc appt). I mentioned that he was up during the night helping me with Sophie (she is still super gassy and wiggly at night, so he takes her for part of the night and puts her to sleep in a bassinet). She flipped her lid and started chewing me out, saying it was *MY* job to take care of the baby at night, not dh's. That he has to go to "work" during the day, and I don't dare interrupt his sleep. That the only time he should have to "help" me parent is during the evening before the kids go to bed, and then it's my job again all night long. And how would I feel if he fell asleep while driving and was killed in an accident! I would be all alone! Etc., etc., etc. I countered that I WORK during the day too, and I have no opportunity to make up the sleep (dd1 only naps once or twice a week, and it's very unpredictable). She told me his job was more important. I beg to differ, since I am primarily responsible for raising our children and making sure they feel loved and cared for, and grow up into compassionate adults, and I don't think either one of us can say our job is "more important" than the other. But she insisted his job was more important, and told me I had been a "working woman" and I know how hard it is to work without sleep, blah blah blah blah.
She went on to say that she did it all alone, and her friends did it all alone, and she didn't have her mother to help her, and have I asked MY friends what they do? And I said yes, their husbands also help, and she practically yelled that she just doesn't understand the women of my generation, and then went back to telling me I couldn't "do" this to dh.
I could go on and on, but that is the gist of things. Her voice kept getting louder and louder (all in front of both dds, I might add), every time I tried to defend myself she said "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" and I finally held up my hand and said I didn't want to argue about it. Which she thankfully respected and that was the end of the conversation and the beginning of a tense half hour where we practically didn't speak to each other.
I feel so hurt by what she said. I know she doesn't think this about me, but it felt like she was accusing me of being weak and greedy and uncaring. That I'm somehow deficient because I'm not able to do something that she and everyone else she knows could do. I didn't mention this to her, but we have chosen to parent in a way that requires a LOT more effort IMO, at least in the short term (no CIO, lots of time in-arms, no time-outs for dd1, lots of time and energy put into finding ways to solve problems creatively instead of punishing, bribing, etc.). I simply can't parent like that when I'm getting 4 hours of much interrupted sleep a night. And yes, I happen to be someone who does not function well without enough sleep. I get short-tempered and irritable. I yell. I know that in order to be a good parent, I need dh's help at night.
We eventually went about our day like nothing had happened, and she accompanied me to the grocery store with both dds. She kept saying how "brave" I was to make this outing, and she couldn't believe I let dd1 have her own little cart (much harder to manage her when she's not strapped into the seat of my cart!). I wore Sophie in my wrap, so my hands were free, but even with mil's help, yes, it was a little hectic, but whatever
. That's life with two kids! It was just so weird that an hour before she was telling me I should be able to do this without help, and then she went on and on saying she never would have had the courage to go to the grocery store with both kids, even with help! I don't know if that was her way of trying to apologize or what.
I dunno. I'm just looking to vent I guess. I'm not worried about our relationship. I'm not even expecting or necessarily wanting a "sit down and let's work this thing out" discussion. She doesn't have to agree with our choice, and she appears willing to keep her mouth shut about it (once I told her to, at least). I just needed a place to cry about it
.
She also dropped everything and flew here to help me for a few weeks during the end of my pg when my back pain was so awful and I could hardly care for myself or dd1 (they go south every winter, although they have a condo 5 min from here). She did my dishes, kept my house neat, fed dd1, put her down for naps, played with her, etc.
So. I know I'm so very lucky to have her as my mil, and I know many people don't have anywhere near as good a relationship, and I do feel very blessed.
That said, we had a fight today ... probably the only fight we've ever had. DH went back to work today and mil came over this morning to help me out on my first day all alone (she is gone now, had a doc appt). I mentioned that he was up during the night helping me with Sophie (she is still super gassy and wiggly at night, so he takes her for part of the night and puts her to sleep in a bassinet). She flipped her lid and started chewing me out, saying it was *MY* job to take care of the baby at night, not dh's. That he has to go to "work" during the day, and I don't dare interrupt his sleep. That the only time he should have to "help" me parent is during the evening before the kids go to bed, and then it's my job again all night long. And how would I feel if he fell asleep while driving and was killed in an accident! I would be all alone! Etc., etc., etc. I countered that I WORK during the day too, and I have no opportunity to make up the sleep (dd1 only naps once or twice a week, and it's very unpredictable). She told me his job was more important. I beg to differ, since I am primarily responsible for raising our children and making sure they feel loved and cared for, and grow up into compassionate adults, and I don't think either one of us can say our job is "more important" than the other. But she insisted his job was more important, and told me I had been a "working woman" and I know how hard it is to work without sleep, blah blah blah blah.
She went on to say that she did it all alone, and her friends did it all alone, and she didn't have her mother to help her, and have I asked MY friends what they do? And I said yes, their husbands also help, and she practically yelled that she just doesn't understand the women of my generation, and then went back to telling me I couldn't "do" this to dh.
I could go on and on, but that is the gist of things. Her voice kept getting louder and louder (all in front of both dds, I might add), every time I tried to defend myself she said "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" and I finally held up my hand and said I didn't want to argue about it. Which she thankfully respected and that was the end of the conversation and the beginning of a tense half hour where we practically didn't speak to each other.
I feel so hurt by what she said. I know she doesn't think this about me, but it felt like she was accusing me of being weak and greedy and uncaring. That I'm somehow deficient because I'm not able to do something that she and everyone else she knows could do. I didn't mention this to her, but we have chosen to parent in a way that requires a LOT more effort IMO, at least in the short term (no CIO, lots of time in-arms, no time-outs for dd1, lots of time and energy put into finding ways to solve problems creatively instead of punishing, bribing, etc.). I simply can't parent like that when I'm getting 4 hours of much interrupted sleep a night. And yes, I happen to be someone who does not function well without enough sleep. I get short-tempered and irritable. I yell. I know that in order to be a good parent, I need dh's help at night.
We eventually went about our day like nothing had happened, and she accompanied me to the grocery store with both dds. She kept saying how "brave" I was to make this outing, and she couldn't believe I let dd1 have her own little cart (much harder to manage her when she's not strapped into the seat of my cart!). I wore Sophie in my wrap, so my hands were free, but even with mil's help, yes, it was a little hectic, but whatever
. That's life with two kids! It was just so weird that an hour before she was telling me I should be able to do this without help, and then she went on and on saying she never would have had the courage to go to the grocery store with both kids, even with help! I don't know if that was her way of trying to apologize or what.I dunno. I'm just looking to vent I guess. I'm not worried about our relationship. I'm not even expecting or necessarily wanting a "sit down and let's work this thing out" discussion. She doesn't have to agree with our choice, and she appears willing to keep her mouth shut about it (once I told her to, at least). I just needed a place to cry about it
.
I've got no advice besides that this too shall pass. Even if you just agree to disagree in the end. You can't agree on everything. 
I hope thing get back to normal soon. Try and focus on the good stuff.
(and PS..you are doing an awesome job!)
) and she just couldn't get that. He also got up with Hannah every other feeding (she was bottle fed) at night. When she got a bit older he did all the nighttime feedings. It was their quiet alone time. He's never once complained and often says it was some of the most special time he could have had with her (sort of like nursing, only for a man).
. bad night here, so no time, but I appreciate all of the support!
). He said, "I don't think I spend enough time touching her," and the next thing I knew he slipped her into his shirt and was snuggling with her skin to skin! And you better believe that would NOT have happened in the evening, what with a tired toddler running around and having to fix dinner, go through the mail, talk about our days, etc. It really warmed my heart 
